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Sunday, January 15, 2012
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 A lot of LIberals are speaking out against Bob Rae's apparent move to secure the permanent leadership of the Liberal Party of Canada. Of course, it goes without saying that a lot of Liberals are very stupid, which is why they're Liberals in the first place.
Those people are also the reason that the LPC is on its deathbed today. Unlike most political observers, I'm willing to state the obvious and say that it's incredibly unlikely that the Grits will ever hold government again. I think it far more likely that
they'll be swallowed whole by the New Democratic Party in five years. And I believe it likely that the Liberals will destroy that party as well.
This is because Liberals love nothing more than going to war with one another. At this point, they love it more than winning elections. The party has been fighting their retarded leadership wars since 1975 and is divided into two factions: the Trudeau-Chretien-Rae wing and the Turner-Martin-Ignatieff wing. And each faction has acted as suicide bombers against the other for almost the entire time.
Granted, this didn't stop them from running the country. But that's only because conservatives were such an unmitigated goddamned mess most of the time. And when even a semi-competent Conservative leader appeared, the Liberals lost to him every time. They were beaten by three very different Conservatives; Joe Clark, Brian Mulroney and Stephen Harper. The numbers show that it was only a divided conservative movement that allowed Jean Chretien to become prime minister at all. When the movement unified under Harper, the Grits were first reduced to a minority, removed from power altogether, and finally robbed even of their Official Opposition status.
The LPC is the most overrated political force anywhere in my lifetime. For at least forty years, they've only won when their opponents are so disorganized and dumb that they can't be trusted to run a profitable rub and tug, let alone a major industrial nation. And even under ideal circumstances, their own infighting does them in, as we've seen over the last decade.
Here's the thing. If I was a Conservative Party supporter (which I'm not. I last voted for the federal Progressive Conservatives in 2000, after voting Reform in '93 and '97), I'd be afraid of facing Bob Rae in a federal election.
Rae is easily the smartest and most experienced viable candidate in the party today. In a party of lifetime politicos, academics and bureaucrats, Rae is also the only person in the LPC who has ever run anything before.
Which brings us to Rae's time as Ontario's NDP premier, which the anti-Rae forces feel is disqualifying. That's a record that can and should be examined, if only because times have changed so much that it might actually work in Rae's favour during a campaign.
(For the record, I voted against Rae twice in Ontario, casting ballots for Progressive Conservative Mike Harris in 1990 and '95. After the 1999 campaign, I've voted exclusively for minor parties and independents provincially.)
Rae, as even he will tell you, was an accidental premier. He was elected because David Peterson's almost awesome arrogance - fighting no fewer than three elections in a single five-year mandate - finally blew him up, and the fact that Mike Harris had been leader for less than a year and no one knew who he was.
He was a socialist who was elected at the beginning of a worldwide recession, so he governed predictably, trying to spend his way out bad economic times. In the process, he created what was then record deficits.
But then Rae did something very unpredictable. He attacked those deficits and in the process destroyed his own political base. Instead of passing massive tax increases, which you would expect from an NDP government, he instituted austerity on the heavily unionized provincial civil service. That, you might have noticed, is conservative orthodoxy today. Indeed, the widely-hated Rae Days remain well to the right of what Republican governors like Scott Walker and John Kasich have attempting in the United States over the last two years. Walker and Kasich, like Paul Ryan in Washington, are trying things that won't produce savings for a minimum of fifteen years. Rae Days inflicted immediate pain on the bureaucracy and went a fair way in reducing the deficit.
I've spent that last five years trying to figure out exactly how the Harper Conservatives (or Harper's probable successor, Jason Kenney) runs against Rae. And I've got to tell you, I'm fucking stumped.
Bob Rae isn't a political novice, like Stephane Dion and Michael Ignatieff were. Indeed, he's been running bigger campaigns for longer than anyone currently in the Conservative Party. He also survived the Liberal Armageddon of last May, which few other national party figures managed to. That alone makes makes Rae a formidable opponent in ways that no other Liberal is. He understands what it is to run a major campaign, having done so four times in Canada's largest province.
Then there's his Ontario record, which is heavily mitigated by the way politics has changed over the seventeen years since Rae was ejected from Queen's Park. The Harris-Eves Conservatives left office with a fairly large deficit, and the current Liberal premier, Dalton McGuinty, has racked up deficits that dwarf Rae's. And the Harper Conservatives have pissed away money at a rate that would impress even Pierre Trudeau.
Yes, the Tories will almost certainly dive-bomb Rae with millions of dollars of negative advertising demagouging his record at Quuen's Park, which a broke and demoralized Liberal Party will be unable to counter. It worked maginificently against Dion and Ignatieff, so there's no reason that they won't go to that well again.
But at some point, the Tories are going to have to debate him on national television. And that's dangerous for them. Rae is smarter, a more experienced politician and a better speaker than Harper is. And if Harper leaves office before 2015 (which I think is a distinct possibility), Rae will almost certainly face Jason Kenney, who is a ward-heeling retard that only got where he is today by stealing the disgusting concept of identity politics from the fucking Liberals.
One can reasonably expect Harper or Kenney to start a debate by immediately attacking Rae's by then twenty year old deficits. If I was Bob Rae, my first answer would be "Yes, I was socialist who governed during a deep recession in the early 1990s, so I did what socialists are expected to do. Sir, what is your excuse for spending a $13 billion surplus on nothing and creating deficits that made mine look frugal by comparison?" That alone will be devastating because there is no plausible answer to it.
Then one can expect the attack on Rae Days. That's problematic in so far as if the Tories are even halfway serious about their deficit reduction plan - which they say will not include a tax increase - they'll have to do something that looks a lot like Rae Days, if not actually be more draconian. Remember, Harper pledged to reduce spending only down to 2009 levels, when the country was already in deficit and spending was at a high. If the Conservatives bar themselves from raising revenue and continue to use the tax code to buy themselves votes, the civil service is the only place left to save money. As a very smart guy, I expect that Bob will rattle off the facts and figures and look very credible doing it.
Also, by 2015 the Tories will have been in office for nine years, the standard exhaustion point for a government. Both Mulroney and Chretien were done at that point, and Trudeau was doing everything he could to postpone the election that would ultimately lead to his defeat. I think that Stephen Harper knows the history well enough to get the fuck out of Dodge and make some money before the next election, leaving a half-wit like Kenney as a sacrificial lamb that serves only to burnish his his own legacy, much like Mulroney did with Kim Campbell.
If the Liberals could mange to stop being Liberals for three whole years, I think that Bob Rae has an even chance of beating Harper, and could almost sexually humiliate Jason Kenney, even with a bankrupt and demoralized party. If Thomas Muclair wins the NDP leadership and takes Quebec off of the table for the Grits and Tories, I think that Rae could form at least a minority government. If the NDP falls apart, and Rae manages to keep Denis Coderre in line, the Grits could possibly win as many as forty Quebec seats and govern with a majority.
But the Liberals can't stop being Liberals for three whole minutes, let alone three whole years. As you're already seeing, there are factions of anti-Rae chuckleheaded strategists, bloggers and media types that are determined to pound the final nail in the Liberal Party's coffin if they can't have the Liberal Party all to themselves.
They don't care that Bob Rae is probably the only candidate that can work with the party machinery that the Libeals actually have, as opposed to what they wish they had. Instead of showing the kind of political discipline the Conservatives have always had in getting behind their leader, the Grits are flirting with an idiotic American-style primary system that will make getting behind the leader almost impossible, given that party's history.
Bob Rae has the best chance of any Liberal of beating a unified Conservative Party since Trudeau. But he can't do that if he has to spend his time as Opposition leader and a federal election candidate watching his own back.
