I was explaining these things to my brother-in-law and secretly hoping that we would have something to bond over. As you might imagine, I'm nothing if not a family man.
At the conclusion of my rather lengthy dissertation, the man my sister married and fathered my beautiful nephew and niece said something that shocks me to this day. He looked me dead in the eye and said "Dude, she has a man jaw!"
I was in shock. I honestly don't remember throwing the heavy crystal ashtray against the wall and swinging the half-full bottle of Johnny Walker Black that I carry everywhere wildly, but I'm not denying that I did. It was the kind of rage that induces blackouts and memory loss. The kind of rage that I usually reserve for my professional life.
Luckily, I try to keep a veternarian's needle full of horse tranquilizer in every room that I'm likely to occupy during the course of a day. Once I lower my pants and shoot up into my wang, I'm usually rational again in mere minutes. Laugh all you want, but lives have been saved by those needles. Once I'm sufficiently calmed, I lay down and masturbate violently to visions of
Zombie, De, Joan and Rosario Dawson as Jeremiah Wright puts a cold cloth on my forehead.
Unfortunately, I was warned about masturbating violently in front of my brother-in-law, and he isn't the kind to apply a cold cloth on my forehead anyway, so I tried to explain the intellectual folly of his position. As calmly as I could, I noted that all of the parts of Jessica Simpson that aren't her jaw gretatly mitigate the parts that are.
"What it all comes down to," I explained. "Is that you really only need a woman's face for the beginning of a sexual encounter. And the end of one. In between, it's all beneath the waitline, sunshine."
My brother-in-law laughed and laughed and laughed. And then he ran out of the room to tell my sister how funny I am. The point is that we're closer for the experience, and we have Jessica Simpson to thank for it.
I find myself frequently conflicted about "men's magazines" like
GQ and
Esquire. They present themselves as authorities on "what women want," but in reading their advice it becomes clear that they have the perspective of every woman's gay friend. But they present hot photospreads of celebrities that I'd very much like to have abort my children, so I buy them anyway.
The problem is that those fuckheads don't know anything about marketing.
This month's issue of
Esquire is a prime example. These "gentlemen" got Jessica Simpson, the owner of the most glorious funbags on earth that don't belong to my beautiful girlfriend, to display her marvelous cleveage to the world. And how do they present it? With her
shaving! And not even shaving something that each and every one of us wants to see her shave. They took a girl with one of the world's most beautiful bodies and made her look like a drag queen.
Look, I'm not going to deny that I've had sex with women who have better facial hair than I do, but I'm not about to put that fact out on newsstands worldwide either. Where in the fuck are these people's priorities?
To be fair, the
Esquire article has
several pictures that prominently feature her magnificent pokeys of doom, but those are deep in the magazine and difficult to find at your corner store when you're flipping through the magazine with one hand and fishing around inside of your pants with another. Masturbating in a convienience store is a pretty dangerous activity. That Korean at the counter tends to notice much more quickly than you would suspect. And he has the cops on speed dial. Trust me when I say that you don't have the time to futz through those smelly colonge ads to get to the good stuff.
While possessed of one of the greatest bodies ever, Jessica's career hasn't been going especially well of late. After "Major Movie Star," I think that she'd do pretty much anything to get on the cover of a magazine, up to and including stuffing a canned ham inside of herself. What does
Esquire do? They feature her shaving her face.
I'll never understand journalism.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Girls & Boys By: Prince & the Revolution
From: Parade
JESSICA SIMPSON BRINGS FAMILIES TOGETHER, INSPIRES HOMOEROTICISM IN MAGAZINE EDITORS
