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Thursday, November 11, 2004
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DISPATCHES FROM THE CONDOM STATE: IN PRAISE OF JAMES McGREEVY
If there's one thing that the women in my life share, its amazement at my sexual appatites. Sure, you've all read about them in this space. And like you, these young ladies thought I was full of shit. Then they learned the truth in all its grotesque horror. I'm insatiable. I could go through five to ten women a day, given the opportunity. I am one horny, horny boy.
While astonished (and somewhat shamed) by my own prodigious libido, I now know that I have a long way to go. While I am secure that I can fuck better, longer and harder than all of you, I now know that I'm no James McGreevy.
The soon to be former Governor of New Jersey has demonstrated clearly to myself and former President Clinton what sexual deviency is really all about.
According to his own August declaration, the governor knew in high school that he was a titanic fairy. Of course, like all canny politicians, he couldn't discount the possibility that he was wrong. Accordingly, he plowed through all the poontang he could. Perhaps this was a unique form of "constituent outreach." After all, strippers, hookers and patrons of gay bars are voters too. And, in McGreevy's view, they require a particularly personal touch.
However, it can't be overlooked that if the Governor knew as a boy that his ultimate destination was the Hershey Highway, he certainly took the scenic route. He worked his way into two wives, innumerable strippers, at least one prostitute and God knows how many men before settling on an Israely military poet.
Wow. Simply.....wow.
With these revelations I'm even more saddened by McGreevy's decision to resign. Not because of the financial impropieties, in New Jersey, everyone is taught to sweat corruption as a child. But the sex scandals could revive Atlantic City in ways that no one could have imagined even 5 years ago. There could be betting pools on who or what the governor would admit to fucking the next 7 days. It could have been a beautiful thing. But Noooooo! He had to get all selfish.
The worst part is that it will soon be too late for McGreevy to be Prime Minister of Norway.
On the other hand, if we all ask nicely, and pray hard enough....maybe the governor can star in a sitcom with Gary Condit. If you thought that Sienfeld was good (which it really wasn't), that would be comedy gold.
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