|
|
Thursday, January 05, 2006
|
|
 ALL THIS, BULIMIA AND DRUG PROBLEMS TOO!
(Special thanks to The Superficial...Because You're Ugly)
Some people might tell you that being a really hot teenage superstar is tough, and they might be right. But if you're a really hot teenage superstar with substance abuse and mental health issues, then you have the next Mrs. skippystalin!
Meet Lindsay Lohan. Or don't. You've probably already heard of her anyway. If you haven't heard, she's really, really famous. To be perfectly honest with you, I'm not entirely sure why she's really, really famous. But she has perfect boobs and the face of a fetus and therefore makes my penis happy. And if you make my penis happy, then you're okay with me regardless of what you do. Crimes against humanity could be involved and I'm pretty sure I could overlook it.
All things being equal, I'm not that difficult a boy to please. Really, I'm not. All it takes is your having a perfect body, spectacular boobs and the face of a fetus. Being a "three-imput girl" helps, but is not essential.
Actually, most of the last two paragraphs need to be amended. Any description of Lohan in those words should be prefaced with the phrase "used to." The picture to the left is about 18 months old. Lindsay Lohan used to make my penis happy with her formerly spectacular boobs and fetus-like face.
The problem is that Lindsay went through a pretty major hag-out phase. She started out by dying her hair super blonde, which strips a non-blonde hot chick of her hot chick super powers faster than almost anything else. The exceotion to this is rule of course is Jessica Alba. If you're a really hot redhead (of which there are about three living today) and would like to ruin yourself completely with very little work, go blonde.
She also dropped a whole bunch of weight, which is something a generally approve of under most circumstances, but Lindsay wasn't that a big a girl to begin with. Furthermore, Lohan lost about 40 pounds in what seemed like 35 seconds. That tends to leave a girl looking skeletal and droopy at the same time.
Dark rumours abounded that this was the result of a spree of irresponsible drug use and general whorishness, two things that I'm usually a great fan of. This, however, was different. If, in fact, the rumours were true and this was the result, I was desperately turned off, as it would demonstrated that Linsady couldn't physically handle her aleged junkie whoredom. Her new look would usually come at the end of years of such behviour, not months. And you always want to catch a girl at the beginning of such a period rather than the end. Let's just say that the pavement is really hard at the bottom of that slide and some girls go down face first.
And the mystery, such as it was, continued for months, ending only yesterday. This week, Lindsay ended the speculation by admitted that her looking like shit was due to irresponsible drug use and bulimia.
I wasn't at all shocked by the bulimia revelation. Like most worldly gentlemen, I automatically assume that a lovely young lady is bulimic unless the opposite is proven to me. It's the same with her not liking her family very much - it's so common that you just assume it.
Besides, bulimia is a mental illness, and we all know how sexy that is in a fetching young lass. There's nothing quite as endearing as knowing that the hot little sexpot in your life may set your car on fire one morning for no reason at all. Of course, it gets a whole lot less sexy when the woman in question approaches, say, sixty, but life is unfair to women in many ways.
There's nothing quite as romantic as sniffing a bulimic's fingers. To paraphrase Robert Duvall in Apocoplypse Now, "I love the smell of bulimic fingers in the morning. It smells like...victory." Sure, the disorder is primarily based on the woman wanting to look good for herself, but I - and other discerning gentlemen - will take what we can get.
On the other hand, the psysical consequences of bulimia can be dramatic and severe. A growing (or shrinking, as the case may be) needs her nutients. And it is in that spirit that I want to help. A have something of a "liquid Atkins diet" that will keep a steady supply of protien in the aspiring mentally ill starlet. Furthermore, I can offer it to her upwards of seven times a day. Sure, it's traumatic for me, but I'm a very, very giving soul.
I'm all about the giving. And there's nothing shallow about that.
Permalink
|
|
|
| |