Rae is alone as a Liberal who can beat the Tories, but the Liberal Party is incapable of unity, which is why the 2015 election will almost certainly be their last. If they give the leadership to another amatuer that loses even more seats in the interest of keeping Rae's critics happy, they won't survive it. Labels: Fear and Loathing at Quuen's Park, Fun With Politics, O Canada, Rae of Light, Retarded Bloggers and Media Types, Ruination With Sephen Harper
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Sunday, June 22, 2008
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 "DESTROY ANOTHER FETUS NOW, WE DON'T LIKE CHILDREN ANYHOW"
I'd like to describe myself as "pro-choice when it comes to abortion, but I'm not a coward. I'm not afraid to say what I'm for, and that happens to be abortion.
No one would describe themselves as being "pro-choice" on, say, civil rights. When was the last time you heard someone say "You know, it would be really nice if black people could vote without being lynched. Y'know, unless white people don't want that?"
No one is "pro-choice" on guns. You either have that right or you don't. Period. The same is true of abortion. If you believe in it, you're not "pro-choice," you're pro-abortion. And if liberals weren't such snivelling little assholes, they'd be proud to say so. When it comes to the rights of the people, there really is no "choice" involved. You either have a right, or you don't.
It might not seem like it, but I actually do respect "pro-life" voices. The problem is that most of them are the same kind of cowards that the "pro-choice" idiots are. If you believe that abortion is the murder of another human being, you do not make exceptions for "rape, murder or the life of the mother." If you believe that there are certain classes of expendable human life, then you're no better than a fucking Nazi.
Abortion is not a morally incrementalist argument. It's either murder or it isn't. A fetus is either human life, or it isn't. The only truly immoral voices in the debate are those of the vast middle, the "choice" believers on the left and the "exceptionalists" on the right. What they seek to do is, pardon the pun, split the baby.
I disagree with pro-life absolutists with every fibre of my being, but I can at least respect them for being honest. I can't say that for everyone else who isn't me. If you argue that "rape, incest and the life of the mother" are incremental steps in banning abortion outright, you might be the most immoral people of all. You are, by your own definition, willing to sacrifice innocent life for decades until you achieve some far away goal. Those terrorist assholes who bomb abortion clinics are more morally honest than you are, and you should be ashamed of yourselves for even suggesting that in public.
I happen to believe that if you can't prove that a fetus is human life beyond any legally definable doubt, then you should cede the choice of what to do with that mass of cells that will someday drop out of college to the person carrying them in their bloated bellies. That's just how I roll.
I have a very difficult time reconciling the belief that "the right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects ... shall not be violated, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation" has any exceptions. If anything, the freedom of a woman's uterus from government interference is much more important than, say, your collection of sawed-off shotguns and Internet porn. My position on abortion rests on the foundation of security of the person, particularly the one that everyone can actually agree is a person. Without the security of the person, all other rights are essentially meaningless.
If I have a problem with Roe v. Wade, it is that Justice Blackmun's reasoning is almost incomprehensible. If I were to write that decision, it would be all of two sentences long. It would read "The Second, Third, Fourth, Fifth and Ninth Amendments to the Constitution, taken as a whole, clearly establish a right to personal privacy. Fucking deal with it."
Even as strident a pro-life voice as Justice Antonin Scalia has said that there is nothing in the Constitution that prohibits abortion. Whenever I see a doubt as to what the Constitution says, I feel compelled to side with the individual over the state, which the Ninth Amendment does, too.
Instead, Blackmun wrote an incredibly muddled opinion that has only served to make the United States the political laughingstock of the world. Even the people of a backward country like Ireland, that bans abortion totally, laugh their asses off watching American politicians obsess over an issue than effects a grand total of one (depending on your definition of "life") person.
Widely ignored is the fact that Roe was the least important of two abortion decisions from the 1973 term. The real ground breaker was Doe v. Bolton. Even if Roe was overturned, it wouldn't affect Doe, which established access to abortion.
As a Canadian, none of that matters to me particularly. Canada is alone in the industrialized world in having no abortion law whatsoever. This was a consequence of Dr. Henry Morgentaler, Dr. Leslie Frank Smoling and Dr. Robert Scott v. Her Majesty The Queen, in which the Court found that the federal law violated the "security of the person" provision of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms.
After Morgentaler, there was almost no constitutional foundation upon which to write a new, restrictive law. Also, the politics were horrible. Just mentioning abortion in the context of an election campaign is a good way for a political party to get dead fast.
It should be noted that unlike the United States, all criminal law is by definition, the jurisdiction of the federal government under the Criminal Code of Canada. One of the most important parts of Morgentaler v. Her Majesty, the Queen was the finding the provinces cannot pass abortion laws on their own.
Amazingly, Canada has been an abortion law-free kingdom of tranquility and happiness ever since.
Of course, that doesn't stop the jackals in the goddamn liberal media from polling us on abortion.
The poll by Angus-Reid - a firm that I have found to be traditionally unreliable - finds that 91% of Canadian support abortion rights to one degree or another. That isn't hugely surprising. What does shock me is what happens to the numbers when you add public funding to the equation.
When it comes to funding abortions, though, there is not the same level of support.
The same poll found 44% of respondents thought the public purse should only pay for abortions that were medical emergencies.
Four percent think the health-care system should never fund abortions.
Egan said the numbers surprised her, but that they may not truly reflect people's thoughts on the issue.
She said many younger women, low-income women and women from rural areas could not afford abortions if they had to pay for them themselves, and so if the public system didn't pay for their procedures, it would amount to discrimination. Firstly, the Canada Heath Act (socialized medicine to my American readers) doesn't, despite the best efforts of a bunch of liberal cocksuckers, doesn't deny treatment for maladies incurred by bad behaviour. Those leftist assholes would love to deny me coverage for my eventual cancer and heart disease because I love smoking more than anything in the world.
Furthermore, the taxes I pay on my cigarettes are, according to my government, supporting the fucking system in the first place. As I remember it, that's the justification for tobacco taxes in the first place. Should I demand that those taxes only pay the costs of smoking-related illness? How would all of Canada's remaining stupid motherfuckers react to that?
And what about all of those fatasses out there. McDonald's kills almost as many people as Imperial Tobacco does! Why are those sloppy, sweaty fuckers getting off so easily?
What said leftist assholes overlook is that most health maladies are the result of bad behaviour. When I first had this argument with a professor in college, I used the example of HIV/AIDS, perhaps the most preventable disease in North America after 1984. That didn't go over very well because liberals don't want to say that anything bad that happens to homosexuals might be a result of behaviour.
Making moral distinctions regarding care under a universal health care system would indeed be discriminatory. If you won't pay for a woman's abortion, why should I pay for her retard kid? Abortion is a one time payment of about three hundred bucks. Retards cost a fortune over their lifetime in health care benefits. That's to say nothing about the cost of their education. Them floppy-headed fuckers are expensive, and as a fiscal conservative, I object to footing the bill when an alternative exists.
Like it or not, Canadians have decided that health care is a right. Through our courts, we have also decided that abortion is a right. Furthermore, anything that involves sticking things into a woman's uterus that isn't me is by definition a health-related matter.
If nothing else, abortion and emphysema are at least fun-related conditions. Someone had a good time getting that way. But the 50% of you assholes who are body-surfing your way to Type 2 diabetes on a wave of fucking cheeseburgers and pancakes stuffed with chocolate and peanut butter are the last people who should bitch about funding abortions with your precious health care dollars.
Yet you fat, moralistic motherfuckers are going to be the first ones in my wallet when you have your fucking feet cut off, aren't you?
Let me get this straight, my tax dollars are only supposed to encourage certain kinds of behaviour and not others? Encouraging a girl to be a filthy little whore who needs it bareback is wrong because it costs a few hundred bucks, but holding a parade for you assholes who eat an entire pig for dessert because the fucking cow wasn't filling enough is right because you have a glandular problem is compassionate?
If that's true, fuck you and fuck Canada. I hope the goddamn terrorists win. At least they'll be more honest than you are.
Everybody in this fucking country is an asshole but me.
