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Thursday, August 17, 2006


SORRY SEEMS TO BE THE HARDEST WORD

If Enjoy Every Sandwich has been about anything over the years, its been my obsessive love with media freakshows. If anything, I'm far worse in real life. The O.J Simpson case and the impeachment of President Clinton are still topics of discussion in my daily life. And I'll think we'll all be better off if we don't bring up Marv Albert.

Somtimes, however, my enthusiasm gets the better of me and I forget the important lesson Ray Donovan taught us all.

Mr. Donovan was President Reagan's first Secretary of Labor. After leaving office in 1985, he was indicted for larceny and fraud in connection with his official duties. Two years later, he was aquitted of all charges. Upon leaving the courthouse, Donovan famously asked "Where do I go to get my reputation back?"

As a general rule, I distrust cops and prosecutors - particularly elected prosecutors. I distrust them not because they're necessarily bad people. I distrust them because they're just like you and me. Just as you and I will cut corners at their jobs from time to time, so do they. The difference is the consequences. You and I don't threaten peoples lives and liberty. The justice system does.

For that reason, you really don't want to be on a jury with me. I'm a very hard man when it comes to punishing the guilty. I'm not opposed to drawing and quartering. But I had better be well and truly satisfied that someone's guilty before the long knives come out.

When I got home tonight, I was reminded why I feel that way.

A former schoolteacher was arrested Wednesday in Thailand in the slaying of 6-year-old beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey - a surprise breakthrough in a lurid, decade-old murder mystery that had cast a cloud of suspicion over her parents.

Federal officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, identified the suspect as John Mark Karr, a 42-year-old American, and one law enforcement official told The Associated Press that Boulder police had tracked him down online.

(...)

JonBenet was found beaten and strangled in the basement of the family's home in Boulder on Dec. 26, 1996. Patsy Ramsey reported finding a ransom note in the house demanding $118,000 for her daughter.

The image of blonde-haired little JonBenet in a cowgirl costume and other beauty pageant outfits has haunted TV talk shows ever since, helping feed myriad theories about her killer, and the case became one of the most sensational unsolved murder cases in the nation.

Over the years, some experts suggested that investigators had botched the case so thoroughly that it might never be solved.

Investigators at one point said JonBenet's parents were under an "umbrella of suspicion" in the slaying. And some news accounts cast suspicion on JonBenet's older brother. But the Ramseys insisted an intruder killed their daughter, and no one was ever charged.


To say that I had my share of problems with the sensationalism of the JonBenet case is a massive understatement. This is going to go sound like a cold thing to say, but children get murdered every day. But not all murdered children are equal before the media. The same week that JonBenet died, an 11-year-old black girl in the Cabrini-Green projects of Chicago was beaten, gang-raped and thrown out of an 11th floor window like garbage. Does anyone remember her name? I'm ashamed to admit that I don't.

But a virtual cottage industry based on the Ramsey case has thrived for nearly a decade. Why? Because she was a pretty, white girl with rich parents and a nice house. Also there were dozens of pictures of the six-year-old victim in skimpy clothes and heavy make-up. The whole spectacle struck me as the most odious kind of pornography. It was kiddie murder porn, and whoever doesn't believe that is either a liar or a fool. Watching people like Larry King and Geraldo Rivera pimping out tht little girl's corpse for ratings was prhaps even more nauesating than the murder itself.

On the other hand, that didn't stop me from commenting on it. Indeed, I even wrote about it on Christmas Day, 2003 (But I had no Permalinks then, so you'll have to scroll down to see the original.)

This is what I wrote two-and-half years ago;

Some people should really shut the fuck up and be thankful that they're not serving prison terms for murder and obstruction of justice this holiday season. You fucking people got away with MURDER! Granted, you should be thrilled about this, but please have the good taste to be privately thrilled. Christ, Even O.J isn't as ballsy as you fucking people. Everybody knew he was kidding when he "wrote" "I Want to Tell You" (which, sadly, didn't stop me from buying "I Want to Tell You.") But you two actually tried to be serious with that cauldron of lies, "The Death of Innocence."

Lets get serious, okay John and Patsy. One of you killed your daughter or you know who did. This makes you swine. But to file lawsuits on the anniversary of her murder is obscene. Had you not have murdered her, JonBenet would be 13 years old today. You have no idea just how lucky you are that you killed her in Colorado, which is shockingly short on mayhem and therefore has police departments disturbingly similar to the one found on "the Simpsons."

But this seven-year victory lap is in amazingly bad taste, even for human garbage like you. Will you please, finally just exhume the little girl's corpse, run it across a football field and spike it in the end zone so you can do your stupid little dance and go the fuck away already!

God, humanity sickens me.

As I mentioned earlier, I forgot the Raymond Donovan Rule.


Today I learned that I - and pretty much everyone else on Earth - was wrong. I could point out that the Ramseys went out of their way to look guilty, but that would be tasteless and beside the point. All of us were wrong and that destroyed an innocent family forever. Jackals like Geraldo and Nancy Grace would starve to death if we weren't buying what they're selling.

The most horrifying thing about re-reading that one post I wrote about the Ramseys was seeing the title. I wasn't going to include it here, but I should. I called that post "MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS or WHY CAN'T THE RAMSEY FAMILY DIE A HORRIBLE GROUP DEATH?"

When I saw that a few minutes ago, I felt almost physically dirty. This is especially true because Patsy Ramsey died of ovarian cancer just seven weeks ago. If you can imagine what it must be like to go to the grave knowing that the world believes you were involved in your child's murder, then you have greater creative prowess than I. I'm not often ashamed of something I've written, but I'm ashamed of that.

Patsy Ramsey is past getting her reputation back and having lost two daugters and his wife, I shouldn't think that reputation is high on John's priority list.

I get some hits from both Colorado and Atlanta. I doubt that anyone connected to the Ramsey family will ever read this, but if they do, I'd just like to express how truly sorry I am for my small part in their family's pain. I wrote about them is truly ugly ways in public and I want to apologize in public.

It only seems like the right thing to do.

Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word By: Joe Cocker From: Two Rooms: Celebrating the Songs of Elton John and Bernie Taupin

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