Last weekend John McCain was on Saturday Night Live doing a Weekend Update segment on the seemingly endless Democratic primary battle. In the middle of it, the two anchors (who I've never heard of) began arguing. McCain just looks to the side and says "That's right, fight among yourselves" to emphasize the Obama-Clinton split.
That seems to be happening in the Canadian Liberal blogosphere and I think it's the funniest fucking thing in the world. Warren Kinsella and Jason Cherniak are like the Eddie Van Halen and David Lee Roth of people who are wrong. Both of them get about eleventy billion hits and almost never talk about fucking. That of course gets me very upset and insanely jealous.
Cherniak, who spends most of his free time knitting sweaters for Stephane Dion, is a big fan of a proposed carbon tax that the Liberals are dumb enough to build a campaign around. Jason agrees with Dion more than Dion does, which isn't all that hard, actually.
Warren's days are filled with alienating himself from the federal Liberal Party, watching John Tory throw away a perfectly good election and proclaiming himself an electoral genius as a result. But he wants you to know that he's a punk rock guy. Being a middle-aged former chief of staff to a federal minister and a registered lobbyist is all about raging against machines of all descriptions. When not raging against a machine, Warren Kinsella works to further its interests. John Lydon would be so proud.
Anyhow, Kinsella has been saying for weeks that running on a giant new tax is so blinding stupid that anyone should recognize it immediately. Jason suggests that, as a nuanced policy, a carbon tax is just what Canada needs ... even though he and his leader didn't feel that way just three years ago.
One of my favorite things about this blog is when I write that a given policy is stupid. Inevitably, one of my commenters will deftly compose sixteen paragraphs explaining why I am an idiot and the policy is the most wonderful in the history of civilization. They often use large, impressive words with many syllables to do so.
What that does is reinforce my original point. If you can't explain something in a 30 second ad or in a sound-bite, you're fucked. Election campaigns are about reaching out to voters and voters are exceptionally lazy and ignorant. They resent to actually have to go out and learn something and they inevitably punish the politician who insists that they do.
Besides, a candidate's job in politics is to communicate ideas in a brief, yet memorable way. That's where nonsense like "a shining city on a hill" and a "place called hope" comes from. If you go any further than that, voters head to the refrigerator or resume beating their wives. Knowing that might make me incredibly cynical, but it also makes me right.
You might have every perfect argument in the world for a carbon tax, but if you can't communicate them in 30 seconds, all the public is going to hear is "new tax" and they'll vote accordingly. Jason might not like that, but I'm pretty sure that he doesn't like it when it rains on his birthday either. There are just some things in life that you can't change, regardless of how unpleasant they are.
This morning Mr. Cherniak decided to interrupt his virtual saliva-swapping with Mr. Kinsella to educate his readers about their differences on the carbon tax and Kinsella's possible motives for his heresy. All things being equal, it was a rather respectful post. Much more so than mine would have been.
The problem is that Warren doesn't do respectful. The guy is, after all, a punk. He demands total fealty and god help you if you don't give it.
If you disagree with the philosophical basis for hate speech laws, Warren calls you a nazi even though he hates being called that himself. If you e-mail him outlining your differences with him, he publishes your IP address. And he threatens to sue. A lot.
All Jason did was point out that some of Kinsella's professional associations might be a factor in his political positions. That would hardly be unique and probably not even something that would discredit an ordinary blogger's credibility. There are two problems with Warren's situation.
First, he never mentions a potential conflict. If he came right out and said "Look, I have the petroleum association as a client but a carbon tax is still ruthlessly dumb politics," no one would make an issue out of it. Blogging is blogging, and your job is your job.
Second, Mr. Kinsella has a long history of being allergic to full disclosure until it suits his interests. He wrote an anonymous column about Ottawa politics for Eye, yet bitches endlessly about anonymous bloggers and commenters. He rues that they make money from prostitution advertising, but he made sure that he got his share of it. The same is true of his tenure at the National Post, which only became an organ of the KKK when he stopped working for them. Warren seems to be willing to overlook a lot so long as he's getting paid.
Calling Warren on his almost stellar hypocrisy is an invitation to jihad. Whether you are his friend or foe means nothing to him. Christ, this guy goes to war with his former employers on a regular basis.
The response to Jason Cherniak's entirely fair points was classic Warren.
Yeah, that's respectful.
Hey, Jason, now that we are including a few thousand people on the conversation, perhaps you can tell me why - when you were lobbying people at my firm and elsewhere to get me to hire you - you weren't so very preoccupied with client lists. Your outrage is selective, I'd say.
Among other things.
Wow, that's awfully personal, isn't it? I don't think that I've ever seen someone who calls himself a political professional and actually wrote a book called "Kicking Ass in Canadian Politics" get all fucking hurt and sad like that before. Jason pointed out something that Warren should have mentioned himself and Kinsella responded like he was Jake LaMotta and didn't like the way Jason cooked his fucking steak.
Look, I disagree with pretty much everything Jason Cherinak has ever said. I question his political judgement almost every day and some days I question his very sanity. But I think that he's a pretty good kid. I don't question his motives at all. Warren, on the other hand, is the kind of guy who would attack Hitler only after the war was safely over, as is evidenced by his stands on prostitution advertising and the free speech stance of the National Post.
I don't think that Jason was at all out of line with what he wrote in his post. The fact that Warren didn't point out his own professional connections before making his political position public is a valid point. One sentence would have negated the entire thing. And the fact that Jason might have sought employment with Warren's ridiculous little company is irrelevent.
Even though I'm pretty sure he won't, Mr. Cherniak should respond to Kinsella's jihad in kind. First, it would show a killer instinct that the Liberals haven't shown in a long time. Second, it's always funny watching lawyers engage in a slapfight.
Breaking up is not only hard to do, it's sad to watch. And like most sad things, I enjoy it immensely.
As Senator McCain said last weekend, "That's right, fight among yourselves."
I don't get many readers from my home and native land. I'm much bigger in the United States and, oddly enough, Korea, than I am here in Canada. Canadians almost universally hate me. You will, too. Just look around the blog and you'll find something that gets you really angry.
Anyhow, thanks for stopping by.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: You're Gonna Miss Me By: The 13th Floor Elevators From: The Psychedelic World of the 13th Floor Elevators
ON PUBLISHING CONTRACTS, BLOGGERS & THE INJUSTICE OF BEING skippy
Dreams are terrible, horrible things. They tend to be so close, yet so very far away. Dreams taunt you at every turn and make your every waking moment an exercise in withstanding torture.
For example, all I've ever wanted was a beautiful stranger with giant hooters and a snapping hoo-hoo to approach me on the street and introduce herself by saying, "My clothes itch and you look like you could really use a blowjob. Would you like to go to my place?" That hasn't happened to me once, probably never will, and explains why I gave up dreaming when I was five years old better than anything else.
It's also striking how one person's dream can be another's nightmare. I've often thought about how nice it would be to be locked in a small room with a number of undersexed Mexican women, but Brenda Martin can't stop complaining about just that.
And then there are book deals.
I've spent most of my life trying to figure out how establish a career by sitting around the house and getting drunk. The only occupation that seems to facilitate that is professional writing, preferably the authorship of books. Did you know that almost all of America's winners of the Nobel Prize for literature before 1950 were insufferable drunks? All F. Scott Fitzgerald had to do was write The Great Gatsby - which is a very short book - and he was granted a lifetime's worth of alcohol and beautifully bodied drunkard women.
Unfortunately, writing The Great Gatsby seems to take an awful lot of talent and I have none. Also, it's already been done.
Instead, I've devoted the last five years to cataloguing the reasons why everyone but me is retarded and all the truly wonderful things about the female form. Sadly, publishers don't seem to be very interested in my intellectual superiority and award-winning rimjobs. They're far too busy being swept away by scumbags like James Frey, who resort to lying about the deviant activities that I commonly get out of the way before breakfast.
Most of my readers know that I'm the go-to guy on moral degeneracy, but nobody seems to have alerted the fine folks at Random House to that fact. What I lack in inborn writing ability, I more than make up for in the ability to injest vast quantities of unwise chemicals until I fall down and vomit on myself. And that should count for something, shouldn't it?
Blogging seemed to be the ideal path to a life of irresponsible sunstance abuse and sucking up to Oprah. All the original Wonkette, Ana Marie Cox, ever did was write about being repeatedly sodomized, and now she gets to go on TV and talk about politics with Chris Matthews. I on the other hand write about sodomy on a fairly regular basis, and all it's ever gotten me is your eternal love. Oh, and it's given me the opportunity to get naked with a few women that I'd otherwise never have a shot with because I'm a congenital loser and a singularly unsightly one at that.
Don't get me wrong, there's limitless blog money out there. I'm just not getting any of it.
A good example of wild blog money is Christian Lander of the highly regarded Stuff White People Like. The New York Times is reporting this morning that Mr. Lander has signed a $300,000 deal with Random House. $300,000 for an author who almost never writes about the joys of sodomy? How can that be?
To be fair, sex is one of the things that white people like as documented by Chrstian.
Mr. Lander’s more yuppified targets presumably like sex just fine — especially if sex is with Asian women, whom 95 percent of white men have dated or wanted to date at some point, he notes in No. 11, Asian Girls.
So that's the secret! I've written at some length of my desire to sodomize white, Indian and black girls, but I overlooked Asian ones. That's not to say that I don't want to sodomize an Asian girl. In fact, there are few things that I'd like more. I'm dedicated to the proposition of building a rainbow coalition of ass.
I just didn't know that including Asian girls was so important. The great publishing houses of North America seem to have a profound case of yellow fever. Who knew?
Well, I'd just like to state for the record that I'd very much like to sodomize an Asian girl. I'll sodomize several of them at once if that'll get me $300,000 any sooner. After all, I have ten fingers that I won't be doing anything with. To show how dedicated to my craft I am, I'll even start with Asia Carerra.
For the longest time President George W. Bush told us that the Iraqi government of Saddam Hussien was in possession of weapons of mass destruction. These weapons, Bush contended, could be passed along to terrorist groups and used against American cities.
