STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND: MY WEEKEND AS DAVID COVERDALE
I was born and raised in a pretty big city. While Toronto isn't is imposing as London, Los Angeles or New York, it has roughly as many people as Chicago or Houston spread out over a truly massive area. I'm used to big places full of rude people.
Actually, I'm used to it almost to a fault. Being in small towns tends to make me incredibly nervous. My father was from such a place and I hated visting it, even as a child. There's something about the possibility of getting shot in the face or propositioned by a transvestite that feels like home to me, I guess. Any of you from a similiar background will know what I mean.
When I broadened my dating circle in the late 1990's, I learned a great deal about smaller places. I frequently visited my great love, the wise and lovely Judy, at her home in Fremont, California. Judy was very quick to point out to me that Fremont was geographically very large, despite a population of only 200,000.
It turns out that she was right. Fremont is pretty big. I learned that this is because Fremont is a land of very small buildings. In the years that I was there, I never saw a building more than five stories high. If I can describe Fremont as anything, it would be as a prosporous suburb that didn't surround a city. And it had lots of palm trees. Not being overly familiar with them, I always wanted my picture taken with a palm tree. Alas, I never did, mostly because I hate having my picture taken.
Though I'll likely never be in Fremont again, I'll always smile when I think of it. There isn't another place on earth that anyone has loved me as completely as I was there. I miss that more than any of you will ever know. And I'm almost certain that I'll never have that again.
A couple of years later, I started seeing a woman from a really small town in Michigan. This place was frighteningly small compared to what I was used to. If anything, it reminded me of where my dad was from - a few plants and a hotel/bar where everybody got drunk pretty much all of the time.
To put things in perspective, the town or "city" listed a population of 10, 036 in the 2000 census. Not long before I visited the town, I was involved in supervising a single building that held more people than that.
Anyhow, I went there in October of 2004. It remains one of the weirdest experiences of my life. I knew that it would creep me out, but I loved that bitch with all of my heart and a sick part of me always will.
At the time, I was working in loss prevention - shorthand for arresting shoplifters. The day I went to Michigan, I started work at 10 in the morning and finished at 9 at night. I probably crossed 40 miles of the city during the course of my working day, which wasn't unusual. My last stop of the day was about 15 miles from my place, to which I returned to shower, shave and pack a bag. Then I took the subway about 20 miles to the Greyhound station downtown, which I arived at at midnight for a 1am departure.
Forgetting that I'm 15 feet tall, I stupidly thought that I could fall asleep on the bus. I even took a nappy-nap pill to ensure that I could. No dice. Seated next to me was a Universirty of Western Ontario student who wouldn't shut up. Worse than that, she was too hot to ignore. Worse still, she wouldn't shut up about her boyfriend. I'm lucky like that.
By the time she got off in London, it wasn't even worth going to sleep, knowing that I'd have to go through U.S Customs in a couple of hours.
I arrived in the United States at six in the morning, cleared Customs at 7 and arrived at the city nearest to my girlfriend at 8. Because she had to take her daughter to school, I was stuck, smoking in the rain, until about 9:15, when I was met by the best kiss of my life. Then we entertained her three-year-old son for for five or six hours before things got weird.
My time with my girlfriend's son was one of the happiest times of my life. Honest to God, I really thought I could have been that boy's dad at that moment. Actually, I still could. Her daughter, on the other hand was still attached to her daddy and therefore was problematic. My girlfriend's daughter was still very attached to her daddy, and her daddy wanted to both kill me and suck my cock.
Wanting her boyfriend to be neither murdered, nor sucked off by her felonious ex-husband, it was decided that I would be secreted at the local hotel/bar as she dropped off her kids. At that point, I had been awake for 43 hours.
As we pulled up to the bar, I did what pretty much anyone would do when leaving someone they love, I tried to kiss her. Not only was I told, "Don't kiss me," I was also told "Don't tell anyone in there that you know me."
"I'll be back in half an hour. I just have to drop the kids off. I love you."
"I love you, too." And then I got out of the car and faced the weirdest situation ever.
