So it finally happened. On Monday it was announced that David Lee Roth has rejoined Van Halen and the group will launch a 50 city tour starting in October. This should be interesting. Just as Roth said late last year, this could result in "a NASCAR-style wreck or a Jerry Springer fight." At the time, there were no other options presented, which, given this particular band's history, seems appropriate.
Let's review some facts.
Alex Van Halen has some weird degenerative condition in his neck that has forced him to play in a brace since the late 1980s. Roth described him as falling on the floor backstage at their first MTV Music Awards reunion in 1996 and giong into convulsions. In his 1997 book, Crazy From the Heat, Roth said of Alex's condition, "I wouldn't wish that on a dog."
Eddie has had oral cancer and had a third of his fucking tongue removed in 2001. He continues to smoke, which promoters and insurance companies should love.
Ed is also a chronic alcoholic. The tour announced Monday was supposed to have taken place in the super-lucrative summer market and played stadiums. But Eddie had to go to rehab and everything was postponed. Now they're doing arenas in the fall, which dramatically undercuts the profits they can expect. It should be noted that when Van Halen last went out with Sammy Hagar in 2004, Ed was fucked up for the entire second half of the tour and played selections different than the rest of the band when he wasn't falling down. The tour's promoters lost their fucking shirts.
When sober, Edward Van Halen is a world-class prick! Van Halen's singers have either quit or been fired when Ed was sober.
Van Halen has released a grand total of three new songs in the last nine years. After their disasterous little adventure with Gary Cherone, Warner Brothers Records told Eddie that they either bring back Roth or Hagar or get dropped from the label. When Eddie couldn't get his shit together, one of the biggest American bands ever was dumped on its ass. Van Halen has been without a recording contract for five years now.
David Lee Roth was always a guy with a cool voice rather than a great singer. He was a personality and a performer rather than a musician. Roth is also 52 years old. Something tells me that the days of the twelve-foot leaps from the drum riser and seven-foot high kicks are well behind him. He also hasn't played a really big room since the early 90s.
These guys have always hated one another and they always will. Most folks don't find undiscovered resevoirs of love in the hearts in their early 50's.
Speaking of which, this is Roth's fourth stint in Van Halen. The first was from 1974 - 85. Then he was back to record two new songs for their Greatest Hits album in 1996. Then there were some sooper-seekrit sessions in 2000, which fell apart before anyone found out about them. Most bands don't go through four singers in a career. Van Halen has managed to go through one singer four times.
Oh yeah, and the bass player is sixteen years old. At least there'll be someone there that Dave can relate to.
Look, I'm not fooled by the kissy-faces. This is about one thing and one thing only - making as much money as humanly possible in a short period of time. Van Halen is a big operation. Eddie has a state of the art recording studio at his house. The band owns god knows how much staging, lighting and equipment, which requires warehouses to store them in and a crew to maintain it all. That gets very expensive when you're doing nothing for years at a time.
And for all anyone knows, Roth has been pumping gas for the last six years to make ends meet. Yes, he did take over Howard Stern's radio slot in several markets, but he's currently suing CBS for firing him without paying out his contract. Diamond Dave hasn't had a major label deal since 1993 and his touring has been limited to clubs for over a decade and, were it not for the steady influx of Van Halen royalties, he'd be startving to death.
These guys can't stand the sight of one another, but - not unlike Mick Jagger and Keith Richards - they're joined by fiscal necessity. The question is, can they make any money?
To explain what I mean, I'll have to explain how big time rock tours work these days. Because the costs of staging, lasers, dry ice machines, sets that look like castles and everything else that you've seen a million times has gone through the roof, an artist will only play a city for what's known as "guarantee plus percentage." What that means is that the promoter guarantees the artist a fee. For a band like the reunited Van Halen, that guarantee would be anywhere from two and five hundred thousand dollars a night. If the gig turns a profit, the artist will usually get a small cut of that as well. But it doesn't matter if the show is a full house or only sells twelve tickets, the band still gets the guarantee. Which, funnily enough, is why its called a "guarantee."
