I think Gore's going to run and I give him better than even odds to win, too. Let's face it, Al's got a dynamite convention speech in him. All he has to do is walk up to the podium and say....
"I accept your nomination for the presidency of the United States.
The money's all gone, education still sucks, Social Security is still a pipe-dream and Iraq couldn't be a bigger mess.
I fucking told you so!
Good night and God bless America."
I'm not sure how any Republican argues with that in a way that doesn't inspire giggling or the undying wrath of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. A smart Republican nominee will run against the White House, but no Republican nominee can long survive the White House running against him. And anyone who thinks that President Bush gives a rat's ass about the long-term health of the Republican Party is an even bigger fool than I would give them credit for.
But just because this is a race that Gore would have a hard time losing doesn't mean that he isn't willing to give it a shot.
You see, Gore is running on a two-point platform. It's a pretty complicated platform, so bear with me.
- We're all gonna die.
- Everybody is not only monumentally stupid, but unrepentantly so.
The first part is something we all have heard about. That's how we're going to get killed by the weather. Terrorists are trying to get nuclear weapons, and liberals want me stockpiling sunscreen. Global warming is one of the major reasons that people have been mocking liberals since the dawn of time.
Yet, despite the fact that Gore's dopey powerpoint presentation has been cancelled by snowstorms in places like Miami, the global warming bandwagon is picking up speed. And I can't be the only one who would have a hard time imagining Al Gore losing sleep over the prospect of Florida being forever under the sea, can I?
The second part of the platform is a little more complicated and a LOT more deserving of attention. Al just wrote a big, long book that nobody will read on the subject, but he summarized it beautifully last week.
Former US vice president Al Gore on Friday criticized the "trivialities and nonsense" of celebrity gossip in the media and called on people to focus instead on issues like Iraq and climate change.
Gore, who is promoting his new book "The Assault on Reason," made the comments at a book signing in New York, where he was treated to a rock star reception by more than 1,300 cheering and screaming fans.
"What is it about our collective decision-making process that has led us to this state of affairs where we spend much more time in the public forum talking about -- or receiving information about -- Britney Spears shaving her head or Paris Hilton going to jail?" Gore asked.
He lamented what he described as the "destruction of the boundary between news and entertainment" and said the United States was "vulnerable as a democracy to mass and continuing distraction."
As my world-wide audience has come to expect of me, I disagree with Al on a number of his assertions. Firstly, say what you will about Britney Spears trimming her noggin, but you can't say that it wasn't an important story. Verily, it was mind-altering in its total and death-defying awesomeness! Of all of the things that the United States has going for it, its single greatest resource is celebrities! Without celebrities, America is just another collection of fat people who kill foreigners. Not unlike the Mongols in the days of old.
When those celebrities melt down in public, that says a lot about the World's Sole Remaining Superpower. Specifically, that its turning into Rome and the end is near. Britney shaving her head should tell the rest of the world something that it should really pay attention to; "Break out your Bibles folks, the End Times are near.
On the other hand, I agree with Gore that no one should give a shit about Paris Hilton going to the pokey. What's the worst that can happen? The general population of the L.A County Jail getting the clap is what. That place being the cesspool of open sores that it is, I doubt that anyone would notice for years.
Now
Lindsay Lohan getting arrested is another story entirely. After all, she has much nicer jugs than Paris. Look, it's sad when women of loose morals and tight vaginas fall from grace. No one knows that better than I do. Okay, maybe
Vanessa Williams does. But when women of loose morals and tight vaginas with big, giant knockers fall from grace, that's more than merely sad, that's the kind of tragedy that would give Shakespeare a hard-on that lasts for months! This is doubly true when cocaine is known to be in their glove compartments.
I'm not saying that big-titted coke sluts are above the law. I'm far too sophisticated a legal observer to say anything that would so damage my credibility. What I
am saying is that big-titted coke sluts shouldn't go to jail unless a camera crew is with them at all times and a live feed is sent to my house. Fair is fair and I think that part of their debt to society should involve my masturbatory needs. After all,
De is getting tired. So very, very tired.
Furthermore, I have a very hard time believing that 1,300 New Yorkers went to have a book they'll never read signed by Al Gore. I might believe it if we were talking about a shithole like
Scottsdale, but there actually
fun things to do in New York.
But let's get to Big Al's larger point shall we? Are girls with big tits and mental and legal difficulties a threat to American democracy? Or are they just a fun way to spend a weekend? The answer might shock you!
These girls aren't what Al was really getting at. Paris, Lindsay and Britney aren't really a threat to anyone but themselves and whoever else is on the Pacific Coast Highway with them. Christ, they don't even have entertaining arrests, like Mel Gibson.
What Gore is saying, in his typically Al Gore way, isn't that celebrity fuck-ups are destroying American democracy, it's the media coverage of them that is. And I'm calling horseshit.
Celebrity tabloid journalism has been incredibly powerful in the United States for over eighty years now. In fact, it was even more powerful in the Golden Age of Hollywood than it is now. Back then, if you fucked up horribly, you were finished.Not only was your career over, in many cases so was your life. Now, you get the cover of People, a goddamn book deal and a shot on Oprah.
Back then Americans gave a shit about Hollywood, because they really felt that it was the land of hope and dreams. They believed that it was full to overflowing with beautiful, wonderful people who shared their values and love of Jesus, apple pie and America. this might sound familiar, because Americans used to feel that way about America, too.
There was a time when most Americans felt that good people could run for public office and make a change for the better in their lives, and that they did it for no other reason than patriotism and the betterment of mankind. But the Kennedy assassination, Vietnam, Watergate and pretty much everything else official Washington has done since has cured the American people of that.
Fifty years ago, the phrase "politics is show business for ugly people" was a cute joke. Today, it's an astute observation. Are there really any signifcant differences between, say, Bill Clinton and O.J Simpson? How about
Mark Foley and
Richard Hatch? When you get right down to it, they are more similiar than they are different.
If you want an indication of just how seriously Americans take their democracy, look at the election of 1992. Nearly one in five presidential ballots were cast for H. Ross Perot, who might actually have been insane. And they elected Clinton, who everybody knew was lying about pretty much everything. Everything George W. Bush touches turns to fucking dust and the frieghtening fact is that approximately 35% of Americans still approve of his presidency. In real numbers, that's twice as many as think that Elvis Presley is still alive.
Hollywood doesn't strive to anything greater than its own self-importance and the semi-annual rotation of its spouses. They might pretend to be Agents of Change, but I don't think even they expect you to believe it. The difference is that official Washington does expect you to believe it. In fact, they demand that you do. And by God, if you don't, they'll send people like Al Gore out there to tsk-tsk you into feeling unamerican!
But what would you rather see, pretty people in horrible car accidents, or ugly people do nothing while the rest of us hit the fucking wall? I think that you know the answer as well as I do. And the American people are voting with their attention spans.
Let's pretend that you're an average American voter for just a second. What have you seen in the last generation of politics? Ronald Reagan did trade arms for hostages. Bill Clinton did subborn purjury to cover-up a blowjob. George Bush still refuses to face the facts about a war that he chose to wage. And you know what happened as a consequence? Not. A. Goddamned. Thing. Each new president ends up being immeasurably worse than the last and everything continues to go to shit. Christ, the last president who paid any price at all for his (relatively minor) malfeasance was Richard Nixon .... 33 fucking years ago!
Now, if that's been your entire adult life, wouldn't you rather be distracted by a good set of jugs with a chemical dependency and a 500 horsepower engine? If you wouldn't, you're either stupid, crazy, or both.