When I walked into that bar, I walked into .... 1987. Everywhere around me, I was surrounded by lepoard-print tops, acid washed jeans and giant hair.
I was trapped in a Whitesnake video.
The bartender even looked kind of like an early middle-aged, washed out, post -O.J, Tawny Kitaen. If I wasn't in love with someone else, semi-concious and terrified of everything, I probably would have have fucked her. I know what you're thinking - I can't help it if I'm lucky.
Remember how my girlfriend was supposed to pick me up in a half hour? That became an hour. Then two. Then three. And I'm drinking combinations of beer, Johhny Walker Black, coffee and Red Bull. Remember, I had been up the better part of two days at this point, and was terrified that I was trapped in the middle of nowhere. Trapped, half-drunk, half-asleep and buzzing from way too much caffeine.
It was probably the most horrifying thing I've ever been through.
I was in a bar and therefore had to order drinks. It didn't take long for the locals to realize that I wasn't possesed of the regional accent. Not only did I not have the regional accent, I was in a town where everybody knew one another. The entire fucking town was like the set of "Cheers." And these people didn't know me.
Some guy who looked sort of like a blonde Neil Young sat down next to me at the bar and decided that a round of "Let's Learn About the Stranger" was in order.
Remember, I'm specifically not allowed to mention my girlfriend's name, lest her ex-husband find out that I'm there and beat the shit out of, and/or fellate me. There I was, stuck in a Whitesnake video in the middle of small town America, and here I am, genetically incapable of being more Canadian. Furthermore, this town is too small to have anything that most civilized societies have, like buses, taxis or even a fucking limo company. I was trapped like a rat until my girlfriend decided to pick me up. And here I was, about to be interrogated by the locals.
"Hey," says local Neil Young.
"Hey," says I. For some odd reason, local Neil Young and I never exchange names. We're off to a winning start. I could fucking die in this bar and no one would ever know who I was, except "that guy with the funny hat who isn't from these parts."
"I've never seen you here before."
"No, I'm from out of town."
"Where are you from?"
"Toronto."
"Canada? I have friends who have been there. They say it's nice. What brings you here?"
I had been dreading that fucking question all day. I had been sitting there, too polite to be an American, sitting at a bar with a cup of coffee, a glass of Heinekin and a can of Red Bull in front of me, looking like the last person on earth who belonged in this place. I was stuck in 1987, with no way out and being forced to explain my futuristic ways.
Luckily, it was about three weeks before the presidential election. Michigan - and this county, in particular - were considered "swing" and therefore very important. That was my out. God, I'm fucking clever.
"I'm a writer. I'm here covering the election" I said. Strictly speaking, that was technically true. I was writing about the election. I just neglected to say that I was doing so here, on my dopey goddamn blog.
Thankfully, that seemed to satisfy him. Full as I was of booze, codeine, caffeine, exhaustion and fear, I might well have broken under any further pressure. Then I would face the prospect of getting murdered and/or sucked off by a still-closeted whackjob with interesting political ideas. After three hours in this place, the prospect of that started looking better and better.
Small town Neil Young decided that he knew everything that he had to. It was now time to discuss something he was more comfortable about, himself. He whined incessantly about how his wife disapproved of his golfing. I tried to supress my shock that the locals had even discovered golf. Were I forced to guess, I would have thought the passed the weekends with recreational lynching. But there were no minorities in this place, so they would have been forced to hang Methodists, or something.
As uncomfortable as I was, I told my new drinking buddy what I would tell any friend, that he had little choice but to drown his wife. It was sad to say, but it appeared that there were no other options left to him.
Before my new friend could take a swing at me, I felt a pair of arms wrapping around me from behind. The titanic knockers pressing into my back told me that my girlfriend had come to pick me up. I was curious as to why I couldn't mention her name for lo, those many hours, only to have her bullet hard nipples leave permanent impints in my back for all to see, but I had had enough trauma for one day.
