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Friday, May 23, 2008
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 ON BEDS, THE BOOTS UNDER THEM, THE MESSY DIVORCE OF SHANIA TWAIN & THE VINDICATION OF skippy
The seperation of Shania Twain and Robert "Mutt" Lange probably wasn't a very big story in the rest of the world, but the rest of the world isn't Canada. Shania is from a place called Timmins, Ontario, which is so roundly horrible that it makes the shithole that spawned Avril Lavinge look like Shangri-La. Also, Shania has sold a hundred zillion records. Canadians like it when one of own becomes a global phenomenon and moves as far away as humanly possible. We've been building statues to her and considering creating a state religion dedicated to worshipping her for a decade now.
For that reason, her divorce from the Man Called Mutt is being covered like the Kennedy assassination in her home and native land. When the news was announced last Friday, it was on the front page of all four of Toronto's daily newspapers. It is also believed that Shania is hiding out in Toronto, so if she's reading this, I hope that she'll call me.
Celebrity divorce is always amusing and this one has the potential to be more amusing than most. Most people seem genuinely heartbroken over this, if for no other reason than most people are sexless dwarves who live vicariously through celebrities and anguish themselves over their trivial trials so that they can better ignore the true horror that stares back at them in the mirror every morning.
Canadians, being every inch the rancid starfuckers Americans are, responded to the news with waves of collective sobbing. I'm a more down to earth guy, so I reacted by blasting an industrial sized dollop of goo from my mighty prick directly into my eye. It still stings.
 I'm going to be completely honest with you folks. I would very much like to fuck Shania Twain and have from the second I first laid eyes on her. That might not mean a lot to you, but it's important to me because I try to avoid sleeping with women who live within 200 miles of me and she's believed to have a place in town.
But there's no ignoring the soon to be former Mrs. Lange's body. Even after shitting out a kid six years ago, it's damned near perfect. You'd never know that she's 42 years old, which leads me to believe that her fitness regimen includes a pact with Satan. We might have to ask a famous fitness blogger these important questions. A lady never answers questions like that and we can't be sure that Satan would tell the truth.
But the whole sad spectacle reminds me of an "Ask skippy" question I got many years ago. The question was an age old one, can a woman that hot be a good lay? I contended that she couldn't be.
The answer wasn't without controversy. Every regular hot woman I know was up in arms. And these were indeed beautiful women. I didn't mean them. Rather, I was talking about totally flawless women. Women who were more like paintings than flesh and blood human beings.
The example I used four years ago was Halle Berry, perhaps the most objectively beautiful woman alive. She had been married and divorced twice. Both husbands reportedly cheated.
The question is obvious. Do you think those dudes found someone more beautiful than Halle Berry to fuck? Really? Do you suppose that's even possible? I don't. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure the scientific odds are against it.
And, as the fine folks at People tell us, the same has happened with Mr. and Mrs. Mutt. As Shania Twain copes with her sudden split with the support of family and friends in her native Canada, sources close to the singer say she is reeling from a double betrayal – not only by her husband of 14 years, music producer Robert "Mutt" Lange, but by a woman she considered a close friend. Lange's relationship with Marie-Anne Thiébaud, 37, a longtime secretary and house manager at Twain and Lange's estate in Switzerland, was behind the breakup, say several sources familiar with the situation. "Mutt and Marie-Anne left their spouses for each other and are still in a relationship," says one source, adding that the Swiss employee was a fixture in the household Twain, 42, and Lange, 59, shared with their son, 6-year-old Eja D’Angelo.
 One of these things does not look like the other. The appearences seem to indicate that Mutt has left Shania for her mom. There's only two problems with that theory. Shania's mom is dead and Marie-Anne Thiébaud is actually five years younger than Shania is.
"Gadzooks," you might be saying to yourself. "We have a mystery here!"
Not really. What happened couldn't be more obvious. Shania Twain has no idea how to satisfy a man. It's a tragedy, really. If only this had happened just three short months ago, I would have been more than happy to teach her. However, I am connected at the soul with a beautiful girl who could teach an advanced class on the finer points of fucking. And since I can't seem to persuade my beloved into a three-way, I'm off the market.
But I will offer some advice to the intensely beautiful women who I know comprises 93.6% of my international readership. What kind of a man would I be if I didn't? I couldn't just sit idly by as your menfolk abandon you for pigs.
Look, you're all extremely attractive and we're proud to have you on our arms in public. That's even true of agoraphobic recluses like myself and Mutt. But that beauty is a big pain in the ass if you think of it as a license to just lie there when we're engaged in the making of the love. Beauty is a wonderful thing the first sixteen or seventeen hundred times we fuck you. But after that first weekend, there just has to be more. We already know you're hot. Start acting like it.
