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Thursday, August 12, 2004
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SADDAM BEARD UPDATE #1
So now that I'm single for the first time since I was STILL older than most of my readers, I figured that I needed to pick up on what girls these days like.
I think that I've figured it out.
Deposed Dictator Facial Hair. That should work beautifully!
I'm thinking of something like this this....
Of course, these things take time and I've only been desperately, painfully alone for about 6 days. Granted, those have been six erection-free days, so in dog years, that's like......7000 or something. And I can't even lick my own balls. Or afford to get anyone else to do it for me.
Ever since I could grow it, I've had facial hair. Most of the people who know me would be hard-pressed to remember me without it. When I grew my first beard, the most beautiful girl my school, Inga (who was also a model) said, "Ewwwww, why are you doing THAT?"
My answer was simple. "If you had my face, wouldn't you want to cover up as much of it as possible?"
Her answer: "Ummmmmm, yeah, I guess....."
So my course in life was set. I couldn't get away with Johnny Depp facial hair, either. I'm nowhere near pretty enough to get away with that. All that would get me is gay bashed.
But if there's one thing that I've learned from history, it's that wacky beards will get you laid. Mathematically speaking the equation works something like this; "Unemployable amounts of copious facial hair = indeterminate amounts of stray, available poontang." You'll find this in your textbooks under "Family, Manson."
But since I was once in love with a Jewish girl, the swastika in my forehead would feel.....wrong. Actually, given how the relationship worked out, it might not. But it's impolite nonetheless.
So, from time to time (unless I get a decent job interview), I'll be posting regular Saddam Beard updates.
Here's part 1.
Okay, so you've got me. I'm cheating somewhat by shaving my neck, throat and above the cheekbones. Deal with it. Plus, I have really fair hair, which is going shockingly gray. It doesn't reflect on camera what a monumental mess I am.
And I only stopped maintaining in any way six days ago. Two weeks ago, I only had a goatee. I'm so masculine for a guy who can't get hard anymore.
But if that doesn't work, make no mistake, I'll go with this......
If for no other reason than the "ZZ Top raodie" look ALWAYS gets the girl!
Therefore, I implore you, "Gimmie all your lovin'/ all your hugs and kisses, too"
Because, I'm crazy enough to do ANYTHING at this point.
Of course, I'll never be in the Army. Or a cop. Or a pilot. Or have lots of homes. Or lots of cars. Or "security."
Maybe, I should just give up and go gay. At this point, it's hard to find a reason to give a fuck, anymore.
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