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Sunday, February 12, 2006
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 THOUGHTS OF THE MODERN HEROD TO KANYE WEST'S POSTMODERN JESUS
I have what can be regarded as a large bug up my ass about Kanye West. I feel that the guy is a pretentious, egomanical idiot of the worst order. And this, my friends, is saying a lot. I usually like pretentious, egomanical idiots, if only because they make me feel morally superiour to somebody, and I desperately need that from time to time. But West is pretentious and egomanical in the most boring way. Worse, he is someone who is boring, yet strives to be controversial.
There are few classes of people more tiresome than those who strive for controversey. That's always been my problem with Marylin Manson. Some folks are naturally talented and some aren't. Those who aren't seek controversey. That's just the way things are. It's the natural order of things and you fuck with it at your peril.
I don't want to suggest that West isn't talented. I don't know enough about him to make that judgement. My exposure to his music is exclusively limited to when I was a Doer of Good Deeds Under License of the Province of Ontario and Her Majesty, the Queen and arresting theiving bastards. Probably sixty percent of that time was spent in a major international record store chain and I was given little choice but to be exposed to the first Kanye West album. I will admit to thinking that "Jesus Walks" was pretty good fucking song, although it shames me to do so. Obviously, shame is not in short supply in my life.
My thoughts on Mr. West would have pretty much ended there had he had the good sense to keep his fucking mouth shut. I should have known that this was too much to expect by half. Like most mouth breathing celebrities, Kanye isn't content to be rewarded with incredbile wealth and empty reverence from the masses. Oh no, that would be far too little to settle for. Kanye is one of those fools who wants not only to be celebrated, he won't settle for anythng less than fucking deification.
The poor, silly bastard. He didn't seem to learn his lesson when he cried far and wide about being "robbed" at sundry awards shows. All those tiny tirades proved is that Kanye is a sad little man who bases his sense of self-worth on whether or not he gets a gold star on his fucking forehead from the good people at Dick Clark Productions. Maybe no one has told Kanye that Dick Clark begins each day by drinking a giant goblet of of an infant's blood to stay eternally young. Clark actually has a baby farm outside of Bakersfield, California to ensure he has a reliable supply of this unholy nectar. On the other hand, maybe somebody did tell West and he just doesn't care.
No, Kanye seems to thrive off of the disapproval of reprobates like me. This is because it gives him something new to play with; a persecution complex. Once you develop a persecution complex, you can compare yourself to Jesus Christ. I myself am not immune from this, but I have particularly good reasons for doing so. Firstly, I'm pretty sure that I have a body that would look much nicer crucified than Jesus'. Secondly, I masturbate several times a day to cleanse the world of its sin. You're welcome, by the way.
The last thirty days have proved to be a banner month for West's biblical confusion and rampant narcissistic assholery. You see, it is widely accepted that most people accept religion as means of becoming a part of something larger than themselves. Not our Kanye. West is convinced that relgion isn't big enough without him at its center. This is why he feels that the Bible would be much better were he included in it.
Cocky rap star KANYE WEST is calling for a revised edition of THE BIBLE, because he thinks he should be a character in it.
The JESUS WALKS hitmaker, who picked up three Grammy Awards last night, feels sure he'd be "a griot" (West African storyteller) in a modern Bible.
He says, "I bring up historical subjects in a way that makes kids want to learn about them. I'm an inspirational speaker.
"I changed the sound of music more than one time... For all those reasons, I'd be a part of the Bible. I'm definitely in the history books already."
And he's modest. As we all know, the Bible addresses the importance of that several times.
If I'm right, West is also probably one of those people who believe that Jesus was a black man. This would make him even dumber than I suspected. Everybody knows that Jesus was a Mexican.
On the other hand, maybe Kanye's onto something. Americans increasingly describe themselves as religiously observant, but seem more and more unaware of what the Bible actually says. Maybe if the apostles were garbed in Ralph Lauren and important issues such as "bling" were addressed, the ecclesiastic message would have greater mass appeal. Perhaps the Word of God would have more resonance if it rhymed and had better meter.
I'm not sure that Kanye has even thought out the implications of being able to amend the Bible to better suit his crazed ego. If he can insist on being a modern Jesus, it should follow that I can be a modern Herod the Great and use all of my regal resources to dispose of any future Kanyes. Yes, some innocent blood might be spilled, but you can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs, now can you?
Jesus was also considered to be something of a troublemaker by his contemporaries and was dealth with accordingly. Should Kanye become overly fond of his crown of thorns, perhaps the day will come that he can be introduced to rest of the Passion's fashion ensemble.
One can only hope that day comes soon.
Special thank to the Ace of Spades HQ (see here), which never feels the need to maliciously libel Dick Clark to make a point. However, I should point out that libelling Dick Clark hapens to be fun.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Jesus, etc By: Wilco. From: Yankee Hotel Foxtrot
PermalinkLabels: I Hate Music
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