Thank you for your attention.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: The Future By: Leonard Cohen From: The Future
PermalinkLabels: I Fought The Law, Journalists Are Swine, O Canada, The Department of Professional Outrage
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Thursday, June 19, 2008
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 DIAMONDS ARE A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND, STEPHANE DION TAXES CARBON
I've been studying politics like the sexless geek that I am for well over twenty years now. And if I've learned anything, it is that if you're a candidate whose leadership ability has been questioned for 18 solid months, you should come out of nowhere and announce that you're going to tax one of the very building blocks of life. That almost always works. But be sure that you don't say anything specific about your new tax on all things animal, vegetable and mineral other than you'll implement it. Much better that your opposition can define you for months on end when you could be defining yourself. Better still if the only person willing to support you in public is Jason Cherniak.That's all you really need to know about politics and, fortunately, that's all Stephane Dion knows. He's performing about as well as you would expect a guy who became leader of the Liberal Party of Canada by accident would. Since his ascension he has resisted repeated opportunities to bring down a government he himself has said is destroying Canada and waited for the perfect issue on which to campaign. And it turns out to be one that he explicitly rejected during the leadership campaign. New taxes, as you might imagine, are not usually something that politicians promise during a campaign. They tend to be something that are lied about, usually prefacing the term with the word "no." This is either the craziest fucking thing that I've ever heard or Dion has learned a magical new secret about how the electorate thinks. The plan started leaking on Wednesday and Dion is set to outline it in public today. To be fair, Dion's policy is actually being touted as a "tax shift." This will involve taxes being levied on carbon-based pollutants while income taxes are reduced. In theory, this makes the plan "revenue neutral," something that Canadians are supposed to cherish.
The problem is that taxes are never revenue neutral. It just doesn't happen that way. One can suppose that would be double true when the tax supposedly has a moral purpose such as saving the universe. Politicians are impatient and the public is stupid, so if the tax is implemented and Saskatchewan doesn't become Eden in the first six months, you can rest assured that the tax will become increasingly aggressive.
Furthermore, Canada is such a small country and our percentage of the world's carbon emissions is so insignificant that all 33 million of us could live the life of the Amish and it would do virtually nothing to stop global warming. Even the Bush administration, which created an energy task force comprised entirely of oil executives, is doing better at meeting Kyoto targets (which they didn't even ratify) than is Canada.
Then there's the issue of climate. You might not know this, but Canada gets awfully cold in the winter. And the winter lasts well into July. Home heating oil and natural gas are primary targets of the tax "shift." Not everyone makes enough to pay federal income taxes, but everyone does share the biological imperative to avoid freezing to death. Not only does the carbon shift expand the tax base, it does so in the most regressive way imaginable.
Yes, the Dion plan does call for credits for lower income Canadians, but those can be fleeting. Back in the 90s, when the Liberals learned that running an economy through massive deficits and carrying horrific debt loads, subsidies and tax credits are usually the first thing to go. Under Chretien even health care transfers to the provinces took a significant hit. If the economy goes into recession, which is happening even as we speak, the government is not going to start throwing money around.
Then there is the inflationary effect of the tax shift. Did you know that a chicken, for example, doesn't walk onto your plate and commit suicide? There are several, carbon intensive steps, involved in getting it there. Each one of those steps is about to become markedly more expensive if the Liberals get their way, and those costs will be passed on to you, the consumer.
Anyone who doesn't know what inflation in a recession looks like should study the 1970s. Not only does it cause extreme economic pain, wipe out your savings, and cost you your job, it makes you dress funny. Implementing this tax at the best of times would be inflationary in the extreme, doing it during a recession will be economic suicide. Furthermore, the costs of restructuring the entire tax code to accommodate Dion's pledge might be enough to put the government back into deficit.
Then there's the matter of doing this when gas prices are so high. As much as Americans like to bitch about that, they're paying the lowest price to the gallon of any country outside of OPEC. While US prices are averaging about four dollars a gallon, Canadians are paying over five.
While Liberal spinsters like Mr. Cherniak are saying that gasoline will be exempt, the leaks of the plan don't say that at all. What it calls for is "moratorium on new federal taxes on aviation and diesel fuel for the first year." The problem is that gasoline prices are dictated by the price of oil, from which both aviation, diesel and gasoline all come. I'm not at all sure that you can raise the price of some and not others.
This of course, calls into question the purpose of government. If you're of liberal leanings, this is the ideal tax for you. Not only will you still have your income taxes, the GST and provincial sales taxes, you'll get the Liberals behaviour modification tax as well. You'll be ever so happy if you believe in the power of the government to make life better.
I don't happen share that belief in government. I'm of the mind that the federal government should be limited to paving roads and killing foreigners, two things that it isn't particularly good at. Most Canadians are shocked when the government can shovel snow in less than a week, but now we're expected to believe that it can actually save the world?
Then there's the electoral politics of this, and I've never seen anything handled so disastrously. Dion started musing about carbon taxes months ago but refused to give ant details. This has allowed the Conservatives to define the plan for him and not in the ways that he'd prefer. And most Liberals are just dishonest, not stupid. They have been the government for most of the last century and are the most successful political party in the history of western democracy. They understand how elections work and they understand that no one is going to vote for a giant new tax, shifted or otherwise. This has understandably caused all manner of discontent within the Liberal caucus.
This is not a revenue neutral tax in the way that literate adults understand the term. Not only is it extraordinarily inflationary, it moves Canada away from the principle of progressive taxation and toward a system that rewards or punishes behaviour. The problem is that the poorer you are the fewer options you have regarding your behaviour. Worse still, if you subsidize the bad behaviour of poorer Canadians, you defeat the stated purpose of the plan.
Even if this plan were the greatest thing ever, it is almost impossible to properly explain the context of a thirty second commercial or a ninety second debate answer. And unfortunately for Stephane Dion, those are the only things that voters pay attention to. All Stephen Harper is going to need to say is "Yes, climate change is important, but so is the cost of feeding your family. If you think that you aren't paying enough, I encourage you to vote for my opponent. However, if you think that you're paying too much, you should trust the Conservative Party to manage our fuel crisis and stop inflation before it starts."
And then Stephane Dion will be destroyed.
I don't know what it is about Dion, but he seems determined to make every day Christmas for Stephen Harper.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Fall on Me By: R.E.M From: Life's Rich Pageant
PermalinkLabels: Fun With Politics, O Canada, Retard Cage Match of the Doomed Redux
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Sunday, June 15, 2008
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 HEY LOOK, TITS!: COUILLARD CONTINUES TO CAPTIVATE CANADA
Everybody loves a great set of knockers and the Parliament of Canada is no different. Fine tits have a way of speaking to a man in a secret language that you need a penis to understand. And like the rest of us, The Liberals, New Democrats and the Bloc Quebecois want Julie Couillard's tits to talk to them.
It's been a big week for Mademoiselle Couillard's formidable funbags. First, they brought down yet another senior Conservative that it turned was close to them. Then, the inept leader of the Official Opposition publicly mused that they might be the perfectly shaped instruments by which organized crime could infiltrate the Canadian government. Those are pretty powerful mammeries.
Canadian women from sea to shining sea are of course outraged. After all, none of their boobies get the kind of attention that Julie's are getting, and there aren't very many broads out there who captures the attention of a sexy guy like Stephane Dion, Gilles Duceppe or Jack Layton.
The week started out with a busty bang as the Minister of Public Works, Senator Michael Fortier shitcanned his senior Quebec advisor for bumping uglies with Julie just before Maxime Bernier hopped on.
"Mr. Bernard Côté failed to inform me that while he was in a personal relationship with Julie Couillard, at the same time she was also vying for government business for Kevlar and raised it with Mr. Côté," he said. "Mr. Côté should have recused himself of having any dealings with the matter at hand, which he unfortunately didn't."
Fortier said Côté offered his resignation "and I accepted it." First Bernier, now Cote. You know that when you see a piece of ass that ruins two careers in a month, that it's probably worth it. But those magnificent mammaries might also be instruments of evil, the Liberal Party of Canada warns us.