If you ever wondered why concert tickets cost hundreds of dollars now when they only cost twenty bucks when I was in high school, now you know. When a musician tells you that they hate that ticket prices are so high and it's all the promoter's fault, know that he's lying out his ass. Concert promoters are running a business, not a charity. Accordingly, if they have to pay, say, the Eagles $750,000 a show, they have to cover that first. Then they have to do shit like actually promote a show. Once you run a half page ad in a major metropolitan newspaper for a couple of months, you'll know what that costs. And that's even before you rent a venue and stock the backstage area with booze, pornography, cocaine and hookers. It's a pricey game and artists have made it that way.
Which is fine, too, I suppose. Musicians aren't running charities either. Because of file-sharing technology and really bad management decisions, the recording industry's long-term prospects look slightly worse than Iraq's, the real money in music has shifted from record sales to touring.
That's where Van Halen runs into some problems. After the 2004 tour, which Ed spent drunk and falling down and on which the promoters lost a fuckload of money, the band is going to have a very hard time getting the guarantee that they're used to, if they get one at all.
That means that they're going to have to sell out every arena they play. That's why the tickets for the entire tour go on sale Saturday. And that's great ... if they're only playing the 25 dates announced so far. Van Halen is essentially doing a "Greatest Hits" show. They haven't been in the studio and there's no new material to tour behind. That means there's no fallback. If they go out there and suck on opening night in North Carolina, they're fucked as far anything past the first 25 shows goes.
As a cancer survivor with a drinking problem who continues to smoke, Eddie is going to have a problem getting insured for the tour. The fucking guy has been out of rehab for only a few months and he's going on the road. What could happen? I think if we all know anything, it's that there's no place like a big rock tour to straighten up and fly right. Just look at how well it worked for pretty much everyone else in the history of music.
That isn't all. Ed's a deeply weird guy, who seems to get weirder as he gets older. Just last fall, he was giving truly bizarre interviews to Howard Stern and acting like an all-around asshat. It seemed as though he was just aching to confirm the rumours started on Al Gore's Internet that he had cured his cancer with crystal meth. Insurers, promoters and the media are all going to keeping a very close eye on young Edward. There wasn't very much media attention on Van Halen's last couple of tours, but because of the presence of Roth and Wolfgang, there will be this time.
That's doubly true since he decided to put his sixteen-year-old kid on bass. Pretty much anyone who goes to see Van Halen this fall is going to be my age or older. A lot of those folks are going to take their teenage kids, who would very much like to see what music was like before it decided to become Godsmack and suck. Going to see Eddie be a falling down, drunken idiot as he screams about how meth cures cancer is one thing. Seeing him do it as his teenage son is standing there, stage left, is quite another. That could be the making of a tiny PR problem.
On the other hand, what could possibly happen to a sixteen-year-old on tour? Britney Spears did it and she turned out just fine, didn't she? It's hard to say, since there's so little to read about her on the Internet these days.
I should say that I loved that goddamn band when I was kid. Sure, I'd be all fancy and listen to Ray Charles and Robert Johnson records, but I'd always have some old school Van Halen close by. I learned to dance from David Lee Roth - which I think was the law if you were a teenage boy in the early 80s - and that has made me the hit I am today at weddings.
Van Halen was one of the very few fun bands of that era. Whereas every other guitar-driven band was singing about slaying fucking dragons and defeating evil, Van Halen songs were about getting laid, beautiful girls, dancing the night away and being hot for teacher. People forget this, but in 1982 practically everyone was Ronnie James Dio and Van Halen made videos where they rescued transvestites who had been tied up by dwarves. People also forget that they were a band that made five really good records in six years. It takes Axl Rose six years just to get out of bed these days.
I'd love to see this band come out and blow everyone's assholes inside-out, but I'm not getting that vibe. At least not yet. More likely, this is going to be an ego-driven car accident, fueled by Ed's genetic inability to keep his shit together. That could be interesting to watch, too, but not at nearly 200 bucks a ticket.
