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Monday, February 07, 2005
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FINALLY, THEY GET IT!
As you know, I live in Canada. Canada, as you also know, is the home of many things. These include horror, shame and William Shatner. We keep waiting for the American invasion that will liberate us all from the drudgery that is our lives, but it never comes. We get vindictive and fuck your women. Well. Who knew American men were so bad at eating pussy?
But I digress.
One of the truly shameful parts of the Canadian experience is that we have a national, government owned television network, the Canadian Broadcasting Corperation. The CBC is everything television shouldn't be; horrid, insipid and utterly without entertainment value. The CBC fooled generations of Canadians that the Beachcombers was high art and that Al Waxman (who my American friends will remember as Cagney and Lacey's boss) was some sort of monarch. Or perhaps a god, I wasn't really paying attention so I can't be sure.
The problem with the CBC is the same problem that most government programs have. That is, because it was financed by the taxpayer, it never saw any need to improve, so secure was its future. Accordingly, as its ratings plummeted due to the mind numbingly boring shit it called programming, the CBC responded by putting even MORE mind numbingly boring shit on. And it was proud of this.It was an altogether disusting spectacle.
Then in the mid-Ninties the government of Canada found out that they owed a fuckload of money. A "fuckload" was officially determined to be a figure that an average, educated Canadian could never hope to count to. It was really bad. One of the first things to get whacked was CBC funding. Sorta. You see, they still got a bunch of money, but not the fuckload they were used to getting.
At the time, I had a close friend who worked for the CBC. He could have had a career there if he wasn't an artist or something. In any event, he insisted on my going to these "Save the CBC" rallies. I dodged the bullet by saying that I would attend provided that I could find a posterboard big enough to accomodate this message: "I want the CBC to be destroyed in a way that only Timothy McVeigh could truly appreciate and the smouldering ruins of the Broadcast Center left to stand like the Reichstag in 1938."
As I had hoped, this managed to get me disinvited to the rallies and we remained friends, my desire to fuck his wife really, really hard undeminished. Friendship is a beautiful thing.
Traditionally, Canadian television has worked on the premise that if you suck really hard, put something that sucks harder on. If nothing else, it'll make the audience miss what they originally bitched about. I'm sure you can tell how well this worked for Soviet TV.
Well, it finally appears that the CBC has learned something from their American brothers and sisters. If a network is tanking in the U.S, the solution is simple - put on a smouldering cauldron of fuckhoney and hope she can put a sentence together. This is why Jessica Simpson has a career.
Here is the CBC's answer....
That, ladies and gentlemen, is Mitsou. She was a French Canadian pop-temptress in the Eighties. She was kind of like Madonna, just not as slutty - which is odd, considering that she's French Canadian and all. Those girls HOWL in bed. Don't ask me how I know that, just know that I do.
Needless to say, if are a Canadian male of my age, you have vivid memories of doing vile things to yourself while fantasizing about making Mitsou your personal cum dumpster. Either that, or you're Dr. Reverend. The fact that she didn't speak English only made her hotter to people like me. Oh, did I mention that she only sang in French? That's why you never heard of her.
I always thought that Mitsou was much older than I am. As it happens, she's six months younger. That hurts, as I have a poor history with younger women. I wonder if she held up well?
While the sweater is off-putting, and her face seems incomplete without my DNA coating it....she looks good.
Anyways, the CBC Newsworld (which is like CNN for boring people) is giving her a show, wherein she explains Quebec to the rest of Canada.
This is a poor premise. The rest of Canada understands Quebec all too well. We understand it so well that we'd like to plow its fields with salt and sell its populace into bondage. French maids for everybody!
But regardless of how insipid the show is, I know that I'll be watching. In fact, I'll watching the show the same way that I used to watch her videos, with one hand on the mute button and the other around myself. I hope that she does the show with the bottoms of her tits hanging out.
And hey, if the ratings suck, they might get her to do some lesbo stuff with Traci Bingham.
Did I mention that I'd really like to fuck Mitsou? Good, I'd hate to leave that out.
Okay, that's it for now. If you're good, in the morning, I'll write about how depression effects my libido.
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