For example, under no circumstances should you refuse to blow us just because we haven't showered in a week or so. After all, we're very busy making Bryan Adams sound like he knows what he's doing. And when you're down there, swallow, for Christ's sake. You're not Karen Silkwood and my cum isn't toxic waste. It'll be fine, I promise. Begging to swallow wouldn't hurt, either.
Look, I know anal sex hurts a little at first, okay? But I'm pretty sure that the 19 hours of aerobics that you do every day to keep your body looking like that isn't comfortable, either. There's no point in having a banging little ass if we don't get to bang it. Unless there's hidden treasure up there, you really oughta share. Be a daredevil with your dumper. Not only will you thank us for it, you'll thank yourself.
 We also know that our irrational demand that you call us "daddy" during frenzied intercourse is humiliating. That's why we want you to do it. Unless someone is feeling worthless and humiliated after the orgasms stop, chances are that you're doing it wrong.
You can act like you're too fucking precious to do any of those things all you want.
That's fine, because we know that there's always going to be that a longtime secretary and house manager at our place in Switzerland who would like to meet Angus Young and the guy from Def Leppard. And do you really want to lose a guy as hot as Mutt or me? I didn't think so. We'll still be the one, just to somebody else.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: You're Still The One By: Shania Twain From: Come On Over
PermalinkLabels: Ask skippy, Celebrity Skin, Laughter Joy and Lonliness and sex and sex and sex, Relationship Advice
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Friday, April 18, 2008
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 RETURN OF THE SON OF ASK skippy
I know that picture really doesn't pertain to anything ... other than your immortal soul and it's relationship to 18 wheelers, but my future bride bought it on ebay, and I thought that I would post it to show you all why I love her so. Think about it, Jesus and an 18 wheeler? Painted on velvet? If that doesn't indicate a woman that should decorate my home for the rest of my life, I just don't know what does.
There's another reason that I love my Zombiegirl so. You see, she told me that she wouldn't stop me if I had the opportunity to sodomize Lindsay Lohan. How fucking great is that? My girlfriend is exactly what Hillary Clinton would be if Hillary was smart, honest and had the greatest rack in human history. Next I'm going to ask if I can sodomize Penelope Cruz!
Now I don't want to turn this enitre blog about my love for the Queen of America. Okay, not all of it. There's other shit that I want to talk about, too.
For example, there's something else that I've always loved with all of my heart. That would be a little feature I used to run here called "Ask skippy." I loved it so because it allowed me to interact with my readers in way altogther different than they way I usually did, which was sleeping with them. Plus, those posts pretty much wrote themselves.
However, after only seventeen short installments, the questions stoppped coming. I guess everyone got tired of my having all of the answers. Or you wanted to resume sleeping with me. Or something.
But the loyal chronicler of my good works, Luke Baggins, wanted to bring back the feature just as badly as I did. So he asked skippy ... quite a few questions, actually.
I've mentioned repeatedly in this space that I don't think that Canada's national heath care program will last much longer. Maybe 20 or 30 years on the outside. If my American readers are skeptical of Social Security's solvency - and almost all of them are - multiply it by 12 and you'll get an idea of how health care is run in my home and native land.
More recently, I've also suggested that some variant of that system is inevitable in the United States.
This compelled Luke to ask;
So your expectations are that the US will be adopting it sometime in the future while the Canadian system goes bankrupt sometime in the future. Do you expect these two events to coincide in any way? Which one do you expect first? I should note that my predictions are made based on different realities. My thoughts on Canadian health care are based on fiscal reality, factoring in things like demographics and projected tax income. My projections for the United States is based entirely on American political reality, which you might have noticed has been quite different from fiscal reality for the last seven years.
During the Bush administration, the American people have gotten a healthy dose of Republican socialism, and let's face it, if voters didn't like getting free shit, President Bush wouldn't have given it to you in time for the 2004 election, now would he? Some of you might quibble with me on this, but the "free" prescription drug benefit added to Medicare is projected to cost over $800 billion over 10 years. But voters don't give a shit about that. They just hear the words "free" and "benefit," and they practically come in their pants.
 Here's another reason the plan was Marxist. Your jabbering dupe of a fucking president gave up one of the most powerful tools capitalism provides: the right to bargain. Not only are your goddamn happy pills not free, you schmucks are actually paying retail for them. WalMart bargains on price with the pharmacutical companies based on bulk purchasing, but the United States government can't. Way to go.