- There are compelling security reasons to investigate whether the federal government is being targeted by organized crime, Liberals said yesterday amid news the Julie Couillard affair has claimed another senior Conservative casualty.
"There is the possibility that organized crime is trying to infiltrate the government," Liberal Leader Stephane Dion told reporters.
"I'm not saying it's what happened. But certainly all the experts of security who have spoken (say) ... this is the pattern that you need to check."  Now any of you who know about biker gangs know that they're so ... subtle. Everyone who's seen The Wild One knows that. If you know a Hells Angel, you'll know that he excells at three things; anarchy, getting his red wings, and stealthily infiltrating the governments of G8 nations.
There's something you need to know about politicians. Sometimes it seems like they're actually speaking English. In fact, it is a stealthy facsimile of the Queen's tongue.
Indeed, the meaning, of what they say is often the opposite of what you would usually associate those words with. When President Bush said "I haven't made any decision about going to war with Iraq," he actually means "I'm going to war with Iraq on Tuesday night." When Stephane Dion says "I'm not saying it's what happened," he means "That's precisely what happened." And when Dion's deputy Michael Ignatieff says "I don’t care about her skirts, I don’t care about her cleavage," he actually means to say "I am a homosexual."
And now there are hearings regarding Madame Couillard and her beautiful breasts by the Commons Public Safety Committee. Our girl Julie is expected to appear this week. If my American readers remember how much fun the Clarence Thomas / Anita Hill hearings were in 1990, imagine how much more fun they would've been if Anita Hill was smoking fucking hot and pulled a train of bikers and senior Republican figures.
There are serious questions to be asked of Julie and the committee expects answers. For example, is she completely shaved like all women should be? Does she like anal sex or does she love it? Is she dating now?
The hearings will continue endlessly and eventually Julie's nipples will get hard and Canadian society will rapidly disintegrate. And if Ujjal Dosanjh can keep his hands out of his lap during M. Couillard's testimony, he's a better man than I am. If it's wrong to question a witness before a parliamentary committee whilst masturbating furiously is wrong, then I just don't want to be right.
However, if we've learned one thing from l'affaire Bernier, it would be that journalists love writing about tits. They can't get enough of it, and the Canadian people can't stop reading about it. Last week it was the turn of the National Post to make breasts no fun at all.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: The Bad Touch By: The Bloodhound Gang From: Hooray for Boobies
PermalinkLabels: Fun With Politics, O Canada, The Department of Professional Outrage
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Monday, May 26, 2008
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 BERNIER'S BAD DAY
I slept in this morning and then masturbated three times before having a couple of perfectly barbequed hamburgers and going to work. And work was almost placid, very quiet with none of the usual mutants bothering me. All in all, it was good day.
You know what the opposite of my day would be? Maxime Bernier's day. His day kinda sucked.
Maxime probably woke up to read that his former , Hells Angels-approved piece of ass was on Quebec TV last night, bitching about what a horror her life had become. And that's important to remember, because Julie Couillard's ex-husband was facing a very long jail sentence before he flipped and became a Crown witness. If fucking Maxime Bernier had a worse fallout than that, you can be pretty sure that he was a lousy lay. And he got to hear about it on TV and read it in the paper.
Meanwhile, I was repeatedly and ferociously masturbating thinking of a three-way with my perfect Zombiegirl and Julie Couillard. If you absolutely must know, they were both rubbing my teeny schvantz between their glorious knockers. I'm pretty sure dreams can come true. Tony Robbins wouldn't lie to me, would he?
As I was throttling my putz into submission, Maxime probably arrived at the office and learned that his life had taken a decided turn for the worse.
You see, as soon as Couillard story broke earlier this month, the Liberals and the Bloc Quebecois started screaming that she was a "security risk." I, like right-thinking gentlemen across Canada, assumed that this is because the Bloc and Liberal caucuses are exclusively populated by homosexuals. Also, everyone who votes for the Liberals or the Bloc is also a homo and loves the cock.
 As it happens, all of Canada's right-thinking gentlemen and I may have been mistaken. It turns out that she sort of was a security risk. Or rather, Maxime's stupidity was a security risk.
You see, our boy Maxime left sensitive - and very probably classified - documents relating to the recent NATO summit in Bucharest laying about in Julie's place. Then he actually left them there for an unknown period of time. So he had to quit his job.
Far be it from me to cast the first stone in a matter like this. God knows that after getting some quality poontang, I'm known for being absent-minded my own self. I forget all kinds of things at the woman's home. These things have been known to include my pants. True story. If you ever wanted to know why I don't get to keep classified documents, now you do.
Oh, and it also came out that Julie ran a company that was bidding on airport security contracts. A lot of fucking busy-bodies are running around screaming that women with classified documents and ties to the Hells Angels shouldn't be involved in airport security. Most of those people are Michael Ignatieff , which doesn't surprise me. Ignatieff wouldn't know what to do with a body like Julie's if it fell out of the fucking sky and landed on his dick.
Ignatieff is still talking about "questions" regarding Madame Couillard and none of those questions are related to important stuff, like her blowjob technique. That's why I've always hated that Harvard cocksucker and always will. And for Foreign Policy magazine to recognize that cur as one of the world's top 100 intellectuals is a travesty and powerful evidence that world is getting awfully fucking stupid.
I'm well-versed enough in politics to understand that this would ordinarily be a big deal. But I'm also well-versed enough in life to know that the dopey rules that the rest of us live by don't apply to hot girls with rock hard bodies. Julie Couillard could spend eight hours a day stuffing babies into a goddamn meat grinder and I'd still nominate her for the Order of Canada. Hopefully, she'd engage in some lesbo fun with Governor General Michaelle Jean in front of the television cameras.
 Yes, Julie Couillard has had numerous associations with the Hells Angels. Yes, she was bidding on an airport security contract, which might give some people pause. Yes, she was in possession of classified material for an undetermined period of time. All of that is true and no one is even bothering to dispute that anymore.
None of it matters because Mademoiselle Couillard has outstanding knockers. That trumps pretty much everything. Or at least it should. Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Waving My Dick in the Wind By: Ween From: The Mollusk Permalink Labels: Fun With Politics, I Fought The Law, O Canada
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Thursday, May 22, 2008
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 "THEY SAY THAT BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO"
Last weekend John McCain was on Saturday Night Live doing a Weekend Update segment on the seemingly endless Democratic primary battle. In the middle of it, the two anchors (who I've never heard of) began arguing. McCain just looks to the side and says "That's right, fight among yourselves" to emphasize the Obama-Clinton split.
That seems to be happening in the Canadian Liberal blogosphere and I think it's the funniest fucking thing in the world. Warren Kinsella and Jason Cherniak are like the Eddie Van Halen and David Lee Roth of people who are wrong. Both of them get about eleventy billion hits and almost never talk about fucking. That of course gets me very upset and insanely jealous.
Cherniak, who spends most of his free time knitting sweaters for Stephane Dion, is a big fan of a proposed carbon tax that the Liberals are dumb enough to build a campaign around. Jason agrees with Dion more than Dion does, which isn't all that hard, actually.
Warren's days are filled with alienating himself from the federal Liberal Party, watching John Tory throw away a perfectly good election and proclaiming himself an electoral genius as a result. But he wants you to know that he's a punk rock guy. Being a middle-aged former chief of staff to a federal minister and a registered lobbyist is all about raging against machines of all descriptions. When not raging against a machine, Warren Kinsella works to further its interests. John Lydon would be so proud.
Anyhow, Kinsella has been saying for weeks that running on a giant new tax is so blinding stupid that anyone should recognize it immediately. Jason suggests that, as a nuanced policy, a carbon tax is just what Canada needs ... even though he and his leader didn't feel that way just three years ago.
One of my favorite things about this blog is when I write that a given policy is stupid. Inevitably, one of my commenters will deftly compose sixteen paragraphs explaining why I am an idiot and the policy is the most wonderful in the history of civilization. They often use large, impressive words with many syllables to do so.
