 LARRY KING IS A FUCKING PUTZ
One of the iron laws of modern life is that when you fuck everything up beyond redemption, it's time to visit Larry King. Larry's such a sycophant that after an hour of his kissing your ass, his retard audience will worship you forever. And if you take phone in questions and don't treat Bob from fucking Omaha like the half-wit that he is, you'll probably get a parade out of it. It seems that pretty much anybody can be a King for a Day.
It doesn't matter who you are or what shitty things you've done in life, if you agree to do Larry King Live, the host will brown nose you right into the fucking afterlife.
I think that Ted Bundy's great mistake was not taking advantage of Larry's hospitality. I can guarantee you that Larry would introduce Bundy as "the famous ladies man," and begin his questions with "You're so handsome. Why the rape and murder? Were they asking for it?" And it would only go downhill from there. Remember, Larry's the same guy who once said "I would bump God if OJ Simpson was available."
Being a media whore par excellence, Larry shares his opinions on anything, despite his total lack of qualifications or knowledge on the subject. Christ, if he spent a weekend judging the Kentucky State Circle Jerk Finals, he would have written about it in his USA Today column for a month. For a guy who hasn't had a solid bowel movement since 1986, he sure is busy.
That's why I wasn't surprised when the former Mr. Zeiger repeatedly turned up in Carol Felsenthal's new book "Clinton in Exile: A President Out of the White House." The book is a portrait of one president's return to popular esteem from self-imposed disgrace. It is a classic tale which tells us more about the short memories and incredibly misinformed judgements of the public than anything else.
"Clinton in Exile" is a good book to read if you're stuck in an airport or are one of those mere mortals who actually tires of masturbation. It's a quickie book and hardly a scholarly tome, as the presence of Larry fucking King amply demonstrates. If you want to read a great book of the form, I can't recommend "Exile: The Unquiet Oblivion of Richard Nixon" by Robert Sam Anson enough. It's out of print, but it isn't that hard to find and richly rewarding.
Mrs. Felsenthal's book ends with a quote so shocking that I couldn't decide whether to laugh out loud or shit myself to death. That quote naturally comes from Larry King. "I think people regard him as a guy with a weakness who happens to be a tremendous person, who if he didn't have this weakness would be up there with Jefferson and Washington and Lincoln." (page 311. Emphasis added.)
That might be the most stellar example of overstatement I've ever read.
George Washington won his country's independence on the battlefield and ensured an orderly, peaceful transition of power previously unknown to man. Thomas Jefferson doubled his territory without firing a shot. And Abraham Lincoln preserved the union from chaos and ended the rancid institution of slavery in North America.
What precisely did William Jefferson Clinton do? Sure, I know he looks good when compared to his immediate successor, but that's hardly what gets you on Mount Rushmore. Autistic children look like competent administrators when compared with the current President Bush.
Bill Clinton is a lot like Jack Kennedy - people love them without being able to tell you what they actually did. In Kennedy's case, they point to the Cuban Missile Crisis without realizing that it wouldn't have happened in the first place without the Bay of Pigs. The serious tax cuts and the civil rights bills were carried out and strengthened by President Johnson, which most people forget. That leaves the Test Ban Treaty as JFK's only real presidential accomplishment.
Oh, and he caught a bullet with his skull, which is about on par with Clinton's use of Monica Lewinsky as a cock catcher's mitt and his impeachment for same.
Despite being in office over three times as long as Kennedy was, Clinton has a similar paucity of accomplishment. His modern supporters point to the economy of the 1990s, but history never records economics unless a depression occurs. Do you know anything about the economy under Jefferson? How about Lincoln? If the economy were a barometer for historical achievement, Calvin Coolidge would be remembered as the greatest president of them all.
So what exactly did President Clinton do other than get reelected and interrupt a perfectly good blowjob so he could jerk off into a bathroom sink?
NAFTA: The North American Free Trade Agreement was certainly important and Clinton should be credited for passing it against the wishes of his own party. Christ, if Hillary is to be believed (which she isn't), he passed NAFTA against the objectives of his own wife.
Every time an election rolls around, the majority of Democratic candidates piss and moan about NAFTA, which only proves that Democrats are idiots. Most manufacturing jobs in swing states aren't going to Canada and Mexico, they're going to China and India, which aren't a party to NAFTA.
Plus, I always get disturbed when the majority of Democrats agree with a lunatic like Pat Buchanan about anything.
Welfare Reform: Another nice idea that was only implemented for political expediency. If you want a president of another party to sign a bill that you know he otherwise wouldn't, pass it during an election campaign. Clinton hated the welfare reform bill and still spits on the ground whenever he talks about it (which isn't often.) But he signed it because Bill Clinton is an unprincipled whore.
It is also worth noting that people who love President Clinton hated the welfare reform act.
The Northern Ireland Peace Accords: The English could never stop the fighting in Belfast, but the English can't clean their own teeth properly either. Even though no American president ever took Northern Ireland seriously - and they all allowed American citizens to be the prime funders of the terrorist Irish Republican Army - Clinton should get credit for the agreement, which has astonishingly held.
This accomplishment should be mitigated by the fact that our penchant for drunken havoc is one of the very few things that makes the Irish interesting. The peace treaty also freed up Bono's time to allow him to be annoying about several other issues.
Other than that, there isn't much. Sure, there's a completely unconstitutional assault weapons ban that Bush was prepared to extend and midnight basketball and school uniform initiatives that never had any hope of passage.
And that's pretty much it. At best, Clinton was just like one of the presidents between Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt, he accomplished a few things, but very little of consequence and would be completely forgotten in 50 years were it not for his impeachment. President William Jefferson Clinton is the picture of mediocrity and didn't even have the skill to get blown properly let alone be an inspirational leader.
Granted, he's not George W. Bush, but Ronald McDonald isn't John Wayne Gacy. That hardly qualifies one to have his picture on the currency. If Bush is the yardstick by which the presidency is judged, I fully expect the United States to be colonized by Cuba in the next three weeks. Pointing out the Clinton was a better president than Bush is like saying that Andrew wasn't half the hurricane Katrina was.
Having interviewed every president since McKinley, Larry King should know better. But Larry is a sycophantic half-wit in ways that make the Memphis Mafia look like the picture of quiet dignity.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: My Little Problem By: The Replacements From: All Shook Down
PermalinkLabels: Celebrity Skin, Don't Know Much About History, Me Read Good
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