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Thursday, November 15, 2007
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 OH, THE HARD-NIPPLED HUMANITY: LINDSAY LOHAN FACES JUSTICE
I awoke with a throbbing, painful erection this morning. Granted, this is an everday occurence, but this was different. This was a tingling throughout my extremities and a boiling in my testicles. My vision was blurry and I had trouble concentrating.
Yes, I'm like this every morning before I masturbate for the second time, but today the sensations intensified. I thought that I might be having a stroke, but a sexy, sexy stroke. Frankly, I would have been more concerned if the whole experience wasn't so intensely erotic. Of course, I was alone as I tragically am most mornings.
After some time to clear my head, I knew that the tingling was my starlet sense alerting me that something was wrong. And that it almost certainly involved Lindsay Lohan.
I knew that the relentless pounding caused by 96.3% of my body's blood collecting in my penis would not abate until I learned what had happened to my precious Lindsay. But I had to go to work, so it had to wait. Needless to say, my powerfully protuding genitals distracted both myself and everyone around me all day. Some were threatened, some fell in love, but everyone who knows me knew that something was amiss.
 When I returned to my humble abode and consulted that source of Universal Truths, the Internet. Almost immediately, I learned that Lohan and her magnificent tits and tight little ass her attorney had arrived at the Lynwood jail in Los Angeles to face justice. Whether she was wearing a bikini remains unknown.
It's been a long hard road for La Lohan. Her misunderstandings with California's law enforcement community are now legendary. The misunderstandings - mostly involving impaired driving, possession of cocaine and the god-given right of hard-nippled harlots to engage in both of the above - are well documented. What everyone seems to have forgotten is that the black kid did it.
Just as Jesus was, Lindsay is being persecuted. And just like Jesus, Lohan forgives them for they know not what they do. It should be noted that Jesus has never been the cause of extreme bloating in my scrotum. I guess that He just isn't my type.
As wrongheaded as it might seem, the state of California insists on proving that people that actually do cause extreme bloating in my scrotum aren't above the law when the clearly are. But for whatever reason, they insist on keeping up the charade. And who suffers? Lindsay Lohan, that's who. She's paying for everybody's sins.
Isn't it about time that we all recognized that celebrities with fantastic racks and beautifully barren cooters are above trivialities like law, order and justice? And even if you're one of those cold-hearted, thick-skulled monsters who disagrees, can't we always have Paris and just let go?
 Look, celebrity life has enough indignities already. How well do you think you'd handle the pressure of having a different bikini every day, being followed entlessly by paparazzi and never wearing underwear? Could you deal with people like me masturbating to your image no fewer than six times a day?
But it isn't all glamour. Oh no, rehab and correctional facilities are increasingly mandatory, too.
And the persecution and humiliation are seemingly endless. It just seems like its over in 84 minutes.
Lindsay Lohan reported to the Lynwood jail on Thursday to serve her minimum 24-hour sentence as part of her plea deal in her two DUI cases – and checked out 84 minutes later.
According to the sheriff's department Web site, the actress turned herself in at 10:30 a.m., and was released at 11:54 a.m. The jail has a long-standing policy of releasing non-violent offenders early due to overcrowding.
"Ms. Lohan was cooperative," sheriff's spokesman Steve Whitmore tells PEOPLE. "She was fingerprinted, photographed, and put in a holding cell, but was let go due to our early release policy."  One can safely assume that, like all of Lynwood's inmates, Lindsay was subjected to a strip-search - for purely security reasons, of course. The only difference between Lindsay Lohan being strip-searched and you getting strip-searched is that you aren't likely to come out of yours with fourteen engagement rings. It is conservatively estimated that it will take around-the-clock teams of gynocologists and proctologists several months just to find them all.
It seems pretty obvious that Lindsay has learned her lesson. But have you been deterred in any way by her example? Will you stop driving while impaired and taking cocaine into correctional facilities? Of course you won't. Those things are too much fun to give up and I don't think Lindsay wants you to stop doing them. Indeed, you should continue doing them specifically because Lindsay can't.
Yes, she'll be lonely without those past times. But always know that she'll always have those fantabulous funbags and beautiful butt cheeks to keep her warm at night and all those pig cops, lawyers and judges don't. That my friends is the only justice a woman like Lindsay Dee Lohan answers to. And perhaps that's how it should be.
But back to the really important issue here: my penis. It just occurred to me that I woke up at 10 am Eastern time. Lindsay was booked at 10:30 am Pacific time. The awesome swelling in my groin this morning wasn't just a demented form of sympathy pains for someone I cherish with all of my jizz, they were a motherfucking premonition!
That's right, my genitals have psychic powers, unlike that fairy Matt Damon. I bet the editors of People feel pretty stupid now. Who's the Sexiest Man Alive now, People?
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Johnny 99 By: Bruce Springsteen From: Nebraska
PermalinkLabels: Celebrity Skin, I Fought The Law
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