I think I'll sit this one out and see what happens, which will likely be nothing. If they even make it through the twenty-five scheduled shows without falling over or killing each other, I'll be amazed. During Monday's press conference, Roth said "This isn't the Police." But he just might be wrong about that. From everything I've heard, the Police have gone on the road for the money and they've been sucking pretty bad. I don't have any reason to believe that Van Halen will be any different.
It probably would be better if they stayed at home and let us think about how cool it could have been.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love By: Van Halen From:Van Halen
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What People Are Saying About skippy
"hands down, Canada's most underrated blog" Damian Penny, The Undisputed Dean of Canadian Political Bloggers. Posted at Daimnation , Saturday October 21, 2006
"You can count on “Skippy” to make you think in different ways about familiar issues. You can also depend on him to be rude, offensive, and outrageous – if you're offended by completely uninhibited sexual imagery (and imagination!), don't read Skippy – but your prudery will keep you from an often interesting perspective." Posted On: Jamulblog, July 12, 2007
"Your Maximum Leader is beginning to think that the less he posts, the better Skippy’s political posts are. Indeed, your Maximum Leader even thought (just a few short moments ago) that if your Maximum Leader just stopped blogging all together would Skippy just keep on writing enough good material for two blogs? (Admittedly one of those blogs would be an X-rated social commentary/diary site and the second a remarkably well-informed and insightful political commentary site…)" Posted On: Naked Villainy, September 18, 2007
"I love your writing. few could pull off sarcastic humor and self-loathing like you do. You've turned self-disgust
into an art form." Posted By:Ophelia July 19, 2003
"hahaha um, not funny" Posted By: Ophelia July 17, 2003
"This is not fucking funny." Posted By: Bee August 21, 2003
"I join Bee in saying that this isn''t funny AT ALL. jesus christ, Skippy." Posted By: Ophelia August 23,
2003
"You are obiviously being kept down by the Mud People." Posted By: DrReverend August 21, 2003
"I''ll give you $50.00 if you kill yourself." Posted By: DrReverend August 19, 2003
"Last time I read this blog." Posted By: Dave, October 24, 2003
"I think you should stop talking about killing yourself and ACTUALLY kill yourself. For fuck's sake, everybody is
tired of hearing about how you might, just do it or face the fact that you are too pathetic to even kill yourself."
Posted By: A Caring Guy, October 25, 2003
"If Joey Ramone were alive today he'd probably shit in your mouth." Posted By: DrReverend November 11,
"When you're good, you're good. When you're bad, you're even better. See you in hell." Posted By: Anna
November 11, 2003
"Skippy, if you can prove to me that giving head and swallowing will without a doubt keep lung cancer and heart
disease at bay, you've earned yourself a BJ." Posted By: Mary Magdalicious, December 5, 2003
"Wow...you know nothing about politics." Posted Dr. Reverend, December 26, 2003
"You are a dick and should think seriously about killing your stupid blog - go get a job, you big fag"Posted
By: Princess Paragonian, December 29, 2003
"You have a, how shall i say.... appealing 'tough', yet gently gay look." (Univited PM) Posted
by:Jus20012002, January 2, 2004 .
"I hope jesus doesn't kick you in the nuts."Posted By: Mary Magdalicious February 2, 2004
"Stumbled on to your blog by accident and i must say alot of the stuff had me in stitches. Love it" Posted
By:Jeremy February 4, 2004
" .....sick."Posted By: Bee February 7, 2004
"Hey Skippy, you ever consider running for public office in the states? I know some people in the West Virginia state
government and our Senator can't live forever.Hell, even Strom, Thomas-Jefferson-Fan, Thurmond died
eventually.Posted By: Ford W. Mavrick, February 9, 2004
Wow, for someone who is so opinionated, you really don't know shit about American or Canadian culture. You appear to
know even less about history." Posted By: Dr. Reverend February 13, 2004
"Your blog's the best I have come across in a long time. I may not agree with all you say but the verve with which
you say it and the humour and irreverance is terrific. These days when the media just reproduces the handout from central
control, blogs like yours do a great deal to form informed opinion in a democratic society. Thanks. Keep it up."
