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Sunday, February 26, 2006
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 THE LONG DONG OF THE LAW
Since we're all adults here, I don't think it's necessary to be coy about today's topic; the need to have a big, giant penis. I think we all know that if you aren't endowed with a monster scvantz, you're pretty much doomed to a life of humiliation and failure. There's really no fate crueller than that suffered by a needle-cocked loser. Don't ask me how I know that, just know that I do.
To avoid this fate, any reasonable man will take the appropriate steps to ensure that his pussy pleaser is always kept in a state of maximum girth, length and readiness. To do otherwise would simply be irresponsible. Since judges are celebrated for their sense of responsibility and decorum - and often an example that is followed by the entire community - it stands to reason that they demand that their meat plows be always at the ready.
For those reasons, I couldn't be sadder to see former judge Donald Thompson getting fucking railroaded by the man.
The facts in the case of the Creek County district judge couldn't simpler. Oklahoma's too fucking uptight about a gentleman ensuring that his tool is in fighting shape. That's really all you need to know, but objectivity demands that I give you the full background. I'd be doing less than the journalistic yeoman's work that my world-wide audience has come to love and respect me for if I didn't.
Judge Thompson stands accused of using a penis pump to keep himself in shape. That's all. Didn't I tell you that Oklahoma was really uptight? Okay, I'd be less than completely honest if I left out the fact that he frequently did it during trials, too. Jury trials. But that's a pretty dumb thing to complain about because judicial benches are really high. Besides, judges should set an example, and nothing's more important than a heathy cock.
There's also an allegation that Thompson was shaving his nuts during a murder trial. Well, isn't personal grooming important? What the jury think about the dignity of the court if the judge was scratching his scrotum because he didn't have an opportunity to shave that day? I'm pretty sure they'd think he wasn't a serious man. Maybe they'd even let a murder defendent off because of it. So if you're anything like me, you see this as a life and death issue. Nicely shaved testicles are just that important. As you know, I do mine several times a week for that very reason. I'm all about crime prevention.
Needless to say, the Attorney General of Oklahoma, Drew Edmondson sees it differently. Probably because he's a mindless cur and an atavistic monster to boot. Edmondson considered Thompson's conduct to be a violation of Oklahoma's juicial canon of ethics instead of common sense and sought his removal from the bench. Thompson responded by resigning.
Because Edmondson is a bloodthirsty ghoul with no sense of what being a man is really all about, he indicted Thompson on four counts of indecent exposure. If convicted, the former judge could be sent to prison for up to 41 years. Whether the state can demand a pound of Thompson's flesh too remains to be seen.
Obviously, this is the single most heinous persecution of an individual since the crucifiction of Christ. Actually, this case is worse because Jesus was thought of as a troublemaker by virtually everybody. Jesus was a lot like Kurt Cobain in that he didn't gain wide popular acceptence until after he died. Oh, and Jesus wasn't burdened with Dave Grohl. Thompson is being hounded for things that should deserve prison time if he didn't do them. I'm sure that I'm not alone in seeing this as anything less fucking outrage. Not only is it a perversion of justice, it's a perversion of perversion. And I think everyone nows how I feel about that.
You know, it's a goddamn good thing that I'm here to do your thinking for you kids because I'm good at seeing things like the truth through the walls of bullshit that human garbage like Drew Edmondson throw up. And you know what I see? Enormous stakes in the battle to protect American concepts like freedom and justice is what! Edmondson is like al-Qaeda in his opposition to things like penis pumps and crotch shaving. That right, if Judge Thompson loses, the fucking terrorists win.
I understand why everyone is so goddamn uptight. Oklahoma is a backward and sad place where just asking your wife or girlfriend (or both) to put on a strap on and randily roger your ass was a felony until about 13 minutes ago. Fun itself has been criminalized there for far longer than anyone would care to admit. That's why Oklahoma needs people like Judge Thompson and me to keep the jar-headed dwarfs there something approaching free. It's a major sacrifice for me because it keeps me from doing important stuff, like masturbating at work, but it's something that the judge and I do without complaint. Of course, the people of Oklahoma won't thank us for our good deeds, but who really expects them to? Fucking Luddites.
If there were anything even approaching justice in this world, the persecution of Judge Thompson would immediately stop and he would be elevated to the Supreme Court of the United States without further delay. If the Democrats tried to block that nomination, I would advise President Bush to call out the military and slaughter them all with bayonets. This White House and I have our share of disagreements, but we are both well aware, and respectful of, the other's taste for the jugular of our political opponents.
This is a darkly momentous week for the High Court. Perhaps the single most important case since Marbury v. Madison (1803) itself comes before it. That case involves Anna Nicole Smith and the estate of her late husband, J. Howard Marshall. The case of Big-Titted Nitwit v. Exceptionally Old Dead Guy (1996) asks the kind of questions that any sensible constitutional scholar should want the answers to. These questions include, but are not limited to; "just what is an intense and probably very sloppy and loving blowjob worth to a dead guy anyway?", and "Can Anna Nicole Smith hurry up and sit on my face before she gets all fat and sweaty again already?"
Even though he has unequalled expertise in matters such as these, we really can't expect Justice Thomas to answer them all by himself, can we? He'll be busy retraining Justice Steven's undignified howls of, "Let's see those titties, you retard slut!" Christ, what was President Ford thinking when he put that unreconstructed pervert on the Court anyhow?
These are serious times for serious people, and I think its way to earlier for Roberts and Alito to deal with something like this. Does either strike you as being capable of dealing with the confused mass depravity, dilaudid, silicone and ejaculate (both human and animal) that is Anna Nicole Smith? I think we all know that they aren't. All it'll take is one flash of Smith's logic-defying knockers and Breyer's ass will hurt for a month. And I think we can all agree that Breyer's been through enough already, can't we?
This isn't the time for the rookie team out on the front lines. And that's why former judge Donald Thompson should be Justice Thompson immediately. When issues as important as these confront us, we need the quiet dignity that Donald Thompson, his pump and bic would bring. Justice itself demands it.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Shame By: Randy Newman From: Bad Love
PermalinkLabels: I Fought The Law, Modern Heroes
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