 TOM LUKIWSKI'S BRINGING SEXY BACK; MOTHERFUCKERS DON'T KNOW HOW TO ACT
I've been keeping a secret from you, my loyal readers for far too long now. You see, I really, really enjoy oral and anal sex. Fortunately, I've fallen in love with a beautiful young lady who shares my enthusiasms and has let me know that it's alright for me to come out of the closet, as it were.
So I'm proud to be standing here before you all and admitting that I like putting my penis in people's mouths and rectums. I only hope that all of you can accept the real me.
If I were given to self-analysis, I'd say that the only difference between myself and your average homosexual is that I prefer the holes of choice to be less hairy. Oh, and any penis that isn't mine kind of creeps me out.
But that's just me. There are any number of people who are creeped out by my penis and I don't hold that against them. I'm just glad my girlfriend loves me for who I am. For the longest time I was afraid that she wouldn't. After all, I actually do have a pretty creepy penis.
That's why I have a hard time harbouring any ill-will toward gay people. I figure that if everyone involved is at least close to being a consenting adult and no one gets hurt too bad, there's no reason for anyone to get involved in other people's sex lives. Unless you happen to be an exhibitionist or a swinger, which is different.
Personal liberty is kind of thing with me. And I can think of few things more personal than who you fuck and how you fuck them. If you're like me, you believe that the government should stick to what it's supposed to do and not doing very well, namely accounting and killing foreigners. But modern government is little more than Gladys Kravitz writ large, consumed with nothing as much as the bedrooms of the people.
Now if you're a modern conservative, the bedrooms of the nation matter a great deal to you, if only as a means to cover up what's happening in yours. I'm a pretty liberal cat when it comes to matters sexual. But dig as you might, you'll never find provactive text messages from me to a sixteen year old boy. And I empahasize the word "boy." After that, all bets are pretty much off.
Besides, my girlfriend is a pretty understanding little girl and she loves me. I'm pretty sure that she let me dress her up as a Boy Scout if the need arose. I'm not saying that it ever will, but on the other hand, you just never know, do you? There could be an emergency.
But if you find yourself overly concerned about homosexery, you'll be glad to know thaat Sasketchewan Member of Parliament Tom Lukiwski is looking out for you. At least he was in 1991.
My international readers may not know this, but Saskatchewan was in a desperate shortage of gay people in 1991. It was also lacking art, music, a cultural identity that didn't involve wheat, and a reason to live. Saskatchewan is the kind of place that you go where you get tired of the fast life, bright lights and big cities of, say, Indiana.
Being a place that gives even rural shitholes a bad name, Saskatchewan needed someone like Tom to tell it's populace what time it was. And thank god for him
The amateur video shows a number of people at the campaign headquarters, drinking beer and answering questions about their thoughts on the campaign debate.
Lukiwski's derogatory comment is made early in the recording after the cameraman makes a comment about him being old.
"As we say on tour, I may be old but I'm f---ing A," Lukiwski responds.
The camerman retorts: "And who is this A person?"
"Well let me put it to you this way. There's As and there's Bs. The As are guys like me. The Bs are homosexual faggots with dirt under their fingernails that transmit diseases," Lukiwski says. I'm deeply confused by much of what the Honourble Member from Fucking A has to say on this tape. It might just be that I'm way too cosmopolitan for the conversation. If so, I'm hoping one of my more illiterate readers can help me out.
If Tom was "fucking A," was he using the word as an adjective or a verb? That doesn't seem to be made clear on the tape. And if it was used as a verb, then it seems to me that he would be fucking guys like him, which would consequently make him a "homosexual faggot." Fucking A would actually make Lukiwski a B, wouldn't it?
This confusion could be clarified by giving Tom a few blood tests and checking his fingernails.
Now I live in Toronto and I've been to San Francisco. Those are two of the three gayest cities in North America. If I've noticed anything about gays, it's that they have extraordinarily dainty nails. These guys seems to live for the manicure. The more adventerous of them, the mani-pedi. However, I can't discount the idea that Saskatchewan's gay community is very, terribly different.
That being the case, that probably isn't dirt on their fingernails. Run, Tommy!
Finally, who in the fuck calls anybody a "homosexual faggot," anyway? You don't call Gulliver a "tall giant." One of those terms will usually do. Phrases like "homosexual faggot" are generally common among those who speak English as a thirteenth language, which is something not usually encouraged by the Conservative Party of Canada.
The NDP and every gay lobby group wants Lukiwski kicked out of the Conservative caucus, although a "caucus" is precisely where somewhere like Tom should be.
I disagree. I think that if Tom should be kicked out, it should be for not being able to get his slurs straight. If you're going to be an asshole, it's very important that you do it properly. I would also reprimand him for being from Saskatchewan. Frankly, all Canadians who aren't from Toronto should be owned as pets by those who are.
But this post is dedicated to Tom Lukiwski. He's one in a million.
( Editor's Note: In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that I, too, am "fucking A," just not in the way associated with our boy, Tom. I couldn't be prouder of fucking A and hope to keep fucking A for the rest of my life. )
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: One in a Million By: Guns N' Roses From: GN'R Lies
PermalinkLabels: Fun With Politics, Laughter Joy and Lonliness and sex and sex and sex, O Canada
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