 HEY LOOK, TITS!: COUILLARD CONTINUES TO CAPTIVATE CANADA
Everybody loves a great set of knockers and the Parliament of Canada is no different. Fine tits have a way of speaking to a man in a secret language that you need a penis to understand. And like the rest of us, The Liberals, New Democrats and the Bloc Quebecois want Julie Couillard's tits to talk to them.
It's been a big week for Mademoiselle Couillard's formidable funbags. First, they brought down yet another senior Conservative that it turned was close to them. Then, the inept leader of the Official Opposition publicly mused that they might be the perfectly shaped instruments by which organized crime could infiltrate the Canadian government. Those are pretty powerful mammeries.
Canadian women from sea to shining sea are of course outraged. After all, none of their boobies get the kind of attention that Julie's are getting, and there aren't very many broads out there who captures the attention of a sexy guy like Stephane Dion, Gilles Duceppe or Jack Layton.
The week started out with a busty bang as the Minister of Public Works, Senator Michael Fortier shitcanned his senior Quebec advisor for bumping uglies with Julie just before Maxime Bernier hopped on.
"Mr. Bernard Côté failed to inform me that while he was in a personal relationship with Julie Couillard, at the same time she was also vying for government business for Kevlar and raised it with Mr. Côté," he said. "Mr. Côté should have recused himself of having any dealings with the matter at hand, which he unfortunately didn't."
Fortier said Côté offered his resignation "and I accepted it." First Bernier, now Cote. You know that when you see a piece of ass that ruins two careers in a month, that it's probably worth it. But those magnificent mammaries might also be instruments of evil, the Liberal Party of Canada warns us.
- There are compelling security reasons to investigate whether the federal government is being targeted by organized crime, Liberals said yesterday amid news the Julie Couillard affair has claimed another senior Conservative casualty.
"There is the possibility that organized crime is trying to infiltrate the government," Liberal Leader Stephane Dion told reporters.
"I'm not saying it's what happened. But certainly all the experts of security who have spoken (say) ... this is the pattern that you need to check."  Now any of you who know about biker gangs know that they're so ... subtle. Everyone who's seen The Wild One knows that. If you know a Hells Angel, you'll know that he excells at three things; anarchy, getting his red wings, and stealthily infiltrating the governments of G8 nations.
There's something you need to know about politicians. Sometimes it seems like they're actually speaking English. In fact, it is a stealthy facsimile of the Queen's tongue.
Indeed, the meaning, of what they say is often the opposite of what you would usually associate those words with. When President Bush said "I haven't made any decision about going to war with Iraq," he actually means "I'm going to war with Iraq on Tuesday night." When Stephane Dion says "I'm not saying it's what happened," he means "That's precisely what happened." And when Dion's deputy Michael Ignatieff says "I don’t care about her skirts, I don’t care about her cleavage," he actually means to say "I am a homosexual."
And now there are hearings regarding Madame Couillard and her beautiful breasts by the Commons Public Safety Committee. Our girl Julie is expected to appear this week. If my American readers remember how much fun the Clarence Thomas / Anita Hill hearings were in 1990, imagine how much more fun they would've been if Anita Hill was smoking fucking hot and pulled a train of bikers and senior Republican figures.
There are serious questions to be asked of Julie and the committee expects answers. For example, is she completely shaved like all women should be? Does she like anal sex or does she love it? Is she dating now?
The hearings will continue endlessly and eventually Julie's nipples will get hard and Canadian society will rapidly disintegrate. And if Ujjal Dosanjh can keep his hands out of his lap during M. Couillard's testimony, he's a better man than I am. If it's wrong to question a witness before a parliamentary committee whilst masturbating furiously is wrong, then I just don't want to be right.
However, if we've learned one thing from l'affaire Bernier, it would be that journalists love writing about tits. They can't get enough of it, and the Canadian people can't stop reading about it. Last week it was the turn of the National Post to make breasts no fun at all.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: The Bad Touch By: The Bloodhound Gang From: Hooray for Boobies
PermalinkLabels: Fun With Politics, O Canada, The Department of Professional Outrage
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