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Sunday, February 19, 2006
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 DR. REVEREND AND THE LOST ART OF KEEPIN' IT REAL
You will find that many of these persons are very insistent with their spiritual masters to be granted that which they desire, extracting it from them almost by force; if they be refused it they become as peevish as children and go about in great displeasure, thinking that they are not serving God when they are not allowed to do that which they would. For they go about clinging to their own will and pleasure, which they treat as though it came from God; and immediately their directors, take it from them, and try to subject them to the will of God, they become peevish, grow faint-hearted and fall away. These persons think that their own satisfaction and pleasure are the satisfaction and service of God.
-St. John of the Cross, 1542 - 1592
"Get your fucking facts straight. Don't be niggerin' up the internet."
-Dr. Reverend, February 18, 2006
From time to time, I write about my friend, the great Dr. Reverend. As you know, our relationship has extended over twenty years and he has always been something of a spiritually stabalizing influence on me. We have what seems to be an almost telepathic relationship and he always seems to know when I am faced with what St. John of the Cross has called the "dark night of the soul." It as at those times that he reaches out to me and just knowing that he is there comforts me.
Sometimes his advice is professional and other times it is personal, but it is always given with an eye to my eternal salvation. He is of a mind that my true calling is street preaching. You know, skippy, there aren't just as many old fashioned street preachers out there as there used to be," he'll tell me."All you see out there these days are the Nation of Islam preaching their monkey religion. You need to be out there as a vessel of God. By the way, have you been reading your fucking Bible?"
The good Doctor always takes an active interest in my romantic development as well. About a year ago, a particularly important relationship of mine ended and I was very depressed about this. Knowing the turmoil I was in, he called to console me and offer some Good News.
"skippy, have you forgotten that crazy bitch yet?" he'd offer in his most compassionate tone. "I have the perfect woman for you. She's a 68 year-old Chinese woman I see on the subway every day. She'll treat you right, won't back talk you and will keep you close to God. By the way, have you been reading your fucking Bible?"
If I happened to be dating, the questions would begin. The included, but were not limited to; "So have you fucked her yet?", "She's a (insert job title here)?", "Is she normal?" and, "She don't worship no monkey god, does she? The last thing you need is to be dating a Catholic! You shoould know by now that that's a monkey religion, too"
The Doctor knows that a loving relationship is central to one's spiritual development. And his concern for my soul touches me deeply.
And Doctor Reverend isn't just concerned with me. He's like Jesus in that he has enough concern for everyone. On Thursday night, I learned that he's concerned with the state that "keepin' it real" in. He feels that with the obvious mental breakdown of Dave Chappelle, the entire concept has fallen into some disrepute.
From time to time, my friend the Doctor comes to me for advice. This most often occurs when he and Mrs. Bloody Diapers are in disagreement. Thursday was such an occasion.
"I'm thinking of getting a tattoo," he said as we discussed this most weighty of matters. "On my forehead. I want to say '#1 Keeping it Real Nigga.' "
Of course, I pointed out that his in-laws live in St. Louis and some of the natives might be less than enthused with this message. After all, they pride themselves on their ability to keep things real. Realer, in fact, than most cities that aren't Detroit and Oakland.
"That's the beauty in it," he declared. "You need to go to where the problem is! You can't take the mountain to ... what's his name? The raghead. You have to take the raghead to the mountain! Those people need to know that they just aren't keepin' it real enough, and I'm just the guy they need to hear it from. Is there a better friend to the darkies than me? I don't fucking think so."
Then our deliberations were broken off suddenly. "My wife's home. She's going to want booze and pot and to throw things at me. I've gotta go. Now go read your fucking Bible," he said before the line went dead.
One of the most surprising revelations of my life is that so few of you come here each and every day when there is so much that came be learned at My Diapers are Bloody.
Can you think of a better place to turn for adoption advice? I can't.
Now I don't want you to start thinking that I'm not a friend of the Chinaman,
because I am. I've even spoken to MrsBloodyDiapers about purchasing a baby
Chinaman instead of her birthing a child for us. There are many advantages of
having a Chinese baby. For instances, when he gets to be four or five, we could
dress him up like Chairman Mao, or Uncle Ho Chi Minh, and have him do little
dances and sing revolutionary songs for our friends. Wouldn't you like to go to
a dinner party and see a tiny Chairman Mao dance a jig while singing the
Internationale? I could also build him a little dry cleaning counter, and he
could play "Mr. Dry Cleaner". This would give him a chance to investigate all
the abiguities of Chinese esoterica.
Would you like to know why America is the indepesnsible nation? Look no further.
When it comes down to it, what purpose does America, (or almost any other country) serve if it's not to fight Israel's wars? America is among one of the greatest nations on earth, and it's not because they have a large military or powerful economy. It's becaue they defend Israel, and there is, nor ever will be, a nobler cause.
Have you ever been curious as to why the Jews are the "chosen people? Wonder no more.
The Jews are Gods people. God doesn't give a shit about anyone who's not a Jew. If the Jew disappears, like the President of Iran wants them to, God will abandon this planet. Then you'll all be fucked. Earth would last about 20 minutes without God, and it won't be a pleasent 20 minutes because you'll probably spend it with some scabby Arab dick in your ass.
Have interior decorating questions? Dr. Reverend is your guy!
My wife said she'd divorce me if I go forward with my plan to install a toilet in the kitchen.
What I want to know is how someone could not want a toilet next to the refrigerator?
How many times have you found yourself standing there with the fridge door open, thinking to yourself, "That hunk of chicken flesh looks really tasty", and at the same time realize that your really have to take a dump?
The good Doctor dilligently chronicled my reaction to the crimes of Karla Homolka for the ages.
And never let it be said that a great man is remote from the people.
Do me a favour, take 3 minutes out from molesting your kids, your dog, your grandma, or whatever the hell it is you sick fuckers do in your spare time and leave a goddamn comment.
He also wants your dining experience to be a pleasant one.
And speaking of motherfuckers I've recently had a great idea for a restaurant. Yup, you guessed it, the name is Motherfuckers.
What I want to do is get a bunch of white guys, dress them up in black face and have them work as the staff. Everyone will be greeted with a friendly "Howdy Motherfucker" when they walk through the door.
I want to server grits, chitlins, collared greens, pig tail, watermellon, fried chicken. "Howdy Motherfucker! We gots us some goooooooood fried chicken tonight!"
The waiters would also spontaniously break into Al Jolson songs.
Man, a restaurant like that sure would be sweet. Some people visit Dr. Reverend to learern how to get a bargain.
If you want more out of life, if you want men to treat you better, if you want free stuff then you should provide more blow jobs for men.
Men respond quite well to blow jobs. Say you want to get into a movie for free, what do you do? Well just get on down and give that usher a blow job and you'll be enjoying your free movie in no time.
What if you want a free can of okra? Just blow the stock boy at the local supermarket and you'll be enjoying your okra before you know it.
But remember one thing; DON'T BE A RACE TRAITOR!!!!!
And you know what? He was right! I can't tell you how many free movies I've seen lately.
I learn more from Doctor Reverend in one day than most of you teenagers learn in four years of college.
So what are you doing here? Go read your fucking Bible!
PermalinkLabels: Life With skippy
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