 LINDSAY LOHAN FIGHTS THE LAW, WINS
I can't tell you how many nights I lay awake in bed wondering if there's anything Lindsay Lohan can't do. Invaribly, that internal dialogue ends with tears of joy streaming down my cheeks and future generations of skippy pooled upon my stomach, chest, chin and lips. It's a beautiful thing and I can't blame any of you for wanting to see it for yourselves. But not all of you can go to bed with me .... or can you?
You might not have heard about this, but Hollywood starlet and celebrated piece of ass Lindsay Lohan was arrested for driving under the influence not once, but twice this summer season. You may not be familiar with La Lohan's legal difficulties as the goddamned liberal media did their level best to cover the story up.
LiLo's life was further complicated by the fact that cocaine was found on and about her person on both occasions. Cocaine, as we all know, is one of the greatest things that the government doesn't want you to enjoy. Lost on the Los Angeles and Beverley Hills police departments was the fact that Lindsay is a celebrity and can accordingly do whatever the fuck she wants. This is doubly true because Miss Lohan is gifted with a truly marvellous set of milkbags.
The government isn't inclined to advertise this, but the law just doesn't apply to young girls with super-nice breasts. I actually think that that's in the Constitution, but I'm not positive as reading really isn't my strong suit.
Of course, it remains in everybody's interest that the appearance to the contrary is kept. After all, we live in an age where anybody can go out and buy beautiful knockers. Long gone are the days of someone like Jayne Mansfield being naturally superior to the rest of humanity. Medical technology has long ago disrupted the natural order of things and justice has a long way to go to catch up. If everyone went out and bought themselves a set of big, beautiful tits, no one would be accountable for anything and society would quickly decend into anarchy. Accordingly, this legal accomodation is kept on the down low as much as possible.
Having said that, Jenna Jameson had better watch the fuck out.
Due to the presence of magic fun powder at the scene of both of Lindsay's arrests this summer, it was feared that she would go to the big house for upwards of six years. All you need to know about the justice system's priorities in this dark age of Bush is that multiple drunk driving incidents are misdemeanors and possession of the smallest amount of cocaine is a felony. Of course, I'm sure that this has nothing at all to do with the president's own 1976 DUI arrest.
Furthermore, the agents of intolerance - who in the case of one Lindsay Dee Lohan are everyone who isn't me - were literally calling from the rooftops for her blood. In the public mind her bountiful boobies had already carried her past the point of reason. Sadly, not everyone is as well versed in the law as I am.
 For that reason, the various police departments and offices of district attorneys had to engage in an exercise of placating those who just don't get the fact that Lindsay is better than the rest of us and that the beautifully beknockered have a standard of justice all their own. Under ordinary circumstances, LiLo's perfectly reasonable explanation that it "was all the black kid's fault" would have been accepted without question. Unfortunately, Paris Hilton ruined things for everyone.
In order to maintain appearances, La Lohan checked herself into Promises, a noted bikini rehab facility in Malibu that Britney Spears checked herself into when she went batshit fucking crazy in February. Given how well Ms. Spears has been doing, everyone assumed that Lindsay would be just fine.
It wasn't to be. The pull of being Lindsay Lohan was much stronger than even the toughest of bikini rehabs was equipped to treat. Shortly after her discharge, the black kid fucked up while LiLo was wearing someone's cocaine-laden trousers and her legal status was greatly complicated. Remember, the potential charges from her most recent fracas could have landed her in the clink for upwards of six years. That, I needn't remind you, is six years of her magnificent mammaries being pawed by someone who isn't me. Oh, the humanity!
The world had come to a standstill for lo, those many weeks. All eyes were on Lohan's Utah non-bikini rehab and the world said a silent prayer for her titanic titties. That is until yesterday, when we learned that cooler heads had prevailed.
Lindsay Lohan reached a plea deal Thursday on misdemeanor drunken driving and cocaine charges that calls for her to spend one day in jail, serve 10 days of community service and complete a drug treatment program.
