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Thursday, November 11, 2004
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IF I WERE A DEMOCRATIC SPEECHWRITER....
Which I'm not, thank Christ for that, but if I were, I would sit down and write a speech to be delievered on national television. The speech would be broadcast, with paid time, on all three networks. The speech would be delivered by a moderate, Midwestern or Southern office holder who does not inspire giggles when he or she speaks. Twice in a row now, the Democratic Party has nominated HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey twice in a row now and it didn't work out particularly well either time.
The speech, to be effective, would be delivered by someone who would conclude the address by swearing off any presidential run in 2008. This is a speech that would have to come from what passes for the soul of the party for it to accomplish anything. The speaker would also write off any higher office, or even the chair of the party during the coming election cycle.
I believe that only such an address could give the national party a chance of being truly national once more and not, as Jon Stewart said last week, "the party for people with boats."
It would go as follows;
Good Evening, my fellow Americans.
The Democratic Party has purchased this time tonight so that I may speak to you about the real spiritual and cultural crisis that faces our great nation.
Over the course of the election campaign that has just ended, and in the weeks that followed, much has been made of the power of values in our national life. It is my great regret to admit that my party has not adequately laid our values, our uniquely American values, to the voters of this land for the last several election cycles. Tonight I hope that I may be clear about what values the oldest political party in the world holds dear and will continue to fight for.
Morals and values are not the exclusive domian of either party. I firmly believe that Democrats and Republicans alike want what is best for America. The ends that well-meaning members of both parties seek; peace and prosperity for our great people, are the same. We differ only on the means that they are acheived. But for entirely too long, both parties have sought partisan advantage - indeed, even the destruction of the other - in seeking to achieve those ends. In persuing this kind of politics, we have greivously harmed our very democracy.
America's democratic tradition has been one of vigourous disagreement. This a proud tradition, and one we do not seek to change. Our strength is only made greater by the power of our dissent. If homogeny of opinion were our goal, slavery would still be a fact of American life, women would be denied the vote, children would still toil in the fields and in the factories of America. Disagreement has brought great progress to our people. Republicans and Democrats alike have fought and, all too often died, to create a better America for it's children.
However, the disagreements between our parties have become toxic and they threaten to poison our very democracy. What was once a spirited debate of great ideas has become a bloodsport in which each side seeks the personal destruction of the other. The careers of too many patriotic public servants on both sides have been destroyed.
When ordinary Americans look at the ruin of fine patriots, they surely ask themselves, "is this right? Is this fair? Is this moral?" The answer to that question is evident to anyone who asks it.
Tonight, on behalf of the Democratic Party, I apologize for our part in ths sad tradition, a tradition that tells so many with so much to offer that politics is something to be avoided. Our nation is poorer for the losses we have already suffered because of the culture of destruction and it must end.
The morality of our politics have also suffered by the causes that we support. Too often in our history, both parties have been beholden to narrow interests to the detriment of the American people. And the people have been left to ask themselves, "Is this right? Is this fair? Is this moral?" The answer is evident to anyone who asks it.
Tonight, on behalf of the Democratic Party, I apologize for our part in this and pledge that my part will work will Republicans of goodwill to change the perception that we are working for anyone but the American people. For too long, both parties have been seen to work for the highest bidder and this "pay-for-play" culture in Washington DC must end.
We must show our people and the world the our government is not for sale and tonight, I pledge that my party will work with Republicans of goodwill to reform our campaign finance system and I promise that this promise will stand even if the Republicans someday find themselves in the minority.
Despite our significant differences, there is one issue upon which we heartily agree with President Bush. As I speak to you tonight, there are some 8 million undocumented workers in the United States. These are men and women who seek not to exploit our system, but to provide a better life for their families, both here and in their homelands. These men and women, who do the hard work that so few of our people will do, are exploited themselves and not given a living wage solely by virtue of their immigration status. The American people see their struggle and ask themselves, "Is this right? Is this fair? Is this moral?" The answer is evident to anyone who asks the question.
Tonight, on behalf of the Democratic Party, I pledge to you that we will work with President Bush to change the status of these hardworking people from "illegal" to "guest worker." Moral people of any party can agree that everyone should be allowed to honestly provide for their family.
Many of the issues that confront America are, at their root, issues of morality. Perhaps it is because they have not been presented as such that they have not been resolved. If only the politicians in Washington and the 50 state capitols saw these issues the same way the great mass of the American people do, we could finally resolve them, once and for all.
As I speak to you tonight, there is at least one parent in each household in America that is not at home with the children so they can work to make ends meet. The Democratic Party believes in families. We believe that the family is the engine of society and cannot be replaced by the government. For far too long, many Americans we have been percieved to believe that government can replace the family. The American people see one fewer person in their living rooms tonight and ask themselves, "Is this right? Is this fair? Is this moral?"
Tonight, on behalf on the the Democratic Party, I apologize for not more vigourously articulating how strongly we believe in the family.
Therefore, I pledge to you tonight that the Democratic Party will work with President Bush and Republicans of goodwill to reform the tax system in a way that will allow parents to spend more time with their children because while government cannot raise a child, it can create the economic engine that will let parents do so. Americans of every political stripe should wonder what their government can provide if not that.
As I speak to you to tonight, there are untold thousands of American families who were taught through their history that the American dream could be found down the road of investment. These families did indeed invest. Now, for the first time in our history, more Americans hold stock than do not.
But for too many, the American dream became a nightmare when their life savings were swindled from them through corporate malfeasance. The hopes of so many for a secure retirement, independent of the government were destroyed by greed of the few. The American people see these families and ask, "Is this right? Is this fair? Is this moral?"
We know that the President cares deeply for America's families. We have all seen him comfort the families of victims of war and natural disasters alike. We know the pain he must feel when confronted with families who have lost everything due to the crimes of those who have benefacted BOTH parties.
Yes, both parties have benefitted from the money that has destroyed the dreams of too many families, and tonight, on behalf of the Democratic Party, I apologize to you for our part in it.
It is in that spirit that tonight, I pledge that we will work with both the President and Republicans of goodwill to strengthen the Securities and Exchange Commission, increase corporate responsibility to their millions of stockholders and greatly increase the criminal liabilty for those who would violate the spirit of the free market.
I can announce tonight that in the next Congress, the Democratic Party will introduce a bill that sentance those who knowingly and willfully cause a bankruptcy of a publicly held company will face a criminal sentance of life without the possibility of parole. So long as this party has a voice will the strangualtion of the American dream result in a slap on the wrist.
Yadda, yada, yadda. I can go on forever like that. Pretty good, huh? Anybody need a speechwriter?
Of course, if you think that a politician of either party......shit, a politician ANYWHERE would give that speech, you're either halluciniating or dumber than I thought.
And if you think I'm just shithammering Republicans, you're wrong. Ten years ago, I could''ve written the same thing the opposite way. Here's another secret, I'll bet that that that little speech gets a bigger reaction from my international readers than my American ones. This is also why I didn't throw in crap like Social Security and Medicare. But it's pretty much the same game everywhere.
So, if any of you Ugandans need a speechwriter........
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