Of course, no rational person could imagine Saddam doing something so clearly suicidal unless faced with an imminent attack to remove his regime by the United States. For that reason, President Bush insisted on the invasion of Iraq.
It has since been revealed that those WMD did not in fact exist. On the other hand, the United States military has a wide variety of weapons that can be used on American cities. I recommend starting with Detroit.
There were any number of liberal idiots who were profoundly pissed about the truth of Saddam's weapon. But I was okay with it. Just because WMD was a particularly silly reason to go to war - and likely would have resulted in a chemical attack against New York if it was true - doesn't negate the fact that there were all kinds of other reasons to take Saddam down.
For the better part of a year now, we've had Senator Hillary Clinton tell us about her heroic struggles during the battle of Tuzla. Hillary charged that hill and secured that airport, we're told, single-handedly, thus securing a Happy Easter for all of Bosnia's Muslims.
When questioned closely, the Clinton campaign assured us all that Chelsea, Sheryl Crow and Sinbad were brought along only as an affirmative action program for useless people.
And you know what? I wasn't all that shocked when I learned that someone named Clinton perhaps shouldn't be trusted on their memories of what they have or haven't done. This because I've always thought that Hillary is a cunt.
You see, I'm rather fond of the truth, but I'm by no means married to it. Since I assume that everyone is an asshole anyway, having it verified for me isn't a huge priority of mine.
That all changed last week when I learned that the truth is the most hurtful fucking thing on the planet and should be immediately outlawed. Most of us don't live the life of New York's new governor, Stevie Wonder David Patterson, who brings us on happy and exciting adventures of truth each and every day. No, the truth is Kyra Phillips and the rest of us are her sister-in-law.
And it couldn't be more appropriate that the truth's latest assault on me involves Lindsay Lohan.
I may not be a big believer in the positive power of truth, but I do believe in fate. And I know beyond any doubt that I will someday be ruined by my penis. I've known this since childhood and I've grown comfortable with it. That Miss Lohan instigates that genital apocalypse is a reasonable causation for my demise than any other. Actually, given her hobbies, it is far more than reasonable.
Unlike everybody's Drunken Stepfather (link NSFW), I would never refer to any woman as a "vagina lickin' cokehead" as if those were somehow negative qualities. Any discerning gentleman will tell you that those are things that generally improve the modern woman.
Some of you have mocked and belittled my love for La Lohan, but I know that someday statues dedicated to it will be erected in town squares throughout the western world. And when I learned last week that there might in fact be a fucktape starring Lindsay (also NSFW) out there, I nearly began erecting those statues myself.
If you really want to know why there was so little posting here last week, now you know. Things were so dire that the brilliant and beautiful Joan e-mail to express her concern for my welfare. It was an epic struggle between my mighty prick and right hand, and that my heart could keep up remained an open question. Luckily for all of you, I rest my buttplug and cock ring on top of my defibilator because the use of one almost always necessitates the others.
Sadly, the truth reared its ugly head just long enough to deliver yet another vicious blow to my testicles when it became generally accepted that the video was a fraud. I was despondent. Never before was I so convinced that nothing would ever go my way. I knew at long last that I was forever doomed to a life without hope. The experience was hurtful beyond words and I resolved to never trust the Internet again, allied as it is with both the truth and Al Gore, my two most deadly enemies.
But even now, in the depths of my darkest hour, there remains hope, if just a glimmer. Although the video has almost conclusively been proven to be fake, my beautiful Lindsay thinks that it might just be real.
There are any number of things that can be said about a big-titted starlet with drug problems and the inability to remember which of her paramours that she recorded herself fellating, but any comprehensive list would start by saying that she should get a medal of some sort. If Congress isn't involved yet, it should be. It's not like it's addressing any other issue of importance.
If nothing else, Lindsay Lohan has managed to accomplish what Jesse Jackson failed to do over and over again. She and her wandering oral cavity have managed to keep hope alive.
And for just once in my life, the truth might actually be on my side.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: She By: Gram Parsons From: GP
WHEN ALL YOU HAVE IS HOPE: BARACK OBAMA & THE GREAT AMERICAN NIGHTMARE
At this point, one can fairly say that Senator Barack Obama is the presumptive Democratic nominee for president. I'd also say that the odds are slightly better than even that he will also win the general election in November and become the 44th president of the United States.
Like most presidents of the last fifty years, Obama is running on a platform of fundmental nothingness. The current president campaigned as a "compassionate conservative" who would "restore honor and dignity to the Oval Office," whatever that means. Bill Clinton believed in "a place called Hope," but never explained how this qualified him to command America's ICBM forces.
Even four years after his death, President Reagan is still being credited with something as intangible as "making America feel good about itself again." His impeachable conduct in the Iran-Contra scandal is remembered not at all. A majority of non-academic Americans strongly believe that John F. Kennedy was the greatest president in history, despite their inability to accurately name five things that he accomplished during his thousand days in the White House.
For decades, candidates have been embracing platitudes and avoiding the difficult questions of governence. Voters accept this because voters are sheep and they consequently get exactly what they deserve; government by, for and of the soundbite.
The overwhelming majority of Americans seem to like it that way. Judging candidates on their policies is intellectually challenging and not infrequently involves math. One should always remember that President Bush convinced voters that he was the candidate of small government, despite promising to spend a trillion dollars more than John Kerry.
For that reason, American electons are more popularity contest than anything else, more an exercise in electing a class president than president of the United States. With the notable exception of Richard Nixon, the more "likeable" candidate always wins the presidency. This is widely known as the "who would you rather have a beer with" test.
Senator Obama follows in, and in many ways exemplifies, that sad tradition. Make no mistake, the man is a fantastic orator. However, like former President Bill Clinton, he doesn't actually say anything as much as he says it beautifully.
"I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man."
That's how Delaware's senator and recent presidential candidate Joe Biden described Obama just over a year ago. Biden was justifiably frustrated with the Obama phenomenon. Whether you like him or not, Biden was the only candidate in the Democratic field with a deep understanding of policy as a opposed to rhetoric. Yes, he is an insufferable blowhard, but he actually did have ideas, particularly in foreign policy.
Obama has none of that. His policy prescriptions differ not at all from those of Hillary Clinton or even George W. Bush, which involve spending endless amounts in money as a means of pleasing Democratic constituency groups. If anything, the Clinton and Obama plans might be more conservative than Bush's in that they don't rely exclusively on federal government subsidies.
But none of the ideas are orignial and in many ways, they barely qualify as ideas. Universal health care, for example, has been on the agenda since Harry Truman was president. The Department of Education was established in October of 1979, and no one has figured out what it's supposed to actually do since. Want to hear an interesting fact? Even socialist Canada doesn't have a federal Ministry of Education. We leave that to the provinces. Sound familiar? I didn't think so.
What Barack Obama has been able to do better than any candidate in my lifetime is to build a personality cult. That his personality is less insidious than, say, Mao Zedong's makes this palatable to the average voter. Obama is frequently compared to Bobby Kennedy, which does Obama a great disservice, as RFK was one of the most twisted, bitter and dangerous figures in American history. Until the current President Bush ambled his way into our lives, the younger Kennedy brother ordered more wiretaps than anyone else.
A large part of that cult is predicated on Obama's "change" platform. Change is vague enough to be meaningless, but since Americans are far more revolutionary than they are conservative, they love it. Seemingly everyone has a change agenda, even the people you'd least expect.
If you look up the definition of "conservative" in the dictionary, here's what you'll find: "disposed to preserve existing conditions, institutions, etc., or to restore traditional ones, and to limit change." That didn't stop a ghoul like Mitt Romney from posing as a "change agent." Christ, President George H.W Bush started framing himself that way, despite the fact that he himself was what 63% of the electorate decided needed changing.
Change isn't always negative. For example, when Hezbollah has a more consistent foreign policy than does the White House's current occupant, change may actually refect a national survival instinct than anything else. But I would suggest that if someone as horridly soulless as Mitt Romney can campaign on change, change effectively ceases to mean anything at all.
Which brings us to hope. If there actually is something to the notion of "American exceptionalism," it is the notion of hope. Once a nation as stoutly isolationist as North Korea, the United States has spent much of the last century honestly seeking to bring hope to large swaths of the world. From the Marshall Plan to the current president's HIV/AIDS initiative in Africa, the American people have been a force of human kindness in the world.
Even their worst blunders, Vietnam and Iraq, refect that. The American people are soldiers of hope to the point of being almost dangerously naive at times. They actually do believe themselves to be a force of hope for the world. Y'know, unless you happen to be Mexican or something. Then you get to be Willie Horton, a wedge issue and a self-defeating one at that.
Unfortunately, Washington, DC, is the place where hope goes to die. Actually, that isn't true. It suggests that hope is surrounded by loved ones as it passes into the great unknown in peace. The District of Columbia is more accurately described as where hope is brutally raped, sold into sexual slavery and tortured to death with the business end of a broken vodka bottle and a blowtorch.
My great friend and your Maximum Leader wrote brilliantly about this recently. I highly recommend his essay to anyone interested in what an Obama presidency would look like. And the more I think about it, the more convinced I am that he can actually win.
His opponents have made much about experience mattering. What that ignores is that Obama actually has more experience in politics than George W. Bush did in 2000 and about as much as Ronald Reagan did in 1980. If Pat Brown couldn't shut down Reagan on experience and the Clinton family can't do it to Obama, I can't see a scenario where the issue works for John McCain.
The president who came to office with the most glittering array of experiences had served 10 years in the House of Representatives, then became minister to Russia, then served 10 years in the Senate, then four years as secretary of state (during a war that enlarged the nation by 33 percent), then was minister to Britain. Then, in 1856, James Buchanan was elected president and in just one term secured a strong claim to the rank as America's worst president. Abraham Lincoln, the inexperienced former one-term congressman, had an easy act to follow.
Nobody goes negative quite like the Clintons do. If you doubt that assertion, there are any number of political corpses like George H.W Bush, Bob Dole and Newt Gingrich that are available to consult. The Clintons, particularly Bill, can paint you as a child rapist and make it seem like they're giving you a compliment as they do it.