What that does is reinforce my original point. If you can't explain something in a 30 second ad or in a sound-bite, you're fucked. Election campaigns are about reaching out to voters and voters are exceptionally lazy and ignorant. They resent to actually have to go out and learn something and they inevitably punish the politician who insists that they do.
Besides, a candidate's job in politics is to communicate ideas in a brief, yet memorable way. That's where nonsense like "a shining city on a hill" and a "place called hope" comes from. If you go any further than that, voters head to the refrigerator or resume beating their wives. Knowing that might make me incredibly cynical, but it also makes me right.
You might have every perfect argument in the world for a carbon tax, but if you can't communicate them in 30 seconds, all the public is going to hear is "new tax" and they'll vote accordingly. Jason might not like that, but I'm pretty sure that he doesn't like it when it rains on his birthday either. There are just some things in life that you can't change, regardless of how unpleasant they are.
This morning Mr. Cherniak decided to interrupt his virtual saliva-swapping with Mr. Kinsella to educate his readers about their differences on the carbon tax and Kinsella's possible motives for his heresy. All things being equal, it was a rather respectful post. Much more so than mine would have been.
The problem is that Warren doesn't do respectful. The guy is, after all, a punk. He demands total fealty and god help you if you don't give it.
If you disagree with the philosophical basis for hate speech laws, Warren calls you a nazi even though he hates being called that himself. If you e-mail him outlining your differences with him, he publishes your IP address. And he threatens to sue. A lot.
All Jason did was point out that some of Kinsella's professional associations might be a factor in his political positions. That would hardly be unique and probably not even something that would discredit an ordinary blogger's credibility. There are two problems with Warren's situation.
First, he never mentions a potential conflict. If he came right out and said "Look, I have the petroleum association as a client but a carbon tax is still ruthlessly dumb politics," no one would make an issue out of it. Blogging is blogging, and your job is your job.
Second, Mr. Kinsella has a long history of being allergic to full disclosure until it suits his interests. He wrote an anonymous column about Ottawa politics for Eye, yet bitches endlessly about anonymous bloggers and commenters. He rues that they make money from prostitution advertising, but he made sure that he got his share of it. The same is true of his tenure at the National Post, which only became an organ of the KKK when he stopped working for them. Warren seems to be willing to overlook a lot so long as he's getting paid.
Calling Warren on his almost stellar hypocrisy is an invitation to jihad. Whether you are his friend or foe means nothing to him. Christ, this guy goes to war with his former employers on a regular basis.
The response to Jason Cherniak's entirely fair points was classic Warren.
Yeah, that's respectful. Hey, Jason, now that we are including a few thousand people on the conversation, perhaps you can tell me why - when you were lobbying people at my firm and elsewhere to get me to hire you - you weren't so very preoccupied with client lists. Your outrage is selective, I'd say. Among other things.
Wow, that's awfully personal, isn't it? I don't think that I've ever seen someone who calls himself a political professional and actually wrote a book called "Kicking Ass in Canadian Politics" get all fucking hurt and sad like that before. Jason pointed out something that Warren should have mentioned himself and Kinsella responded like he was Jake LaMotta and didn't like the way Jason cooked his fucking steak.
Look, I disagree with pretty much everything Jason Cherinak has ever said. I question his political judgement almost every day and some days I question his very sanity. But I think that he's a pretty good kid. I don't question his motives at all. Warren, on the other hand, is the kind of guy who would attack Hitler only after the war was safely over, as is evidenced by his stands on prostitution advertising and the free speech stance of the National Post.
I don't think that Jason was at all out of line with what he wrote in his post. The fact that Warren didn't point out his own professional connections before making his political position public is a valid point. One sentence would have negated the entire thing. And the fact that Jason might have sought employment with Warren's ridiculous little company is irrelevent.
Even though I'm pretty sure he won't, Mr. Cherniak should respond to Kinsella's jihad in kind. First, it would show a killer instinct that the Liberals haven't shown in a long time. Second, it's always funny watching lawyers engage in a slapfight.
Breaking up is not only hard to do, it's sad to watch. And like most sad things, I enjoy it immensely.
As Senator McCain said last weekend, "That's right, fight among yourselves."
UPDATE, Saturday 24 May 2008: Welcome Daimnation, Blazing Cat Fur and Jay Currie readers. There sure are a shitload of you, aren't there?
I don't get many readers from my home and native land. I'm much bigger in the United States and, oddly enough, Korea, than I am here in Canada. Canadians almost universally hate me. You will, too. Just look around the blog and you'll find something that gets you really angry. Anyhow, thanks for stopping by. Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: You're Gonna Miss Me By: The 13th Floor Elevators From: The Psychedelic World of the 13th Floor Elevators
PermalinkLabels: Big Ups To Bloggers, O Canada
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Saturday, May 10, 2008
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 NOTES ON TRUE LOVE LOST & WHY EVERYBODY IN CANADA IS AN ASSHOLE BUT ME
Most Canadians are pretty fucking stupid, so their dreams are limited to playing professional hockey, being a shithead like Don Cherry, or owning a Tim Hortons franchise. Canadians are a simple people with simple dreams, and I'm frankly shocked that we're a G8 country. If we didn't corner the export market in space arms, oil and comic actors, we'd be worse off than Uganda. We worship Wayne Gretzky as a god and engaged in five months of nationwide cannibalism when "The Beachcombers" was cancelled.
Canada is the kind of country where the strong are eaten and only the weak survive. Were it not for the intrinsic beauty of our reproductive organs, we would have died off as a nation long ago.
If there's anything worse than Canada, it's Quebec. Besides being "the French fact in North America", it is also a cauldron of corruption. La Belle Province is seemingly controlled by biker gangs who have childish names like "Rock Machine" and no motorcycles. This is preferable to popular democracy, which has only been able to produce life-long losers like Jean Charest. If Canadians were truly serious about making the world a better place, we'd wall off Quebec, plow their fields with salt, and drown the fuckers with their beloved Pepsi cola.
The only worthwhile things to emerge from Quebec is Leonard Cohen and Mitsou. But Maxime Bernier wants to join that esteemed company and make it a holy trinity.
Bernier is Canada's Minister of Foreign Affairs, and a notably ineffective one. This is particularly shocking in so far as Canada hasn't had a foreign policy that inspires anything other than laughter for 70 years and pretty much everything the Canadian government does springs exclusively from the fevered dreams of Prime Minister Stephen Harper.
You would think that such a job would be difficult to fuck up, but Monsieur Bernier is doing yeoman's work of it. In his short time in office, he has publicly called for the president of Afghanistan, Hamid Karzai to fire the governor of Kandahar province, Asadullah Khalid, for the type of corruption that makes him suitable only for the Liberal Party of Canada.
Since I'm not foolish enough to believe that Afghan democracy is going to accomplish anything but sadness, I'm not necessarily against calling for the removal of a corrupt bureaucrat who cannot effectively govern a place where Canadian soldiers have a nasty habit of getting dead in large numbers. What I don't support is making that demand in public because doing so never accomplishes anything productive and only serves to make us look like arrogant occupiers.
Having established that Maxime Bernier might be retarded, it would be unseemly not to point out my admiration for his skill with the ladies.
 For his swearing in by my super-hot governor general as minister of foreign affairs, Bernier was accompanied by a comely fuckslut who had her beautiful jugs hanging out in a way that still makes my balls boil whenever I think about it. It was an impressive display of tits and ass and one that has earned the minister my undying respect.
As it happens, the fuckslut in question, Julie Couillard, has quite the history to accessorize her formidable ta-tas.
Tongues first wagged over Foreign Affairs Minister Maxime Bernier's striking companion at last summer's cabinet swearing-in, and Parliament Hill is buzzing anew with revelations she was once married to an outlaw biker and lived with another gangster murdered during a bloody turf war in the 1990s.
