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Wednesday, September 06, 2006
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 BLINDED BY SCIENCE AGAIN, YET AGAIN!
I love science the way the same way George Reeves loved being Superman. I love it the way Hemmingway loved drinking. I love science the same way Steve Irwin loved animals. That is to say that I love science so much that I hope it kills me someday. Okay, someday soon. Yesterday really isn't soon enough, to be perfectly honest. I'm really old and tired.
But enough about me.
The "cool kids" think that science is for the shut-in and the sexless. It should go without saying that I disagree. Science is the perfect outlet for Wizards of Fun. One need not look further than those who run meth labs for proof. Only science could provide the toothless denizens of trailer parks everywhere with the means to create a four-day high and a mighty erection that will not go away. All this requires is battery acid, industrial solvent, cold medicine and an elementary understanding of science. Furthermore, science allows us all to visit our vengence upon our enemies, real and imagined. If we learned anything at all from Ted Kaczinsky, it was that.
Of course, some sciences are better than others, and some sciences are childish and pathetic, unworthy of consideration by truly serious people like myself and my wonderful sheep readers.
Chief among those sciences is psychology. Not only is it a lesser science, I would argue that psychology is hardly a science at all. I feel that universities only qualify psychology as a science because it instills a sense of self-worth into those to thick to get a liberal arts degree. Indeed, even basket weaving requires a modicum of motor skill while psychology only demands that you be a loudmouth.
Just for giggles, I'll teach you everything your average psychology major learns in four years and I'll do it in one sentence. That sentence would be "I suck, you suck, everybody sucks." Furthermore, it has been my personal experience that the people with the most horribly fucked up personal lives are those with psychology degrees. And none of them are actually psychologists today. Most of them work in one form of marketing or another.
Psychiatry is nothing but psychology with better credentials and a more impressive medicine chest. Not that that medicine chest contains anything you should covet. Not only will the drugs a shrink gives you not produce a mighty four-day hard-on, they'll ensure that you never get it up again. And if you believe that there are worse things than chronic mental illness and suicide, then you probably shouldn't be reading my beautiful, beautiful blog.
But there are times when psychology or psychiatry comes across something so stunningly obvious that one cannot possibly ignore it. For example, a psychiatrist and (for some reason, an accountant) came to the blindingly simple conclusion that Hollywood is full of assholes.
Celebrities have more narcissistic personality traits than the general population, and people with narcissistic tendencies seem to be attracted to the entertainment industry rather than the industry creating narcissists, according to a groundbreaking study conducted by researchers Drew Pinsky of the Keck School of Medicine of USC and S. Mark Young of the USC Marshall School of Business and the USC Annenberg School for Communication.
No kidding, someone somewhere actually paid good money to learn that attention whores sometimes go pro and form large colonies of exhibitionist douchebaggery. Have I ever mentioned that communications students are idiots, too? I know, because I used to be one. Those folks are weapons-grade stupid.
The study, which will be published in the Journal of Research in Personality (Elsevier), is the first systematic, empirical scholarly study of celebrity personality and was based on a standardized test of narcissistic personality traits administered to 200 celebrities.
I hate to break this to the academic community, but The National Enquirer has been administering the same test for some thirty-five years now. And its conclusions are much more fun to read.
Show business is nothing if not an industry based on the phiosophy of "Dig me!" And those who persue that profession will go to some pretty radical extremes to be sufficently dug. For example, Johnny Knoxville became famous by routinely setting himself on fucking fire. Now, I'm not all that smart, but I'd say that this is just a touch more narcissitic a personality than you're likely to find in, say, the meat packing industry.