The problem is that Obama is seemingly impervious to it. I've never seen anything like it before. The harder he gets hit, the more people love him and the wider his electoral margins become. And like the Clintons, the Republicans aren't exceptionally good at running positive campaigns. George W. Bush ran against Bill Clinton, George H.W Bush ran against Michael Dukakis, Ronald Reagan ran against both Gerald Ford and Jimmy Carter. Even the most hopeful Republican president since Theodore Roosevelt, Dwight Eisenhower ran against the perceived corruption of the Truman years.
Unless John McCain can break the GOP electoral model more than I think he can, he's running into his own oblivion. To win, he's going to have to break every single tradition of Republican electioneering and run the most relentlessly positive campaign in history. What worked for Bush is not going to work for McCain, there's absolutely no way he can win this election on the backs of Mexicans and homosexuals. If those assholes in the jihad wing of the Republican Party force him to try, Obama and the American people will drown them both.
2004 was like the Super Bowl halftime show in the War on Terror, where you could compete on who hated fags more and who could spend more money the fastest. Hopefully, silly time is over. Add to that the legacy of ashes the President Bush leaves McCain and won't allow him to fully repudiate.
Then there's the inevitable matter of race. Americans have, to their credit, spent their entire history obsessed with the issue. But a great number of voters who otherwise wouldn't have cast their ballots for John F. Kennedy so that they could assure themselves that they weren't bigoted. I fully expect that phenomenon to repeat itself in November.
Barring a miracle, Barack Obama will be the next president of the United States. That's where the fun begins.
Jack Kennedy ran as a change agent who was going to change Washington, too. And he got precisely nothing done. Other than a tax cut and the Test Ban Treaty, most of Kennedy's agenda was passed after his assissination by Lyndon Johnson, who was more familiar with the mechanics of Washington than anyone in the history of the United States. It was the triumph of skill over hope.
An even greater example of how Washington will change you before you change Washington is that of Ronald Reagan. President Reagan is remembered as a great tax-cutter, and he did pass one tax cut. This was followed by no fewer than six tax increases, which were adorably disguised as "revenue enhancements." Of course, that was before the GOP developed a powerful allergy to mathematics and started applauding deviants like the current president and his fantasy budgets.
That is no less true with the Cold War. The historical ignorance of the nu-conservative movement is stunning. To listen to them, you would believe that President Reagan stopped just short of banging his shoe on a podium and promising to bury the Soviet Union. While they never stop reminding you of the "evil empire" and "Mr. Gorbechev, tear down this wall" speeches, the nu-conservatives aren't likely to remember that Reagan also signed the most sweeping arms control treaty in human history with the Soviets, which drove the president's contemporary conservatives absolutely insane.
Amatuers like George W. Bush, Mitt Romney and most of the blogosphere aren't going to tell you this, but the Ronald Reagan who was elected in 1980 would barely recognize the Ronald Reagan who returned to California in 1989. And the inescapable conclusion is that the Washington machine - to say nothing of actual reality - had something to do with that.
Bill Clinton came to office seeking revolutionary changes such as gays in the military and universal health care. Washington changed that in a hurry, and Clinton thereafter became a perfectly acceptable Eisenhower Republican, albeit one with a tremendous problem in his pants.
The only modern president to be completely unchanged by Washington is the current one. He came to the White House having bankrupted everything he touched that wasn't exempted from federal anti-trust laws, and he'll leave having bankrupted the United States itself. He came to office knowing nothing about foreign policy and he'll return to Texas knowing even less.
The simple fact is that Washington isn't a machine designed to accomodate intangible things like change and hope. It isn't geared and tooled that way. Even if you look at the most successful of America's revolutionary presidents, Theodore Roosevelt, you learn that while he could change Washington for a time with the force of his personality, it rapidly changed back within months of his leaving office in March of 1909. The status quo was returned to power until the Great Depression.
Roosevelt and Bush are the extremes. One changed Washington temporarily, and the other threw himself into its gears, disabling both. Kennedy, Reagan and Clinton are in the middle, being changed by Washington more than they changed it. I don't expect Barack Obama to be Theodore Roosevelt, but I don't expect him to be George W. Bush either. Bush is an anomoly of history, more commonly found in the dying days of the Roman Empire than modern Washington.
I'm not sure that it matters in any event. The more I think about it, the more I think that the United States is in the middle of a long period of caretaker presidents, much like between the Lincoln and McKinley assassinations. There haven't been very many acts of historical greatness since the 1972 China opening, and Vietnam, Watergate, Iran-Contra, the Lewinsky impeachment and the entire Bush presidency has created what will soon be a greatly weakened executive.
Regardless of who wins in November, that trend will continue. If McCain wins, he will face an opposition Congress with increased majorities unseen since 1974. If Obama wins - and unless he's a lot more cynical than I think that he is - he'll face an institutional machine determined to thrwart his idealism. Remember, the Clinton health care plan was killed by a heavily Democratic Congress.
As much as Brack Obama likes to fancy himself as Theodore Roosevelt, he isn't and it wouldn't matter if he was. He'll be succeeding a tragically failed predecessor instead of a popular leader who actually won a manufactured war and was felled by a bullet. And Washington isn't what it was in 1901. Television, money and institutional hubris has changed that dynamic forever. It will also be a good long time before another president is given the latitude that this administration has been.
If you're betting on hope against the machine, you're a fool and you deserve to have your heart broken. I was inured by that when I saw heros like George H.W Bush and Bob Dole lose to a punk like Bill Clinton. I won't like seeing a good and great man like John McCain lose to Barack Obama, but I don't think that Obama is evil in almost metaphysical ways like Clinton was, either.
So who wins from this? Your Maximum Leades and I do, of course.
You see… Young people (and frankly some older people too) are all captivated by Barack Obama. They like him. They want him to win. And, worst of all, they are starting to believe him. They believe that he can change Washington. They believe that he can give people hope. They believe that he can deliver hope to all and make America a better place. As Barack Obama moves closer to his party’s nomination, they will believe more and more and more.
That is when reality will have them on the tracks in front of the speeding train called inevitability. Only unlike Neo, they will not escape.
You see… What is making your Maximum Leader so happy is that he will get tremendous joy when reality sets in and the dreams and aspirations of countless millions of his countrymen will be inevitably crushed. Crushed like bones through a grinder. Dreams ground down into a bitter powder and then swallowed without the benefit of water.
Oh yes… It will be glorious.
I think I owe your Maximum Leader some quality Cuban cigars in violation of his country's ridiculous embargo for clarifying my thoughts as he did.
Really, you teenagers should read Naked Villainy more. If I was smart, I would've written this stupid blog in the third person from the get-go.
No matter what happens, it should be be clear to everyone by now that Al Gore gave up the opportunity of a lifetime to win the easiest election since 1932.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Changes By: David Bowie From: Hunky Dory
If you have anything even remotely resembling a soul, you miss Joan and Seven Inches of Sense more than the English language can describe. Joan is so gifted a writer that she can make you laugh, cry and create a giant sticky stain in your pants all in one paragraph. She's got a big future, that girl.
Not only is she incredibly talented, she's beautiful in ways that will make you rip your own genitals off and run around the room screaming, both because of the pain and the fact that you know it won't impress her nearly as much as it should. For some reason, women that gorgeous are never impressed by the same things ordinary girls are.
There are few things I dream of as intensely as I do burying my head between Joan's glorious ass cheeks and licking for the entire period between total lunar eclipses (the next one being in December of 2010) or until she agrees to marry me, whichever comes first. And that's how you know how great Joan is. I'm pretty sure that no one would be writing about their overwhelming compulsion to perform analingus on me five months after I quit my blog. How do I know this? Because nobody writes about it now, when I'm posting every fucking day.
The thing is, I've never actually seen Joan's ass. But that doesn't stop me from acknowledging it for it is: sheer perfection. Whenever I get lost in a frenzied bout of masturbation daydream about Joan, I imagine her ass looking just like Vida Guerra's.
If you're really lazy like me, you're jealous of the way that Miss Guerra has been able to make a very confortable living off of having one of the greatest asses in human history that aren't Joan's. It is the kind of diererre that the world's great works of poetry have been written about. If I were to write a complete list of things that I would like to do to Vida Guerra's ass, this post would be the length of a Tolstoy novel, but actually interesting and not something you'd be forced to read in college.
Say what you will about Lindsay Lohan, but she actually does pretend to have a marketable talent other than the power to make me soak myself and my immediate surroundings in my DNA. Vida doesn't even bother with the pretense and she never has. She enlarges her bank account using only her ability to make me blast my goo further than she did the last time I saw her.
And if that doesn't convince you of what's great about America (and, for that matter, England, which seems to produce four broads like that each and every week), then you'll never be convinced. However, you will convince me that you're a communist and very probably a homo.
But if you think that Vida Guerra's ability to alter your perception of reality with her gluteus maximus is her only gift, that just shows how little you really know, my friend.
Ladies, if you ever wanted a reason to be glad that I've spent my life too drunk and busy with my hands shoved down the front of my pants to attain any measure of political power, you now have it. If I was in charge of anything, I'd pass a law that you all be able to flex your boobies like that. If you couldn't or wouldn't, you'd be forced to live in the woods and away from civilized people. Or thrown in a well. I haven't worked out all of the details yet.
But now you know why Vida Guerra is the most talented girl ever! I've watched that video for the last 13 hours straight and I still haven't compiled a complete list of what she could do to my penis with that talent.
Also, I really hope that she'll fuck me, because God knows Joan never will after this vulgar little display. Jesus, I'm gauche.
I would really have liked to have written this to you privately, but given your habit of publishing the IP addresses of your critics, I thought better of it.
I know that my comment about Ezra Levant's begging for crucifixion but complaining about the view was adorable. Really, I do. I published it for just that reason. My regular readers know that I'm a cutey-pie on no fewer than thirteen different levels.
You must have thought it was pretty cute too, because you used it as a title for a post on your widely read blog. I was actually kind of flattered by that, if for no other reason that it reinforces my privately held view that I rule the fucking universe.