The divorced Bernier, 45, first began dating former model and aspiring actress Julie Couillard, 38, during the summer of 2007, and the pair caused a minor furor with her revealing attire at last August's cabinet ceremony. According to newspaper reports, officials in the Prime Minister's Office admonished Bernier over her choice of outfit. I can only assume that Harper's discomfort with Mademoiselle Couillard's sexy, sexy outfit is an outgrowth of his inbred priggishness and inability to truly satisfy a woman. But pretty much everybody in Canada knows that about the prime minister. But the part about her biker history has certainly raised some eyebrows. According to documents, trial transcripts and newspaper archives, Couillard was romantically involved with two men with strong ties to the Hells Angels biker gang, La Presse reports.
In 1995, Quebec's elite anti-biker squad stormed the house Couillard shared with her then-boyfriend Gilles Giguère, a well-known underworld figure, in a pre-dawn raid.
Couillard was questioned in connection with a murder and extortion plot allegedly involving Giguère, a Hells Angels lawyer, and a Montreal loan shark named Robert "Bob" Savard, key lieutenant to jailed Hells Angels kingpin Maurice "Mom" Boucher.
After a long interrogation, she was released, later filing a complaint to the provincial police commission. She talked of her ordeal in a 1996 interview with Allô Police, a now-defunct Montreal crime tabloid.
Couillard lived with Giguère for three years beginning in 1993, until he decided to become a police informer after being arrested with a cache of machine guns and 20 kilograms of marijuana.
But Giguère was gunned down in April of 1996, before his trial could begin. Police discovered his body in a ditch east of Montreal.
The next year, Couillard began dating Stéphane Sirois, another gangland figure who would later become her husband.
Sirois was a member of the Rockers, a Hells Angels puppet club that biker experts say was responsible for taking over drug territories in and around Montreal and eliminating the Hells Angels' competitors.
Sirois later admitted to being a member of a Rockers "baseball team" – who intimidated rivals with baseball bats and smashed up bars that refused to allow the gang to deal drugs – and testified against more than a dozen of his former associates in a 2002 mega-trial.
During that testimony, Sirois contended Boucher had presented an ultimatum: he had to choose Couillard or his gang. He chose the former, but after their 1999 divorce, Sirois became a police informant, and returned to the gang as a mole.  To my knowledge, a biker slut has never gotten into the pants of a federal cabinet minister before, and this frankly speaks well of Quebec. It's nice to see that they still have a criminal element that isn't involved in the Liberal Party's endless kickback schemes. I'll admit that I have no small reservoir of affection for whores from Quebec. Before the fall of the Berlin Wall, Toronto's strippers were almost all French Canadian and were only put out of work because their Eastern European sisters are infinitely filthier. I also spent a weekend with a girl from Montreal several years ago and learned that if you have a finger or two in their asses while you eat them out, they tend to be screamers when they come. And they do tend to come a lot. Not having had a screamer before or since, I cherish the memory. As swinish as Quebec's general population is, their women are a precious resource and should be exploited without mercy once the Great Day of Reckoning comes. While I applaud Bernier's romantic choices without hesitation, Ottawa's churlish political and journalistic establishments are displaying what they are best known for, jealousy and stupidity. In Ottawa, Liberal Leader Stephane Dion said he had no independent confirmation of the allegations, but what he had heard caused him concern. "Certainly, Mr. Bernier needs to explain because we want to know if there were any matter of national security involved," he told reporters. This is further evidence that Stephane Dion should shut the fuck up. Bernier is minister of foreign affairs, he's not justice minister or running the Treasury Board. What's the worst thing he can do, give Saskatchewan to the Arizona chapter of the Bandidos? And would that really be so terrible? Christ, does Dion even like girls? It sure doesn't look like it. And that goes double for Gilles Duceppe. Unless and until either one of those sexless dwarves can demonstrate that they can handle the slutty sphincter of a trained biker whore, they should put their fucking kid gloves back on and leave the important stuff to Maxime Bernier and me. It's easy to think that you can handle a woman experienced in pulling a train of hardened, hairy criminals, but the reality is very different. Don't ask how I know that, just know that I do. We're also learning that, besides being the greatest fuck in the world who isn't my bride-to-be, Julie seems like the kind of girl who can get a self-important cesspool like Ottawa to lighten the fuck up, if only a little. The cabinet minister’s girlfriend always stood out in the genteel diplomatic crowd that inhabits the foreign affairs building. Whether smoking cigarettes in an ambassador’s limousine or striding into meetings snapping bubble gum and clad in leather boots and tight jeans, Julie Couillard raised eyebrows.
The prime minister is being surprisingly cool about the whole spectacle. I always figured that if Harper were ever presented with a perfectly shaved pussy, he'd physically recoil and immediately declare martial law. "I hear that one of my cabinet ministers has an ex-girlfriend," Mr. Harper told reporters at a hastily called scrum Thursday.
"It's none of my business, none of Mr. Duceppe's business, none of Mr. Dion's business," he said, referring to the leaders of the Liberal and Bloc Quebecois parties.
"Mr. Dion and Mr. Duceppe are quite a group of gossipy old busy-bodies," the Prime Minister added.
Harper should have concluded his remarks on the matter by asking if Dion and Duceppe are also "worthless cocksuckers", but the man is the prime minister of Canada, and apparently some things actually are beneath him. Who knew? Of course, none of this is stopping the Liberals and the Bloc from looking extraordinarily silly and sad. At one point, Tory MPs booed so loudly during a question by Liberal House Leader Ralph Goodale that the Speaker had to intervene. Peter Milliken ruled such queries were in order.
"This is not about Madame Couillard. This is about national security," said Mr. Goodale.
"This is a fundamental issue of democracy and if the government is not prepared to let the people of Canada have their say and ask decent legitimate questions, then this government stands exposed as government that is denying fundamental democracy." Fucking a girl who fucked a bunch of bikers is a "fundamental issue of democracy?" Really? Jesus Christ, it's getting to the point that Canadian democracy is so fragile that a gang bang might just plunge us all into the darkness of fascism. Furthermore, Goodale is the wrong person to lead this charge. The Liberals need a recognized expert on sluttishness. By the way, where is Belinda Stronach, anyway? She'd be good at this as she could ask questions like "Mr. Speaker, did the minister ejaculate in Madame Couillard's ass? Because a man will do anything, including jeopardize the national security, for a woman who lets him do that." Only a true dumper daredevil like Belinda knows what the stakes really are in a situation like this. Belinda knows it, Peter MacKay knows it, I know it, and now you know it, too. Of course, the jackals in the Fourth Estate are giddy over the prospect of talking about tits and ass while pretending that it's really about something other than tits and ass. The sexual frustration of the Toronto Star's James Travers in particular is almost palpable. It's as easy to make too much of Maxime Bernier's latest twirl in the spotlight as it is to miss the point. Who he dates is mostly important because it muddies the message he was trusted to deliver. What "message" is Bernier's cock supposed to be delivering, Jim? "I Break for Nuns?" Bernier's success in annoying separatists is measured by reports that Bloc mischief-making was central to the resurrection of the Julie Couillard story reporters previously explored and found wanting. While ticking off the Bloc delights patriots as well as Conservatives hoping Quebec will help push the party from minority to majority, it's slim compensation for the wreckage trailing the minister mandarins half-jokingly call "Mad Max."
High in the damage report is the Conservative law-and-order image. As unfair as it is to a woman with no criminal record, politicians in particular are judged by the company they keep and it's hard to find worse company than bikers. I disagree. Politicians are seen in the company of journalists all the time. Most surveys show that reporters rank somewhere around the level of child molesters in the public's esteem and well below blogger scumbags like me. Something tells me that I've had filthy, nasty sex with more of my readers than James Travers has with his. Accordingly, I'm much more important than he is. Giving up the nappy dugout is much more of a personal commitment to a writer than, say, paying seventy five cents on the way to work. Just sayin'. Worse still, the Star's own chronically wrong editorial page forcefully disagrees with its star pundit. All of the above goes double for Stephen Maher of the Nova Scotia Chronicle Herald. Maher is seemingly incapable of making a point and writes for a newspaper that probably has fewer readers than I have, which is fucking pathetic. Almost nobody is reading me at this point.  There are a few points here to remember when considering the importance of Monsieur Bernier's past-tense bumping of uglies with Madam Couillard
- Maxime Bernier doesn't take a dump without a note from Stephen Harper explicitly allowing it and dictating the size and girth of the turd.
