 THE NEW YORK TIMES IS WRONG AND BERNIE BRILLSTEIN IS A BIG MEANIE
You know that a media freakshow is starting to get really good when The New York Times starts to cover it. I also love how the Times calls you "mister," regardless of how much of a monster you are. It's very respectful. And cute. Where else are you likely to see the words "Mr. Hitler" in print?
This morning, the Times hopped on the Lindsay Lohan bandwagon with this article. Sure, the piece is dressed up as a business story cataloguing the many ways that La Lohan will ruin the people that finance her movies, but no one can really hide what this story is really about - a girl with big tits who likes cocaine and crashing cars. And those are the greatest stories of all. The New York Times can dress it up any way that it wants to, but I think we all know what time it is.
I think it's really cute how the rest of the world is coming around to a view that I've held for some time now, that Lindsay Lohan is a hero! Lots of people look up to FDR and MLK, but those people are idiots. Roosevelt was almost never photographed in a bikini. So Lindsay is much greater hero than FDR. And will be until her breasts sag or she turns into a pig. Self-destruction is not for the ugly. There's nothing hot about that. No one would care if it was Charlotte Rae that got popped in Santa Monica Tuesday morning. That might be an unpleasant truth, but such are The Facts of Life.
Anyone who has paid any attention to cable news or the blogosphere for the last two days could be forgiven for thinking that La Lohan was charged with the Tate-LaBianca murders. In fact, all this was is just a small misunderstanding involving Lindsay being Lindsay. The inclusion of cars and cocaine, while regrettable, was unavoidable.
 Even though there are serious news stories out there, such as Pakistan's government becoming dangerously unstable and Jessica Alba being single, the New York Times chooses to focus on the Lohan story. I think the Times has finally discovered just how lucrative the "big tits and car accident" market really is. You can argue that the disintegrating war in Iraq is important, but it is several levels of importance beneath a redhead with a giant dependency problem and no pubic hair. For obvious reasons, this is The Most Important News Story Ever.
Instead of focusing on the truly important issue of Lindsay's cooter, David Halbfinger studies what her most recent arrest might do to her films and her career.
Lindsay Lohan’s arrest on felony drug charges early Tuesday came at the worst possible time for TriStar Pictures, which plans this weekend to release "I Know Who Killed Me," a low-budget thriller in which she stars.
Ms. Lohan had been set to promote the $12 million movie on "The Tonight Show" Tuesday night, but her appearance was abruptly canceled shortly after her arrest. Actually, no one really needs to worry about "I Know Who Killed Me" losing money. It's virtually impossible for a movie that only cost $12 million to lose money. You could put a red wig and fake knockers on an old mop, send it out on the talk show circuit and the movie would still at least break even. The people who buy the DVD for masturbatory purposes could put it in the black.
And if it doesn't? Well, all you have is yet another Lindsay Lohan film that loses money. Truth be told, I couldn't name five movies that this broad has been in, and so far as I know, only "Mean Girls" made what could be described as serious money. I think her last movie only did as much business as your average snuff movie. Lohan isn't really famous for acting, she's famous for having nice jugs and crashing her car into stuff.
But the larger casualty of Ms. Lohan’s latest encounter with the law — setting aside the incalculable damage to her acting career — may be an independently financed project in which she was to have played only a supporting role.
That film is “Poor Things,” a fact-based dark comedy starring Shirley MacLaine and Olympia Dukakis as women who take out insurance policies on homeless people, only to kill them. Ms. Lohan, 21, was to play the niece of Ms. MacLaine’s character, and filming was to have started in three weeks. With Ms. Lohan now presumably unavailable, it is unclear whether the film’s financing will hold together, two people involved with the film said Tuesday.
Now, that's serious! A movie with Shirley MacLaine and Olympia Dukakis? That would have been fucking huge! In 1986.
 At this point in our fable, we learn that Bernie Brillstein - who doesn't manage Lohan and isn't involved in any of the projects at issue - is a cunt.
