I've long lived by the maxim that when life hands you a lemon, you should get a bottle of tequilla and drink yourself silly. On the other hand, I'm a strong believer that even when life doesn't hand you a lemon, you should still drink an entire bottle of tequilla. This is because my life is an unending nightmare and I'd be grateful for a fucking lemon.
That's why I love girls with drug and alcohol problems. Whenever they get a little out of control, they almost always end up doing things that they'll regret when they're sober. You'd be surprised how often that involves deep-throating me. Really, you would! When women sit down to write the list of things they've done and later regretted, my name appears in the top five with shocking regularity. You know when I'll have found "the one?" When a girl remembers being double-teamed by me and
Emmanuel Lewis without crying
. I'm pretty sure the erstwhile Webster feels that way, too.
For obvious reasons, rehab is my mortal enemy - the Road Runner to the Wile E. Coyote that is my libido, if you will. There I am, just minding my own business and masturbating in an alley, when another hot, fucked up chick goes to rehab. Before I know it, me and my demented sex drive gets hit with an anvil.
Much has been made of Lindsay Lohan's "problems," particularly when she was twice charged with drunk driving. Since I went to a "special" school, I heard about her run-ins with the law and thought, "So she's tied with Cheney, so what? Does she get to run secret prisons in Poland and commit an impeachable offense a day now?"
Unfortunately, most people aren't as smart as I am. They saw the car wreck that is Lindsay's life and thought "Oh no! That girl needs help before she does something she regrets," forgetting that the things that she'd regret likely include me. If you didn't understand my misanthropy before, you should now.
Since the days when a couple of DUI convictions are all it takes to become the most powerful vice president in American history appear to be over, Lindsay knew that she'd have to change her ways. When the frightful day that she entered rehab finally came, penises worldwide were at half mast as their owners whistled
"Taps" and wept. Men of my generation will remember that horrible day with the same nightmarish clarity that our parents remember the Kennedy assassination.
Everyone with inflatible genitals was worried about what rehab would do to our patron sain of pointless whorishness. Getting sober has a sad and terrible habit of taking everything people like me loves out of a woman. Would something as evil as sobriety give Lindsay the wrongheaded clarity to stop flashing the best parts of her tight, freckled little body to the world? Would we stop hearing the tawdry, yet wonderful tales of exploratory lesbianism? Would she hook up with some neandrathal
wigger?Wiggers are among the most dangerous species of monster known to man. Not only have they set back the civil rights movement by several hundred years, they have been known to destroy perfectly good celebrity whores and turn them into nothing more than objects of ridicule.
If you doubt that, just look at Britney Spears. She married a wigger, shit out a couple of his heathen offspring, and now look at her. She's shaving her head and crashing into parked cars. So insidious is the power of the wigger that K-Fed now looks like a responsible parent.
That's why you should punch the next caucasian you see with a backward baseball cap and no belt diretcly in the face. Don't just do it for me, do it for the ghost of what Britney Spears used to be and the memory of everything Martin Luther King stood for. The next time I see a white kid flashing a gang sign that he couldn't possibly hope to understand, I expect to be the result of his fingers being broken beyond repair.
There's a reason that right-thinking black people everywhere want to throttle wiggers. I can't imagine anything more insulting than a middle-class white kid appropriating the worst racial stereotypes and making them a part of their identity. Imagine if, say, West Virginia became some sort of cultural Mecca and the streets of Beijing were littered with guys dressed as coal miners and fucking their sisters, and you might begin to understand my hatred.
But I digress.
My most horrid fears came to fruition when it was reported that La Lohan had indeed hooked up with a wigger in rehab. Although I shouldn't have been, I was shocked and saddened. However, I shouldn't have been surprised. I've seen the terrible consequences of a drug and alcohol-free life before and I'm sure that I'll see them again. But there are certain monstrosities to which the human spirit can never be innured. Lindsay Lohan fucking a discount version of K-Fed is but one of them.
As a man who hasn't who hasn't had a decent night's sleep since Watergate due to twisted, sick and ungodly reminders of the human experience and everything it represents, even this was beyond the pale. Whenever I close my eyes, I see visions of Lindsay spreading her her legs for a malovelent sexual presence like Riley Giles. Then when I imagine her actually enjoying his malignant cock, I wake up screaming.
My mood picked up somewhat when I learned that Giles was an "extreme sports professional." This is because I've deen devopling an extreme sport of my own. It invoves tying Riley Giles up in barbed wire, settiling him on fire, and pushing him into an elevator shaft. If he survives that, I'd tear off his face with a claw-hammer and wear it as a mask as I go to visit Li-Lo. Some guys play golf. Riley isn't the only one with a passing familiarity with the extreme.
Fortunately for everyone, the intial shock of La Lohan's sudden sobriety wore off and she dropped Riley Giles with the same determination that she did her better habits.
Equally as fortunate, Giles rebounded by picking himself up, dusting himself off, and selling the tale of what a perfect little fuck machine Lindsay Lohan is
to the British media.Wiggers are nothing if not classy.
Ladies, if I've said this once, I've said it a million times. If you don't want some useless scumbag spilling the details of your sexual appetites to the British tabloids, don't ever fuck a professional snowboarder. No good can come of it, Fuck a professional loser instead. We almost never go to the media.
Okay, I'm a sexual mutant. I understand that. I've brought women off a lot. I never thought that I'd hear the phrase "you broke my clit," but I have. Often.
I'm not bragging. God, I wish I was. I just recognize that I'm horribly disfigured and have a represnhible personality. It isn't unusual for me to bring a lady to climax three times in a hour. My personal record is seven female orgasms in day. One of my lady friends was so shocked at cumming four times in a day that she never saw me again. She was also my only natural redhead. And she didn't seem to like having her pussy eaten. That hurt, but what are going to do?
I somehow doubt that Lindasy would have that problem.
I devoted the better part of my life to understanding young women like Lindsay Lohan and their needs. I know how they dreamed as young girls of being tied down, shaved, choked and having their hair pulled as all of their openings are lovingly, yet sternly filled by an older man with a shaved head and an orange beard. Let's just say that it isn't an uncommon fantasy.
