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Wednesday, August 25, 2004
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OH FUCK, PART ONE
Hollywood has decided that they want to experiment in the "perfect storm" of stupidity. A green light has been given to produce a bad remake of a horrible movie with an untalented star. The only way it could get worse is if the screenplay is written by a third grader, a retard and a monkey.
Before I get into the details of this cinematic atrocity, I should point out one thing. I've always hated George Burns. I loathed him with an intensity that shocked family, friends and the general public alike. It always seemed to me that his only appeal was survival. His "act" certainly seemed to indicate that. I would ordinarily respect someone who could build a career out of being 155 years old, but then it occured to me that cockroaches live a long time, too. And nobody lets them onstage at the Oscars.
I thought his wife, Gracie Allen was funny. But apparently she didn't make the same deal with Satan that Burns did and lived a normal human lifespan. For a long time, surviving George Burns was my only reason to live at all. By a certain point, I figured that he was only living out of spite. The night that he finally had the decency to die, I went to a bar with friends and made several toasts to his passing. The longevity was all the proof I needed of the maxim "only the good die young."
As a child, I could sit through films like "The Exorcist", "Jaws", and "When a Stranger Calls" with nary a bad dream. "Oh, God" creeped me the fuck out, though. Even as a 7 year year old, I was horrified that someone would finance such a film and disgusted that anyone would pay to see it. When "Oh, God: Part Two" was released, I knew that this would never be a civil society. The only show business debacle that brought out greater disdain in me than my disgust with the very existence of Burns was Eddie Murphy's decision to become Jerry Lewis.
But it's been years since anyone has thought of George Burns and that brought me a certain measure of peace. Neither of the "Oh, God" movies has been seen in some time and I thought that this would finally allow me to become a decent man. Indeed, the whole thing was finally gone and forgotten.
Or not.
Hollywood, in a decision almost unparalled in its obscenity has decided to remake "Oh, God!" starring.....Ellen DeGeneres. If this isn't blasphemey, I'd be hard pressed to properly define the word.
Talking about the idea to cast her in the role made famous by George Burns, producer Jerry Weintraub told Variety: "Ellen is a strong comedienne and she has always done material about God and questions about God. She will help us with the writing, and using her will allow us to do a proper 2005 view of 'Oh, God!' that is hip and modern."
What, was Margret Cho busy? I have never heard Ellen described as "a strong comedienne." And using her in the context of making anything "hip and modern" demonstrates that perhaps English isn't Mr. Weintraub's first language. Hey, maybe they can get Louie Anderson so the movie can be "cutting edge."
Ellen had her chance to be "hip and modern." That was with her self-titled sit-com. The show was so shockingly bad that it drove her from her closet. It shouldn't take a comedy genius to make a lesbian sit-com funny. Those jokes pretty much write themselves. Yet, Ellen still fucked it up. Even with all the media hype in the world -which I also resented. I enjoy pussy, too. It didn't get me on the cover of Time. - the show only got worse. I would venture a guess that there's child pornography out there that's funnier than that show was.
It seems to me that this is the real God's last chance to prove his existence. If this is ever to be a just universe, an earthquake will hit Southern California and swallow Hollywood whole before this atrocity can be inflicted on the public.
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