 YET AGAIN, IRON MIKE SAVES THE DAY
This blog has sucked pretty bad lately. I know it as well as you do. Don't think that I haven't noticed, too. Christ, Sunday's Randy Newman piece was even more painful to write than it must have been to read.
A year ago, I would've hopped on something like the Mark Foley story and rode that horse to fucking glory. I've dreamed about a story like that to mock since I was a toddler. And it comes to pass, and I manage to struggle through a very short article about it. If I can't get excited about that, something's up. I'm just not sure what it is. But over the last few weeks, my thinking very rapidly became, "I'll write my way through it." Or, "My readers will stick through it. Or not. Whatever." Yes, I know, these things happen to the best of us, and that I'm nowhere near the best. I guess even the bottom five percent go through it, too. But before, I'd actually get upset and obsess over it. This time, I didn't. I didn't care all that much at all. It was kind of nice, truth be told. But as is true with most things in my life, Mike Tyson bounded in to save the day. I have a complicated history with the former Heavyweight Champion of the World. While he is one of the most reprehensible people alive today, he is also one of the funniest. I prefer to think that his brand of humor is intentional, although I recognize that it is very likely the result of a profound and savage psychosis. I have chronicled Tyson's exploits in some detail over the years, and I am eternally grateful to him for his antics, as should you. As people who appreciate all that is desperately, horribly wrong in the human spirit, true affcianados like you and me should recognize that Iron Mike has given far more than he has taken. He has served as my muse in recent years, and I thank him from the bottom of my black little heart for this. It wasn't always so. When he was the greatest of living pugalists, he was more mean than crazy. Yes, he was merciless in his punishment of those who stood in the way of his glory, but rarely did he express a desire to eat their babies or make them his women. This only happened when his skills evaporated, and he was utterly humiliated by that, the biggest of tubs of goo, Buster Douglas. To be fair, there were moments of madness during his title reign, but they were few and far between. There were more moments that he wasn't driving into trees, getting into late-night street fights with former opponents, or bragging to Jose Torres about hitting the frighteningly beautiful Robin Givens than when he was. These moments were special because they later became so fleeting. Since 1990, Tyson has devoted every moment that wasn't taken by getting his ass kicked by nobodies to bringing the crazy. Hard. In fact, he was much better at being a blathering psychopath than he was a combatant in the Squared Circle of Glory. 
After an unfortunate romantic encounter with beauty queen Desiree Washington, and his subsequent Indiana internment, his life was more consumed with bad tattoos - including one on his fucking face - and nonsensical statements than it was getting battered about by "journeymen, " a phrase which is nothing more than boxing-speak for "useless sacrificial lambs." Despite having eaten half of his head, Tyson still had his ass kicked by the highly erratic Evander Holyfield. That the former Heavyweight Champion of the World, and Baddest Man on the Planet, actually canabalized the noggin of his successor and still lost told everyone but Mike the state of his skills. And, the more he lost to progressvely weaker opponents, the crazier he got. And then, the boxing was gone forever. But Tyson is still crazy, and has a great deal of time on his hands. Due to his being barred from boxing professionally everywhere but Europe, Asia, and the backwoods of Tennessee - and the increasing liklihood that he'll be defeated by an infant - Tyson is seeking other career opportunities. Mike Tyson says he may include bouts with women on his next tour, and mentioned professional boxer Ann Wolfe, who is 21-1 with 15 knockouts.
"She's such a prominent, dominant woman in the boxing field," Tyson said. When asked if he was joking about fighting women, Tyson said, "I'm very serious."
Wow, I think Iron Mike has decided on performing an homage to Andy Kaufman, and taking it on the road. All he has to do to make the picture complete is to begin each bout by screaming, "I'm fwom Howwlywood" at the top of his lungs. Then he could go about punching a young lady in the mouth. This, my friends, is a picture that pretty much paints itself. On the other hand, Kaufman never went so far as to get a tattoo on his fucking face. Or said that the best punch he ever threw was at Robin Givens. Or found himself a convicted rapist. Andy rolled in a decidedly different manner than Iron Mike. Some might suggest that Andy wasn't sufficently adept at "keeping it real." I prefer to think that Mike just lives his art to a greater extent than most mortals dare to understand. A convicted rapist who has admitted to spousal abuse offering to fight women might present some public relations .... I guess, "challenges" is as good a word as any. But very few people understood Andy in his lifetime, and so it is with Tyson. He is possessed of a comedic sensibility that will go unappreciated until he is no longer with us. And there's always the distinct possibility that Iron Mike could get his ass kicked by a girl. Then he would have no other option but to abandon Islam and embrace Buddhism. Only Buddhists would accept him then. Buddhists, and perhaps the Commodores. But just when you thought that Tyson couldn't get any weirder than wanting to fight women, he did. He discussed his journey into black Republicanism.
At the press conference, Tyson posed for photos with fans, signed autographs and campaigned for Maryland U.S. Senate candidate Michael Steele.
Tyson, wearing a white and blue Steele for U.S. Senate T-shirt, said he used to believe black Republicans were "sellouts." But Tyson said he changed his mind after researching the Maryland lieutenant governor.
"We have to open our eyes more," Tyson said, as he pointed to his T- shirt.
I'm sure that Steele is as thrilled by this unexpected endorsement as I am by the idea of Mike Tyson "researching" something. Every smart political professional knows that, when you're down between nine and thirteen points in a head to head with a nobody, it is best to lock down the "rapist who wants to fight women and eat some babies" vote. This could be decisive, and should never be ignored. Besides, how could any Republican shun the support of a guy with a giant prison tattoo of Mao on his upper arm? Somewhere out there, Karl Rove is sleeping the sleep of angels.
 I might be alone in this, but I see a big future for the Champ in big-time politics. Perhaps not as a candidate, but as a consultant - or better still, a commentator. Who needs Michael Kinsley, Robert Novak, or Chris Matthews when you can have the former Kid Dynamite?
Think it through, would you rather watch Andrew Sullivan be gobsmackingly saddend, or Tyson go off on a lisping tirade? If there were anything approaching Universal Justice in this world, Crossfire would be resurrected with Pat Buchanan and Mike Tyson hosting. I doubt that Jon Stewart would get so out of line under those circumstances, lest he have his ears bitten off and face immediate deportation to Mexico. On the other hand, it is entirely possible that Stewart would put Tyson on his ass, but it would still be pretty compelling television.
These are small dreams, I know. But they are the only ones left to me.
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