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Tuesday, January 31, 2006
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 LOVE LETTERS TO A BANGALICIOUS BARRISTER
I needed you, I knew I was in danger
of losing what I used to think was mine
You let me love you till I was a failure,
You let me love you till I was a failure
Your beauty on my bruise like iodine
Leonard Cohen, Iodine. From: Death of a Ladies' Man
I'm a generally uncomfortable man. You would be, too if you were History's Greatest Loser (non-Al Gore category) gifted only with an empty head, a tiny penis and a face begging for either a transplant or a bullet. Mine is an existence unclouded by things like optimism, faith or enthusiasm. A massive stroke that took me from my mortal coil in the night would be a gift from nature. And anyone who has seen me up close can tell you that nature's gifts are in short supply in my life.
The music of Leonard Cohen is one of the very few things that doesn't involve my hand violently jammed down the front of my pants that comforts me. His songs ring true in my heart. They comfort me because they remind me that I'm doomed.
They also remind me of my love life. This is particularly true of the song cited above. The lines "You let me love you till I was a failure -- Your beauty on my bruise like iodine " brings so many stories to mind that you teenagers would hang yourselves if I told them all.
For such a singularly unattractive man, I've been lucky in the quality of my romantic partners. If I were to post pictures of some of them with me, you'd swear that you were seeing evidence of a kidnapping. They were beauty on the bruise that is me. And they let me love them until I was a failure, which usually didn't take all that long. Like iodine, each and every one. They only temporarily prevented infection and stung like a motherfucker.
Why yes, I am the last of the great romantics. Thank you for noticing.
I guess this was just a long-winded way of bringing me to my latest object of affection. That would be legal commentator Kimberly Guilfoyle (formerly Newsom.) Guilfoyle is the perfect woman for guys who are tired of getting fucked by lawyers and would to do the fucking for once. And by looking at her, I can't think of a more fuckable lawyer around. Well, that's not entirely true. There's one who lives in the condo I used to supervise that was every bit as cute. But that's another story for another day.
Just look at her! Woweee! For all of the erections that I get from Fox News, the most powerful ones occur when Kimberly Guilfoyle comes on. In fact, she was on Hannity and Colmes last Thursday and my left eye is still stuck shut. Now I know how you girls feel when that happens. It's no fun and I apologize. And my eye got sticky in record time, too! This is because Guilfoyle is hotter than any three other women.
Not that there are some negatives that come with Kimberly. Firstly, she's a little old, a full 359 days older than I am, in fact. This males her a pisces, something that hasn't worked out all that well for me in the past. Sure, the sex was always fantastic. The problems came about when we got to that "not hating me" roadblock. Whenever I've been with another pisces, the Mexican standoff of which one of us hated me more was inevitable. Okay, it wasn't that astrologically specific, but it was far more pronounced with the young ladies who share my sign, of which there were two.
But just look at her, willya! Jesus Christ and all the Dwarves in Disneyland, she's perfect!
Kimberly besides being a lawyer, old and a pisces, also has highly questionable taste in men. She was, after all, married to San Francisco's mayor, Gavin Newsom for nearly four years. Newsom is a handsome man with a cool job. But like most pretty-boys, he's also an idiot. I can't really blame him for this. Like most rich, attractive men, he never had to learn to do the dumb stuff I did, like think rationally and eat pussy.
However, young Gavin took himbo stupidity to a brand new level, an almost intolrable one. He figured that, as mayor of San Francisco, that he could unilaterally change California state law based on the United States Constitution. So he illegally started marrying gays, in violation of state law, on 12 February 2004. This made gay marriage a national issue and, more than anything else, was responsible for re-electing President Bush. The hitchings were forcibly stopped when the California Supreme Court pointed out the obvious, that Gavin Newsom is an idiot. If I'm not mistaken, the majority opinion referred to Newsom as a "moron" no fewer than eight times.
Presumably, Kimberly didn't miss the opportunity to kick him in the nuts with her stillettos. Hopefully, she didn't snap her garter belt when doing so. Oh, I didn't mention that Kimberly Guilfoyle put herself through law school as a lingere model, did I? In any event, she's in the process of divorcing the dumbass, most likely because she knows that I'm out there somewhere. I'm willing to bet that she's an avid reader of my blog and sticks to her chair at least once a day, probably more.
And what's not to love? I mean, other than my human worthlessness, that is. But that might very well change. In one short year, I just might be a professional pornographer! And nothing turns a potential soul mate on more than hearing, "You know, if you play your cards right, I can have your cooch professionally photographed." Women like Kimberly will have no choice but to fall desperately in love with me and immediately take me home to meet their parents! How could they not? I'll be a professional pornographer!
All that I need to do (other than dumb stuff like actually write something) is come up with a cool porno name. I'm kinda partial to "Needledick Jackson," but I get the feeling that you folks ain't feelin' dat.
Any suggestions? After all, Kimberly's happiness depends on it.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to shower. My left eye is really starting to hurt.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: A Singer Must Die. By: Leonard Cohen. From: New Skin for the Old Ceremony
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