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Wednesday, July 12, 2006
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 LINDSAY LOHAN WANTS TO BE A FILTHY LITTLE WHORE, skippystalin GRACIOUSLY OFFERS HIS ASSISTANCE
There are any number of broads out there who get awfully fucking touchy when you straddle them in such a way that allows them to give you a rimjob while you titty-fuck them. I've always suspected that Lindsay Lohan isn't one of those broads. Paris Hilton, either. But pretty much every other celebrity is. Those Hollywood bitches are way too uptight about having a man squat over their faces for their own good. Don't ask me how I know this, just know that I do.
I know there's been some difference of opinion about this, but I always thought that Lindsay is just the kind of girl whose panties you could shove in her mouth, find out how many of your fingers you could fit in her ass, and take her to the bathtub for a good peeing upon. Y'know, a keeper.
There aren't a lot of men out there who can handle a girl like Lindsay Lohan. Basically, there are just two. Me and Dan Rather. Lindsay, Dan and I share something other than an affinity for extreme sex as well. Courage. The courage to know that if sex isn't the most humiliating and degrading part of your day, somebody just isn't doing it right. And it probably isn't me. There's a reason I never name the women I've slept with on this blog. They're already humiliated enough. See? Courage!
Courage is everything! I really can't stress it enough. 
But this was supposed to be about Lindsay, wasn't it? As always, I'm somewhat reluctant to discuss myself and my sundry sexual proclivities because, as you all know, I'm very shy. However, there is a reason that I'm sharing so much this good eve. You see, Lindsay sees a personal transformation afoot, and I'm just the kind of man she needs to walk her through it. I'm very giving that way.
Even though I have never seen one of her movies, I have been aware for several years that she was the most fuckable underage girl who wasn't an Olsen twin. Indeed, we all watched her grow and flourish. We all watched her superior milkbags get photographed in revealing tops as well. Frankly, you're all lucky I didn't die of dehydration three years ago. Always remember to take in at least as many fluids as you wantonly fire out of your cock, preferably more. But that's why I write the blog and you just read it. It's also why I think of myself as an old Chinese dude and all of you as David Carradine.
While she is covered in freckles nearly as unsightly as my own, Lohan overcomes this handicap by having two of the most spectacular titties ever and a mouth that was created to put virtually everything that isn't food into. Which brings us to Lindsay's rumoured eating disorder. Over the last couple of years, Lohan's weight dropped down to approximately 105 pounds. Now you and I know that 105 pounds is the perfect weight for every woman who is under 22 feet tall, but people who read tabloids don't. This is because tabloid readers are morbidly obese yentas who haven't given a rimjob or been peed on in several decades, if ever. Obviously, you shouldn't ask the opinion of such people on anything. All that'll bring you is pain.
What most people stubbornly insist is an "illness", I recognize for what it is - a way for desperately unhappy people to feel pretty. That society discourages it is just further proof that you are all evil. On the other hand, Lindsay's sudden thin fabulousness might also be attributal to her long-suspected cocaine abuse. I don't think I need to tell any of you what word best describes a girl with big tits, an eating disorder, and a drug problem, but I will. "Perfect." Lindsay Lohan is perfect. If any of my loyal readers have a daughter or are considering having one, you should raise her to be just like Lindsay Lohan. How can any man love her if you don't?
Just so you know, the last two sentences are printed on the reverse side of my "World's Greatest Dad" coffee mug.
It has to be hard when you achieve human perfection at the tender age of 23. Where can you go from there? Glad you asked. The only thing you can do is become even more perfect. But however do you do this? Again, glad you asked.
If you're Lindsay Lohan, you put out a book detailing what a filthy little whore you are and discuss your magnificent mammaries at great length.
"It's my body. And I like my body. And I like my breasts. And no, they're not fake. I think a woman's body is so much more sensual than a man's. I'm not saying strip off all your clothes, but there are certain photos I like people taking of me, where I'm comfortable. As long as it's tasteful. Why not?"
I like Lindsay's breasts, too. I like them more than words can say, which is why I let my penis do the talking when it comes to such matters. But you know what I love? I love that Lindsay is still young and innocent enough to think that I or anyone cares if her tits are real or not. All things being equal, breast implants are far, far better than the real thing.
Firstly, they hang better. Secondly, the age of 35 punches most women directly in the face. Hard. You're really going to want to have something neat for us to look at and play with if you want to be loved in your golden years. And a set of big plastic jugs are about as good as it gets. And if you want to show them off, why not? Just know that men and women have very different ideas of what is and isn't "tasteful."
 Ladies, do you really need Sex in the City when you have me? The answer is no, of course you don't. Memo to guys: chicks also dig it when you answer questions for them, too.
Some of you might think that having great funbags, not eating, snorting coke and putting out your own fuckbook is a good place to start, but hardly what you and I know as the "advanced class" of slutish behaviour.
Lindsay has that covered. That's why she's taken to being photographed sucking cock. Or pretending to suck cock. Whatever. All I know is that I've been typing with one hand for the last five mnutes. Another thing I've noticed is that judging by the look on the fellatee's face, she could use a LOT more practice. Even a bad knob-polishng should inspire more than a look of boredom approaching despair.
Which is where I come in. I know this is going to sound a little immodestl, but it happens to be true. I've turned women a whole lot more dignified than Lindsay Lohan into drooling little fuck-pigs. It takes a lot of work and, yes, other men eventually end up enjoying the fruits of my labor because of my lack of a halfway decent personality, but that misses the point completely. I do this not for me, but for my art. I'm nothing if not a carnal pedagogue.
Lindsay, if you're reading this (and I'm pretty sure you are. Probably through Annika's Journal where all of your fan mail ends up), know that I'm here for you. You've done pretty well discovering your inner skank on your own and I applaud that. It couldn't have been easy or fun. But I think we both know that it's time for a true professional to step in. I can teach you things that the foreigner from That 70's Show doesn't even know exists. As much as I love Ryan Adams, he's far too bohemian to be very much fun. And don't start me on Bruce Willis. It'll be better for all of us if you don't.
No, you need a shithead Canadian blogger with the twisted carnality of a brain-damaged doberman and the penis of a three year-old girl to show you how to be All That You Can Be. Many are called but few are truly qualified to put a hot little piece of work like you in her place, Lindsay.
But know that I'll sacrifice and do whatever it takes to bring out your inner filthy little slut. Yes, it could take months of intensive work, but I'll teach you everything you need to know. All you'll need is a goal. Here's yours; remember the bored looking guy that you're pictured blowing? Well, once I'm done with you, he'll be plowing his putz through your meat pillows as you eat his ass and beg for "bath time." And he'll have a very different expression on his face.
Just remember, it's either me or Dan Rather that can teach you these things.
Courage.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: A Lap Dance is So Much Better When the Stripper is Crying By: The Bloodhound Gang From: Hooray for Boobies
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