What troubles me is that you used my work without attribution. I can understand why you didn't link the article that the quote came from because it is in fundamental disagreement with everything you believe.
I understand how a famous political strategist and celebrity blogger with a hundred zillion hits might be afraid of presenting an article that disagrees with your point of view, particularly when that disagrement comes from someone who is read by about five people a day.
While I find it odd that you'll link neo-nazi, white power websites to further your argument but not mine, I don't expect the same "courtesy." However, some kind of attribution other than "Quote of the week, spotted on a blog in a web-walk this morning. Classic." would be nice.
Mr. Kinsella, you're a political celebrity in this country and an Interwebs superhero. I wouldn't be at all surprised if you climb walls and shoot webs out of your wrists. You really shouldn't be afraid of letting your readers actually read my argument if you're going to cherry-pick quotes from it to further yours.
Please Don't Sue Me, skippy.
Update: Thanks, Warren. I appreciate it.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Straight to Hell By: The Clash From:The Clash On Broadway
DICK DARMAN IS DEAD: NOTES ON WHY MICK STOCKINGER IS AN EVIL, IGNORANT DICKHEAD
Canadians commenting on U.S. politics is only slightly less lame than Americans commenting on Canadian politics. As an ex-pat Canadian, I don't even attempt commentary on what's going on back in Canuckistan.
You apparently feel you should rush in where angels fear to tread.
Its not customary to actually elect competent and qualified people to parliament. I recall watching in horror as the Liberal party nominated a former taxi driver and muttering moron Andrew Telegdi to represent it in the Waterloo, Ontario riding.
You're perfectly representative of that terrifying dynamic--the emotional crippled, devastatingly insecure Canadian with a bleak economic future, frustrated and angry with those more successful, ambitious and happier than they are.
No wonder we elect butchers as our Prime Ministers.
It actually hasn't been very customary to elect competent people here in the U.S. either--but at least now there's a chance that we might.
I keep telling my American friends--don't tell Canadians they're just like Americans--they're not. Well let me give you similar advice--don't impose your proletarian views on the U.S. You'll just look ridiculous.
That was a cooment I received on January 7 by a guy named Mick Stockinger. Mick seems to be the sole poster on a group blog, which seems completely devoted to the election of a mutant like Mitt Romney to the presidency to the United States.
But you'll notice that young Mick didn't ever mention the importance of citizenship in terms of terms of writing about an American election. I've asked him about his voting status, both here and and at his stupid blog. He never really has answered me, which tells me that he's just another hypocritical asshole with a blog. Say what you will about my opinions on American politics, but I'm nothing if not upfront about the fact that I can't vote there.
I don't know this to be true, but I figure that Mick was born and raised in a shithole like Waterloo and was lucky enough to knock up some American broad. Of course, this lets you live in the US, but not work there. And that gives Mick all day to jerk off on his blog about elections he can't vote in, but allows him to paint me as a retard because I don't have a fucking zip code.
Mick won't clear that up. So, as Lyndon Johnson once said, "Let's make the bastard deny it." He's a dickhead who thinks that he's special because he's waiting for a green card. In fact, it is only the aim of his magical penis that makes him any different than the 13 million Mexicans that his candidate of choice promises to make vanish all at once. As a fantastic fucking hypocrite, Mick's what known as Mitt's target demographic .... y'know, if he could vote and all.
This, of course, make me the bad guy. Which I'm actually fine with. I look good in black. It enhances my porcelin complexion and makes my cock look huge.
I was actually prepared to ignore the dumb bastard until I actually read his blog. If you actually read what he has to say, you'd think think that he was actually a cross between Uncle Sam and Captain America, instead of some poor schmuck who pumped the homecoming queen full of his children. Who knew that the same genetic material that routinely shoot all over my chest was capable of making Mick Stockinger the embodiment of the flag and apple pie?
None of that really bothers bothers me. I have at least one hypocritical asshole tell me I look ridiculous every day. Thankfully, Mick isn't in my mirror.
What does bother me is a hypocritical asshole mocking a man on the day he died and using it to further his prefered jerk-off candidate. Most decent people wait until the body's cold before attacking the dead.
Mick obvioulsly isn't a big enough man for that.
I was struck by John McCain's remarks yesterday about the difference between leadership and management.
Not in a good way.
McCain admitted that his intention was to surround himself with "experts" who would advise him on policy, thus one assumes, compensating for his own poor grasp of economic issues.
This opposed to needing experts to tell your candidate what "torture" is, Mick?
There's a president ready, willing and able to make the tough calls!
But back to Mick's being an asshole towards a dead man and further proving that he hasn't got a fucking clue what he's talking about.
Here's Mick's touching euolgy of George H.W Bush's director of the Office of Management and Budget, Richard Darman.
Today I read the obituary of Richard Darman--one of these quasi-anonymous advisors whose influence in politics is hard to over-estimate. Darman is perhaps most famous for engineering George H.W. Bush's tax increase--the one that destroyed his presidency and gave us eight years of Bill Clinton.
Then he quotes this from the Times.
National Review, the conservative magazine, called Mr. Darman’s work “the most catastrophic budget deal of all time,” and Mr. Bush himself later said it was the biggest mistake of his presidency. But many economists believed that the agreement’s tough “pay as you go” rules and a resulting infusion of revenue eased the recession of the early 1990s, and paved the way for the later budget surpluses and economic boom.
It gets worse....
You can ignore the New York Times bullshit at the end about how taking money away from people produces economic boom--Darman's death was just one more opportunity for them to tell the BIG LIE.
For my purposes today, I am less interested in the economic lessons than the political one. Bush bought the Darman proposal because he, like McCain, was ignorant.
Wow. Not only is using the death of a faithful civil servant of the United States government as tool for partisan mudslinging hopelessly classless, it demonsrates an almost hopelessly shitheaded ignorance of American history.
What Mick doesn't tell you is that what Newt fucking Gingrich called the "Night of the Long knives" occurred in October of 1990. The Democrats were threatening a budget shutdown over the deficit. If a budget didn't hit certain targets, a little law called the Gramm - Rudman - Hollings Balanced Budget Act would have kicked in. That would have imposed mandatory spending cuts on every cabinet agency, including the Department of Defense.
You know what else was happening in the fall of 1990? A few hundred thousand Americans were sitting in the Arabian desert, waiting to liberate Kuwait from Iraq. Either a government shutdown or Gramm - Rudman cuts would have fucked with that somewhat.
So President Bush and Dick Darman did the only thing that could, they made a deal. Of course, doctrinaire Republican fuckheads held being a responsible wartime president against him, and handed the office to Bill Clinton. The GOP swore that they'd never have a responsible president again, and that's one promise that they seem to have kept.
I'll assume that Mick is just too stupid to remember what happened in 1990. It's not like I can accuse him of treason against a country that he's not a citizen of, can I?
It seems to me that not only shitheads like Mick, but Republicans generally, wanted to shut down the government and deny President Bush the money to liberate Kuwait, and bitch about the fact that he didn't go "all the way to Baghdad" afterward. Was the Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act of 1990really worse than the Iraqi occupation of Kuwait?
But never mind all of those troublesome fucking facts, Mick wants to get all partisan on your ass.
For my purposes today, I am less interested in the economic lessons than the political one. Bush bought the Darman proposal because he, like McCain, was ignorant.
And you should take that as gospel, folks. Dick Darman was Director of OMB, John McCain has been a United States senator for 22 years, George H.W Bush was the President of the United States, and Mick Hollinger... is a guy who watches TV all day for all anybody knows.
If was halfway smart, I would have recognized the GOP to be stupid, vicious assholes then instead of waiting for the Terri Schiavo case. As you may have noticed, I'm not all that swift myself.
What boy Mick doesn't know is that anything the United States government does is political. If Mick would have prefered that Bush 41 went before the United Nations and said "I know that I said I wanted to liberate Kuwait, but George Mitchell said I'd have to tax yauchts to do it, so ... ummm... sorry", that would have been political, too.
God help us all if we were smart like Mick Stockilnger.
When you don't really know, you are susceptible to all sorts of manipulation, and when you are president of the United States, you are the target of the most sophisticated forms of deception ever invented by man. The upside to convincing a president to exercise his mandate in favor or one group over another, for one policy over another, is absolutely mind-bogglingly huge--billions at a stroke. The ground shakes beneath you.
It happened to Reagan and it happened to the Bushes. Its been happening to McCain for decades. I believe that McCain thinks of himself as a conservative, but he's been in Washington a long time, a man of modest intellectual capacity subjected to metaphorical mind-control beams for many, many years.
Now, to believe that, you have to believe that Mr. Stocklinger is either smarter than three different presidents and somebody who has been in the Congress since 1982, or you have to believe that those four folks recognized reality.
It might just be possible that President Bush broke a stupid promise not only because he had no reasonable, but because it was the right thing to do. There used to be a time when presidents did that, you know.
For the record, Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush have recieved more votes than anyone else in human history. John McCain won his congressional seat four times, and was elected to the senate four times. But Mick, who for all anyone knows can't vote at all, knows better.
Here's Mick's endorsement;
We don't need someone smart, we need someone brilliant. Someone with long experience seeing past sophisticated lies, someone who knows the value of seeing past the fog of uncritical assumption, dogma, crap data and political temptation.
That man may be Mitt Romney.
Oh ...... fucking Christ.
That communist rag Wikipedia has a few things to note about Mitt's fiscal bona fides.
