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Wednesday, April 26, 2006
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 CHARLIE SHEEN, EVERYMAN
Women are a big pain in the ass. This is something we know, but never actually know until they decide that your relationship is over. You see, women like to compress their resentments as they add up over the course of the relationship and when things are over, they explode. Anyone who knows anything about physics knows what this explosion is like. Things that they seemingly tolerated at the time suddlenly inspire tears, furious anger and a torrent of firey and profane rhetoric. Incidents that are months and years old return, seemingly from the grave, as matters of current controversey.
Usually this happens on their blogs. Or maybe that's just me. If you have a truly special relationship, the ugly details of trivial annoyances writ large emerge in divorce filings. Of course, I have no personal experience with that, because no one has ever loved me.
All of you broads out there will probably deny the above, but there's no point. Everyone with a penis knows what the score is. Particularly my readers. I have the hippest audience of 28 year-old virgins on the Internet today.
No one should be surprised to know that the hidden Id of every man on the planet has found its perfect expression in Charlie Sheen. How many of us haven't been compelled to testify in federal court about a prostitution ring that we patronized? How many of us haven't been kidnapped by a bounty hunter our father has hired to force us into rehab when we were thirty-five? Show me a man who says that he hasn't and I'll show you a liar!
There's a little bit of Charlie Sheen in all of us. When he stumbles, we all fall. That's why the petty nitpicking of Denise Richards is so hurtful.
Denise made any number of silly allegations that, even if true, only proves that Charlie Sheen is a Renaissance Man.. Sure, you could get upset at Charlie for getting all loopy on painkillers and looking at lots of pornography, but that just means that you don't understand men at all. Those are the things we do. Just as a dog licks his balls, we abuse dilaudid and stare endlessly at fuck movies, frequently at the same time. That women don't know the joys of recieving a suppository whilst masturbating is but one of the differences between the sexes.
Richards is a bitter ball of resentment, and that resentment seems even to extend to the birth of their daughter.
Richards also claimed that on the way to the hospital for the birth of their daughter Lola last year, Sheen placed a gambling bet by phone, and was checking his pager for the results as she was wheeled into surgery for her C-section.
Maybe you girls don't understand this, but childbirth is very boring when its not your genitalia being stretched out of a recognizably human proportion.It can also take a very long time. What the fuck was Charlie supposed to do to keep himself amused? At least he didn't bring pornography with him, which I would have. That isn't a reflection on Denise, I just have a lot of porn and try to always have some with me at all times. I'm like a Boy Scout that way.
Richards also seems to have a lot to say about the porno, too.
Richards's declaration, filed in support of her request for a restraining order against Sheen, contends that Sheen "belonged" to "disturbing" sites "which promoted very young girls, who looked underage to me with pigtails, braces, and no pubic hair performing oral sex with each other."
Look, girls with pigtails and no pubic hair who perform oral sex with each other are the very best kind there is. They just don't come better than that, and trust me, I've looked far and wide. Shit, you don't have to believe me, just ask Joan at Seven Inches of Sense. She'll tell you and she's right about virtually everything. I will concede that the braces are pretty disturbing, if only because the potential for painful scraping is so high.
If Denise was any kind of a wife at all, she would've taken note in Charlie's interests and tried to accomodate them. Is putting in some pigtails, shaving your cooter and eating just a little pussy all that much to ask? If you happen to be Denise Richards, it appears so. No marriage can survive that kind of selfishnes, and anyone who thinks it can is a fool.
Okay, so Denise doesn't like the "naughty little girl" style of porn. Charlie is nothing if not a man of varied interests.
Other sites visited by Sheen, Richards alleges, involved "gay pornography also involving very young men who also did not look like adults."
One can assume that Richards wasn't pleased by that, either. There's just no keeping some women happy.
The divorce papers suggest that Denise Richards is a luddite, with no appreciation of the Internet's potential.
Richards claims that she also discovered that Sheen "belonged to several sex search type sites" on which he "looked for women to have sex with." His online profile, Richards adds, included a photo of "his erect penis."
I think its safe to say that somewhere out there, Al Gore is smiling. He couldn't have known what wonders the World Wide Web would bring when he was inventing it, but I'm sure he had something like this in mind.
