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Friday, May 09, 2008
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 EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND!
I'm sure that everybody has heard the sad and savage story of Josef Fritzl by now. Everyone seems to have an opinion on the matter and that opinion is almost unanimous - Josef Fritzl sure can fuck!
Granted, he choice of dates might leave something to be desired and his method of seduction is somewhat unorthodox, but like I always say during my court appearences "Who are you to judge, Judge?"
Of course, the goddamned liberal media wants to take a story of kidnapping, forcible confinement, incestuous rape and immolating the remains of a recently deceased toddler in a furnace and turn it into something .... ugly. The goddamned liberal media frequently takes beauty and makes it tawdry. Just ask Monica Lewinsky. Or that undercover cop in the stall next to Larry Craig's.
The goddamned liberal media lives for stories like this because, as world-renowned perverts and scholars of everything that truly wrong with the human spirit, they can relate to it. Now, before everybody gets their fucking knickers in a knot, I'm not saying that all journalists are twisted, child-fucking deviants, just most of them are. Between the Fritzl story and the Texas polygamy cult, I'm amazed that most reporters can stand up without holding their notebooks over their crotches. And those demented bastards want a shield law?
Well, it isn't just Richard Nixon and me who know that journalists are vermin anymore. Josef Fritzl wants you to know that he isn't real fond of them either. He knows that if this continues much longer, a guy won't be able to rape his own daughter for two or three decades without some asshole who knows how to write a pyramid story getting up in his grill about it.
Well, Mr. Fritzl is good and goddamned tired of it.
Josef Fritzl, the Austrian man who fathered seven children with his daughter while keeping her imprisoned in a windowless dungeon in his cellar, has complained about poor media coverage of the case.
His criticism of the international media's reporting was published in the German tabloid Bild Zeitung.
"I could have killed them all," reads the front page headline of today's Bild Zeitung. And Fritzl, dubbed a monster by the Austrian media, told his lawyer, Rudolf Mayer, "I'm not a monster," according to today's report. You might think, like I do, that "hero" is an overused word, but Josef Fritzl doesn't. And he wants you to know that he is one. Perhaps the Greatest Austrian Hero.
Fritz's lawyer has been seeing him and, according to Bild Zeitung, his client has complained to the lawyer that media coverage has been "unfair" and "completely one-sided." And one-sidedness is perhaps the single greatest reason that reporters are assholes. They believe that locking a child in a basement and force fucking her through 7 pregnancies over the course of 24 years is the kind of story that can only have one side.
But that might be a story that has several different sides. It might just be that dad didn't have any other choice. When a parent tells a child to, say, clean his or her room, the child has to know that there are consequences if they don't. Also, a curfew is a curfew and the garbage doesn't take itself out, now does it?
Of course, the goddamned liberal media doesn't see it that way. They need a "bad guy" in almost every story involving simple family dynamics. The fucking Fourth Estate refuse to see the bright side of the Fritzl story. That leaves it to Josef to demonstrate that he's a "glass half full" guy.
"I could have killed them all, and no one would ever have known, no one would ever have found out," he reportedly told his lawyer.
Fritzl has confessed to locking up his daughter for almost 24 years, and fathering seven children with her during that time.
Three of those children, Kerstin, 19, Stefan, 18, and Felix, 5, had never seen sunlight until they were released from their captivity by police last month after Kerstin became seriously ill and was taken to hospital for a life-threatening disease. The young woman has since remained in a medically induced coma and is said to be in critical condition. Look, John McCain has been warning people about the dangers of exposure to the sun for years now, and he's going to be the president of the United States. And that makes him a role model, doesn't it? Well, not only did Fritzl not kill his children / grandchildren, he saved them from the horror of melanoma.
"If it wasn't for me, Kerstin would not be alive today," Fritzl is quoted by his lawyer as saying. "It was me who made sure she was taken to hospital." Mr. Fritzl is like an overly kinky paramedic who fathers his paitients. If stories like this existed in the 1970s, "Emergency!" would never have been cancelled and my life would have been so different.
But journalists just won't leave him alone until they take away his "World's Greatest Dad" coffee mug. It's sick, it's sad and it should be stopped.
Far be it from me to suggest that Josef Fritzl get a framed declaration of heroism from the Amstetten Parent Teacher Association, but it's the little things that the media doesn't tell you that makes all the difference in the world.
You know what else the goddamned liberal media won't tell you? That because of Joself Fritzl, Austria is famous for something other than Hitler for the first time in 70 years. And that's gotta count for something.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Steal My Kisses By: Ben Harper and the Innocent Criminals From: Burn to Shine
Permalink Labels: I Fought The Law, Journalists Are Swine
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