Romney was sworn in as the 70th governor of Massachusetts on January 2, 2003. Upon entering office, Romney faced a projected $3 billion deficit, but a previously enacted $1.3 billion capital gains tax increase and $500 million in unanticipated federal grants decreased the deficit to $1.2 billion.[43] Through a combination of spending cuts, increased fees, and removal of corporate tax loopholes, by 2006 the state had a $700 million surplus and was able to cut taxes.[44][45]
Romney supported raising various fees by more than $300 million, including raising fees for driver's licenses, marriage licenses, and gun licenses.[45] Romney increased the state gasoline tax by 2 cents per gallon, generating about $60 million per year in additional tax revenue.[46] Romney also closed tax loopholes that brought in another $181 million from businesses over the next two years.[46] The state legislature with Romney's support also cut spending by $1.6 billion, including $700 million in reductions in state aid to cities and towns.[47] The cuts also included a $140 million reduction in state funding for higher education, which led state-run colleges and universities to increase tuition by 63%.[46] Romney sought additional cuts in his last year as Massachusetts governor by vetoing nearly 250 items in the state budget. All of those vetoes were overturned by the legislature.[48]
The combined state and local tax burden in Massachusetts increased during Romney's governorship.[46] According to the Tax Foundation, that per capita burden was 9.8% in 2002 (below the national average of 10.3%), and 10.5% in 2006 (below the national average of 10.8%).[49]
And here's a reminder of Mitt's ability to "see past the fog of uncritical assumption, dogma, crap data and political temptation."
If you ever wanted to vote for HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey, you've not only got your chance, but you've got the Mick Stockinger seal of approval.
What annoys me more than the fact that Mr. Stockinger clearly has no idea what he's talking about when it comes to economics or history is that he would use the occasion of a faithful civil servant and agent of the Republican party's death to make nonsensical partisan points.
Pretty much every Republican on earth wrote about what a prick Dick Darman was when he was alive. Only Mick Stockinger did it on the day he died of a particularly nasty form of cancer. Why? Because Mick's classy!
Given the choice between standing with the judgement of the last sensible president of the United States and the family of a man who just died, and someone of dubious voting status, I trust that you'll know where to find me.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Not Great Men By: Gang of Four From: Entertainment!
I was deeply saddened back in May when everybody's favorite Nordic goddess, Annika quit blogging to study for the California bar. I guess it was a noble venture, if only because California is running dangerously low on lawyers. As I write this, there are literally dozens of Golden State ambulances that remain unchased.
Annika's Journal was long one of my daily reads and if you're smart, it was one of yours too. She was also supportive of my stupid little blog - even when it sucked, which is most of the time. Also, I someday hope to kiss her beautifully muscled stomach for hours at a time. Seriously, that girl's hawt, talented and sanely conservative. Beat that!
You should go there and show her your love now. You do know that I'll kill you if you don't, right?
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: (Just Like) Starting Over By: John Lennon From: Double Fantasy
For a long time, the Abu Ghraib prison scandal was the most homoerotic thing I'd ever seen. And that's coming from a guy who just bought a brand spanking new copy of Cruising on DVD, so I know a bit about homoeroticism. Not that that makes you gay or anything.
Anyhow, as soon as I saw those pictures from the most pleasant of Baghdad's suburbs, my first thought was "Wow, the U.S Army has some fucking issues, don't they? I'm glad to see that whole 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' experement worked out so well."
But this isn't a trestise on how Abu Ghraib was a homo wonderland for a bunch of guys from Wisconsin. This is about something deeper and more profoundly disturbing.
As you might have guessed, I'm a heterosexual man. Never experimented. Never had a sword fight. Kids, I've never even been to camp. My mighty, mighty pheremones has broken the hearts of little girls and old ladies alike. Gay people can feel the power of how straight I am and they hate me for it. I'm not sure why, but I think this makes me a persecuted minority. Yet, does Al Sharpton speak for me? No. No, he does not.
I'm a great fan and admirer of Mary Magdalicious. I started this dopey blog because I wanted to get in someone's pants, but I kept it going because I've always hoped that I could be just like Mary when I grow up. Four years ago, we were in the lamented collective Chaos in Motion together, and she was easily the best thing about it. She wrote some truly amazing stuff, stuff that sadly lost to the ages now.
She's really good. You should go through her archives obsessively like I do. Because she's too paranoid to get a sitemeter, she'll never even know you were there. That makes the entire experience feel dirty, tawdry and therefore more fun.
I'm well into the fourth decade of this nightmarish cesspool of a life. I long ago gave up that anything existed that could quell the painful, throbbing representation of my love for women that pounds away at my soul from between my legs. I've lived this way for many, many years and thought that this is the way that I shall someday die.
I thought that until Mary posted this. Now I live in terror that I might not have another erection again. I'll certainly never look at a unicorn the same way again. Mary took me to Abu Ghriab and I feel like a nasty, bad, naughty boy as a consequence. Even I, straightest of men, felt my stance widening.
The worst part is that as I'm writing this, I have Matt Lauer interviewing Larry Craig on in the background. Yes, all roads lead back to Larry. It's a symptom of the universe we live in.
How did life get so gay without my noticing before tonight?
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: He's So Gay By: Frank Zappa From: Thing-Fish
I've never read a Harry Potter novel and I don't understand anyone over the age of 12 who has. It really doesn't seem like it all that long ago that adults reading children's books was considered really fucking creepy. On the other hand, it used to be that adult males who have shitloads of video games used to be the first person the police talked to when a kid got felt up.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that the world sure has changed over the course of the decade that I've been passed out in a puddle of my urine. At least I think it was my urine. Seeing as you have to drink an awful lot to pass out for a decade, I'm not completely sure.
I'm pretty sure if I cared enough to ask, your average adult Harry Potter fan would say that they're "living a second childhood" or something. I can't figure out why anyone would want to do that. Shit, if childhood were so goddamn special, daytime television would go back to being all game shows and Oprah Winfrey would be waiting tables in shithole of a town in Mississippi. As I remember it, childhood consisted mostly of being really short, not knowing much of anything and not having sex. Or at least consensual sex.
Being a kid sucks and Oprah is worth over a billion fucking dollars. So is J.K Rowling. You people and your second childhoods took her off of welfare and bought her a castle in Scotland. I can't even put up an Amazon wishlist without feeling like an asshole and she gets a fucking castle. And I'm not very smart or having sex either. It's like my childhood never ended. I'm just in the really tall, latter stages of it.
Having said all that, I can't be overly upset at J.K Rowling because she has a pretty stellar set of cans. Yes, she's really English-looking in the face, but that can be overlooked. I'd really liked to fuck the overly-Limey-looking Heather Mills too, but I think that has more to do with the fact that she only has one leg and all that Beatle money. I admit it, I'm a man-whore and one with a uni-ped fetish at that. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
I mostly read history and historians are famously unfuckable. I think I should change my reading habits.
If a book can be judged by its author's udders - and I see no reason why it shouldn't - then the greatest writer of all time would be Jodie Sweetin, formerly of the highly annoying television show Full House. Plus, she used to have a really bad meth habit and lost a bunch of teeth but kept her fantastic knockers. Priorities. Courage. Those are the qualities of a great bedtime story, at least in my bed.
I'd say that Joan, Joan of Argghh, De and this girl are the world's greatest living writers, but none of them will show me their boobies. And I've asked really nicely, too. But they keep saying things like "Fuck off, you troll." Then they laugh at me for hours. It's just like childhood.
Can I have a billion dollars now?
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And yes, I am completely aware of just how pointless this post was. I should really re-think this commitment I have to writing every day.
Okay, I've been posting a lot this weekend and there's actually more that I could write about, but I'm very tired and nobody's reading anyway. So, fuck it, I'll do something that writes itself.
A couple of weeks ago, the bootylicious De did something of a "soundtracks to your lives" meme, wherein you answer certain questions with the shuffle play feature on your digital music player.
The problem was that when she posted the meme, I didn't have an mp3 player. I had one that my sister's lovely family got me for Christmas last year, but I formatted it on Windows XP and when I upgraded to Vista, it done died. So I was a sad, ipodless soul
That sucked, particularly since I'd really like to lick every inch of De's lovely buttocks until she howls with pleasure and I figure that participating in her memes is as good a start as any.
So I bought a new ipod. It's black, shint and holds 8 gigs of musical goodness. Actually, it plays video too, so I can actually watch porn at work. This will rule when I grow a set of balls big enough to actually do it.
In any event, here's the meme. Feel free to play along at home.
1. Open your library (iTunes, winamp, media player, iPod) 2. Put it on shuffle 3. Press play 4. For every question, type the song that’s playing 5. New question– press the next button 6. Don’t lie and try to pretend you’re cool
Opening Credits: Rough Boys by: Pete Townshend From: Empty Glass
Waking Up: Fairies Wear Boots by: Black Sabbath From: Paranoid
First Day At School: Not Fade Away by: The Rolling Stones From: Stripped
Falling in Love: Do You Wanna Dance by: The Ramones From: Rocket To Russia
Breaking Up: Changing of the Guards by: Bob Dylan From: Street Legal
Prom: Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground by: The White Stripes From: White Blood Cells
Life’s Okay: Rory Ride Me Raw by: The Vaselines From: All The Stuff And More
Mental Breakdown: When Love Comes to Town by: U2 with B.B King From: Rattle and Hum
Driving: Moanin' the Blues by: Hank Williams From: The Ultimate Collection
Flashback: Senor (Tales of Yankee Power) by: Bob Dylan From: Street Legal
Getting Back Together: Fool in the Rain by: Led Zeppelin From: In Through the Out Door
Wedding: Handshake Drugs by: Wilco From: A Ghost is Born
Birth of a Child: Coney Island Baby By: Lou Reed From: Coney Island Baby
Final Battle : Light Up the Sky By: Van Halen From: Van Halen II
Death Scene: Falling Down By: Tom Waits From: Big Time
Funeral Song: Earth Died Screaming by: Tom Waits From: Bone Machine
End Credits: Mean Street by: Van Halen From: Fair Warning
Just For De: Living Without You by: Randy Newman From: Randy Newman Live
Another One For De, Just Because This Fun: Always By: Leonard Cohen From: The Future
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Little T & A By: The Rolling Stones From: Tatoo You
I think I want to be Tracie Egan when I grow up. Not only is she a fantastic fucking writer, she has balls the size of Alpha Centauri. There's a lot to admire about this young lady and deserves all of the acclaim that's been coming her way of late.
When you run a blog called "One D at a Time" (which is NSFW in ways that I can't even imagine, let alone approach) and name yourself SlutMachine, it stands to reason that you'd want to protect your anonymity. I've devoted myself to fucking with a faux British Buddhist precisely because he violated that one cardinal rule: he used my real name in my comments. And my blog isn't half as personal, risque and potentially embarrassing as One D at a Time.
