There are certain things that most people reach a certain age. Chief among them is the fact that there are two diffeent kinds of women in the world: those with big, beautiful jugs and those that have been shunned by god, probably because they were Hitler in a past life or something. You can argue all you want, but until you can cite evidence to the contrary, you'll lose. I should warn you, arguing with someone who has god on his side is an uphill climb.
Sometimes the Lord doesn't work in such mysterious ways.
Flat-chested women everywhere like to run around agititating about the pain that big titties can bring. They forever decry the back pain that their more mammothly mammaried sisters will face later in life. I'm pretty sure that it was them that started that vicious lie that silicone implants cause cancer, too. If I've said this once, I've said it a hundred times: if something is safe enough to gout your bathtub with, of course it's safe enough to pack into your chest. Jesus, don't you broads believe in science?
What those tiny-titted luddites won't tell you is that having great big knockers is a great way to get someone to buy you a house. If they're even halfway nice, you'll at least get a free car. What's a little back pain or cancer compared to that? Prioritize, ladies. You have no idea how tough it can be out there. As you know, I have what might just be the most photogenic penis in the world today, but I can't even get someone to buy me dinner.
Women who receive implants for breast enhancement are three times as likely to commit suicide, according to a new report that offered a sobering view of an increasingly popular surgery.
Deaths related to mental disorders, including alcohol or drug dependence, also were three times as high among women who had the cosmetic procedure, researchers said.
The report, in the August issue of the Annals of Plastic Surgery, was the most recent to detect a higher suicide rate among women who had their breasts enlarged, providing a gloomy counterpoint to other studies that showed women felt better about themselves after getting implants.
I have a much different view. Big breasted women are a lot like Jesus. They feel everybody's pain. And there's a lot of pain out there to feel, living as we do in a world overflowing with pestilence, death, starvation, war and American Idol. After a time, that pain must be dulled, which is where drugs and alcohol come in.
And as messianic as they are, I would posit that women don't get implants so that they can feel better about themselves - they do it so I feel better about them. And that's the greatest reason for anybody to do anything.
Besides, people make far too much about suicide among women. Suicide is like writing your name in the snow with your urine, women just aren't very good at it. Women attempt suicide three times as often as do men. But men succeed at it three times as often as women. Simply put, for every woman that attempts suicide, a guy somewhere actually pulls it off. Except, of course, for me. And to be fair, my friends and family all thought my penchant for auto-erotic asphixiation would have finished me off years ago.
Women don't succeed at suicide for a very simple reason, they are extraordinarily vain. The desire to leave a pretty corpse all shrouded in fucking lillacks or something precludes the most effective means of self-offery. Women almost universially refuse to shoot themselves in the face and the law allows Robert Blake to marry only one at a time.
The best part of the study is that it shows that its central finding - that implants lead to suicide - actually is false.
While the study did not look at the reasons behind the suicides, senior author Joseph McLaughlin, a professor of medicine at the Vanderbilt University School of Medicine, said he believed that many of the women had psychological problems before getting breast implants and that their condition did not improve afterward.
So this is more of a case of goofiness causing suicide. The plastic-canned corpses just had better acoutrements going to their final reward than most. Wanna hear a secret? Crazy people do weird shit sometimes. Go figure.
Previous studies have shown that up to 15 percent of plastic- surgery patients have body dysmorphic disorder, a psychological condition marked by severe distress over minor physical imperfections. People with the disorder have a higher rate of suicidal thoughts and rarely improve after plastic surgery.
I dispute the contention that
body dysmorphic disorder isn't a psychological disorder as much as it is a sexy, sexy one. And when I say "disorder" I mean "the greatest thing ever!" I can't think of anything more truly noble than the pursuit of wanting to look good for me. Okay, I forgot what
I look like for a second. And that small matter of my personality. So maybe it does make a girl batshit fucking crazy .... but only if she's doing it for me.
Here's my favorite part of the study - the group that was studied.
The latest study analyzed data from 3,527 Swedish women who got implants between 1965 and 1993. Breast-cancer patients who received implants as part of breast-reconstruction surgery were not included.
Can you think of three things that Sweden is known for that
aren't suicide? I got "Abba, suicide, and ... uhhhh ... suicide." Sweden has one of the highest suicide rates in the
world. You could make a plausible argument that has as much to do with Abba as it does big, fake tits.
See that woman on the right? That's
Kira Kener and she has the biggest, fakest tits ever! And she hasn't blown her head off. Want to know why? Because she isn't Swedish.
Story ruthlessly stolen from the Ace of Spades HQEasy Listening Recommendation of the Day: I Hate Myself and I Want to Die By: Nirvana
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