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Tuesday, August 08, 2006
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 COLIN FARRELL BRINGS THE SEXY, THE SEXY FOUND TO BE UNDERWHELMING
Women are known for saying dopey shit like "looks don't matter." I suppose that they say this because they think it will make them appear to be sensitive and morally superior to men. In fact, all that statement proves is that they're piss-poor liars and think that everyone is dumb enough to believe them.
"Looks don't matter" is most often followed by the quality that women say they really want, "a sense of humor." Well, if that were true, my dick would never have time to dry off. Not only am I one funny motherfucker, I look as though I spent my childhood getting hit in the face with a brick. You would think this makes me the perfect man. As you might suspect, it doesn't.
No, women also say that they want a man with "personality." I have a surplus of that, but women are very, very vague. What they mean to say is that they want a man with a pleasant personality. By the time I found out what they meant, I was already well into my twenties and my complete lack of a soul was too established to change. Therefore, my love life relies exclusively on charm, guile and Rohypnol. Oddly, this isn't as bad as one would suppose. Also, it's much more intellectually and emotionally honest that your average Playmate centerfold profile.
Colin Farrell, on the other hand, is rather popular with the ladies. Famously ignorant about virtually everything, known to be a vicious prick in his interactions with most of humanity, and entirely too self-important to considered anything approaching humorous, Farrell is to many women the ideal mate. This is because Colin Farrell is considered to be an attractive man. Well, he is if you fancy greasy substance abusers with low I.Qs and giant eyebrows.
Okay, he might not be my type, but certainly Farrell is practiced in bringing the sexy, no?
Let's see.
MIAMI Vice movie star Colin Farrell swept a young fan off her feet so quickly that they met at breakfast-time... and made love three times before lunch
The handsome actor's encounter with Woody Allen's French au pair Angelique Jerome came only hours before he waved to excited fans at the London premiere of the blockbuster movie.
All right! We're cooking with gas now! Ms. Jerome might be the perfect woman to measure the sexy of young Colin. Since she's French, she can overlook the fact that Farrell doesn't appear to bathe very frequently. And, having worked for Woody Allen, she knows what it is to be surrounded by a force-field of the the Male Sexy. Say what you will about Woody, but how many guys do you know that have fucked both his girlfriend and her daughter? How many clarinet players do you know that get any pussy at all?
And what tale does Angelique have to tell about her day with Farrell?
But though Irish-born Colin was Angelique's movie idol before their lust-fuelled encounter, his performance left her less than impressed when all three bouts of hurried sex added up to only 10 minutes.
Gadzooks! And to think that things were going so well for Colin Farrell, what with his introduction as a three-poke bloke. Three bouts of the sexy equalling but 10 mere minutes is not good. Any woman will tell you that. Could this possibly get worse?
Angelique 24 - who looked after movie legend Woody's children for two years - said: "He has a great body and a charm that any woman would kill for. But he's all talk. Between the sheets, he is a let-down with only half a baguette in his lunchbox, if you know what I mean. He comes across as a tiger on screen, but behind closed doors he's as wild as Mickey Mouse.
Wow. He can only fuck for an average of three minutes and has a tiny cock, to boot. I have to admit that I may have been wrong about Colin Farrell. He might just be the sexiest guy ever!
"Moments later he kissed me hard on the mouth, grabbed me and threw me on to the bed. He tore at my clothes and kept saying how beautiful I was. When I was naked, he ran his eyes up and down my body, gasping with pleasure." The couple made love on the bed, against the bathroom wall and in the shower."
Angelique said: "He was enthusiastic and athletic. He was so keen to have me, he didn't want to wear any protection. He just said, 'It'll be OK, it'll be OK'. But for all his ardour, it was like he was reading from a text book, lurching from one position to another. He loved it when I climbed on top. He was cooing, 'C'est bon, c'est bon'. It's clearly the only French he knows.
Note to guys: When you only know two words of a foreign language, stick to English. Otherwise you end up sounding like Hoffman in Rain Man. You'd be far better off just repeating your five favorite Ron Jeremey quotes over and over, like some demented mantra. Again, don't ask how I know this, just know that I do.
"We made love three times but the actual sex only lasted 10 minutes in total. At one point he lifted me up and carried me to one side of the bed so we were both looking in his full-ength mirror. He said, 'Look how beautiful you are'.
"To be fair, he did try and give me pleasure, kissing me all down my body - but his heart wasn't really in it. I kept having to fake orgasms - one, two, three - to keep him happy and let him keep his dignity. It seemed the polite thing to do."
Gentlemen, this is why you make good and goddamn sure that you bring the ladies in your life off at least three times. Because if you don't, she'll go to the fucking media with tales of what a lousy lay you are - you know, to protect your dignity. And if a woman can't get the press interested in what a lousy lay you are, she'll just tell all of her friends. It's the polite thing to do.
But never let it be said that Ms. Jerome isn't without some helpful parting advice. Some constrctive criticism, as it were.
Despite Colin's bad-boy reputation - the Dublin-born actor once told Playboy magazine: "I've always been a firm believer that casual sex is a good thing" - Angelique says he seemed nervous, clumsy and unsure.
"He must have told me I was beautiful eight times, or more. And he was always looking me in the eye. I found that rather off-putting, as if I were some kind of school project. It was too clinical. He didn't at all come across as a sex god who had slept with countless woman. If I didn't know better, I could almost have thought it was his first time.
Ouch. Those exit interviews never do go well, do they?
The best part of this story (other than joy I get from someone I don't like getting humiliated in public) is that it will likely effect Farrell's life not at all. This is the joy in being a great looking guy. There's absolutely no incentive whatsoever to be good in bed. Ugly men like me do, if we would like temporary pussy to become permanent - or at least regular. But if you're Colin Farrell, the poontang parade is every bit as unbroken as his eyebrows.
Learning to properly satisfy woman is hard fucking working work. It often takes years of study and experiment. Trial and error, blood, sweat and tears are all frequently involved. Why put yourself through that if you don't have to? And if you're attractive, guess what? You don't. You can't lose when the next piece of ass is just around the corner, now can you?
But that's not what you folks love most about me, now is it? No, you love me because I'm such an "up with people" breed of cat.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Better By: Guns N' Roses From: Chinese Democracy (Amatuer video made with leaked track)
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