- No one has managed to explain how a former fucktoy of the Quebec Hells Angels constitutes a national security threat. Has Sonny Barger allied himself with al-Qaeda without telling anyone?
- Bernier is sadly no longer fucking Julie, therefore any "threat" has receded.
- Stephane Dion, Gilles Duceppe, James Travers and Stephen Maher are all singularly incapable of satisfying a woman and probably aren't interested in learning. You could send all four of them to the fucking Learning Annex and none of them would be able to find the clitoris with a flashlight afterward.
- Maxime Bernier used to fuck Julie Couillard. The Liberals plan on fucking the Canadian taxpayer straight into poverty for a long time to come.
- This is the best scandal that can be dug up on the Tories? Really?
- Have you seen her tits? Canada has no real national security policy to speak of and Mme. Couillard has fantabulous funbags. If I absolutely have to worry about something, I'd prefer to worry about something that I know for a fact exists.
I've said a lot of incredibly sexist things in this little essay and all of them happen to be true. But I'm also telling you something that the Liberals, Bloc Quebecois and the goddamned liberal media isn't - that this story isn't about national security and never was. It's a story about slutty pussy written under the pretext of national security. If this was a serious story, the media would have been on top of it (so to be speak) when the Bloc started pimping it out months ago. And they did check it out, but decided that it just wasn't as important as the fact that Dion was going to be a coward about forcing an election for the sixth month in a row. But Parliament is about to go out of session for the summer and, since neither Harper or Dion is going to do anything remotely interesting, pussy is as good a topic for the press gallery to write about as any. I can't prove this, but I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm being read by a few Canadian journalists. If that's true, I'd like to take this opportunity to tell them that they're fundamentally dishonest. When I write a story a story about cunt, at least I tell my readers (and usually in the headline) "Hey, look at this story about cunt!" However, if you don't know the difference between biker cunt and national security and can't explain how one impacts the other, chances are you don't understand either. Julie Couillard isn't Ellen Rometsch, you dumb bastards. At best, she's a girl who spent a decade being passed around at keggers and traded for particularly good crystal meth. It's adorable that assholes like Ralph Goodale and James Travers think that a former Hell's Angels cum dumpster is a threat to "fundamental democracy" when the all of the available evidence indicates that they themselves - and the proud and profoundly ignorant voters and readers who support them - are a much more serious threat. The public likes being stupid and the political and journalistic classes of North American society are more than happy to keep them that way. If they can do that while writing about a girl with big tits and a well-worn cooter, all the better. But that's just another reason that you should get all of your news from skippystalin, isn't it? Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Is She Really Going Out With Him? By: Joe Jackson From: Look Sharp! Permalink Labels: Fun With Politics, Journalists Are Swine, O Canada, The Department of Love Letters, The Department of Professional Outrage, The War On Fun
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Saturday, April 26, 2008
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 STRIKEWATCH THE SECOND: DESTROY THE NDP
The leader of the provincial New Democratic Party, Howard Hampton, just finished committing televised suicide. Just seconds ago, Hampton held a press scrum outside of Queen's Park where he really didn't say much of anything.
Late last night, my dementedly socialist mayor, David Miller, sent a request to my genetically dishonest premier, Dalton McGuinty, for provincial back to work legislation regarding the cocksuckers at the TTC. The McGuinty government has recalled the Ontario legislature for tomorrow and the legislation is being drafted as I write this.
The leader of the Progressive Conservatives, John Tory, is being eminently reasonable in his desire to crush those assholes under the heel of government. Although he still stupidly insists that "essential service" agreements necessarily would have to involve either arbitration or even democracy, he's as reasonable as a politician can be, I suppose. Although I would have ordered summary executions by now. If nothing else, I'm a "people person."
Hampton, however, has decided to look like a total cocksucker, trying have it both ways and pissing off absolutely everybody. The dumb motherfucker actually held a press conference to declare that he won't he commit to the legislation either way until he sees it.
That might sound reasonable, had the Liberals not already leaked that the back to work legislation is being crafted to specifically ensure NDP support and that it's a straight back to work order, with no instructions given to the arbitraitor. If anyone's getting fucked in the bill, it's Tory, who wants an "ability to pay" instruction given the arbitraitor. But Tory's supporting it even without what he wants.
Hampton, throughout his press scrum, insisted that he shouldn't say anything because "the parties are back at the negotiating table", ignoring that they're only there because the Minister of Labour ordered them there. Furthermore, the union jackals have been given the best deal they're ever going to get, and knowing that back to work legislation is about to tabled, there's very little point in negotiating.
The NDP is trying to look good for his worthless base of union assholes knowing that it won't matter in the long run. The arbitraitor will give the union they want and more, because that's the nature of things in a backward fucking society like Canada.
 But Howard Hampton has essentially told the city of Toronto that he holds the interests of the 9,000 members of the Amalgamated Transit Union Local 113 over the 1.5 million of us who need to get to fucking work on Monday and the other 3 million across the GTA who will be impacted by the city being tied in knots.
Hampton's chosen his side, folks. Now it's time for you to choose yours. If you happen to be one of the 5 million voters in the Greater Toronto Area and you ever vote for the NDP again, you should be forced to walk to work everyday for the rest of your stupid fucking lives. And you should make that walk on broken ankles. Some assholes should be made to live their vote once in awhle.
This is a done deal. The NDP doesn't have the votes to block the legislation. At best, they can only delay it until Friday at the latest, which I don't think they have the balls to do. They're grandstanding on the side of people who have already gotten everything they wanted.
Because of the uncertainty that that grandstanding that Howard Hampton, the NDP and the 35% of the Amalgamated Transit Union's membership have thrown into the lives of millions of people, lines have been clearly drawn. They chose sides and you're not on theirs.
Vote accordingly, you stupid motherfuckers. There won't be a provincial election for three and a half years, but you can spank the NDP federally in the very near future. If you hapen to be poor or working class, Hampton just demonstrated that the NDP doesn't represent your economic interests. If he did, he wouldn't be so fucking coy about whether or not you'll be able to get to work on Monday.
On the other hand, a vote for the NDP has always been a vote to be poor, stupid and unemployable. How else can you explain Manitoba and Saskatchewan? There's a reason that those people are regarded by Toronto as something less than our pets.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Pets By: Porno for Pyros From: Porno for Pyros
PermalinkLabels: Fun With Politics, I Fought The Law, O Canada, The Department of Professional Outrage
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 DESTROY PUBLIC SECTOR UNIONS NOW
So the various unions servicing the Toronto Transit Commission - which gets a million and a half people across the city every day - have taken it upon themselves to paralyze the city and essentially hold its citizens hostage. What makes this even more of an outrage is that their leadership signed an agreement in principle just six days ago.
Despite my longstanding and visceral hatred of organized labor, I actually sympathized with the drivers on at least one point of thier contract dispute, which is a big deal for me. My contempt for unions usually compells me to demand the barbequing of their membership on a fucking spit. Furthermore, the transit unions threaten the city every three years. You can actually set your clocks to it.
Transit employees have been subjected to increasing levels of violence from the animalistic ridership in recent years. That most bus drivers are irredemmable cocksuckers is no excuse. A gentleman always strives to contain his more violent impulses to his workplace and romantic relationships. Anything other than that eventually leads to societal breakdown.
But for far too long, when a transit employee is injured on the job - including as a result of criminal asssaults - they collect only 75% of their salary. However, when TTC management has to stay home as a result of a catostrophic dildo mishap, they recieve their full pay. No right thinking person can honestly believe that to be fair and for that reason, I supported the union. Almost everything else they wanted was atavistic nonsense, but they had me on their team regarding injury pay.