I can say from personal experience that having lots and lots of sex with women you meet online is something to be encouraged. It's a benevolent thing, really. There are any number of women in empty marriages with horrible sex lives out there, and they need to carnally gratified by men like me and Charlie Sheen. Those women remember men like us fondly for the rest of their lives, and witholding our skills from them would be selfish and wrong. Deeply, desperately wrong. Wrong in ways that the Bible spoke about. Now, I don't know about you, but I'm not taking the chance that the Bible isn't really a bunch suspersitious nonsense and going to Hell just because Denise Richards thinks I shouldn't be fucking as many net girlies as possible. And neither is Charlie Sheen.
But that's the way Denise Richards wants it. If it were up to her, no one would see Charlie's erect penis and she'd probably less than thrilled about my own. And that's wrong beyond words, because I have a beautiful, beautiful cock. Those of you who have seen it should write Denise a letter telling her to get with the program.
 Or not. I've always had this weird feeling about Denise Richards that has been confirmed by this filing. She's an extremely beautiful woman who is not at all sexy. Attractive, yes, but in no way hot. This probably has a lot to do with why she's so annoying. I imagine that having sex with Richards would be like fucking a painting, not particularly memorable and more truble than it's worth. And I'm probably not telling tales out of school when I say that there is no comfortable way to remove paint from your putz. How I know that is unimportant and frankly, a story best left for another day.
Sure, she looks acceptable naked (link NSFW), but there should always be more to a woman than that. Maybe not much, perhaps, but a little.
I've had women like Denise Richards in my day, and all I can tell you is that it's best to avoid having sex with them any more than five times. Any more than that, and you'll find the sexual frustration makes you a furious, bitter bastard. Just look at Charlie Sheen and what's become of him.
Denise's filing and supporting documentation pretty clearly show what his pain in the ass, frigid bitch of a wife has done to him. As evidenced by his voicemails to his beloved, he is clearly enraged. So angry is he that he has beome racially confused. On April 19th of last year, Charlie left his bride a message that concluded with, "You're a coward and a liar and a fucking nigger alright so fuck you."
Clearly, that's going too far. Such language should never be condoned or encouraged. Calling your wife "dickface," as Sheen also did on the 19th, is one thing. That can be taken as a term of endearment. And perhaps if Denise had more dick in her face, we wouldn't be where we are. Now you know why I'm such a successful relationship counsellor.
Using the n-word is uncalled for in any context, but particularly in this one. After all, Denise Richards is perhaps the whitest of white girls. This woman is white in ways that make John Kerry seem like James Brown. If she wanted to be a truly well-rounded adult, she'd abandon her silly relationship with Richie Sambora of the disturbingly aryan Bon Jovi and hook up with George Clinton.
Obviously, Charlie has been driven so far over the edge by the chilly conduct of his frosty wife that he can no longer distinguish black from white. It's tragic what failed love does to a man. Truly, truly tragic.
 Of course, Sheen has been provoked mightily. Richards has gone so far as to suggest that her husband was involved in the fate of the dead, yet still highly fuckable, porno star, Chloe Jones.
When I read that, I was driven to a Joseph Welch level of outrage. Accusing your estranged husband of murder is one thing. Butting into the very special relationship between a man and a porno slut is quite another. What's the matter, Denise? Doesn't poor Charlie have a puppy for you to kick, too? The special bond between b-level celebrity and professional fuck-doll is sacred. Sacred, I tell you! Have you no sense of decency, miss? At long last, have you left no sense of decency?
Yes, you continue to hound Charlie just because he may or may not have have threatened to kill you and your whelpish children. But after getting between a man and his porno-whore, what did you expect? Charlie would be a saint if he reacted differently. Christ, didn't Hassselhoff go over the edge over far less? And don't even get me started on Yanni. I'm just glad that Chloe isn't around to see this. She'd be mortified and, very probably, ashamed to be a woman.
If there's anything at all to find positive about divorce, its that it brings out the worst in everyone and it takes a really, really long time to be done with. That means I could be writing about my Hero, Charlie Sheen for months to come. He couldn't be more entertaining if he actually was two and a half men.
PermalinkLabels: Celebrity Skin
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