 SO LONG, SUGAR TITS: THE TREASONOUS JUGS OF SUSAN SARANDON
I always have a good time when celebrities get involved in politics. There's just something about it that smells like ... victory. I'm not sure why it is, but there are few things in life that I enjoy more than seeing society's luckiest and most fortunate people humiliate themselves. It makes me feel whole.
Politics is a complicated thing and celebrities (R.Kelly notwithstanding) are simple people. They are also simpletons. They, like 12 year old girls everywhere, don't necessarily need to know something so long as they feel it. This is particularly true of the film and music communities.
And if there's one thing that they are almost uniform in feeling, it is that Republicans are bad people. Oddly, they can never seem to explain why this is so. I've spent five years explaining just that, often in excruciating detail. Yet no one is giving me millions of dollars and the cosmetic surgery I need so desperately.
If just one celebrity could come forward and say "Look, Republicans are assholes and here's why. They spend way too much fucking money, can't plan a war for shit, and are given to sending dirty instant messages to teenage boys and getting suck started by other men in the bathroom of the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport" I'd have a whole lot more respect for them. If nothing else, it would tell me that they've been paying attention.
Instead all you hear is "Bush is evil," "the death penalty is bad" and "Stop China." Granted, there are arguments to be made for all of those assertions, but you'll never hear them from Hollywood's chattering classes. This is because virtually everyone in Hollywood is an idiot. Their ability to explain complicated matters of public policy is even lower than that of politicians, who can at least lie in a semi-entertaining way.
What I like best about celebrity activism is just how ineffective it is. In 2004, there was unanimity of opinion among the artistic community that President Bush was a jabbering dupe and a dangerous one at that. All the support the GOP could muster was from Ron Silver and nobody knows who he is. Christ, even Arnold Schwarzenegger didn't have that many nice things to say about the president.
Bush was probably the most vulnerable incumbent president since Hoover. But he still won. It turns out that society's opinion makers didn't make very many opinions, huh?
I also love it when celebrities, actors in particular, threaten to leave the country when an election doesn't go their way. Whatever would America do without all that pretending by botoxed savants, they must be thinking. Alec Baldwin does that a lot, but never follows through. This must annoy his daughter greatly.
 The latest to threaten expatriatism is Susan Sarandon. Ms. Sarandon is beautifully jugged in an almost classical way. She's exceptionally hot if you're into banging grandmas, which I am. She's also slightly to the left of the Pathet Lao. But she has a great rack, so what are you going to do?
I can sing arias about those titties. In fact, I do everytime I see them. Those are such fantastic udders that one forgets that their owner gave Benjamin Franklin his first handjob. One also forgets that she also does lapdances for the Shining Path. If nothing else, it beats selling Girl Guide cookies.
Now, I'm the type of guy who doesn't let something as trivial as politics get in the way of my appreciation of a fine set of speed bumps. I almost never go to Hooters to discuss an election. Come to think of it, I have no idea who most of the women in life vote for. I just tell them who they should vote for and trust that they do as they're told. Sort of like how it works in the bedroom. Or the kitchen.
There's something about a woman with huge jugs and a look of sexual desperation in her eyes that make me overlook any number of things. But if there's one thing that I can't overlook, it would have to be treason. You see, I love America and all of the wonderful things (the mainstreaming of pornography, snuff movies, wars that entertaining, presidents who can't speak in complete sentences) that it has given the world.
It literally sickens me to hear someone shit talk the United States. That's doubly true if that someone isn't me.
And that's where the marvellous milkbags of Susan Sarandon and I disagree.
You see, While the old broad that Tim Robbins fucks but won't marry has always said unflattering things about America, she seems to have finally tired of all of its democracy.
Always busy, Sarandon is about to start work on the romantic period drama The Colossus, but with the presidential election campaign being heatedly contested, she also has bigger things to consider. "If McCain gets in, it's going to be very, very dangerous," she says. "It's a critical time, but I have faith in the American people. If they prove me wrong, I'll be checking out a move to Italy. Maybe Canada, I don't know. We're at an abyss."
Oddly, she chose two countries that currently have their most right-wing governments since the Second World War. I thought she would've have picked someplace with a more current experience with liberalism, like anyplace south of Mexico.  If nothing else, I admire Sarandon's honesty. Let's review the most important part of her statement, shall we? "It's a critical time, but I have faith in the American people. If they prove me wrong, I'll be checking out a move to Italy. Maybe Canada, I don't know." Having been in college in 1776, Susan Sarandon has seen a lot in her day. But she never lost faith in the American people. But her patience is being sorely tested by their stubbon insistence on voting for the person that they feel is best qualified to lead the country. Seriously, how long should Susan be expected to put up with your fucking nonsense anyhow? She's stuck with you through so much, knowing all the while that Canada's inclement weather would make her nipples permanently hard and therefore make her boobies look even better. Your fucking impertinence is driving this woman to treason, goddamn it! But when a woman with huge knockers is involved, I'm nothing if not helpful. In that spirit, I've been thinking of places that Sarandon can go to if things don't go her way. And I've found the perfect place for her - Iraq. Stay with me on this. Iraq had a really bad government recently. Now it has several sort of bad ones. And they have elections all the fucking time. If the people of Iraq abuse Susan's faith in them, all she has to do is wait twenty minutes and there'll be another election where they can redeem themselves. But I think there's something deeper and profoundly more human going on here. You'll notice that Ms. Sarandon only mentions her moving to Italy or maybe Canada. Tim Robbins isn't mentioned at all.  And frankly, who can blame her? The guy is a mutant and doesn't look as though he can fuck properly at all. How long should a woman be expected to tolerate something like that? Whenever I see them together, I imagine that she's babysitting an awkwardly tall retarded kid who has developed a crush on her and she doesn't know how to break away without breaking his heart.
For the love of Christ, he gets a woman with a body like that and what does Robbins do? He dresses her up as a nun for fuck's sake! There's definately something wrong with him.
It couldn't be clearer that she needs to get away from that Robbins retard. In which case, Canada is there perfect place for her to come. I can fix her little red wagon but good. And that goes double for her big-titted daughter. I know things that Tim Robbins almost certainly doesn't. Like how to satisfy an old woman and her starlet daughter.
And I'm willing to do that for one reason. I'll do it because I love America and everything it represents. But I'll do it for you!
Y'know, if my girlfriend lets me.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: She's Leaving Home By: The Beatles From: Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
PermalinkLabels: Celebrity Skin, Fun With Politics, The Girls In My Life
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