As a general rule, it's a whole lot easier for men to write about their sexual adventures in a public forum than it is for women. Men are usually applauded for doing so by other men. But since women loath one another almost instinctively, the are usually condemed for doing so. Anyone who has read the comments over at the late, sadly lamented Seven Inches of Sense knows what I'm talking about.
On the other hand, guys writing about their love of poontang doesn't get them an honotable mention in Rolling Stone, as One D at a Time did. This is yet another example of how I was born to lose.
Writing as she does about her almost Homeresque quest for penis, one could reasonably expect that we would never know anything about SlutMachine than what she threw over the wall of Internet anonymity. But in a seriously couragous move, she allowed photographs of herself to be published at Jezebel and linked an article that she published under her real name, Tracie Egan.
As it happens, Tracie isn't just a brilliant writer, she's fucking hot, too. I'd tell you what I've done to myself whilst looking at her picture, but this is supposed to be about Ms. Egan and not me.
The world of fantasy is generally private and not always logical. Because women are under significant social pressure to maintain a sense of sexual propriety, their fantasies lean more to the bent and depraved than those of men. I can tell you from personal experience that when a woman gets to live out their dirtier fantasies, she becomes an entirely different person. And that's an experience that I recommend to everyone.
As a man, my fantasies tend more to the bland. The most powerful one involves Mary Louise Parker offering me sixteen pounds of high grade marijuanna if she can give me a slow, loving blowjob. That's an illogical fantasy because I'm not that great a fan of pot. I much prefer painkillers.
Another fantasy of mine has me as George W. Bush, Condolezza Rice is telling me what an inspirational leader I am before giving me a slow, loving blowjob to persuade me to invade Finland. To seal the deal, Condi gives me a rimjob.
I think we can all see where this fantasy diverges from reality. President Bush doesn't need to be convinced to invade anybody. He's the Decider, for Christ's sake!
As unrealistic as my fantasies tend to be, they are grounded in some pretty fundamental truths. These are that Mary Louise Parker has a great face that I would love to see in my lap and a pretty impressive ass besides. Also, Finland is just sitting there undefended and waiting to be invaded. In that, Finland is much like Mary Louise Parker.
Approximately 30% of women report having a rape fantasies and a good number of the remaining 70% are likely lying. It should however be clear that a "rape fantasy" isn't what the term implies. It is not an invitation for various men (mostly those under contract to the NFL) to take a women off of the street and violently penetrate her. It is more of a loss of control in a consensual sexual encounter. So don't get any cute ideas, fellas.
Rape fantasies are most common among professional and independent women. Not surprisingly, people with a great deal of personal or professional responsibility tend to unwind by relinquishing as much control as possible. If you're say, a president of a bank or Senator David Vitter, you wind up in a black leather mask, on all fours with a giant dildo buried in your ass. Women with rape fantasies long to be taken roughly and unexpectedly.
As for me, I'm somewhere I'm in between. All I want is to wear a black leather mask and take a woman roughly while I have a giant dildo in my ass. Unfortunately, nobody loves me and I'll die a lonely, bitter bastard with an unstretched asshole. Am I sharing too much? Is my hurt to real for you emo motherfuckers?
If you're Tracie Egan, you do the all-American thing and go out and hire yourself a rapist. It couldn't be more efficent and the comedic possibilities are endless.
My first thoughts were of New York artist Brock Enright, who founded Video Games Adventure Services in 2002. It’s a company that provides a rather violent “designer kidnapping” for a price that actually rapes a wallet more than it does the customer, but I’d heard tell that some escort services provide similarly realistic rape and abduction scenarios for a fraction of the cost. I didn’t want mine to be crazy violent, with, like, punching and stuff. (I wouldn’t mind some fingerprint bruises on my wrists, but my face needs to stay pretty so I can keep getting sex for free on other occasions.) I also didn’t want any duct tape involved, and I didn’t want to be gagged (unless, you know, it’s with a cock).
And so began my quest to hire a rapist. I started by reviewing hustlers’ profiles through escort websites, but I was totally turned off. Even when they said they only serviced women, they all looked like total homos. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against gay dudes. I just don’t want to get raped by one. I knew they wouldn’t be “up” for the job, har har har. I actually had a lot more luck in the “erotic services” section of Craigslist. I didn’t have to go through a middleman, and all the dudes I corresponded with were more than happy to send me cock shots, free of charge.
The pictures were really important to me. One of my main concerns about hiring a hooker was that he might be ugly. I’m not one of those girls that needs an emotional connection to fuck a guy. Shit, I don’t even need to know his last name. But he needs to be attractive. Swagger and wit can only get one so far. I’m into faces. And I wasn’t sure I could get into it if he had an ugly one. I decided he would need to wear a ski mask, because then I wouldn’t know if he was ugly, and because it would also be extra scary and thrilling and hot. Of the dudes on my short list, only one of them had a ski mask. But he also mentioned in the same sentence that he had a gun we could use, and thus ended his brief tenure on my short list.
That's when I knew that I'd make a horrible rapist. Sure, I'm possessed of swagger and wit, but I'm as ugly as the day is long and I was cursed with a microscopic schvantz. I can't imagine that a rape is very much fun for anyone if the victim is pleading to preserve her modesty by saying, "Oh god, please don't. No. Wait, is it in yet?" I shouldn't think that a proper sex crime ends with the perpatrator leaving with his feelings hurt.
I'm also far to concerned with the female orgasm to be successful in the field of sexual assault. It is my understanding that most rapes do not begin with fourteen hours of cunnilingus and end with a pleading for some assurance that it was good for the victim. I'm seemingly incapable of winning. Such is the fate of someone who was raised to defer to the person with the labia.
On the other hand, I'm a natural thespian. I can make a young lady believe that she's being fucked to death for hours and then ask if it was good for her afterward.
I just wouldn't be a pussy about it. But that's a story better told by Ms. Egan. You should really read it for yourselves.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Midnight Rambler By: The Rolling Stones From: Get Yer Ya-Yas Out: The Rolling Stones in Concert
A RARE POST REPLYING TO A COMMENTOR & FURTHER THOUGHTS ON RUDY GIULIANI, ESQUIRE
It isn't often that a response to a comment here warrants its own post to respond to. In fact, I don't think it's happend since my beloved "Ask skippy" experiment died a premature death. I really miss "Ask skippy." Those friggin' things wrote themselves. Did you know that writing all of this other nonsense is hard sometimes?
Anyhow, I'm breaking with tradition and devoting an entire post to respond to a comment. Hopefully, this will make me sexy like Kevin Kim.
My last mouthbreathingfirebreathing essay on Mayor Giuliani elicited an interesting response from Karlub, a blogger who thinks that Rick Santorum didn't cure Pennsylvania of voting Republican for a generation. Even though I think he's desperately, horribly wrong, it makes for interesting reading.
He also doesn't call Democrats "stupid cocksuckers" on a regular basis like I do, which makes him a much better blogger than I am.
Mr. Karlub took exception with many of my thoughts and sundry defamitory remarks about Rudy.
I think the cognitive dissonance you're having is pretty simple to explain:
For a politician like Giuliani-- who is refreshingly not an ideologue and not trying to become one-- the two jobs present different responsibilities, priorities, and tactics.
Given this, his gun positions are not as incoherent as you portray. As Mayor, he was elected to reduce violent crime. Which he did. Dramatically. As president he needs to be more sensitive to the benefits a literal interpretation of the 2nd Amendment delivers to the nation at large.
This is entirely consistent with the campaign's real thematic touchstone-- all the press huffing and puffing about 9/11 aside-- which is executive compentence.
I think the cognitive dissonance you're having is pretty simple to explain:
It isn't "cognitive dissonance," it's stupidity. And I'll hope that you'd be man enough to respect the difference, sir! I worked long and hard to get this brain damaged, and I won't stand for that effort being trivialized.
For a politician like Giuliani-- who is refreshingly not an ideologue and not trying to become one-- the two jobs present different responsibilities, priorities, and tactics.
Like reversing essentially every position he held for eight years as mayor? Maybe I'm as old-timey as my giant twirly-ended waxed mustache suggests, but I remember a time when politicians generally and presidents in particular had principles and fundamental belief systems that they based their entire careers on.
California is a pretty liberal place, too. However, Ronald Reagan's positions as a candidate for governor of that state weren't radically different than they were as a candidate for the presidency. And Pat Brown and Jimmy Carter were much tougher candidates than were Davis Dinkins and Mark Green.
Given this, his gun positions are not as incoherent as you portray. As Mayor, he was elected to reduce violent crime. Which he did. Dramatically. As president he needs to be more sensitive to the benefits a literal interpretation of the 2nd Amendment delivers to the nation at large.
I'm trying really hard to respond to this point with a word that isn't "horseshit," but I can't. If my understand my American civics correctly, both offices require an oath to "uphold, preserve and protect the Constitution." The Second Amendment is decidedly a part of that Constitution. The "benefits" of any "interpretation" are immaterial. You either "uphold, protect or defend" it, or you don't, regardless of the office you hold.
That being the case, either Hizzoner was derelict in his duty as mayor, or he will be as president. The Constitution is not "results-oriented." It was actually designed to be a pain in the government's ass. If you read it really closely, you'll find that the majority of it details what the government can't do. That's what makes it such a great and unique document.
By the way, you know what else would "reduce crime dramatically?" Summary execution. It dramatically reduces racidivism and shaves a lot of money from the budget of the criminal justice system.
I also would refer you to this part of my original post: " 'You should know I understand that the right to bear arms is just as important a right in that Constitution as the right of free speech and the other rights ... It's not going to change, unless something dramatic has happened to make it change, and then I'll explain to you why,' " he said."
As you probably know, presidents do not have the unliateral power to decide when constitutional rights "change." It also isn't for him to "explain." That power rests with the Congress and with states. That fact that he either doesn't know that or doesn't care makes him far too dangerous to be president.
