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Saturday, February 05, 2005
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HOW TO QUIT SMOKING
The title of this post is probably a little off-putting to most of my readers, I know. I'm famous throughout the Blogosphere for having the most sensible readers in the whole Internet. So, we all know that quitting smoking isn't for good people like us. Why should any of forgo all that toxic goodness and the pleasure that it brings. Pleasure like annoying non-smokers or - as I prefer to call them - motherfuckers.
Only deviants quit smoking. For example, Dr. Reverend has been quitting for the last SIX AND A HALF YEARS! There's a lot that ain't right with that boy.
I think that we're all on the same page here.
Anyhoo, let's assume that you're some pussy or a little girl who has to quit before Daddy finds out or something. First, you're going to need an understanding partner. Someone who's firm, yet fair. Someone who understands the demands of nicotine.
Yes teenagers, nicotine is a drug and a mighty addictive one at that. Anyone with any experience with addicts will tell you that they will lie in an attempt to carry on their addiction in secret even as their understanding partner tries to help them. In this, cigarettes are no different than crack. Well, except that crack is more socially acceptable these days. When was the last time you saw Oprah talk about conquering cigarettes?
There are two different ways of dealing with an addict. The first is to be patient and understanding. This approach never works. All that will happen is that the addict will go on an unexpected binge just before an important weekend and fuck up your already miserable life....Or so I've read.
Then there's the "tough love" approach. This is almost always successful. But, as in any other endeavour where you try to help someone, it can bite you on the ass.
Dowling was arrested in November and charged with aggravated assault, terroristic threats, involuntary deviate sexual intercourse and simple assault.
Police said Dowling, who is suspended from the police force, handcuffed his girlfriend's hands behind her back, put an unlit M-80 firecracker in her vagina, repeatedly hit her with a tire iron and placed a 30-pound safe on her chest. The assault began, the woman said, when he caught her lying about smoking cigarettes.
See what I mean about tough love biting you on the ass? He goes to all that trouble to help someone quit smoking and what does he get for it? Charged with aggravated assault, terroristic threats, involuntary deviate sexual intercourse and simple assault is what! The whole thing is an outrage.
I hope the smoker realizes what she's done!
At a preliminary hearing in December, the 26-year-old woman said she was testifying against her will and that she and Dowling were acting out a domination scenario to prove their love.
Okay, that's better. Did the court understand that this was all about love?
Well, sorta.
A district judge dismissed charges of aggravated assault and terroristic threats but ordered Dowling to face trial on the other charges.
But this does have a happy ending, right?
Wrong. Officer Dowling was found dead Tuesday. Probably a suicide.
And that's what you get for helping people.
Class dismissed.
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