 Prior to most of western civilization's being swept away by the cult of hollow celebrity, plastic surgery was pretty much the exclusive domain of Nazi fugatives seeking a new life in Paraguay. Now every thirteen year-old girl in Omaha, Nebraska dreams of the day when she can fuck a guy with the means to pay for the tit job that will make her look just like Catherine Bell.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that this is necessarily a bad thing. In fact, Catherine Bell is pretty much the only reason to watch JAG if you're under 70. And I'm generally supportive of anything that instills the unrealistic expectations of having a body like that in very young girls. For the love of Christ, just look at her, will you? You either want to look like that, fuck someone who does, or you live in a cabin in Montana and send letter bombs to the University of Chicago. None of which are things to be ashamed of, they just are what they are.
If anyone thinks that Hollywood shuns Michael Jackson because he's a touch eccentric and likes to jerk off Webster, they really haven't been paying attenton. Michael Jackson is nothing if not the natural ultimate expression of celebrity culture. Sure, lots of folks are impressed by the new set of knockers Pamela Amderson gets every other month, but Jackson has seemingly replaced his entire fucking skull! He went further and did it better than any other celebrity. And he did it first. Hollywood isn't so much disgusted with him as they are jealous.
Not only is Hollywood chock full of sad narcissim, it has infected the rest of society with it as well. Anyone who is just noticing that should not only not be recognized as a scholar, they should be forced to repeat the third grade.
"The general public's understanding of celebrity personality is based largely on anecdotal information such as media interviews," said Young. "We conducted this study as part of a larger program of research to provide more scientific evidence on what the celebrity personality is really like."
Here's a little secret about me. I dropped out of high school and spent about 20 minutes in college. I'm a borderline idiot. But media interviews are the only research tool you really need to understand that show business is loaded to the fucking gills with demented motherfuckers and exhibitionist jackals. Did you see Tom Cruise being interviewed by Matt Lauer last year? Congratulations, you now know as much about celebrity culture as Dr. Drew Pinsky does.
"Narcissists generally crave attention, are overconfident of their abilities, lack empathy, and can evince erratic behavior," said Pinsky, who is an assistant clinical professor of Psychiatry at USC. "However, they are also well-liked, especially on first meeting, are extroverted and perform well in public."
I'm sure that this comes as a huge shock to Madonna. There's a woman who did everything short of jam a canned ham inside of herself so that people would better appreciate her songs about getting schtuppped so well that it felt "like the very first time." Once those songs were properly appreciated, she honestly believed that society as a whole couldn't go another day without Swept Away. Can you imagine anything more narcissistic and erratic than that? And you know what it cost me to come to precisely the same conclusion Dr. Pinsky did? Nothing is what. And it only took me as long as typing out this paragraph to reach it.
 Everything you need to know about Hollywood can be found in the person of W. Axl Rose. Axl's a guy who built an entire career on not giving a fuck. But he couldn't leave the house for 11 years because he was convinced that the follow up to Use Your Illusion is so scary important that nothing else mattered. What Rose can't seem to understand is that my life really didn't end with the release of The Spaghetti Incident, as much as I wish that it did.
Axl's vanity is instrumental in his conclusion that it is highly preferable to look like a badly drawn cartoon than what he is actually is - a middle-aged man. He also doesn't get that he really hasn't done much of anything that Zsa Zsa Gabor didn't do first and do better. And Axl Rose is a relatively minor celebrity these days. Just consider the nonsense that must be floating about in Jennifer Lopez's noggin.
The best part of this ridiculous study is the schmuck who conducted it. You've probably heard of Dr. Drew Pinsky before. He hosts a nationally syndicated radio show called Lovelines, where he explains that you're an idiot, your girlfriend is a slut and cocaine makes you feel good each and every week.
Just how many people do you know go into radio and get shows on MTV to remain anonymous? Depending on how you define celebrity, Pinsky either is a celebrity or he's striving to become one. But he wants you to know that he's above it all and that he's just trying explain the titanic social importance of personality disorders in Hollywood to the peon villagers.
And if you can think of anything more narcissitic than that, you're smarter than I am. Which you're not. I'm smarter than everyone. Prettier, too. You needed to hear that and you'll thank me for it later.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Mannequin Shop By: Paul Westerberg From: 14 Songs
PermalinkLabels: Celebrity Skin
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