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Thursday, August 09, 2007
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 FINDING HEROES WHEREVER YOU LOOK
Most people are too cynical to recognize the everyday heroes that surround them. They're everywhere around you; ready, willing and able to save your life. They do this even knowing how little you think of them. You don't know the heroism around you and likely won't until things go really wrong. Sadly, it'll only be then when you join me in saluting them all.
I knew even as a toddler that strippers were more than just heroes - I knew that they were secular saints, doing the Lord's work in a world riven with evil. Most of you folks read Enjoy Every Sandwich from work. Just look at the women in your office and ask yourselves "How many of these broads are willing to straddle and grind my lap for no other need than to give me the powerful erection I so badly need to face the day?" How many will dress as a naughty schoolgirl and ask if you're a cop before squeezing your crotch because "You have an awfully big nightstick?"
Chances are the answer is none. You can conduct an office poll if you like, but I'd advise against it. I'm told that employers frown upon such things. I've also been told that that kind of behaviour frequently leads to lawsuits. Something about a "hostile work environment." I know, I don't understand it either. I think I have a right to know who the heroes around me are, who are the saints and who is just an embodiment of unrepentant evil in a fucking pantsuit. I blame the lawyers and so should you. There used to be a time when you could such things without the certainty of eventually being referred to as "the respondent."
None of the women in your office are willing to get you so aroused that you can go home and pound your putz into someone that you've grown to despise over the years. And the only reason they won't is selfishness and the faint hope that they can get someone like John Edwards to destroy everything you've worked so hard to build for trying.
 Now you know why exotic dancers are better than other women, but that wasn't the point of this little essay. Frankly, everyone who isn't an idiot already knows that and I hope that I haven't spent all of these hours, months and years writing for idiots. Please tell me I haven't been doing that. I could just as easily start blogging at the DailyKos, where I could at least take a handful of LSD before turning my computer on each morning.
However, in my quest of bettering myself through education, I learned today that strippers are better than paramedics, too!
Actually, that didn't surprise me all that much. I've been dealing with first responders for nearly a decade and a half now, and paramedics are the most prickish of the lot. They piss and moan about literally everything around them. And they'll almost never touch your balls with their perfectly rounded ass-cheeks. At least not in a fun way. The only people worse than paramedics are real estate agents, who barely qualify as human. Serial killers are better than both.
What I didn't know until this evening is that a peeler may someday save your life!
An exotic dancer is credited with reviving a client who passed out during a private strip show early Friday morning, police said.
Karnesha Nantz, 25, was hired early Friday morning to perform a personal show for Daniel Karpinski, 46, at Karpinski's home on the 400 block of Southeast Evans Avenue in Port St. Lucie, police said. According to a police report, while Nantz was dancing, she turned and faced away from Karpinski for approximately 20 seconds. When she turned around again to face him, Karpinski was slumped down on the couch and was having trouble breathing, police said. Nantz called 911 and began to administer CPR on Karpinski because he was not conscious or breathing. Paramedics arrived at the home and were able to revive the 46-year-old to the point where he was able to breathe on his own but unable to speak. He was transported to St. Lucie Medical Center, where he was listed in stable condition. Now you can't say that you don't know the truth. Karnesha Nantz is The. Greatest. Hero. Ever. Where would Dan Karpinski be without his Angel of Mercy, I ask you? You know where he'd be? Fucked is where! And not in a good way.
 Circumstances create heroes, I think we all know that. Very few people think that they'll run into a burning building to save a stranger or get a cat out of a tree until they're actually presented with the situation. Soldiers know that when they go to war. Or at least most do. The rest get jobs blogging for the New Republic. But strippers are heroes every single day. It doesn't matter if they're making you harder than you've been since your wedding night or pulling your tongue clear of your windpipe. It's all in a day's work.
According to a police report, Nantz said Karpinski offered her prescription narcotics on several occasions while she was dancing for him. Police said they located a bottle of prescription oxycodone at the scene with Karpinski's name on it.
Robert Vega, with the Port St. Lucie Police Department, told West Palm Beach television station WPBF that Karpinski told police that Nantz offered him an unknown pill wrapped in a towel. He said he took the pill on his own free will and afterward did not remember anything until he woke up in the hospital, police said. I hope that everyone who calls exotic dancers foul names like "drugged-out whores" learns their lesson from this story! Who better to recognize and treat an obvious case of polypharmacy? If only it were Ms. Nantz in Elvis's bathroom instead of his stupid girlfriend and daughter, the world of music might be a better place than it is today.
I'm a big fan of oxycondone and take it regularly, almost never without a hearty cup of alcohol. If I wasn't cursed with living forever, I'd always keep a trained professional like Karnesha Nantz around. And if I ever get married, I'll have a piece of paper in my wallet declaring that in the event of an medical emergency I should immediately be given a lap dance.
But that's just me. I'm somewhat known for being "forward thinking."
I'd tell you about the time I was cured of prostate cancer by a massage parlour attendant, but that's a little off-topic and a story best saved for another day.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Lord of the Thighs By: Aerosmith From: Get Your Wings
Permalink Labels: Modern Heroes
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