|
|
Monday, June 16, 2008
|
|
 JESSICA SIMPSON'S TITS HAVE A POINT!
Whenever a celebrity has a message, I have an overwhelming urge to punch them directly in the fucking head. This is because those messages are almost never fun. Those messages usually involve stopping the genocide in Darfur, not sexually harassing every woman I meet and not being a prick, all of which are beyond my power to accomplish. What else does the guy from Coldplay want me to do, walk on fucking water?
That's why I like simpler celebrities with simple messages. And great big hooters. Those are the celebrities that you can listen to and hold up to the children as an example. Let's face it, you're kids aren't going to grow up to be Rambo and they aren't finding Darfur on a map anytime soon. This is because your kids are going to be every bit as lazy and worthless as you are.
Now you know why Jessica Simpson is the greatest celebrity of all time. Other than having a breathtaking rack, she has simple, achievable messages that every young girl needs to know and, furthermore, live.
Real Girls Eat Meat. That's all you really need to know. Real. Girls. Eat. Meat.
Lots of you broads, particularly the young ones, think that vegetarianism is the answer to staying thin and sexy. And it might be. But vegetarians are also exceptionally annoying. Everytime a right-thinking person sees one of them, he or she longs for a well to throw them down. Or a pack of rabid wolverine to gang rape them to death. It doesn't really matter which, but a world with any justice at all would involve at least one.
 But there's another way, a way that you might not have heard about because the goddamn liberal media has been keeping a secret. All you have to do to be thin and sexy is to go to Wendy's and eat seven or eight Baconators. Then as you feel yourself starting to digest it, run to the bathroom with your fingers in your gullet and puke the whole mess up. If you follow that up by eating no fewer than twelve laxatives, that helps, too.
Not only will that keep you trim and attractive, it's healthy, too. Those fucking Baconators will kill you. But they're too delicious to avoid entirely.
Jessica Simpson knows all of these things and, Christ, just look at those knockers! They're damn near perfect, and refuse to accept the word of any dopey doctor over the truth that those funbags speak to us all. All the truth you'll ever need can fit into Jessica Simpson's beautiful D cups. Arguing with those would be like kicking Jesus in the balls.
 Those tits, as we all know, are hard nippled hammers of truth. They are incapable of lies. It's a biological imperative. The nipples hypnotize their owners into always telling it like it is. If you were to break a rack like that out at Guantanamo, waterboarding would go back to being what it was intended to be, a way to pass the time.
If you're a parent with daughters who doesn't hold Jessica Simpson up as a role model, I just don't know what the fuck you're doing to your kids. If the government was halfway responsible, they'd bury you alive.
Picture ruthlessly stolen from The Superficial
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Eggs and Sausage (In a Cadillac with Susan Michelson) By: Tom Waits From: Nighthawks at the Diner
PermalinkLabels: Celebrity Skin, The Girls In My Life
|
|
|
| |