Posted By:Anandan February 13, 2004
"SKIPPY pities ME? Where's my noose?" Posted By: Kilgore Trout March 22, 2004
"Jesus Skippy. Now Allah is going to kick you in the nuts" Posted By: Mary Magdalicious March 22, 2004
"I could make one that says "Skippy has a small penis" although his cock is superb. Posted By: Bestest Pussy March 23,2004
"Cunt sucking is for bitches.You're considered one of the girls because you dress like one. Posted By: Dr. Reverend March 24, 2004
"John Malkovich is one sexy bastard. I have such a thing for him. And I never realized til now, Skippy, how much you resemble John Malkovich...this, by default, makes you also one sexy bastard. See how that works?" Posted By: Zombie March, 26, 2004
"Too bad you live up north. It could have been beautiful.
Ever since I started coming here and saw your pic I wondered why you weren't getting more action. You are not a bad looking guy at all.
Maybe the girls are just...well, that's enough kindness for one day." Posted By: Serenity March 26, 2004
"Hell, if they make gay marriage legal, I'll marry you..." Posted By: Outpatient March 26, 2004
"You look creepier than the REM faggot. But he looks much more like a homersexual." Posted By: Dr. Reverend March 27, 2004
"Skippy, your hits will go up again if you post pictures of your man nipples. Lots of man nips." Posted By: Mary Magdalicious April 15, 2004
"What the fuck? You turning faggot? Posted By: Dr. Reverend April 16, 2004
"Sometimes it gets to be just a little too much. Sharing, that is." Posted By: Bee May 23, 2004
"I'll give you $5.00 if you make the fucking font you use on your blog bigger.
I'll give you $50.00 if you stop fucking writing about American politics.
I'll give you $500.00 if you fucking kill youself." Posted By: Dr. Reverend May 26, 2004
"Of course women like jerks.
Why the fuck do you think they like me?
I guess you've learned nothing from me over all these years." Posted By: Dr. Reverend May 29, 2004
"Sometimes a bitch just has to die." Posted By: Ford W. Maverick May 29, 2004
"It looks like we have more in common than the swastikas carved in our foreheads."Posted By: Dr. Reverend May 29, 2004
"This might be a shallow and 'Waiting-for-Godot-like' comment but...you seem to have not only brains but also beauty." Posted By: Nietzscheswife June 7, 2004
"Skippy, you are such a twisted bastard. Seriously. Why haven't we had sex yet?"Posted By: 0phelia June 25, 2004
"Just found your site. I find some of the things you say quite disgusting. And really quite enjoyable,so keep up the good work."Posted By: Big Al June 28, 2004
"I've read most of your blog. I'd say that so far it's the best I've come across, and believe me, I've seen a few. It's funny, well written (except for the spelling...) and interesting. There will always be those few idiots who just don't get it. It's useless to get worked up about it." Posted By: Johnny June 30, 2004
"Skippy... Go for the facial tattoo. I dig em', and fuck what those other bitches think. You can always bite their tits off if they back talk you." Posted By: Mary Magdalicious July 1, 2004
"Go fuck yourself up your butt." Posted By: Reek Stankleberry July 6, 2004
"Well if ass-fucking won't keep Satan away, I just don't know what will." Posted By: Dr. Reverend July 7, 2004
"dude, you're killing me. keep it up." Posted By: Son of Nixon July 22, 2004
"Are you always either naked or in a suit?" Posted By: Rehella July 22, 2004
"That person should speak for himself or herself. 'Cause you really are that much of a cunt, skippy." Posted By: Kilgore Trout August 4, 2004
"I've read you for a long time but have never commented before. That isn't a slight to your great writing ability, it's mainly because I don't want to be seen here!" Posted By: Paul August 4, 2004
" Dead on. Bulls-eye. I take back what I said about you being a cunt. For now." Posted By: Kilgore Trout August 4, 2004
"Know what, Skippy? You're alright." Posted By: Anna August 18, 2004
"Excellent work. Damn you for being so dead on." Posted By: The Maximum Leader August 24, 2004
"Skippy, fuck the puppy idea. Try getting a monkey that smokes. That will get you laid." Posted By: Mary Magdalicious August 27, 2004
"As to the beard - I like the clean shaven better - and what's wrong with a bald head? Bald heads are hot on some guys - unfortunately most can't pull it off * sigh * You look like you can pull it off though and that's a good thing - not a bad.
