 BIKINI REHAB WORKS WONDERS! HOW LINDSAY LOHAN CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE!
There's something almost tragic about a person who can't be reliably fucked up without imploding their entire lives. Something that makes you giggle can still be tragic, right? I do want to be on the record as saying that it saddens me when it isn't making me laugh my ass off. Some people can be on the most powerful drugs known to man and function just fine. The great Keith Richards was horribly addicted to heroin for eleven years and has been drunk pretty much ever since, but he still made Exile on Main Street and didn't miss a single show for 28 years. I've been known to drink some myself. Okay, I've been known to drink a lot. I can't tell you what a good impression that you can make on the women in your life when you start drinking at dawn and still maintain the ability to carry on a conversation and the desire to have sex seven or eight times during the course of the day. But that just leads to why I'm the perfect boyfriend and I don't want to have that conversation. At least not today. Of course, I instinctively know that not everyone can maintain a certain level of incoherence, yet still be able to do things like write Some Girls and maintain a twenty-four year erection. It saddens me to no end, but some people couldn't be more stubborn in their insistence of being Courtney Love. There are folks out there who can't have any chemically-induced fun without ruining everything by making Metal Machine Music. There have, to be completely frank, times in my life when I felt that perhaps my vices were getting the better of me and that things were spinning out of control. At times I feel an awful lot like Sly Stone must have midway through 1972 - minus of course the cool afro and the great Larry Graham on bass. When I begin to feel that the drugs and alcohol are getting to be a tad overwhelming, I have a really, really simple solution. I run out of money. You'd be surprised how easy it is to detox when you're broke. Really, you would. Dare I say, it's as easy as not getting out of bed in the morning. I don't want to get all Bill W. on you good folks, but nothing beats an addiction quite like bankruptcy. Having said that, letting the money run out doesn't seem to be an option for some. For them is a rehabilitation facility. The world's greatest living guitarist and celebrated former fuck-up, Eric Clapton, has his very own rehab clinic on the tropical island of Antigua. It is my understanding that rehab is a place where you get locked away for a month or two to twitch, puke and shit yourself through aboutthree weeks of insomnia. That being the case, maintaining your fucking tan probably won't be your first priority should you find you find yourself in such a place.  Or maybe I'm just an asshole. Lindsay Lohan certainly thinks so. And the available evidence seems to indicate that she's right. After all, if you can go to rehab for making homophobic remarks, why not get a good tan while you're at it?
La Lohan did just that. After crashing a car with an unfortunate amount of liqour in her bloodstream and a "useable amount" of cocaine in her glove compartment, Lindsay checked her precious tits into the Promises Clinic to learn how to get fucked up like a respectable woman. This is important when a girl turns 21.
As a side note, her arrest also demonstrated just how stupid Los Angeles cops are. Anyone who has spent three and a half hours licking a plate or mirror and their credit card can tell you that any amount of cocaine is "a useable amount."
It turned out that Lindsay's treatment was so effective that she didn't need to spend a lot of time at the clinic at all. Sure, she would visit from time to time, but most of her treatment period was spent at innumerable birthday parties for herself and in a bikini. Friends, I don't have anything stupid, like a doctorate in clinical psychology or even an education, but I do know substance abuse. And I'm here to tell you that if your cans look good in a bikini, you just don't have a problem yet. Now, Tara Reid has an enormous problem. She should be locked away in rehab forever. Or a tomb. Whatever it takes.
I haven't made any secret about my admiration for Lindsay Lohan over the years. I love her and I want to make her my very own redheaded, psychopathic slut. However, I was worried that rehab would have ruined her, just as it has ruined so many before her. One should always be mindful of the horrors rehab inflicted on a former piece of ass like Marianne Faithfull.
 I just want Lindsay to be my soul-mate and not be so shy about showing off her fantastic funbags as she has been all of these years. It's finally time for you to shed the training wheels of your sexuality and be free, Lindsay! You're 21 now. It's time to let yourself go. C'mon, show us those titties at long last.
That being said, I'm a huge supporter of La Lohan's recovery. While having sex with unconcious women is my second favourite sexual pursuit, it's a distant second. And one should always be mindful of the fact that the only other option is dead women. Or being a homo. Or, I suppose, bestiality. Shit, maybe Santorum was right. Maybe there really is a sexual slippery slope. I always knew that Lindsay was a fifth column of the Republican Party. I just didn't care. As a matter of fact, I still don't. Morals are something utterly foreign to anyone who owns a penis. Unfortunately, the Republican Party keeps putting up twisted drag queens like Rick Santorum as staw men to be knocked down and devoured by the Army of Fun. That is why they are forever doomed and we face the terrifying prospect of a New Democratic Century.
Seriously, Lohan has the cutest face and nicest jugs I've seen since Zombie went into the Witness Protection Program. If I can't have Zombie, Lindsay will do in a pinch. Sorry, Sugar Tits, a boy has priorities.
But before you fall into a drunken despair because you're my second choice, Lindsay, you should know that I couldn't be prouder of your bikini recovery. Furthermore, I have learned a lesson from it as well. That lesson? That your cans look just as good in the harsh sunlight as they do in darkened nightclubs and the back of limousines.
 It should go without saying that the ideal place to go upon being released from rehab is a bar in Las Vegas. Support groups know as well as everyone else that "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." I know that, Lindsay knows it and, most importantly, the under-dressed and over-indulged whores around her know it, too. Unlike, the pathetic little lessons you learn in school and from the Bible, Las Vegas operates under the Laws of Nature. Those laws encourage the righteous and sober to be mercilessly mocked before they are eaten alive by those who know better.
On the other hand, the alcohol monitoring anklet was a nice touch. Appearances are important when one is facing a DUI conviction in a jurisdiction that Paris Hilton recently made so inhospitable for drunkards of every description.
But just because you've just finished a rehabilitation program doesn't mean that you shouldn't be allowed to have any fun.
WHICH hard-partying starlet has figured out a way to get high while wearing an alcohol-monitoring anklet? She was asking where she could score some Ecstasy at a Vegas club the other night...
I'm not what you'd describe as an "Ecstasy guy." Drugs that may cause Parkinson's Disease and make me love people I wouldn't fuck just aren't my thing. On the other hand, I'm considerably older than La Lohan and forgot what fun smelled like in 1982.
But the resourcefulness she learned in rehab makes Lindsay even more special to me.
A source said, "She uses 'whippits,' the tubes that you buy that contain nitrous oxide. She mixes that with the cold medicine Coricidin. Together they get you really wasted. At first, the counselors couldn’t figure out how she was getting high, but then they found the cold medicine and whippit containers under Lindsay’s bed. Lindsay admitted to using the stuff in group counseling meetings and said she was sorry. This is why Miss Lohan and I are perfect for one another. She'll heroically huff from a whipped cream can and I, like the great Ernest Hemmingway, can't do much of anything until I get six or seven drinks into me. Oh, what a wonderful world it would be if Lindsay Lohan and I ran off to Ketchum, Idaho together and let nature take its course.
However, I might be deluding myself. After all, I'm a born romantic. I know that, Lindsay knows it and, most importantly, the under-dressed and over-indulged whores around her know it, too.
Lindsey Lohan's Cleavage - The funniest videos clips are here
lindsay lohan best ever - Funny videos are here
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Detox Mansion By: Warren Zevon From: Sentimental Hygiene
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