She was also placed on 36 months probation, is required to complete an 18-month alcohol education program, pay hundreds of dollars in fines and must complete a three-day county coroner program in which she'll visit a morgue and talk to victims of drunken drivers. Miss Lohan went from a potential sentence of six years down to one day. Yet that still doesn't seem fair. As Lindsay was facing the cold hand of California justice from Utah, Nicole Richie served her sentence at the Lynwood Women's Detention Center - all 82 minutes of it.
 I shouldn't have to remind anyone that LiLo is exactly 27 times hotter than Richie - who had to get knocked up to get half-decent knockers - and has a lengthy police record of DUIs and heroin possession. Furthermore, her father hasn't done anything cool since he recorded "Easy" way back in 1977. If I were Miss Richie's judge, I would have given her a year for "Dancing on the Ceiling" alone. Regardless of what anyone tells you, there are occasions when the sins of the father should be visited upon the child.
Yet, Lohan is expected to do a whole 23 and a half hours more than Richie! That doesn't sound right to me and if you're halway human, it shouldn't sound right to you.
Even worse than that, La Lohan was forced to release this humiliating statement immediately after her sentence was handed down;
"It is clear to me that my life has become completely unmanageable because I am addicted to alcohol and drugs. Recently, I relapsed and did things for which I am ashamed. I broke the law, and today I took responsibility by pleading guilty to the charges in my case. No matter what I said when I was under the influence on the day I was arrested, I am not blaming anyone else for my conduct other than myself. I thank God I did not injure others. I easily could have. I very much want to be healthy and gain control of my life and career and have asked for medical help in doing so. I am taking these steps to improve my life. Luckily, I am not alone in my daily struggle and I know that people like me have succeeded. Maybe with time it will become easier. I hope so."
 Does that mean the black kid is off the hook? Can't they get him for anything?
It seems to me that Lindsay doesn't have a problem at all. If anything, she sets an example that we all should follow. It turns out that the reason the felonies weren't charged was that there wasn't enough coke on her to file them.
Lohan was charged earlier in the day with seven misdemeanors stemming from two drunken-driving arrests in the last four months. More serious felony drug charges were not filed, prosecutors said, because tests showed there wasn't enough cocaine on her to warrant them. Attorney Blair Berk entered pleas on Lohan's behalf: she pleaded guilty to two counts of being under the influence of cocaine; no contest to two counts of driving with a blood-alcohol level above .08 percent and one count of reckless driving. Two counts of driving under the influence were dropped. Lohan was arrested on May 26 in Beverly Hills and on July 24 in Santa Monica. In each incident, the amount of cocaine tested was below the .05 grams required for felony charges, according to the district attorney's office.
 Now if I know anything about my worldwide audience, it is that you're all students of two things: fun and avoiding legal responsibility for said fun. In this, Lindsay Lohan is a hard nippled Clarence Darrow.
There are four things that all of us should learn from LiLo's long legal nightmare.
- Be a big-titted, redheaded celebrity.
- Have a great fucking lawyer.
- Do as much of the coke as you can before getting in the car to avoid those bothersome felonies. Keep snorting it until you're absolutely sure that there's less than a twentieth of a gram left. If you're a pussy and get the sniffles, start shooting or smoking it.
- Always try to have a black kid in the immediate vacinity. They have a wonderful way of creating reasonable doubt.
Despite my best efforts, its unlikely that those jackals in the Roman Catholic Church will recognize Lindsay Lohan with the sainthood she so clearly deserves. But that should not stop her from being the beacon of hope that she was born to be. Not all of us can be giant jugged celebrities, but that shouldn't stop us from doing whatever we want with minimal consequences. Lindsay Lohan should start her very own legal foundation. Young girls with stars in their eyes will thank her for it someday. Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: The Power of Positive Drinking By: Lou Reed From: Growing Up in Public Permalink Labels: Celebrity Skin, I Fought The Law, The War On Fun
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