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Tuesday, October 16, 2007
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 THE WIDE STANCE RETURNETH HOME
Idaho senator Larry Craig has touched a place deep within each of us. I don't think anyone can deny that now. There's something about Larry that has set off a chain reaction of men hitting on other men and then denying that they're gay when they get caught.
Of course, Larry Craig isn't gay. He said he wasn't and I can't imagine a Republican would lie about something like that, can you? That would not only be wrong, it would be something that hasn't happened in at least a month!
I'm not sure that I or anyone could say that Senator Craig is an influence on the Vatican. Larry's only been in Congress since 1982 and the One True Church has been engaged in all manner of sexual hijinks for a thousand years. True, they've only perfected said hijinks in the last forty years, but they've been at it for a really long time. Apparently practice really does make perfect.
The Vatican has traditionally had better excuses when accused of sexual contact contrary to their vows, too. Not for them the convoluted explanations of a "wide stance" whilst taking a dump. Oh no, the Catholic hierarchy has always responded with a simple "fuck you" and left it at that. The classics never really do go away, now do they?
Well, leave it to the Vatican itself to kick things up a notch and show Larry how things are really done.
Monsignor Tommaso Stenico is apparently some kind of Big Fish in Vatican City. Apparently, he was caught on tape propositioning a young man, which shocked everyone because, seriously, who would expect such behaviour from a Catholic priest?
Well, Monsignor Tommy has the best excuse of all!
Monsignor Tommaso Stenico, 60, a member of the Vatican's Congregation of the Clergy, suspended for being caught on video making advances to a young man, explained that he is not gay, and that his controversial activities were work-related. Unless Stenico is a lot more convincing than I think he is, that almost never works. Don't ask me how I know that, just know that I do.
The official explained in a published interview Sunday that his actions were for the purpose of gathering information about "those who damage the image of the Church with homosexual activity," as told by the Associated Press. Having been raised Catholic, I've noticed a pattern in these stories. Traditionally, when a priest is accused of inappropriate sexual conduct, "those who damage the image of the Church" are almost never the priests in question. It's a variation of the "blame the victim" defense that has proven so unpopular with non-Catholics. But "you shouldn't have worn those short pants, you little cock-tease" is still perfectly acceptable for the Church.
Therefore, it stands to reason that homosexuals of the non-collared variety are the real problem. How could they not be?
Mgr Stenico revealed that he had been frequenting gay chat rooms and meeting with gay men in order to fulfill his duties to his studies as a psychoanalyst. Most notable among those duties seems to be finding out why he craves cock so much. That would seem to be a pretty good place to start.
The scandal was publicized after a television program named La7, which the Guardian explained as the only channel not under the ownership of the state, aired a six-minute scene secretly filmed from within the walls of a Vatican office. And it was Stenico's office that caused the problem. The Monsignor's face wasn't shown in the video, but Vatican officials identified him by the office itself. Yeah, I know ... opps.
The video showed a young man telling Mgr Stenico that he was "about to commit a sin," according to The Guardian. Mgr. Stenico replied by saying that it did not feel like a sin to him. How can something that feels so right be wrong?
Reports said that the videotape was intentionally taken covertly by the young man, who wanted to expose to the public the hypocrisy that existed within the Catholic church. He explained that he had met the Mgr in an internet chatroom, wherein the agreement was made for them to meet and engage in homosexual activities.
The Guardian quoted Mgr. Stenico in an interview with the Corriere della Sera newspaper, explaining that he agreed to engage in homosexual activities because he "wanted to carry out a study, probably for publication...about how priests are ensnared." He backed up the claim by insisting on having the license to practice psychology and psychotherapy. Firstly, I'm not sure that there's anyone left that hasn't been exposed to the hypocrisy of the Catholic church. They're actually rather famous for it, and it may actually be on their business cards at this point.
Secondly, the Church's problems aren't going away until they drop this canard about how "priests are ensnared." Look, we've all heard about how enticing twelve-year-old boys can be and very few of us are buying it. The sooner you admit that homos are pretty much much the only people left who want to be priests, the better off everyone will be.
Mgr. Stenico was also quoted by the Associated Press in his interview with La Repubblica that the entire thing was "false", and it was all "a trap. I was a victim of my own attempts to contribute to cleaning up the church with my psychoanalyst work." Oh, it was a sting operation? Like O.J Simpson's! Those always work! I suggest adding that the queer kid from the chatroom also had some of your sports memorbilia. Who knows, the Vatican might be given to believing things that the Las Vegas Police Department isn't. Adding that guns are illegal in Vatican City and that left you with no other weapon with which to get your stuff back but your penis also has the benefit of making a compelling Second Amendment argument.
I'm building this theory, but I'm not sure how solid it is. I'm beginning to believe that Larry Craig is about to come out ..... as a Catholic priest. He could certainly learn a thing or two.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Modern Love By: David Bowie From: Let's Dance
PermalinkLabels: I Fought The Law, Laughter Joy and Lonliness and sex and sex and sex
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