More broadly, Ms. Lohan’s arrest prompted veteran talent managers to issue dire warnings about the actress’s prospects if she is unable to clean up her act. "I hope they put her in jail for as long as they can," said Bernie Brillstein, whose company has represented John Belushi and Chris Farley. "Maybe she'll realize how serious it is. I believe she’s uninsurable. And when you're uninsurable in this town, you're done."
"I hope they put her jail for as long as they can?" This from a guy who managed John Belushi and Chris Farley? What the fuck is that about? Look, I can understand the disappointments Mr. Brillstein has suffered - the failure to make "Chesseburga, Chesseburga: The Movie" and getting shitcanned by Garry Shandling would be rough on any of us - but that's no reason to take it out on Lindsay. Bernie Brillstein is a vicious motherfucker, and this is just another example of how he has no soul. Can someone drive a stake through his heart already? There are 18 million people in metropolitan Los Angeles. Do you mean to tell me that no one can spare a silver bullet?
On the issue of La Lohan's insurability, Brillstein is wrong in ways that suggest that he doesn't even know where Hollywood is, let alone how it operates. What you and I would classify as criminal deviance is considered standard operating procedure in Tinseltown. Every hour in Los Angeles, fourteen separate things happen that would make the dying days of Rome look like something you'd find on a Hallmark card. There are few industries more tolerant of irresponsible fuck-uppery than the business of show.
 To illuminate this, I give you the case of one Robert Downey, Jr. When he was first arrested, Downey was driving under the influence of heroin, had crack in his car, and was in possession of an unregistered firearm. He was promptly released on bail and accidentally broke into his neighbour's house and fell asleep in their 10-year-old's bed. For this, he was sentenced to go to bed without dinner or something.
You could point out that Bobby actually did do a year in the clink, but that took something like 16 arrests involving cocaine, crack, heroin, methamphetemine, weapons of varying description, parole and probation violations, and a Wonder Woman outfit. The only person properly qualified to write the history of Downey's legal dilemmas is J.K Rowling. His ability to repeatedly fuck up in such creative and terrible ways suggests that he might have magical powers.
Other than getting fired from Ally McBeal, do you know how many jobs he lost as a consequence? None. If Robert Downey, Jr. can get insured, I doubt Lindsay will have much of a problem. Besides, I'm pretty sure that she'd look hotter in the Wonder Woman costume. While sodomizing Downey isn't something that I'd refuse out of hand, it isn't the purpose of my life that buggering Lohan is.
I wasn't sharing too much in that last sentence, was I?
As you might imagine, I'm of a far different mind regarding Lindsay's career prospects than Halbfinger and that ruthless cocksucker Brillstein are. In fact, I think this might be the best thing that could have happened to her. Well, presuming that she doesn't go to prison for six years. That would kind of suck.
 People - and Americans particularly - love a comeback story. This is doubly true when that story has glorious cans and a snapping pussy meticulously denuded of its hair. However, to come back, you have to go down a little. Excuse me for a moment while I contemplate the image of Lindsay Lohan going down a little.
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(Insert the sound of furious masturbation here.)
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Okay, I'm back. Where was I? Oh, yeah. This is pretty simple; drunk driving is bad, m'kay? But La Lohan is really hot and hot people can get away with shit that you and I can't. You may not like that fact, but if you want to protest it, you might as well organize a march against gravity while you're at it. Besides, it isn't like she ran over a kid or anything. Even if she did, I'm pretty sure the P.R damage wouldn't be all that bad if it was an ugly kid.
Unless and until Lindsay Lohan gets fat and stupid like Britney Spears, her career as someone I want to fuck in the ass really hard will be as strong as it ever was. Even if she goes away for a couple of months, it'll only serve to build up a "Chained Heat" prison-lesbo mystique that couldn't be more powerful.
Besides, there's nothing quite as nice as trial that makes you want to take your pants off. I went to law school and learned that so you don't have to. You're welcome.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Brandy Alexander By: Feist From: Let It Die
PermalinkLabels: Celebrity Skin, I Fought The Law, Journalists Are Swine
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