|
|
Saturday, February 19, 2005
|
|
"COULD YOU BE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE WORLD?"
Gentlemen and bi-sexual ladies, the young lady (presuming that you feel that 32 is young) pictured above is Aishwarya Rai.
Up until about a month ago, I figured that Halle Berry was the most beautiful woman alive. The fact that she may also be the dumbest and probably a lousy lay for reasons I explained before were mitigating factors, but on a purely aesthetic level, Halle was the girl to beat.
Then I saw Miss Rai profiled on 60 Minutes about six weeks ago. The real 60 Minutes , not the one with Dan Rather on it. If it were that 60 Minutes, we all would have learned how Aishwarya toppled the government of Paraguay or something. Not that she couldn't, just as far as I know, she hasn't.
Aishwarya is an Indian film star. She has more money than God. She's single. She speaks better English than I do. She has a name that is impossible for me to pronounce properly. Oh, and she's so impossibly beautiful that I'll never have her.
This makes her perfect for me. Or maybe not. Maybe, just maybe, she secretly craves an overly tall and gawkish Canadian loudmouth with few brains, little to say, less still in the pants and a dead-end "career." As you can imagine, it is fantasies like this that make me wish I had died decades ago. Instead, here I am, spilling my guts to entertain you ungrateful curs.
But enough about me. Back to Aishwarya.
You see, I've long had a thing for South Asian girls. As a matter of fact, I saw three today that I'd love to bang. All at once. Sure, I guess the fact that they were probably still in high school should make me feel guilty, but it didn't. There are two things I love about South Asians. Firstly, I love the skin tone. I also admire a culture that teaches its young to deplore people like me almost as much as I do. That's a plus. If there's one thing that I've learned in my relations with the fairer sex, it's that common interests are important. And hating me seems as good a one as any. It certainly beats golf.
I know what you're thinking. "But skippy, how could a beautiful smile like that be turned upside down into a spiteful snarl of contempt. That face could never be hateful." To this I say, "Trust me. I'm very good at such things. It's a gift."
Sure, just as is true with all women, she's not completely perfect. You see, Hindu society is very, very conservative! By this, I don't mean the Jerry Falwell / James Dobson kind of conservative. The things they find acceptable as "family entertainment" would be seen as a snuff movie in India.
Here's an example. Aishwarya has never been so much as KISSED in a film. Here's how Bollywood works, a couple spills their insides to one another, their faces moves ever closer......and then they break into a song and dance. Litterally. So you can see how anal might be a problem, at least in public. Alas, no Rob Lowe tape for Aishwarya and I.
Life is so unfair.
Here's how its unfair.
Vishnu, that body is a playground for a man! Like Disneyland for people with penises. Opps, let me take that back. I know how touchy you broads get when compared with large areas of real estate. We'll go with a smaller one. Miss Rai is Six Flags for a man.
To close this post, I was going to make a cheap joke wherein I inserted the name of an Indian icon into a Beach Boys song to declare the pain Aishwarya cause in my various extremities. I thinking, "Help me Gandhi, Yeah / Get her out of my heart." But then I remembered some reading that I had done years ago about the Mohatma.
It seems that Gandhi was quite the flirt. He would entice his female followers to fall in love with him, so that when they threw themselves at him, he could refuse them. This he saw as a moral test, and one he passed without failing once. Pretty impressive when you consider that Mohandas Gandhi was a balding dwarf who dressed in rags and was a lawyer to boot.
This is yet another reason that I should've been born Indian. I need to learn that trick. Maybe then I could land Aishwarya Rai.
Permalink
|
|
|
| |
