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Friday, April 20, 2007
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 "YOU'RE A RUDE, THOUGHTLESS LITTLE PIG!" ALEC BALDWIN IS THE FATHER OF THE YEAR. ALSO, SVELTE
Being a lover rather than a fighter, I'm not one for taking a punch. But that doesn't mean that I can't recognize a great boxer when I see one. One needn't be an expert in a given field to appreciate the majesty of those that are. Not everyone got to pound the piss out of George Foreman, but we all agree that Muhammad Ali was the Greatest of All Times.
As you know, I'm a lonely, lonely man and generally repulsive to sensible members of the opposite sex everywhere. Consequently, I'm childless and will likely remain so. This doesn't disturb me as much you might think. There are some bloodlines that should come to an ignominious end. No one wept over the fact that Hitler had no hier and I feel the same applies to me.
But just because I don't have kids doesn't mean that I can't recognize a world-class parent when I see one. There are things that every gentleman of distinction just knows. You might not even require trivialities like evidence to support your conclusions, but you're greatful when they come to you.
Some guys need a coffee mug to validate their delusion that they are the "World's Greatest Dad." Celebrated corpulent thespian Alec Baldwin isn't one of them. Should Baldwin forget his status, a reminder is always just a voicemail away. It appears that reaching out and touching someone is Alec's greatest talent of all.
An enraged Alec Baldwin unleashed a volcanic tirade of threats and insults on his 11-year-old daughter, Ireland, calling her a "thoughtless little pig," and bashing her mother Kim Basinger -- and TMZ has obtained the whole thing unfiltered and raw. And we've learned, a family law judge was so alarmed after hearing the tape, she has temporarily barred Baldwin from having any contact with his child.
After Ireland failed to answer her father's scheduled morning phone call from New York on April 11, Alec went berserk on her voice mail, saying "Once again, I have made an ass of myself trying to get to a phone," adding, "you have insulted me for the last time."
Switching his train of thought, Baldwin then exercised his incredible parenting skills and took a shot at his ex-wife, declaring, "I don't give a damn that you're 12-years-old or 11-years-old, or a child, or that your mother is a thoughtless pain in the ass who doesn't care about what you do." The irate Baldwin went on to say, "You've made me feel like s**t" and threatened to "straighten your ass out."
"This crap you pull on me with this goddamn phone situation that you would never dream of doing to your mother," screamed Baldwin, "and you do it to me constantly over and over again."Before hanging up, Baldwin warned the child, "You better be ready Friday the 20th to meet with me." That's tomorrow.
Gadzooks! Methinks Ireland is in for something a little more severe than a grounding. That message (which, if you want to hear it in its entirety has been linked by the sainted Ace of Spades HQ) sounds as if Alec is going to challenge his daughter to a duel! "Pistols at dawn, Ireland ... or whatever your real name is! Pistols at dawn!"
My favorite part? That Baldwin only seems to have only a general idea of how old his daughter is. that's priceless and would tend to underscore what a dedicated dad he is.
Anyone who knows Alec, either by reputation or through his demented exchanges with the equally moronic Sean Hannity, knows that he's a couple of guns and camcorder shy of shooting up a campus at any given time. I view the Baldwin/Hannity feud the same way most sensible folks view cockfighting; at the end, both foul will be dead and it's probably best that way.
What the eldest of the demonic Baldwin clan demonstrates is that mercy is in too a short supply these days to be extended to someone as trivial as a child. There are untold thousands of terrorists that Alec wants to coddle, and he knows that the real place for discipline is at home. Or, at a bare minimum, his ex-wife's home. Heaven knows that proper ass-straightening could fuck up the upholstery and that simply wouldn't do. Not in Alec's finely turned-out Hampton's digs. California probably is the proper setting for such ugliness.
It should go without saying that the law takes a dim view of Alec's parenting. When that "World's Greatest Dad" mug is handed to Baldwin and formalizes what so many of us already know, you can bet the esteemed judges of the Los Angeles Superior Court won't be there.
We've learned that on Wednesday, Los Angeles County Superior Court commissioner Maren Nelson heard the tape and temporarily suspended Baldwin's visitation rights. A hearing is set for May 4, where the judge could permanently deny Baldwin visitation or contact with Ireland.
Oops!
Now, I'll forgive you for not being the public-relations wizard that I am, but everyone who knows anything about a P.R clusterfuck knows that it is imperative that you find a bad guy in these situations. Preferably one who isn't you ... that sort of defeats the purpose.
Every great father knows that upon engaging in what could be construed as child abuse, the proper thing to do is blame the mother. That always works, especially if you have high-priced shills to do it for you.
Alec Baldwin's spokesperson released the following statement to the TV show "EXTRA": "In the best interest of the child, Alec will do what the mother is pathologically incapable of doing ... keeping his mouth shut and obeying the court order. The mother and her lawyer leaked this sealed material in violation of a court order. Although Alec acknowledges that he should have used different language in parenting his child, everyone who knows him privately knows what he has been put through for the past six years."
 Far be it from me to nitpick, but it seems that if Alec were capable of keeping his mouth shut, he wouldn't be in the pickle he finds himself in today. But the strategy is sound. You see, "the mother" referred to above is none other than than former celebrity piece of ass Kim Basinger. Now anonyomous, Basinger isn't known for speaking out much and less for anything approaching coherence. One of the iron laws of Public Relations is that if you absolutely must start a public pissing match, it is best that you target a semi-retarded nobody.
However, even in this Baldwin fucked up royally. A true gentleman knows that if you wish to distract from the verbal browbeating of defenceless child, you leave it to your hired minions to publicly assault the mother of same. This allows the gentleman in question to stay above the fray, as befits a man of proper breeding. Okay, I used the phrases "man of proper breeding" in the same sentence as the name Baldwin. No, my head didn't explode doing it. But it came close.
In this, Alec let his passions get the better of him. Of course, he issued a public apology, but it was the strangest such statement since President Clinton's acknowledgement of his relationship with "that woman."
"I'm sorry, as everyone who knows me is aware, for losing my temper with my child. I have been driven to the edge by parental alienation for many years now. You have to go through this to understand. (Although I hope you never do.) I am sorry for what happened. … I have endured a great deal over the last several years in my custody litigation. Everyone who knows me privately knows that certain people will go to any lengths to embarrass me and to disrupt my relationship with my daughter.
I am sorry for what happened. But I am equally sorry that a court order was violated, which had deliberately been put under seal in this case. Although I have been told by numerous people not to worry too much, as all parents lose their patience with their kids, I am most saddened that this was released to the media because of what it does to a child.
(In cases such as this) your opponents attempt to take a picture of you on your worst day and insist that this is who you are as a person. Outside the doors of divorce court, I have friends, I have respect from people I work with and I have a normal relationship with my daughter. All of that is threatened whenever one enters a courtroom."
So much for staying above the fray. He may as well have said "I'm sorry I called Ireland 'a rude, thoughtless little pig' because it really isn't her fault. She gets it from her mother. Now is there a dwarf tossing joint in this shithole of a town? Anyone have a puppy I can kick?"
There are 20 years of examples of why Alec Baldwin is history's greatest shithead. This is just the most recent. I'm sure there'll be another one in a week or so.
Update, April 26, 2007: This is perfect. Ruthlessly stolen from College Humor
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Big Poppa By: the Notorious B.I.G From: Ready To Die
Permalink Labels: Celebrity Skin, The Academy of Gentlemanly Studies
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