The rest of the weekend was much better than that sad Friday. Easy Listening Recomendation of the Day: All About YouBy: The Rolling Stones From: Emotional Rescue
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What People Are Saying About skippy
"hands down, Canada's most underrated blog" Damian Penny, The Undisputed Dean of Canadian Political Bloggers. Posted at Daimnation , Saturday October 21, 2006
"You can count on “Skippy” to make you think in different ways about familiar issues. You can also depend on him to be rude, offensive, and outrageous – if you're offended by completely uninhibited sexual imagery (and imagination!), don't read Skippy – but your prudery will keep you from an often interesting perspective." Posted On: Jamulblog, July 12, 2007
"Your Maximum Leader is beginning to think that the less he posts, the better Skippy’s political posts are. Indeed, your Maximum Leader even thought (just a few short moments ago) that if your Maximum Leader just stopped blogging all together would Skippy just keep on writing enough good material for two blogs? (Admittedly one of those blogs would be an X-rated social commentary/diary site and the second a remarkably well-informed and insightful political commentary site…)" Posted On: Naked Villainy, September 18, 2007
"I love your writing. few could pull off sarcastic humor and self-loathing like you do. You've turned self-disgust
into an art form." Posted By:Ophelia July 19, 2003
"hahaha um, not funny" Posted By: Ophelia July 17, 2003
"This is not fucking funny." Posted By: Bee August 21, 2003
"I join Bee in saying that this isn''t funny AT ALL. jesus christ, Skippy." Posted By: Ophelia August 23,
2003
"You are obiviously being kept down by the Mud People." Posted By: DrReverend August 21, 2003
"I''ll give you $50.00 if you kill yourself." Posted By: DrReverend August 19, 2003
"Last time I read this blog." Posted By: Dave, October 24, 2003
"I think you should stop talking about killing yourself and ACTUALLY kill yourself. For fuck's sake, everybody is
tired of hearing about how you might, just do it or face the fact that you are too pathetic to even kill yourself."
Posted By: A Caring Guy, October 25, 2003
"If Joey Ramone were alive today he'd probably shit in your mouth." Posted By: DrReverend November 11,
"When you're good, you're good. When you're bad, you're even better. See you in hell." Posted By: Anna
November 11, 2003
"Skippy, if you can prove to me that giving head and swallowing will without a doubt keep lung cancer and heart
disease at bay, you've earned yourself a BJ." Posted By: Mary Magdalicious, December 5, 2003
"Wow...you know nothing about politics." Posted Dr. Reverend, December 26, 2003
"You are a dick and should think seriously about killing your stupid blog - go get a job, you big fag"Posted
By: Princess Paragonian, December 29, 2003
"You have a, how shall i say.... appealing 'tough', yet gently gay look." (Univited PM) Posted
by:Jus20012002, January 2, 2004 .
"I hope jesus doesn't kick you in the nuts."Posted By: Mary Magdalicious February 2, 2004
"Stumbled on to your blog by accident and i must say alot of the stuff had me in stitches. Love it" Posted
By:Jeremy February 4, 2004
" .....sick."Posted By: Bee February 7, 2004
"Hey Skippy, you ever consider running for public office in the states? I know some people in the West Virginia state
government and our Senator can't live forever.Hell, even Strom, Thomas-Jefferson-Fan, Thurmond died
eventually.Posted By: Ford W. Mavrick, February 9, 2004
Wow, for someone who is so opinionated, you really don't know shit about American or Canadian culture. You appear to
know even less about history." Posted By: Dr. Reverend February 13, 2004
"Your blog's the best I have come across in a long time. I may not agree with all you say but the verve with which
you say it and the humour and irreverance is terrific. These days when the media just reproduces the handout from central
control, blogs like yours do a great deal to form informed opinion in a democratic society. Thanks. Keep it up."
