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Saturday, April 23, 2005
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HABEMUS PAPAM : A TALE OF MISSED OPPORTUNITIES
The Catholic Church can miss a public relations opportunity unlike anything that isn't the Democratic Party. You'd think that the One True Church, which has been getting shithammered for palming kids of late, would use the naming of a new Pope to send a strong message of change.
Of course, we all know that didn't happen, don't we?
Instead, Benedict XVI was named. Benedict was John Paul's go to guy for all things uber-conservative. It is not inconceivable that Benedict privately referred to John Paul as a "liberal homo-lover." His Holiness invented the phrase "old school."
Benedict's elevation poses another public relations problem. You see, as a German citizen in the Forties, he was a member of the Hitler Youth. I'll be the last to suggest that his membership was voluntary, fun or anything that he's proud of. On the other hand, if your Church is interested in "inter-faith relations" and has a thousand year history of persecuting Jews, perhaps have someone with the words "Nazi Germany" and "Hitler Youth" anywhere in his biography is perhaps a bad idea.
Plus seeing an oddly garbed German on a balcony before thousands of admirers screaming their devotion brings back some regrettable memories.
You see, the papacy is an inherently political instrument. Most of its positions are in someway political. Politics, as it happens, tends to bring out the very worst in people. This is demonstrated in lefty shithead blogs everywhere this week. The words "Nazi Pope" appear with alarming frequency. Perhaps the Vatican could have thought this through. Besides, it allows me to make jokes about "Pope Strangelove the First."
I had my own my list of candidates. Sure, it might have been a little unorthodox, but it was a good list. It is also a list that I will share with you now.
Some of the smart money was saying that the Vatican could possibly have named an African Pope. This would have been very smart. As the Church contracts in Europe and North America due to its foolish positions on virtually everything, it is rapidly expanding in Africa and Asia. In elevating an African Cardinal to the papacy, the Church could send the message that "we have seen the future and it is dusky, illiterate and starving."
There also would have been the added benefit of spectacular television. The announcement would have been made in the heart of Rome. I'm sure that I'm not telling any tales out of school by telling you that Italians are not exactly famous for getting along with Blacks. If a Black Pope walked out on the Vatican balcony, we could very well have seen Rome burn on live television.
I personally think that if the Church is to survive, it will do so by reaching out to the youth. And in a decidedly different way than they are currently known for. That's why I chose as my front-runner: Snoop Dogg.
Snoop has several advantages. A worldwide youth following and an existing pseudonym at the ready. It would also be refreshing to hear a benediction begin with "Bow wow wow yippe-yo yippie yay, bow wow yippie-yo yippie ya."
Pope Snoop Dogg the First could also address the child molestation scandal by advising the clergy, "If a shorty's lookin' good to you / Drop it like its hoooooot."
Okay, Snoop does have that murder trial in his past. In 1996, he was acquitted of shooting an Ethiopian exchange student to death. Of course, Italians are very forgiving in matters involving the murder of Ethiopians. They have a history of it as well. Perhaps they could bond with Pope Snoop over this.
My second contender was Flavor Flav.
Flav already has the cool headgear necessary for the papacy, and this could offset some of the costs that the Church is paying out in molestation settlements. Plus all of his jewelry is in is mouth. I think that the time has finally come for a pope with gold teeth.
Besides, how cool would it have been to see those curtains part, Flav run out on the balcony, take to the mic and intone, "Yeeeeeeaaahhhhhh Boyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeee!" Flav also doesn't have much to do these days.
I also thought that the Church could have resolved another issue in naming a new pope, the place of women in the Church. Although it'll never happen, I created a list of potential female popes.
First, I picked a natural; Gloria Trevi.
Gloria is a contender for several reasons. Firstly, she actually IS Catholic. Second, as a Mexican national, she represents the third world. Third, she is well versed with gay, underage sex partners. And fourth, just fucking look at her! Christ, she could convince me to get confirmed - 22 years after I should've been.
Of my contenders, Gloria Trevi clearly has the most going for her. Seriously, let's look at that ass some more.
Then I had Raylene on the list.
As a leading light of the porno industry in the late Nineties, Raylene knows the dangers of promiscuity in the modern world. In fact, there are NO skeletons in her closet. All of her sloppy (and they are beautifully sloppy) blowjobs are in the public domain. The same cannot be said of the Collage of Cardinals.
I'm not sure that Raylene is even Catholic, but Í am advised that she dropped out of the pornography industry to study divinity, which is close enough. Besides, look at those boobies! (Links NOT work safe!)
I put Vida Guerra on the list because, quite frankly, her ass is the most conclusive evidence of the existence of God that I've ever seen. Plus, there's a better than even chance that someone named Vida Guerra is a Catholic. Or a communist revolutionary. Nevermind. Let's just adore that ass, shall we?
My list wouldn't have been complete without the longest of long shots, myself. Yes, I was raised Catholic, yet never confirmed. This is because I feel that the Church is fundamentally full of shit about everything.
Why would I make a great pope? Good question! And the answer is simple....
I rock the ukulele!
Given the resources of the Vatican, I would have "two turn tables and a microphone" in very short order and my message would be unstoppable!
All of the choices would have been good ones. But the Church just had to go the safe route.
Pity, that.
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