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Monday, February 14, 2005
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RUMINATIONS ON THE PERFECT VALENTINE'S DAY MOVIE
Yeah, I'm about to write the post all vetern blog readers hate. It's going to be the "what I did with my day" post.
Let's see, since I was up until about 4 watching Kill Bill, Volume 2, I actually slept in until about 9:30 this morning. Go me. Also, I wasn't so painfully hung-over that I puked as I brushed my teeth. A first for the past week. Again, go me.
Okay, before everybody decides that they're my mom or something, let me clear something up. Yes, I do know that living on a diet of beer, red wine, codiene, muscle relaxants and gravol isn't good for you. But it's great for maintaing one's girlish figure. And if my liver is the price I must pay, for feeling pretty, then I'm up for it.
As is my custom upon awakening, I lit a cigarette and masturbated. So facile am I at both that I can now jerk off and smoke at the same time. In fact, if I do one alone, I feel that something's missing. And yes ladies, I am single. Aren't I a catch? Once I finished jerking off, I showered and jerked off again. What can I tell you? I'm my type.
Then I went to work where I was surrounded by hot cosmeticians. Ordinarily, they don't notice my existence, or if they do, they hold it against me. Needless to say, I have much in common with these girls. But there's one, perhaps in her late thirties (but could pass for twenty five), that insists on grabbing my arm just above the elbow when she talks to me. Oh, and she also refers to me as "honey." Life is good when a woman doesn't know your name.
The cosmetician is about 5'4" and has breasts and lips so completely out of proportion with the rest of her that they're just......beautiful. Do any of you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on catching bad guys with a painful erection? Perhaps when I quit my job, I'll go to that store, find the cosmetician and seduce her by lovingly reading her the saucier lyrics of Spinal Tap in a breathy voice.
I know, I know. I'm the last of the great romantics.
The ride home on the subway with what Dr. Reverend has so lovingly referred to as "the stink people" was uneventful, yet stinky. Then I masturbated again.
After I came, I figured that it would be a good time to watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. From the first time I heard of this film, I was fascinated it by it. Unfortunately, as an 11 foot tall smoker, I hate movie theatres. Besides, going to a movie is now more expensive than buying it on DVD, which you can pause and masturbate whilst thinking about doing strange things with Kate Winslett's blue hair. So I bought the movie on Saturday.
The quality of the movie, which is all right, is surpassed by the concept. Don't get me wrong, Jim Carrey (who I usually loathe, except in Man on the Moon ) came across as unusually human, Winslett was actuall really good and Kristen Dunst.....well, she looked good jumping up and down on a bed in her panties.
But it was the premise of the film that hooked me. A couple has a titanic pain the ass relationship and break up. So they have their memories of their relationship erased from their minds completely! Just imagine that you can have the worst mistake of your life just....vanish. POOF! Gone. No, "I'll keep happy memories of you." Nothing. For all intents and purposes, they never existed.
Just imagine how cool that would be, that every gnarly emotion you equate with a specfic person is gone because, for all intents and purposes, the person never existed. Just imagine if the greatest mistake in your life could just.....disappear.
My problems with the movie came in the second half. The Carrey and Winslett charcters were in a relationship of great psychological violence. This is something I've come to know a little bit about in the last two years. Carrey and Winslett have their memories of each other erased. But halfway through Carrey's proceedure, he decides that he wants the memories - and by extension, her - back
At that point, I lost any sympathy for anyone invlolved in the movie. At that point, I was hoping that Uma Thurman would come into the scene and disembowel everybody. These people had the fucking dream . Not just closure, but complete erasure. And they fucked it up. If anything, this movie reminds me of an O.J/ Nicole relationship where both partners are O.J.
The movie ended just over an hour ago. And since then, I'm consumed with one idea. What if I could make the last two years go away? If things were different, I'd probably be living in California right now, making good money and living with someone who loved me, as impossible as that seems. Worst case scenario, I'd still be living here, but I'd still have a job that, while I hated it, paid fairly well and I was very good at.
I might not have been happy, but I would have been a reasonable facisimile of it.
But then you kids wouldn't have this blog, would you?
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to drink a bunch of vodka, go to my room and see if I can "get lucky."
PermalinkLabels: Life With skippy
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