 WHATEVER HAPPENED TO ALL OF THE FUN IN THE WORLD?
I don't like to look at Enjoy Every Sandwich as just another news outlet. There are trillions of those, although few of them are even remotely funny. I like to think that each and every one of my little essays carries within it a tiny piece of me that will stick to your dress forever.
That being the case, I'd like to share my thoughts about orgies with you. I like them, and the Nazi ones especially. You see, I consider myself something of a student of history and I've always been of the mind that you can learn important lessons in the unlikeliest places. And those places almost always include orgies. An orgy was after all where I learned long division.
I'm a man of endless and thrilling kinks. Having several women dressed as Nazi stormtroppers sexually menace me at once is enough to make me tremble in lust in my Warren Kinsella costume. There's something about big tits, a bullwhip and the stormtrooper cap that makes dressing like a punk rock autuer and chemical industry lobbyist feel like ..... home.
That's why I sympathize with the sad saga of Max Mosley. You know, it's getting so you can't spend a lovely $5,000 evening playing "burn the Reichstag" without everyone calling you an anti-Semite. And that's just wrong, as any fan of "Hogan's Heroes" will tell you.
In a video the paper posted on the Internet but later removed, two of the women wore black-and-white striped robes in the style of prisoners' uniforms. The video showed Mosley counting in German – "Eins! Zwei! Drei! Vier! Funf!" – as he used a leather strap to lash one of the women.
"She needs more of ze punishment!" he cried in German-accented English.
One woman appeared to search his hair for lice while another called off items on an inspection list. Mosley, naked, was bound face-down and lashed more than 20 times. Now, if you don't think that's sexy, I just don't know what's wrong with you. No wonder so many of you can't get laid. Furthermore, if you don't know the importance of getting checked for lice, then I have no choice but to suggest that you just might be a public health hazard.
Okay, the whole sexy, sexy affair is a touch complicated by the fact Max Mosely was sired by Britian's First Family of Fascism.
Sir Oswald Mosley, Max's father, was a Labour minister, and an MP for both the Conservative and Labour parties in the 1920s. In the 1930s he became leader of the British Union of Fascists.
By 1934, Mosley was expressing anti-Semitic views and his marches though Jewish districts led to riots.
He secretly married socialite Diana Mitford in 1936 at the home of Nazi propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels. Adolf Hitler was one of only six guests. While spending Eliot Spitzer money to be flogged by several Teutonic temptresses might not make you a bad guy, getting married at Joseph Goebbels' house just might. On the other hand, the quality of the wedding photos would be outstanding.
 Needless to say, the family tree complicates matters for young Max somewhat. It isn't necessarily fair that the sins of the father fall upon an otherwise healthy perversion, but life is rarely fair. I learned that when I was three and tried to hire nine hookers to breast-feed me, and they laughed at my Spiderman underoos. That wasn't fair either. But it did lead to my humiliation fetish, and for that I'm grateful.
And I think the Goddamn Liberal Media are blowing this all out of proportion. Okay, so Max Mosley likes hookers to dress up and beat his ass with a belt. Who doesn't for Christ's sake? I would suggest that the only thing kinkier that having a half-dozen hookers check you for lice is trying to videotape it as a non-participant.
Domination and submission fantasies aren't unusual, and they not infrequently involve fascist themes. But who in the fuck gets turned on by the prospect of being Woodward and Bernstein? Other than me, that is.
Is Mosley a public figure, and therefore fair game? I suppose so, but he's a guy who arranges for daredevils to make 250 mile-per-hour left hand turns, so that argument is kind of a stretch. This isn't David Beckham we're talking about, folks. Although, having said that, fascist parents might actually be the only things that make the Beckhams interesting.
However, Formula One's prime partners are making the story more entertaining still.
But what may prove to have been a turning point in the affair came in the form of the car manufacturers' statements last Friday. In a joint statement, BMW and Daimler-Benz described the facts outlined in The News of The World as disgraceful. They added, "We strongly distance ourselves from it," and said they would await appropriate action by the federation's governing body. Honda said it was extremely disappointed and urged FIA to make "an immediate decision." Toyota said it did not approve of any behaviour that "could be understood to be racist or anti-Semitic." Some understanding of history becomes important here. You see, DMZ and Benz were both instrumental in the Nazi war effort, using Jewish slave labor in the process. And the Japanese taught everybody a thing or two about racism during the war. Also, the Japanese single-handedly invented being sexually wrong on multiple levels.
Did Max Mosley really fuck up so badly as to warrant condemnation from people like that? Really? Compared to Japanese porn and generally being German?
But this is a media freakshow and it isn't going away. Unless Max marries Heather Mills, he's pretty much doomed. And that's too bad for him, and a tragedy for Nazi hookers and the men who love them.
And that's why I both love and loathe this story so.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Whatever Happened to All the Fun in the World By: Frank Zappa From: Sheik Yerbouti
PermalinkLabels: Journalists Are Swine, Laughter Joy and Lonliness and sex and sex and sex, Life With skippy, Sunday Papers, The Academy of Gentlemanly Studies
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