Posted By:Anandan February 13, 2004
"SKIPPY pities ME? Where's my noose?" Posted By: Kilgore Trout March 22, 2004
"Jesus Skippy. Now Allah is going to kick you in the nuts" Posted By: Mary Magdalicious March 22, 2004
"I could make one that says "Skippy has a small penis" although his cock is superb. Posted By: Bestest Pussy March 23,2004
"Cunt sucking is for bitches.You're considered one of the girls because you dress like one. Posted By: Dr. Reverend March 24, 2004
"John Malkovich is one sexy bastard. I have such a thing for him. And I never realized til now, Skippy, how much you resemble John Malkovich...this, by default, makes you also one sexy bastard. See how that works?" Posted By: Zombie March, 26, 2004
"Too bad you live up north. It could have been beautiful.
Ever since I started coming here and saw your pic I wondered why you weren't getting more action. You are not a bad looking guy at all.
Maybe the girls are just...well, that's enough kindness for one day." Posted By: Serenity March 26, 2004
"Hell, if they make gay marriage legal, I'll marry you..." Posted By: Outpatient March 26, 2004
"You look creepier than the REM faggot. But he looks much more like a homersexual." Posted By: Dr. Reverend March 27, 2004
"Skippy, your hits will go up again if you post pictures of your man nipples. Lots of man nips." Posted By: Mary Magdalicious April 15, 2004
"What the fuck? You turning faggot? Posted By: Dr. Reverend April 16, 2004
"Sometimes it gets to be just a little too much. Sharing, that is." Posted By: Bee May 23, 2004
"I'll give you $5.00 if you make the fucking font you use on your blog bigger.
I'll give you $50.00 if you stop fucking writing about American politics.
I'll give you $500.00 if you fucking kill youself." Posted By: Dr. Reverend May 26, 2004
"Of course women like jerks.
Why the fuck do you think they like me?
I guess you've learned nothing from me over all these years." Posted By: Dr. Reverend May 29, 2004
"Sometimes a bitch just has to die." Posted By: Ford W. Maverick May 29, 2004
"It looks like we have more in common than the swastikas carved in our foreheads."Posted By: Dr. Reverend May 29, 2004
"This might be a shallow and 'Waiting-for-Godot-like' comment but...you seem to have not only brains but also beauty." Posted By: Nietzscheswife June 7, 2004
"Skippy, you are such a twisted bastard. Seriously. Why haven't we had sex yet?"Posted By: 0phelia June 25, 2004
"Just found your site. I find some of the things you say quite disgusting. And really quite enjoyable,so keep up the good work."Posted By: Big Al June 28, 2004
"I've read most of your blog. I'd say that so far it's the best I've come across, and believe me, I've seen a few. It's funny, well written (except for the spelling...) and interesting. There will always be those few idiots who just don't get it. It's useless to get worked up about it." Posted By: Johnny June 30, 2004
"Skippy... Go for the facial tattoo. I dig em', and fuck what those other bitches think. You can always bite their tits off if they back talk you." Posted By: Mary Magdalicious July 1, 2004
"Go fuck yourself up your butt." Posted By: Reek Stankleberry July 6, 2004
"Well if ass-fucking won't keep Satan away, I just don't know what will." Posted By: Dr. Reverend July 7, 2004
"dude, you're killing me. keep it up." Posted By: Son of Nixon July 22, 2004
"Are you always either naked or in a suit?" Posted By: Rehella July 22, 2004
"That person should speak for himself or herself. 'Cause you really are that much of a cunt, skippy." Posted By: Kilgore Trout August 4, 2004
"I've read you for a long time but have never commented before. That isn't a slight to your great writing ability, it's mainly because I don't want to be seen here!" Posted By: Paul August 4, 2004
" Dead on. Bulls-eye. I take back what I said about you being a cunt. For now." Posted By: Kilgore Trout August 4, 2004
"Know what, Skippy? You're alright." Posted By: Anna August 18, 2004
"Excellent work. Damn you for being so dead on." Posted By: The Maximum Leader August 24, 2004
"Skippy, fuck the puppy idea. Try getting a monkey that smokes. That will get you laid." Posted By: Mary Magdalicious August 27, 2004
"As to the beard - I like the clean shaven better - and what's wrong with a bald head? Bald heads are hot on some guys - unfortunately most can't pull it off * sigh * You look like you can pull it off though and that's a good thing - not a bad.