The TTC's current contract expired on April 1st and the unions have been in a legal strike position ever since.
I will also say that the union's president, Bob Kinnear, actually managed to come across as a serious professional, as opposed to the monsterously corrupt felons one usually associates with union leaders. Kinnear promised the pepole of Toronto that they would receive 48 hours notice if the union went on strike. For this, he received no small amount of goodwill from the citizenry.
On Thursday the 17th Kinnear announced that the union would walk off the job on the following Monday if there wasn't an agreement in principal by 4pm on Sunday the 21st. At 5pm on the 21st it Kinnear and TTC chair Adam Giambrone announced that the city had caved almost completely, giving the union everything they wanted. The three million citizens of Toronto breathed a sigh of relief.
Then this. Last night, the cocksucker membership of the maintenance union voted down the deal and there was less than an hour's notice before the entire system shut down. Every indication is that this had less to do with the deal itself than it did launching a palace coup against Kinnear.
And that's completely unacceptable. It's bad enough that taxpayers are held hostage by the greed of their own friggin' employees, but to be held hostage because a private union finds that they're unhappy with the leadership that they were dumb enough to elect is beyond the pale.
Here's an example of what will happen in my city in the coming days. In the fall of 2006, Dr. Reverend and his lovely bride went on vacation to Europe and I was entrusted to babysit their palatial estate. While they were gone, the Peel Region Transit Service - which operates outside of Toronto proper - went on strike and the city was tied in knots. Because of the increased traffic, it took me twice as long as usual to get to fucking work.
As I write this on a Saturday morning, the city is already becoming increasingly congested. Just wait until Monday morning when everybody goes back to work. Unless Premier McGuinty can legislate these jackals back to work tomorrow (and actually force them to bend to the government's will), which I don't have a lot of faith in, three million people are essentially going to be paralyzed.
It's time to annhiliate those assholes once and for all.
The transit unions, in the months leading up to the expiration of their contract, unwittingly gave the province the weapon it needs to do just that. They commissioned former NDP MPP Marilyn Churley to write a report detailing the impact of an extended withdrawl of transit services on the city. And since everyone in Ontario who doesn't live in the city are unwashed fucking savages who would joyfully resort to cannibalism were it not for the economic benovelence of Toronto, what hurts Toronto destroys everyone else.
The Churley Report - meant to garner sympathy for the transit union - details an almost apocalyptic breakdown unseen outside of the Book of Revelations. Accordingly to Churley, an extended strike would cause both environmental damage, an almost impossible burden on Toronto's poorest citizens and actual loss of life.
Instead of making the case for a socialist giveaway as she intended, Ms. Churley actually makes a compelling case for declaring the TTC an essential service and outlawing their ability to strike forever.
Delaring transit an essential service has been devated in Ontario for years. As a matter of fact, both Quebec to our north and New York State to our south have already done so. Sadly, the nutless wonders of all three parties in Ontario have declined to follow suit.
One of the conservative arguments against essential service legislation is that all matters are then turned over to binding arbitration. This only proves that conservatives are fucking idiots. The same government that can draft you into the military at its whim is the same government that can a goddamned bus driver to either accept a contract or find work elsewhere.
Not only do I endorse declaring the TTC an essential service, I would go further and revoke the ability of all government employees to walk off the job. I would also consider banning public sector unions in their entirety.
The leftist dickheads who have shaped modern Canadian society have sharply limited personal freedom in any number of ways, including speech, association and the free exercise of religion. You cannot endorse that while maintaining that public employees have an irrevocable right to strike. Sorry. As a matter of fact, if the government has the power to legislate private contract disputes into arbitration, they have the power to prevent a disruption caused by its own employees from occurring at all.
Big government cuts both ways, teenagers. If there is no unfettered right to, say, free speech, there certainly isn't a right to get fat off of the public largesse. Try as I might, I can't find a constitutional right to work for the government at all.
I'm hoping that Canada can finally produce a politician that has the balls President Reagan demonstrated in dealing with air traffic controllers in 1981. If a public employees union walks off the job, they get three days to return. Should they decline, they will have forfeited their employment and their union is immediately decertified. In a perfect world, this would be handled by blanket legislation and not on a case by case basis.
As we learned under the Reagan precedent, you only have to do it once. There hasn't been a major federal public employees union strike in the United States since. All it will take is for one set of public workers to get thrown out on their ass and have their union decertified for all of the others to get in line.
For far too long, the union movement have been allowed to paint their lives as being somehow reminesent of the finer works of Dickens and Steinbeck as they have gotten fat, lazy and stupid from the proceeds of what is essentially extortion. Well, you know what? Life hasn't been a Dickens novel in over a century now and it never was for the professional bureaucracy. As much as some people would have you believe otherwise, Tom Joad didn't drive a fucking bus for $60,000 a year.
I think it might finally be time to play hardball with these assholes. Organized labor has been instrumental in the creation of big government and the nanny state, yet somehow immune from the power it exercises over everyone else. Unfettered government power can work both ways and it should be time that the unions learn that.
It should also be remembered that all three parties to the TTC dispute, Mayor David Miller, TTC Chairman Adam Giambrone and Amalgamated Transit Union Local 113 President Bob Kinnear are all affiliated with the Ontario New Democratic Party, which is the political mouthpiece of organized labor. It's become crystal clear that these mogloids can't even agree with themselves, let alone a Liberal or Conservative government.
The professional left has never believed in the right to do anything that doesn't involve storming the Winter Palace. It is well beyond time that these motherfuckers learn that the Winter Palace is more than capable of storming them.
If the TTC's mechanics don't like deal that's more than fair and far beyond what they would get in the private sector, fire them! I'm sure that there are any number of struggling mechanics in the Greater Toronto Area who would be thrilled at the prospect of making upwards of thirty dollars and hour. If the drivers see the mechanics lose their jobs wholesale, I guarantee you that they'll show up for work with giant, stupid smiles on their suddenly humble faces.
I actually feel badly for Bob Kinnear, who has actually conducted himself as a gentleman throughout the negotiations and will likely lose his job as a consequence. Kinnear signed a great deal for his members and they rejected it because they are worthless cocksuckers. There's no way that anyone can deal with him anymore, which is actually sad.
But under no circumstances should those ghouls get a better deal than the one they've walked away from. If anything, they should lose a benefit for every day that they're off the job. And the government should publicly announce that they are training scabs as the strike continues.
Last night Kinnear released a statement expaining that there was less than an hour's notice before the strike because of increased threats of violence against TTC operators during last weekend's strike notice period. "We have assessed the situation and decided that we will not expose our members to the dangers of assaults from angry and irrational members of the public," Kinnear said.
Under no circumstances should anyone resort to violence against TTC employees. That's criminal and counterproductive, despite the fact that bus drivers seemingly receive some manner of dickhead training on the job.
 Having said that, I'm not against the idea of clubbing the union leadership to death like baby seals. And I'm also not against driving nails through those clubs either.
Once you explain the situation to people like Paul McCartney with words using no more than two syllables, I think he'd understand. Maybe Morrissey would, too. Frankly, if you bring in Newfoundland's seal hunters to do the job, it could work out well for everybody.
For once, I'm actually thinking of two people who aren't me during these desperate days in this unholy age of Bush. I sincerly wish Bob Kinnear luck finding a job in the private sector where he isn't surrounded by brain-damaged curs and professional deviants. Then there's Michelle, who I've written about before and would still very much like to sexually defile in ways that violate the laws of god and man.
Eventually the TTC will go back to work and resume being overpaid for things that you can train small children to do. And when they do, you should give each and every one of them the finger. Then all of you idiots should get together and crown me as the King of Toronto so that I can unleash a pogrom against the civil service.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: The Ghost of Tom Joad By: Bruce Springsteen From: The Ghost of Tom Joad
PermalinkLabels: I Fought The Law, Life With skippy, O Canada, The Department of Professional Outrage
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