And that isn't being "an ideologue," that's being the "strict constructionalist" that Giuliani isn't even doing a convincing job of pretending to be. Besides, I think you can take a principled anti-gun position without calling pro-gun forces "extremists" who are indirectly responsible for killing cops, don't you?
Guns aren't really that huge a deal for me personally. I'm Canadian, so it's really no sweat off my balls either way. I used guns as an illustration of the difference in position Rudy has taken in almost every issue since he declared for president.
Let's go down the list, shall we?
Guns: He was against them before he was for them.
Gay marriage: He was for it before he was against it.
Abortion: He was for it, but then he was against it for about a week. Now he supports it, but vows to appoint only judges who will overturn Roe v. Wade.
Iraq: At the 2004 convention, Rudy compared Bush to George Washington and George Patton. Now he supports the war, but would have fought it "completely differently."
Has the GOP really decided that John Kerry was such an effective nominee for the Democrats that they need one of their own? Rudolph Giuliani is Mitt Romney with more wives and without the pretty hair. He makes Bill Clinton seem principled, something I had peviously thought impossible.
This is entirely consistent with the campaign's real thematic touchstone-- all the press huffing and puffing about 9/11 aside-- which is executive compentence.
It would be quite a trick to see Rudy pulling off the executive compentence argument as he renounces almost every principle he held in that executive office. What's he going to say, " I was the most effective mayor in the history of the whole, wide world. But everything I believed was wrong?"
If I were a Rudy man, I'd be very fucking careful about touting executive compentence in regards to my guy lest l'affaire Kerik get looked into too closely. One could plausibly argue that Kerik was the first step in President Bush's slow slide into oblivion, and Rudy was intimately involved in that.
Thankfully, the campaign almost never mentions "executive compentence," but it does mention 9/11 a lot. Jesus God, does he mention 9/11! I'd be surprised if he doesn't come out next week and tell us that his views on the Earned Income Tax Credit were forever changed by 9/11. Here's the one I'm personally dying to hear, "If we learned anything on September 11, it is that we can longer tax dividends at such a high rate. If we do, the terrorists win!"
Actually, my friend, the one doing the lion's share of "huffing" about 9/11 is none other than Rudy his own self.
You know, there used to be a time when politicians would amplify their own heroism, real or perceived, through humility in front of other heroes. This is why you never saw Churchill get a regiment of the RAF together and pontificate on how HE saved England. Or, for that matter, why Bob Dole or George H.W Bush never talked about their war experiences all that often while they were campaigning. It was there, but unstated. And all the more powerful for it.
There's nothing understated about Rudy Giuliani the fucking guy has become a literal billboard for 9/11. Does he actually think that American voters have forgotten that he's the 9/11 wonder boy? Does he think that we're really that dense? Every time Giuliani invokes 9/11 in some tawdry event like an NRA speech, he cheapens it.
It also brings up some interesting questions as to his executive compentence like, "Why couldn't Rudy get radios that would let the fire fighters communicate with the police eight and a half years after the first World Trade Center attack?" Rudy likes to shithammer the Democrats over the lack of federal preparedness after 1993, but than can very easily cut both ways. There is, after all, a reason ten times as many fire fighters died as police that day.
I'm willing to bet that by Iowa he has 9.11.01 tattooed on his forearm because it'll get him the vote of both patriots and Holocaust survivors.
As mayor and after 9/11, I actually admired Giuliani. I mentioned in a few posts that he was someone that I thought was unbeatable and a worthy nominee. But as Bob Dylan once said, "Things Have Changed."
The "$9.11 for Rudy" fundraiser crystalized it perfectly, at least for me.
How fucking dare Giuliani scream from the hilltops about the stupid fucking MoveOn.org "Betray Us" ad while endorsing "$9.11 for Rudy" with his silence. The fact that he threw the rhetorical first stone only makes him look worse. Both were ugly, but Rudy seems to have parted the Red Sea only to take a dump in the sand.
Rudy has whored out every principle he has ever held and has proven himself to far more dangerous on constitutional issues than any nominee of either party in my lifetime. Were it not for the retarded Republican tradition of protecting the front-runner at all costs, he'd be crushed like a fucking bug in the primaries. Instead that job will be left to Hillary Clinton.
Someone as loose with his central belief system as Giuliani is is better suited to a street corner than the White House.
Thank you for your continued interest and kind words, Karlub.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Little Bit of Whore By: Johnny Thunders From: Jet Boy: The Anthology
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Condolezza Rice: An American Life By: Elisabeth Bumiller Finished: October 10, 2008
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What People Are Saying About skippy
"hands down, Canada's most underrated blog" Damian Penny, The Undisputed Dean of Canadian Political Bloggers. Posted at Daimnation , Saturday October 21, 2006
"You can count on “Skippy” to make you think in different ways about familiar issues. You can also depend on him to be rude, offensive, and outrageous – if you're offended by completely uninhibited sexual imagery (and imagination!), don't read Skippy – but your prudery will keep you from an often interesting perspective." Posted On: Jamulblog, July 12, 2007
"Your Maximum Leader is beginning to think that the less he posts, the better Skippy’s political posts are. Indeed, your Maximum Leader even thought (just a few short moments ago) that if your Maximum Leader just stopped blogging all together would Skippy just keep on writing enough good material for two blogs? (Admittedly one of those blogs would be an X-rated social commentary/diary site and the second a remarkably well-informed and insightful political commentary site…)" Posted On: Naked Villainy, September 18, 2007
"I love your writing. few could pull off sarcastic humor and self-loathing like you do. You've turned self-disgust
into an art form." Posted By:Ophelia July 19, 2003
"hahaha um, not funny" Posted By: Ophelia July 17, 2003
"This is not fucking funny." Posted By: Bee August 21, 2003
"I join Bee in saying that this isn''t funny AT ALL. jesus christ, Skippy." Posted By: Ophelia August 23,
2003
"You are obiviously being kept down by the Mud People." Posted By: DrReverend August 21, 2003
"I''ll give you $50.00 if you kill yourself." Posted By: DrReverend August 19, 2003
"Last time I read this blog." Posted By: Dave, October 24, 2003
"I think you should stop talking about killing yourself and ACTUALLY kill yourself. For fuck's sake, everybody is
tired of hearing about how you might, just do it or face the fact that you are too pathetic to even kill yourself."
Posted By: A Caring Guy, October 25, 2003
"If Joey Ramone were alive today he'd probably shit in your mouth." Posted By: DrReverend November 11,
"When you're good, you're good. When you're bad, you're even better. See you in hell." Posted By: Anna
November 11, 2003
"Skippy, if you can prove to me that giving head and swallowing will without a doubt keep lung cancer and heart
disease at bay, you've earned yourself a BJ." Posted By: Mary Magdalicious, December 5, 2003
"Wow...you know nothing about politics." Posted Dr. Reverend, December 26, 2003
"You are a dick and should think seriously about killing your stupid blog - go get a job, you big fag"Posted
By: Princess Paragonian, December 29, 2003
"You have a, how shall i say.... appealing 'tough', yet gently gay look." (Univited PM) Posted
by:Jus20012002, January 2, 2004 .
"I hope jesus doesn't kick you in the nuts."Posted By: Mary Magdalicious February 2, 2004
"Stumbled on to your blog by accident and i must say alot of the stuff had me in stitches. Love it" Posted
By:Jeremy February 4, 2004
" .....sick."Posted By: Bee February 7, 2004
"Hey Skippy, you ever consider running for public office in the states? I know some people in the West Virginia state
government and our Senator can't live forever.Hell, even Strom, Thomas-Jefferson-Fan, Thurmond died
eventually.Posted By: Ford W. Mavrick, February 9, 2004
Wow, for someone who is so opinionated, you really don't know shit about American or Canadian culture. You appear to
know even less about history." Posted By: Dr. Reverend February 13, 2004
"Your blog's the best I have come across in a long time. I may not agree with all you say but the verve with which
you say it and the humour and irreverance is terrific. These days when the media just reproduces the handout from central
control, blogs like yours do a great deal to form informed opinion in a democratic society. Thanks. Keep it up."
Posted By:Anandan February 13, 2004
"SKIPPY pities ME? Where's my noose?" Posted By: Kilgore Trout March 22, 2004
"Jesus Skippy. Now Allah is going to kick you in the nuts" Posted By: Mary Magdalicious March 22, 2004
"I could make one that says "Skippy has a small penis" although his cock is superb. Posted By: Bestest Pussy March 23,2004
"Cunt sucking is for bitches.You're considered one of the girls because you dress like one. Posted By: Dr. Reverend March 24, 2004
"John Malkovich is one sexy bastard. I have such a thing for him. And I never realized til now, Skippy, how much you resemble John Malkovich...this, by default, makes you also one sexy bastard. See how that works?" Posted By: Zombie March, 26, 2004
"Too bad you live up north. It could have been beautiful.
Ever since I started coming here and saw your pic I wondered why you weren't getting more action. You are not a bad looking guy at all.
Maybe the girls are just...well, that's enough kindness for one day." Posted By: Serenity March 26, 2004
"Hell, if they make gay marriage legal, I'll marry you..." Posted By: Outpatient March 26, 2004
"You look creepier than the REM faggot. But he looks much more like a homersexual." Posted By: Dr. Reverend March 27, 2004
"Skippy, your hits will go up again if you post pictures of your man nipples. Lots of man nips." Posted By: Mary Magdalicious April 15, 2004
"What the fuck? You turning faggot? Posted By: Dr. Reverend April 16, 2004
"Sometimes it gets to be just a little too much. Sharing, that is." Posted By: Bee May 23, 2004
"I'll give you $5.00 if you make the fucking font you use on your blog bigger.
I'll give you $50.00 if you stop fucking writing about American politics.
I'll give you $500.00 if you fucking kill youself." Posted By: Dr. Reverend May 26, 2004
"Of course women like jerks.
Why the fuck do you think they like me?
