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Tuesday, August 24, 2004
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WHEREIN skippy PONDERS FAITHFULNESS, INFIDELITY, OPEN RELATIONSHIPS AND PULLS OFF A NIFTY LINK DUMP, ALL AT ONCE
She was married when we first met
Soon to be divorced
I helped her out of a jam, I guess,
But I used a little too much force.
-Bob Dylan, Tangled Up in Blue
Love is in the blogosphere. It has been a major topic of discussion over at the Mirthful Ones, where the lovely Sadie (who causes my blood pressure to change decidedly in unmentionable parts of my body) wrote this, this and this. Sadie's a smart girl. And anyone who has ever attempted to argue with a learned member of the bar when they are not generally knows this to be a losing proposition. In my case, the problem is compounded by a stupidity that could be harnessed into a physical energy.
To further Sadie's arguements, her partner, Jack Pound (who, oddly enough, has a similiar reaction as Sadie's on me) weighed in with this and this.. Cogent points all.
Much of this was precipitated by another blog, one that I won't link because the author is enough pain without you assholes causing any more. Wow, I just noticed that I can even be offensive in my compassion. I'm either a really sweet guy or a right cunt. It's hard to tell which lately.
Then there's Kilgore. It turns out that Colorado's most eligible bachelor has been engaged in a controversial sexual relationship for some time now. Presumably, he can now, without a moment's hesitation, declare authoritatively what the meaning of "is" is.
As I've found, these relationships are not without contoversey. Several people at Kilgore's have questioned the very morality of the relationship. My attitude is simple. Morality is a very private thing, and unless Kilgore is attracting his sex partners at gunpoint (which, in fairness and the spirit of full disclosure, he didn't actually deny ), his personal morality and that of his paramour is of no consequence to me.
And, other than making me Gladys Kravitz, passing moral judgement on the personal relationships of others may or may not make me a hypocrite. But it would certainly make me a Republican.
In the interest of obscuring the facts, I should note that I may or may not have been in a similar relationship. Actually, I may or may not have been in a number of them. However, the people who I may or may not have had such relationships with may or may not take exception to my writing about them. Accordingly, I may or may not want to burn bridges with people who may or may not have provided me the best sex of my life and others who I may or may not want carnal knowledge of at a later date.
My long time readers will note that I've never before mentioned such a hypothetical relationship. I've not done so for four reasons. These are:
A) They may or may not have ever happened.
B) I'm more secretive than Nixon.
C) It's none of your business and I never had the context to write about it before.
D) I was pretty sure that none of you would believe me anyway. I long ago make the terrible judgement error of posting a picture of my face in this space. As I'm sure you're all aware by now, I'm only slightly more attractive than Velociman's pants. And make no mistake, that debate is far from resolved.
So I can relate to Kilgore.
Without getting into the particulars of these entirely hypothetical relationships, I'll just say that there are certain realities in such a relationship. These are that people who have been unhappily married for long periods of time are not looking for another big commitment, at least not initially.
Also, women who have been recieving bad sex for several years tend to really enjoy getting good sex. Let's assume that a hypothetical woman spent years with a man whose performance average was 5 minutes. Then let's assume that she meets someone who may or may not be able to perform for upwards of 8 hours. A woman may or may not get used to that in a hurry.
This may or may not be complicated by the nature of a long distance relationship. Going from bad sex, to no sex, to great sex, and back to no sex can be disorienting for a girl. This is to say nothing for the potential of whiplash. Thankfully, I find next braces sexy.
Now, in such a hypothetical situation, how would I approach things? I know you're dying to hear it. In a completely theoretical way, of course.
I'm a pretty understanding cat that way. Also, as someone with a penis, I can draw a clear distinction between sex and love. Sex is sex and love is love. It's pretty simple actually. Sex with someone you love is always a bonus, but it's certainly not a necessity. In such hypothetical circumstances, I really see no moral delimma with having the occassional fun fuck.
Would I be concerned that my performance would be overshadowed? I don't think so. Firstly, women tend to ascribe a sexual prowess to a man they love that may or may not be there. I'm also fantastic in bed. This is hardly bragging, it's a condition born of necessity. As an exceptionally unattractive man, I have little choice but to develop superior sexual skills. I certainly can't get by on my looks. And this blog tells you everything I think you need to know about my personality. Accordingly, I had to give the most spectaular head a woman can fantasize about. True, there's a certain amount of self-confidence to be gleaned from the knowledge that you can convince a woman that you can cause her head to explode with nothing more than three fingers and the tip of your tongue. But, generally speaking, that talent is only aquired by the few, the shut-in, and the hideous.
Oh, I just went off message, didn't I?
Such an "open relationship" does require a few things. It requires honesty. A relationship can't be described as "open" if you're the only one hipped to it's openness. It also requires respecting the wishes of the other party. Leaving honesty and respect out of the equation will not only destroy the open relationship, it will destroy the relationship in it's totality. I may or may not have learned this the hard way.
Sex is one thing. True, it's a big thing, and several relationships can be built on it alone. But any relationship that attempts to pass itself off as "love" has a far more important requirement than sex. That would be trust. Destroy the trust and all that's left is sex. And as much as I hate to break this to my male following, women can get sex anywhere. Where does this leave you?
In short, find out what she wants and give it to her. It's not that hard. You like poontang, right? You'd like to continue getting it? Don't be a dick.
I should note that this applies equally to the ladies as well, but that may or may not be another story.
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