Public heath care will almost certainly be a consequence of the "slippery slope." Free prescription drugs are of little use if you can't afford to see someone who can actually precribe them. Eventually, even your average American voter will figure that out.
My theory is that voters will someday figure out if the government is handing out free shit, it may as well be free shit that benefits them personally. Whether of not socialized medicine helps anybody is entirely beside the point. Voters, particularly of the American variety don't care about that. They care about giant ballon drops, "Misson Accomplished" banners, and Barack Obama's taste in lapel-wear. Everything other than that is considered incidental and best left until after the election.
Times have changed since 1993, folks. Not only is Hillary Clinton a raving fucking socialist, but so is the majority of the GOP. There is now effectively no real political opposition to national health care in America. Add to that the fact that health care costs are rising at something like seven times the rate of inflation and you've got a incubator for a pretty serious political cause.
Worse still, big business is increasingly lobbying for it. In the few places left in America where Taft-Hartley didn't destroy unions, health care benefits are rapidly becoming the single biggest expense for the employers of unionized workers. And in most unions, you carry your health benefits with you into retirement.
And that was fine in a pre-globalization world. There was no real competition then. But with NAFTA and GATT, it is much easier for American business to pack up and move to countries with educated workforces and national health care systems. Employers aren't like governments. If they can find someone else to pay for something, they will. Each and every fucking time.
That's why more "American" cars were built in Ontario last year than in Michigan.
As a rule, Canadians are better-paid than Americans and have a better standard of living. We also pay quite a bit more in taxes. Why then would they American automotive industry move here? Health care. If the federal government pays for it, it means that General Motors doesn't have to. What they lose in taxes, they more than make up for in savings on their collective agreements.
If anything, the northern exodus of the American industrial sector might keep our health care system afloat longer than I originally thought. God knows that that, oil, and being the only G8 country with balanced budgets are the only things keeping us out of the financial abyss the United States is slipping into.
I'm totally against socialized medicine, but I'm afraid you might be right about the way the U.S. is headed. On the other hand, I don't see it as set in stone. One thing I read about recently (I'm too lazy to look up the link) was that some fucker with a French name who was credited as one of the author's of Canada's national healthcare system had written an op-ed about the need to allow more choice as to private insurance and private care. This seems like a really big deal to me. It seems like a substantial retreat from the generally internationally accepted position on socialized medicine by someone who matters. But I don't know shit. "Choice" is one of the great asshole Republican misrepresentations of the Canadian health care system. Under the Ontario Health Insurence Plan (OHIP), I can see any doctor I want for any reason I want. Under private insurance, you can only see the doctor who accepts that company's plan. There's probably far more "choice" under my system than yours, particularly for the 47 million of you who have no choice at all.
Furthermore, while the Canada Health Act disallows private insurance for procedures covered by the provincial plans, private insrance itself isn't illegal. And any Canadian who can afford it has an alternative option. You might have heard of it, Luke. It's called the United States. Servicing rich Canadians has become something of a cash cow for American doctors in recent years.
Luke's argument mirrors that of Canadian liberal fuckheads who decry a "two-tier" health care system and don't recognize that we already have one and always have. The people who are going to be hardest hit by socialized medicine are going to be wealthy Canuks who just can't wait for their foreskin tuck.
Lest I be accused of "praising" or "defending" Canada's system by people like Mook, let me point out that I'm firmly convinced that the system won't long survive my generation. And there are currently any number of massive problems within the system. These include wait times and the exodus of nurses in particular who move south for a big payday.
But national health care is a political question and not a rational one. And voters have a great deal of trouble distinguishing between the two. And the politics pretty much dictates that America will join the rest of the industrialized world in our delusion before the rest of us go broke. On the other hand, The United States is doing just fine going broke without socialized medicine. I find it incredibly amusing that you're heading toward our system when you can least afford it.
Having said that, the Bush administration has already created a welfare state for the pharmacuetical, credit and investment banking industries. Companies like Archer Daniels Midland and Lockheed Martin continue to profit enormously from government practices so patently fucking silly that even Moscow and Beijing don't engage in them anymore. If the American people can afford that, have fun explaining to them why they have to worry themselves stupid when their kids get sick.
Once voter sentiment joins with the whims of big business, you can bet your ass that politicians aren't far behind. And that's a hard rain that's a-gonna fall in the not too distant future.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Dear Doctor By: The Rolling Stones From: Beggar's Banquent
PermalinkLabels: ... And Then You're Gonna Die, Ask skippy, Fun With Politics
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