BTW, love your blog. I saw it in my referrers and thought it was just a random hit. Then I started reading and found you to be hilarious - it was only after about 10 posts that I noticed you linked me. I was more than flattered - linked by someone I was about to link anyway - awesome. Thanks" Posted By: Kinky August 27, 2004
"Fuckin' Goy bastard." Posted By: Dr Reverend December 19,2004
"Who does a guy have to sleep with to get one of his Skippy quotes pasted to the sidebar?
Great googly-moogly." Posted By: Smallholder December 20, 2004
"Are you a child molester or what's the story?" Posted By: Fukinator, December 28, 2004
"Sick dude." Posted By: DCayer December 29, 2004
"You officially suck." Posted By: Sorry, January 22, 2005
"I heart you, Skippy" Posted By: Karinsky, January 25, 2005
"As I've stated before, you were quite skilled in bed and I had no need to fake any of my multiple orgasms." Posted By: 0phelia, June 30, 2005
"I love Skippy. I swear I do. The only blogger more twisted than me." Posted on: Velociworld, July 26, 2005
" You are so fucking ignorant about America. And while the American people ARE stupid, so are you." Posted By: Bill Lassiter, August 2, 2005
"How can you not love a man who hates himself so viciously?" Posted on: It's All About De , August 31, 2005
"If I wasn't positive that all Canadian men had tiny penises, I'd be all over that Skippy." Posted On: It's All About De
"I've seen pictures of you and I'd say you're fuckable." Posted By: Joan, September 29, 2005
" I love your posts on Canadian politics even more than I love your posts on porn.
And I love your porn posts.
Why the hell do you waste all this talent on the internet? Write a book or something, goddammit! Posted By: Cliff S., November 17, 2005
"Let it never be said that underneath your self-cavilling, bitter (yet strangely egomaniacal) surface that you never take the time to give the people what they want. Even if it's just one people. Gawd bless you, Skippy! Posted By: Locke, November 18, 2005
"Wow! I don't know that I've ever been flattered and yet somewhat revolted at the same time... It's an interesting sensation." Posted By: Dewey in Toronto, December 1, 2005
"Very often, debating you is like playing whack a mole: You pop up some premised assertion moles, I pull out my mallet and start whacking, then you pop up more premised assertion moles - which are mostly or completely unrelated to the original moles I was whacking at. Your stock of moles seemingly stretches into infinity. And yet, an endless supply of moles does not equate to cogent argument.
Very often, debating you is like speaking to a salesman who will not answer a particular direct question, and instead flies off on the flight of rhetorical splendor known as "baffling them with bullshit." I'm impressed with your rhetorical skills, and your IQ, and your accumulation of knowledge. I'm impressed that I'm the American citizen, yet you might have a more thorough knowledge of the American Constitution than I. And yet, these impressive things are not substitutes for cogent argument."Posted By; gcotharn, December 21, 2005
"Besides, you seem to think you're the least respectable person I know. While you're often right, you're wrong on that count. Careful, I might out YOU as a nice guy. Or something." Posted By: Dewey In Toronto, December 27, 2005
"I've been to Toronto. The most dangerous thing I saw there was an 11 foot tall red head with shaved balls."Posted By: Judy, December 31, 2005
"There was this "Caught on Tape!" video I watched back in my highschool days where one of the scenes shows two people starting to cross the railroad tracks. One looks up at the last minute and sees the train, the other does not. In the commercial, it cuts away just before the train does its thing, but the video...