BTW, love your blog. I saw it in my referrers and thought it was just a random hit. Then I started reading and found you to be hilarious - it was only after about 10 posts that I noticed you linked me. I was more than flattered - linked by someone I was about to link anyway - awesome. Thanks" Posted By: Kinky August 27, 2004
"Fuckin' Goy bastard." Posted By: Dr Reverend December 19,2004
"Who does a guy have to sleep with to get one of his Skippy quotes pasted to the sidebar?
Great googly-moogly." Posted By: Smallholder December 20, 2004
"Are you a child molester or what's the story?" Posted By: Fukinator, December 28, 2004
"Sick dude." Posted By: DCayer December 29, 2004
"You officially suck." Posted By: Sorry, January 22, 2005
"I heart you, Skippy" Posted By: Karinsky, January 25, 2005
"As I've stated before, you were quite skilled in bed and I had no need to fake any of my multiple orgasms." Posted By: 0phelia, June 30, 2005
"I love Skippy. I swear I do. The only blogger more twisted than me." Posted on: Velociworld, July 26, 2005
" You are so fucking ignorant about America. And while the American people ARE stupid, so are you." Posted By: Bill Lassiter, August 2, 2005
"How can you not love a man who hates himself so viciously?" Posted on: It's All About De , August 31, 2005
"If I wasn't positive that all Canadian men had tiny penises, I'd be all over that Skippy." Posted On: It's All About De
"I've seen pictures of you and I'd say you're fuckable." Posted By: Joan, September 29, 2005
" I love your posts on Canadian politics even more than I love your posts on porn.
And I love your porn posts.
Why the hell do you waste all this talent on the internet? Write a book or something, goddammit! Posted By: Cliff S., November 17, 2005
"Let it never be said that underneath your self-cavilling, bitter (yet strangely egomaniacal) surface that you never take the time to give the people what they want. Even if it's just one people. Gawd bless you, Skippy! Posted By: Locke, November 18, 2005
"Wow! I don't know that I've ever been flattered and yet somewhat revolted at the same time... It's an interesting sensation." Posted By: Dewey in Toronto, December 1, 2005
"Very often, debating you is like playing whack a mole: You pop up some premised assertion moles, I pull out my mallet and start whacking, then you pop up more premised assertion moles - which are mostly or completely unrelated to the original moles I was whacking at. Your stock of moles seemingly stretches into infinity. And yet, an endless supply of moles does not equate to cogent argument.
Very often, debating you is like speaking to a salesman who will not answer a particular direct question, and instead flies off on the flight of rhetorical splendor known as "baffling them with bullshit." I'm impressed with your rhetorical skills, and your IQ, and your accumulation of knowledge. I'm impressed that I'm the American citizen, yet you might have a more thorough knowledge of the American Constitution than I. And yet, these impressive things are not substitutes for cogent argument."Posted By; gcotharn, December 21, 2005
"Besides, you seem to think you're the least respectable person I know. While you're often right, you're wrong on that count. Careful, I might out YOU as a nice guy. Or something." Posted By: Dewey In Toronto, December 27, 2005
"I've been to Toronto. The most dangerous thing I saw there was an 11 foot tall red head with shaved balls."Posted By: Judy, December 31, 2005
"There was this "Caught on Tape!" video I watched back in my highschool days where one of the scenes shows two people starting to cross the railroad tracks. One looks up at the last minute and sees the train, the other does not. In the commercial, it cuts away just before the train does its thing, but the video...
