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Monday, August 07, 2006
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THE SINGLE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN
I've seen some pretty goddamn cool things in my day. There's really no disputing that. But there are some things that are so perfect, so special that you immediately know beyond any doubt that they'll remain in your memory forever. Everything subsequent to that will be gauged against that one perfect thing you witnessed.
Most people feel this when they see their children being born, but that just makes most people stupid. I hate to be the bearer of bad news here, but shitting out a kid doesn't make you all that special. Promolgating the species is something that most folks will do at one time or another at some point in their lives. While I respect your ability to tolerate something stretching and tearing at your crotch for 24 hours, that's about as far as I'll go.
Despite my abundance of self-esteem, I don't feel that I'm all that intelligent. My readers might be shocked to hear this, but the people who know me personally won't; I'm a really dopey guy. Okay, I'll be completely honest for once ... I'm borderline retarded.
This explains why I so love being with actual retarded people. I can relate to them, and for a short time, I can feel like the "smart Beatle." I can't begin to explain what being John for a day means when you've lived a lifetime of Ringo. I actually weep tears of joy whenever that sensation washes over me. I know it's shallow, but it's the only joy that life allows me and a big part of the reason that I've wanted to kill myself since I was three. As much as I try to smile through the day, deep down, I know that my giant cock has carried me about as far through life as it can.
In my first year of high school, I attended a school that had a program for Down's Syndrome students. Whenever possible, the school administration tried to integrate some of them into regular classes, so I got to see them all up close and personal-like.
I didn't learn much of anything that year, but I did learn something very important. I learned that these kids were the happiest people I had ever seen. It was almost as if they weren't smart enough to know just how intensely life sucks. There was also none of evil so common among people with I.Qs over 70 to be found in them. I kid you not, I was jealous of those kids. I still am, actually. Were it not for those 5 extra points on my I.Q test, I'd be one them and just as happy as can be. Have I ever mentioned that I'm cursed?
So whenever I find anything that involves retarded kids, I'm there. Retarded kids are one of the very few things in life that are at once sad, creep, funny and endearing. The only other thing I can think of at the moment that meets that description is the Bush Administration's foreign policy. Oh, and their budgets, too, I suppose.
For most of the last twenty years, I innocently assumed that developmental infirmity alone was enough to make something good great. I had never considered throwing menstruation into the mix, with all of the good and grand places that that particularly wonderful combination could lead. Like I said, I'm not all that bright.
That's why I'm eternally grateful to all of the other wonderful sites in the magnificent blogosphere for educating and entertaining me. In this case, it was One D at a Time (which I would be careful reading from work. From time to time, she posts photographs of the penises of guys in emo bands.) On that fine blog, I found the post "From the Space Between My Legs," and in that post I found what can only be described as the Ultimate Video.
This, my friends, is what what film was created for. Sure, some people think that moving pictures were invented so that we can learn more about the world around us and, therefore, ourselves. You know, dopey shit like the moon landing and other such nonsense.
No, film was created so that we could all learn how a 1970's - vintage family explained periods to their possibly Down's afflicted daughter. This is why film was created. For no other reason.
This might be the single creepiest family you'll ever see in your lives. Nothing approaches this, teenagers. I'm completely convinced that the Manson Family sounded more normal than this on their worst day. Watching Jill's face as menstruation is explained to her is absolutely fucking priceless, especially when dear old dad - who knows way too much about the proper way to dispose of a sanitary pad for my taste - gets involved. I was half expecting the girl to look up at her pappy and ask "But Dad, how I can I trust anything that bleeds from the Opening Between Their Legs for three or four days and doesn't die?"
That's right, folks, every single member of the family gets to use the phrase "blood from inside my body comes out from the opening between my legs" at least four times. Well, except for dad. He doesn't say it in the first person ... because that would be creepy.
I think - no, I insist that everyone watch this video over and over again. It only gets better with repeated viewings. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll probably lose bladder control. Most importantly, you'll never forget how the blood inside your body comes out through the Opening Between Your Legs.
And if you have kids of your own, you'll want to torture them with it, too. Moreso if the kids are in their twenties. I guarantee that it'll bring your family closer together, just as it has mine.
Editor's Note: I'd like to thank One D at a Time once again for making today, Monday August 7, 2006 the Greatest Christmas Ever!
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Bleeding All Over The Place By: Randy Newman From: Guilty: 30 Years of Randy Newman
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