 ED RENDELL RUINS EVERYTHING
I haven't made much of a secret of my desire to fuck Chelsea Clinton really hard. I think that she's cute, has a tight little body, and can't think of a way you can go wrong in banging a presidential daughter. I'd fuck the Bush girls, too, but they drink more than I do and I'd feel like less of a man afterward.
There's another reason that I dig Chelsea so much. Lesbians do.
There are few people that I find myself in more frequent agreement with than dykes. They're right on pretty much everything except the fucking Indigo Girls. And I still can't figure out what the fuck's up with that. But I'm willing to overlook that since I'm so magnanimous.
And when lesbians love somebody, they really love them.
Chelsea Clinton stopped traffic Friday night as she wandered the streets of Philadelphia on a gay bar crawl, winning rave reviews for both her politics and her appearance.
Led around the neighborhood by Gov. Ed Rendell, Chelsea was mobbed by local gays and lesbians, as she walked from one club to the next. They ran up to hug her, posed for pictures and certainly invaded her personal space.
"I grabbed her ass," one young woman exclaimed to her friends after snapping a picture with her arm around the former first daughter. It's really too bad that lesbians are so shy. If I was there, I would have started by grabbing Chelsea's ass, but continued on to give her a three hour rimjob, stopping only when she proposed marriage to me. And if you ever wondered how I got banned from Philadelphia's gay bar scene when I was eight years old, now you know.
 But what gets me the most is the fact that Governor Ed Rendell seems to be everywhere at once. He's like Orwell's Big Brother. Not only is he holding a televised press conference every time someone so much as spells "Pennsylvania" wrong, he's regular at the gay bars, too? That motherfucker sure gets around.
I can't figure out how Rendell was elected anything other than president of the Ed Asner Look-Alike society, but there he is; former mayor of Philadelphia, former chairman of the Democratic National Committee, and the current governor of Pennsylvania.
And the homos love Ed in a fairly substantial way.
Rendell appeared to be in his element. As Chelsea posed for more photos inside Bump, the governor held court outside, quizzing onlookers about Pennsylvania history, and grabbing the phone of one voter to talk to his undecided mother. He acknowledged to the caller that there were two good Democratic candidates, but said he thought Hillary would do a better job.
"OK, governor, don't run my minutes up," the man said, trying to get the phone back from Rendell.
Rendell has toured gay bars in Philadelphia since the 1970s, he said, and made a similar trek for John Kerry in 2004. Fast Eddie is like Jesus to the queer crowd. He shows up with some random politicians, tells the homos to vote for him or her, and they do! It's like motherfucking magic.
I'm not sure what hold Rendell has over Pennsylvania's homosexuals. Maybe he sings a mean version of the songs of Tori Amos. Perhaps he knows all the words to "Lady Marmelade." Or maybe it's just as simple as the fact that he's a bear. Who can say for sure? But here I was, with my pants around my ankles, hoping for Chelsea Clinton to encounter some unexpected but unforgetable sapphic fun. But Ed Rendell ruined it for me, just like he ruins everything for me, the prick. I wish I could remember where I put my enemies list. Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: A Postcard to Nina By: Jens Lekman From: Night Falls Over Kortedala Permalink Labels: Celebrity Skin, Fun With Politics, The Girls In My Life
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