Your blog is like a twisted version of the video. We know the train is going liquify you in shocking gory fashion, but that's why we keep coming back. It's so much more fun that we both know the train is coming and you still gleefully walk into its path...and we love you all the more for it." Posted By:Locke, January 13, 2006
"Fuck. I'm hooked." Posted By: DeAnna, January 14, 2006
"Your Maximum Leader has found Skippy's commentary more insightful and interesting than anyone elses. So now he supposes that Skippy will go back to writing about porn and strippers he meets in the subway." Posted By: The Maximum Leader on Naked Villainy January 24, 2006
"Slightly crazed is fine, but with the beard you look like a total nutjob. If you ever hope to get laid again, for fuck's sake, Skippy, NEVER, EVER grow a saddam beard. You're welcome."Posted By: The Lady O, 28 January, 2006
"Maybe we should get married. My readers could support us by purchasing my worn panties and you could be the panty pimp." Posted By; Joan 28 January 2006
" I know it must be hard for you...being objectified by women all the time. But come on, how can they really help themselves? Have you seen yourself lately? Your pheramones preceed you into a room (as does your crotch). Don't blame it all on them...you did choose to leave your house. :D" Posted By: Joan, 3 February, 2006
"Skippy, you sarcastic twerp." Posted By: Arwen, 8 February 2006
"Just so you know.. if I had to choose between Moussaoui or Skippy.. You'd win. Even if I know what an asshole you are. Posted By; Judy, 13 February 2006
"I'd be willing to sign a legal document stating that is IS ok, in fact, to masturbate whilst thinking of me." Posted By: DeAnna (Who seems unaware of my reputation as an outlaw) February 24, 2006
"Feel free to masturbate while thinking of me...actually, do you need some of my panties to help you with that?" Posted By: Joan, February 24, 2006
"I blame myself for this. I have been too lenient with you. Your Godless behaviour must come to an end. You will receive a severe beating this weekend and I am contemplating removing your testicles." Posted By: Dr. Reverend, February 24, 2006
"Just remember skippy, the US never threw a fit when you smuggled your own personal WMD over the border twice a year. After all, it wasn't like you were hiding in your pants or anything.
All's fair in love and war, so to speak." Posted By: Judy, April 4, 2006
"Wow...nothing hotter than a man willing to issue fatwas for pussy." Posted By: Joan, April 16, 2006
"You sir, are a brilliant writer." Posted By: Judy, May 4, 2006
"I think I'm falling in love." Posted By: DeAnna, May 11, 2006
"THIS IS THE MOST DIABOLICAL FALSITY YOU HAVE EVER ENGAGED IN!!!!
I was intending to kick you in the face upon our next meeting, but now it's obvious that I must douse your scrotum in kerosene and set your testicles aflame. Alas, it is the only way you will learn." Posted By: Dr. Reverend, May 12, 2006
"And i would like to commend you on some excellent blogging. This particular story would normally warrant a few cryptically humorous lines and a link. To an ordinary blogger. But you managed to wring an essay of New Yorker-esque proportions out of it. That takes talent. Your beautiful young friend is right. I see big things for you in the future." Posted By: Annika, June 4, 2006
" I like a man who will unabashedly tell someone his penis size because hes unashamed. Thats hot.
*raises hand* I'll take that 6.5, thank ya" Posted By: Kinky, June 6, 2006
"Elvis, like skippy, is the very definition of rock and roll. Posted By: Rube, June 10, 2006
" I'm beginning to think you're the only good man left in the world, skippy. WTF?" Posted By: By: DeAnns, June 11, 2006
"Just so everyone knows.
Skippy does indeed, taste like bacon.
And, any guy who doesn't know cum tastes good to real women, is clueless." Posted By: Judy, July 2, 2006
"There was a British columnist whose work was described as 'a suicide note in weekly installments.'
This blog is sort of like that." Posted By: Gadfly, July 6, 2006
"Jeez, Skippy. Sometimes I really hate coming here." Posted By: Cynlee, July 18, 2006
"Someone needs to throttle you with a riding crop...truly!" Posted By: Joan, July 18, 2006
"Holy mother of god. I just had an orgasm. It's official: I'm devoting the rest of my life to you, skippy." Posted By: DeAnna, July 19, 2006
"Skippy, sometimes I'm not quite sure of your sanity, but you are without a doubt the baddest morning news reading, quiz show hosting, talent introducing PIMP in the motherfuckin' blogosphere." Posted By: Shank, July 19, 2006