I guess you've learned nothing from me over all these years." Posted By: Dr. Reverend May 29, 2004
"Sometimes a bitch just has to die." Posted By: Ford W. Maverick May 29, 2004
"It looks like we have more in common than the swastikas carved in our foreheads."Posted By: Dr. Reverend May 29, 2004
"This might be a shallow and 'Waiting-for-Godot-like' comment but...you seem to have not only brains but also beauty." Posted By: Nietzscheswife June 7, 2004
"Skippy, you are such a twisted bastard. Seriously. Why haven't we had sex yet?"Posted By: 0phelia June 25, 2004
"Just found your site. I find some of the things you say quite disgusting. And really quite enjoyable,so keep up the good work."Posted By: Big Al June 28, 2004
"I've read most of your blog. I'd say that so far it's the best I've come across, and believe me, I've seen a few. It's funny, well written (except for the spelling...) and interesting. There will always be those few idiots who just don't get it. It's useless to get worked up about it." Posted By: Johnny June 30, 2004
"Skippy... Go for the facial tattoo. I dig em', and fuck what those other bitches think. You can always bite their tits off if they back talk you." Posted By: Mary Magdalicious July 1, 2004
"Go fuck yourself up your butt." Posted By: Reek Stankleberry July 6, 2004
"Well if ass-fucking won't keep Satan away, I just don't know what will." Posted By: Dr. Reverend July 7, 2004
"dude, you're killing me. keep it up." Posted By: Son of Nixon July 22, 2004
"Are you always either naked or in a suit?" Posted By: Rehella July 22, 2004
"That person should speak for himself or herself. 'Cause you really are that much of a cunt, skippy." Posted By: Kilgore Trout August 4, 2004
"I've read you for a long time but have never commented before. That isn't a slight to your great writing ability, it's mainly because I don't want to be seen here!" Posted By: Paul August 4, 2004
" Dead on. Bulls-eye. I take back what I said about you being a cunt. For now." Posted By: Kilgore Trout August 4, 2004
"Know what, Skippy? You're alright." Posted By: Anna August 18, 2004
"Excellent work. Damn you for being so dead on." Posted By: The Maximum Leader August 24, 2004
"Skippy, fuck the puppy idea. Try getting a monkey that smokes. That will get you laid." Posted By: Mary Magdalicious August 27, 2004
"As to the beard - I like the clean shaven better - and what's wrong with a bald head? Bald heads are hot on some guys - unfortunately most can't pull it off * sigh * You look like you can pull it off though and that's a good thing - not a bad.
BTW, love your blog. I saw it in my referrers and thought it was just a random hit. Then I started reading and found you to be hilarious - it was only after about 10 posts that I noticed you linked me. I was more than flattered - linked by someone I was about to link anyway - awesome. Thanks" Posted By: Kinky August 27, 2004
"Fuckin' Goy bastard." Posted By: Dr Reverend December 19,2004
"Who does a guy have to sleep with to get one of his Skippy quotes pasted to the sidebar?
Great googly-moogly." Posted By: Smallholder December 20, 2004
"Are you a child molester or what's the story?" Posted By: Fukinator, December 28, 2004
"Sick dude." Posted By: DCayer December 29, 2004
"You officially suck." Posted By: Sorry, January 22, 2005
"I heart you, Skippy" Posted By: Karinsky, January 25, 2005
"As I've stated before, you were quite skilled in bed and I had no need to fake any of my multiple orgasms." Posted By: 0phelia, June 30, 2005
"I love Skippy. I swear I do. The only blogger more twisted than me." Posted on: Velociworld, July 26, 2005
" You are so fucking ignorant about America. And while the American people ARE stupid, so are you." Posted By: Bill Lassiter, August 2, 2005
"How can you not love a man who hates himself so viciously?" Posted on: It's All About De , August 31, 2005
"If I wasn't positive that all Canadian men had tiny penises, I'd be all over that Skippy." Posted On: It's All About De
"I've seen pictures of you and I'd say you're fuckable." Posted By: Joan, September 29, 2005
" I love your posts on Canadian politics even more than I love your posts on porn.
And I love your porn posts.
Why the hell do you waste all this talent on the internet? Write a book or something, goddammit! Posted By: Cliff S., November 17, 2005
"Let it never be said that underneath your self-cavilling, bitter (yet strangely egomaniacal) surface that you never take the time to give the people what they want. Even if it's just one people. Gawd bless you, Skippy! Posted By: Locke, November 18, 2005
"Wow! I don't know that I've ever been flattered and yet somewhat revolted at the same time... It's an interesting sensation." Posted By: Dewey in Toronto, December 1, 2005
"Very often, debating you is like playing whack a mole: You pop up some premised assertion moles, I pull out my mallet and start whacking, then you pop up more premised assertion moles - which are mostly or completely unrelated to the original moles I was whacking at. Your stock of moles seemingly stretches into infinity. And yet, an endless supply of moles does not equate to cogent argument.
Very often, debating you is like speaking to a salesman who will not answer a particular direct question, and instead flies off on the flight of rhetorical splendor known as "baffling them with bullshit." I'm impressed with your rhetorical skills, and your IQ, and your accumulation of knowledge. I'm impressed that I'm the American citizen, yet you might have a more thorough knowledge of the American Constitution than I. And yet, these impressive things are not substitutes for cogent argument."Posted By; gcotharn, December 21, 2005
"Besides, you seem to think you're the least respectable person I know. While you're often right, you're wrong on that count. Careful, I might out YOU as a nice guy. Or something." Posted By: Dewey In Toronto, December 27, 2005
"I've been to Toronto. The most dangerous thing I saw there was an 11 foot tall red head with shaved balls."Posted By: Judy, December 31, 2005
"There was this "Caught on Tape!" video I watched back in my highschool days where one of the scenes shows two people starting to cross the railroad tracks. One looks up at the last minute and sees the train, the other does not. In the commercial, it cuts away just before the train does its thing, but the video...
Your blog is like a twisted version of the video. We know the train is going liquify you in shocking gory fashion, but that's why we keep coming back. It's so much more fun that we both know the train is coming and you still gleefully walk into its path...and we love you all the more for it." Posted By:Locke, January 13, 2006
"Fuck. I'm hooked." Posted By: DeAnna, January 14, 2006
"Your Maximum Leader has found Skippy's commentary more insightful and interesting than anyone elses. So now he supposes that Skippy will go back to writing about porn and strippers he meets in the subway." Posted By: The Maximum Leader on Naked Villainy January 24, 2006
"Slightly crazed is fine, but with the beard you look like a total nutjob. If you ever hope to get laid again, for fuck's sake, Skippy, NEVER, EVER grow a saddam beard. You're welcome."Posted By: The Lady O, 28 January, 2006
"Maybe we should get married. My readers could support us by purchasing my worn panties and you could be the panty pimp." Posted By; Joan 28 January 2006
" I know it must be hard for you...being objectified by women all the time. But come on, how can they really help themselves? Have you seen yourself lately? Your pheramones preceed you into a room (as does your crotch). Don't blame it all on them...you did choose to leave your house. :D" Posted By: Joan, 3 February, 2006
"Skippy, you sarcastic twerp." Posted By: Arwen, 8 February 2006
"Just so you know.. if I had to choose between Moussaoui or Skippy.. You'd win. Even if I know what an asshole you are. Posted By; Judy, 13 February 2006
"I'd be willing to sign a legal document stating that is IS ok, in fact, to masturbate whilst thinking of me." Posted By: DeAnna (Who seems unaware of my reputation as an outlaw) February 24, 2006
"Feel free to masturbate while thinking of me...actually, do you need some of my panties to help you with that?" Posted By: Joan, February 24, 2006
"I blame myself for this. I have been too lenient with you. Your Godless behaviour must come to an end. You will receive a severe beating this weekend and I am contemplating removing your testicles." Posted By: Dr. Reverend, February 24, 2006
"Just remember skippy, the US never threw a fit when you smuggled your own personal WMD over the border twice a year. After all, it wasn't like you were hiding in your pants or anything.
All's fair in love and war, so to speak." Posted By: Judy, April 4, 2006
"Wow...nothing hotter than a man willing to issue fatwas for pussy." Posted By: Joan, April 16, 2006
"You sir, are a brilliant writer." Posted By: Judy, May 4, 2006
"I think I'm falling in love." Posted By: DeAnna, May 11, 2006
"THIS IS THE MOST DIABOLICAL FALSITY YOU HAVE EVER ENGAGED IN!!!!
I was intending to kick you in the face upon our next meeting, but now it's obvious that I must douse your scrotum in kerosene and set your testicles aflame. Alas, it is the only way you will learn." Posted By: Dr. Reverend, May 12, 2006
"And i would like to commend you on some excellent blogging. This particular story would normally warrant a few cryptically humorous lines and a link. To an ordinary blogger. But you managed to wring an essay of New Yorker-esque proportions out of it. That takes talent. Your beautiful young friend is right. I see big things for you in the future." Posted By: Annika, June 4, 2006
" I like a man who will unabashedly tell someone his penis size because hes unashamed. Thats hot.
*raises hand* I'll take that 6.5, thank ya" Posted By: Kinky, June 6, 2006
"Elvis, like skippy, is the very definition of rock and roll. Posted By: Rube, June 10, 2006
" I'm beginning to think you're the only good man left in the world, skippy. WTF?" Posted By: By: DeAnns, June 11, 2006
"Just so everyone knows.
Skippy does indeed, taste like bacon.
And, any guy who doesn't know cum tastes good to real women, is clueless." Posted By: Judy, July 2, 2006
"There was a British columnist whose work was described as 'a suicide note in weekly installments.'
This blog is sort of like that." Posted By: Gadfly, July 6, 2006
"Jeez, Skippy. Sometimes I really hate coming here." Posted By: Cynlee, July 18, 2006
"Someone needs to throttle you with a riding crop...truly!" Posted By: Joan, July 18, 2006
"Holy mother of god. I just had an orgasm. It's official: I'm devoting the rest of my life to you, skippy." Posted By: DeAnna, July 19, 2006
"Skippy, sometimes I'm not quite sure of your sanity, but you are without a doubt the baddest morning news reading, quiz show hosting, talent introducing PIMP in the motherfuckin' blogosphere." Posted By: Shank, July 19, 2006
