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Wednesday, June 11, 2008


MY WEEKEND WITH A ZOMBIE, ADVENTURES WITH MORRIS DAY & THE TRANSCENDENT POWER OF MR. LEONARD COHEN WITH A SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE BY DR. REVEREND

Okay, so I'm back from what was very likely the greatest weekend in the history of ever.

Sorry about all the mystery, but I'm getting a lot of hits from Toronto lately, you folks know what I look like and I didn't want you deviants bothering me in public. That already happens enough, and while I try not to complain about the random blowjobs my international readership insists I receive, I don't think they'd impress my future bride all that much.

While I'm from a major metropolis where there is much to do, my Zombie Queen is not. Where she's from, the most common weekend activity is domestic violence and I try to avoid that outside of the context of BDSM whenever possible. Also, I bruise easily. So it was decided that she would come up here for the weekend.

It was nothing short of glorious. There were, of course, numerous carnal couplings which likely violated the laws of god and man and they were repeated at every opportunity. Nary a moment passed when we weren't stuffing parts of ourselves into one another. But that's what love's all about, isn't it? Surely I needn't tell an audience as cosmopolitan as mine that.

But it wasn't all flying bodily fluids and I don't want to give you the impression that it was. Just mostly. There was a great deal of culture involved as well. As some of you might know, Toronto is a major cultural center and is famous the world over as such. There is an abundance of museums, galleries and orchestras in this town I call home.

Which is why Morris Day and the Time decided to visit.

As most right thinking people are, my Zombiegirl and I are dedicated followers of Mr. Day and all of his good works. No one who has seen Purple Rain can be otherwise and still think of themselves as a reasonable human being. Anyone who didn't immediately recognize Morris Day as a latter day messiah from that fine film should be butchered like a pig. Sophisticates like Zombie and myself find such Neanderthals intolerable.

There are those of you who don't know that Gigolos Get Lonely Too. They don't know The Bird and they almost certainly are unfamiliar with the healing power of some Jungle Love. How such people made it all the way to adulthood remains one of the great mysteries of my life.





Not only had I never seen the Time before, I don't remember them ever playing here. I might be wrong but I almost never am. It was an event I have looked forward to since childhood. My excitement was palpable, all the more so because I would be joined by my great love who also happens to be a dedicated Morris enthusiast. Best of all, it was a free show at Toronto City Hall.

At the appointed hour, the band took the stage. Unfortunately, this was not the original Time. Of the backline, only Monte Moir and Jellybean Johnson remained from their 1980s heyday.

And then there was Morris. A sexy man in a pimp suit. When he appeared, the crowd gave him the reception befitting a religious figure of his stature. Indeed, our pants broke open like a New Orleans levee, such is the power of the Time's music. Hundreds of people were there and all almost certainly suffered from excruciatingly swollen genitals upon leaving Nathan Phillips Square Saturday night. If there was anyone there who didn't, their very humanity would have been openly questioned by the rest of us, and such ugliness must always be avoided.

On Sunday, things took a much more serious turn as we prepared to spend a magical evening with Mr. Leonard Cohen.

This was the show that I wasn't supposed to ever see. As you may or may not know, Mr. Cohen hasn't toured since the fall of 1993 when he was, in his words, "a 60 year old kid with a crazy dream." In that time, he has released by two albums of new material, the disappointing Ten New Songs and Dear Heather. At 73, it appeared that one of the most interesting careers in popular entertainment was winding down. I had seen almost all of my heroes, but I lamented the fact that I would never see Cohen perform live.

Then something magical happened. In 2005 we learned that Leonard doesn't know the first thing about managing money. His retirement would be short-lived indeed, which is tragic for Mr. Cohen but worked out excellently for me, and most importantly, my Zombie bride. And of course, my spiritual counsellor, the great Dr. Reverend and his lovely wife. Of course, the good Doctor bought the tickets as I am almost as bad with money as Leonard is. The Doctor is incredible with money, as one would expect, given his background.

As you may or may not know, Mr. Cohen announced a 2008-09 tour earlier this spring. Other than a handful of warm-up dates in the parts of Canada that don't matter, the tour officially kicked off in Toronto last weekend.

And it is, as some jackoff at the Toronto Star put it, "breathtaking." Of course, there are really only two kinds of people in this world, those who love Leonard Cohen and those who were born wrong and are ignorant even of the fact that they'll never be right. Those who don't love Leonard are the kind of people that less civilized nations routinely slaughter and feed to farm animals.

The show was even better than those weeping pussies at Rolling Stone said it was. The only thing I can compare Sunday nights concert to was Tom Waits in 1999. The difference being that Waits played a few songs that truly sucked even though the show in its entirety was better than anything I had ever seen. Even Leonard's weaker, recent songs were interesting and fresh on Sunday night.

Take for example, "A Thousand Kisses Deep", which instead of being performed as a lesser song, was recited as poetry so beautiful it made my girlfriend cry.



There are so many highlights to that concert that it is almost impossible to list them all. Very rarely do you find yourself in a room with true, inescapable genius. If you have any doubts about seeing a 73 year old man rock out with the best of them, you'll be eating them out of your own ass if you have the privilege of seeing Leonard Cohen live.

Unfortunately, Leonard seems to be a little shy about performing in the United States. There are no dates there as of yet, but if there are, you all should spare no expense in attending one. If you have to travel across the country and see him opening for fucking Warrant in some rancid shithole like Oklahoma, you won't be sorry. It helps greatly if you see Morris Day and the Time the night before.

Of course, you won't get to go with the prettiest girl ever. She's mine.

And then we went to Wendy's on account of my being so romantic.

What have you teenagers been up to?

Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Take This Waltz By: Leonard Cohen From: I'm Your Man







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