Your blog is like a twisted version of the video. We know the train is going liquify you in shocking gory fashion, but that's why we keep coming back. It's so much more fun that we both know the train is coming and you still gleefully walk into its path...and we love you all the more for it." Posted By:Locke, January 13, 2006
"Fuck. I'm hooked." Posted By: DeAnna, January 14, 2006
"Your Maximum Leader has found Skippy's commentary more insightful and interesting than anyone elses. So now he supposes that Skippy will go back to writing about porn and strippers he meets in the subway." Posted By: The Maximum Leader on Naked Villainy January 24, 2006
"Slightly crazed is fine, but with the beard you look like a total nutjob. If you ever hope to get laid again, for fuck's sake, Skippy, NEVER, EVER grow a saddam beard. You're welcome."Posted By: The Lady O, 28 January, 2006
"Maybe we should get married. My readers could support us by purchasing my worn panties and you could be the panty pimp." Posted By; Joan 28 January 2006
" I know it must be hard for you...being objectified by women all the time. But come on, how can they really help themselves? Have you seen yourself lately? Your pheramones preceed you into a room (as does your crotch). Don't blame it all on them...you did choose to leave your house. :D" Posted By: Joan, 3 February, 2006
"Skippy, you sarcastic twerp." Posted By: Arwen, 8 February 2006
"Just so you know.. if I had to choose between Moussaoui or Skippy.. You'd win. Even if I know what an asshole you are. Posted By; Judy, 13 February 2006
"I'd be willing to sign a legal document stating that is IS ok, in fact, to masturbate whilst thinking of me." Posted By: DeAnna (Who seems unaware of my reputation as an outlaw) February 24, 2006
"Feel free to masturbate while thinking of me...actually, do you need some of my panties to help you with that?" Posted By: Joan, February 24, 2006
"I blame myself for this. I have been too lenient with you. Your Godless behaviour must come to an end. You will receive a severe beating this weekend and I am contemplating removing your testicles." Posted By: Dr. Reverend, February 24, 2006
"Just remember skippy, the US never threw a fit when you smuggled your own personal WMD over the border twice a year. After all, it wasn't like you were hiding in your pants or anything.
All's fair in love and war, so to speak." Posted By: Judy, April 4, 2006
"Wow...nothing hotter than a man willing to issue fatwas for pussy." Posted By: Joan, April 16, 2006
"You sir, are a brilliant writer." Posted By: Judy, May 4, 2006
"I think I'm falling in love." Posted By: DeAnna, May 11, 2006
"THIS IS THE MOST DIABOLICAL FALSITY YOU HAVE EVER ENGAGED IN!!!!
I was intending to kick you in the face upon our next meeting, but now it's obvious that I must douse your scrotum in kerosene and set your testicles aflame. Alas, it is the only way you will learn." Posted By: Dr. Reverend, May 12, 2006
"And i would like to commend you on some excellent blogging. This particular story would normally warrant a few cryptically humorous lines and a link. To an ordinary blogger. But you managed to wring an essay of New Yorker-esque proportions out of it. That takes talent. Your beautiful young friend is right. I see big things for you in the future." Posted By: Annika, June 4, 2006
" I like a man who will unabashedly tell someone his penis size because hes unashamed. Thats hot.
*raises hand* I'll take that 6.5, thank ya" Posted By: Kinky, June 6, 2006
"Elvis, like skippy, is the very definition of rock and roll. Posted By: Rube, June 10, 2006
" I'm beginning to think you're the only good man left in the world, skippy. WTF?" Posted By: By: DeAnns, June 11, 2006
"Just so everyone knows.
Skippy does indeed, taste like bacon.
And, any guy who doesn't know cum tastes good to real women, is clueless." Posted By: Judy, July 2, 2006
"There was a British columnist whose work was described as 'a suicide note in weekly installments.'
This blog is sort of like that." Posted By: Gadfly, July 6, 2006
"Jeez, Skippy. Sometimes I really hate coming here." Posted By: Cynlee, July 18, 2006
"Someone needs to throttle you with a riding crop...truly!" Posted By: Joan, July 18, 2006
"Holy mother of god. I just had an orgasm. It's official: I'm devoting the rest of my life to you, skippy." Posted By: DeAnna, July 19, 2006
"Skippy, sometimes I'm not quite sure of your sanity, but you are without a doubt the baddest morning news reading, quiz show hosting, talent introducing PIMP in the motherfuckin' blogosphere." Posted By: Shank, July 19, 2006
