 SUSAN ESTRICH WON'T SHUT UP: A PROFILE IN INHUMANITY
As the creator and sole author of Enjoy Every Sandwich, I feel that I have a special responsibility to young people - especially young girls. Every day for almost four years now, I've strived to live up to that responsibility and today is no different.
If there's one lesson that Cyndi Lauper taught us all in the spring of 1984, it is that girls just want to have fun. I know what fun is, and I know just how time-consuming it can be. When one is spending their youth having fun, other things can fall by the wayside. Once that happens, a simple mistake - made out of innocent ignorance - can change your lives forever. I want to prevent that, and I'll employ all the power of a blog that no one reads anymore to do it.
Girls, if you're not careful, you might end up listening to Susan Estrich. I know, you might think that it's just innocent fun. You might think that you're going through an "experimental phase." Hey, if you only do it recreationally, who's it going to hurt, right?
Wrong. Ladies, you're way too young and far from worldly enough to know what you're doing. Listening to Susan Estrich can ruin your life forever! You don't want to be 40 and have to explain that you turned out the way you did because you stupidly listened to Susan Estrich at the after-prom party, do you?
Don't believe me? Just look what listening to Susan Estrich did to Michael Dukakis.
Look, if you want to throw your life away and be a shrill pretend-lawyer who writes books that no one reads without laughing and shows Massachusetts liberals how to lose 40 states against a guy who was called a wimp on the cover of Newsweek, it's your life. But you should know what you're doing upfront. And you should know that no man will ever want you. It will be a desperately lonely life. I just hope that you're an adult before you choose it.
 As you all know, I'm a civilized man. If it were up to me, I'd spend my days here at my computer, wearing my monocle and ascot, masturbating furiously. As a civilized man, I held my tongue about Estrich for years. I supposed that if she were ignored by enough people, she would just go away.
This was a mistake. Hitler didn't "just go away," and neither did Stalin or Mao. A very wise man once said "all that is necessary for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing." Inspiring words spoken, I think, by Jackie Chan. Unfortunately, I did nothing and I consequently failed the women of tomorrow. I only hope that they can forgive me and take me once again to their bosoms.
Because I did nothing, Susan Estrich finally went too far and wrote this hate-filled screed about Lindsay Lohan. The gauntlet has been thrown and I'm here to pick it up on behalf of high school and college girls everywhere. Besides, Miss Lohan just looks innocent. If you doubt me, look at the picture to the right. Can anyone who loves Coke that much be a criminal?
Just because I'm not a Jew, a Gypsy, or a homosexual, that doesn't mean that I don't find Nazism deeply offensive. And Susan Estrich's tirade on the FoxNews website is the equivalent of Mein Kampf to people with big boobs, a whistle that needs wetting, and deep love of good old-fashioned fun. This isn't a dissertation, it is a diatribe against the hopes and dreams of young girls everywhere.
Instead of taking a considered legal view of this national tragedy, Susan engages in a shrill, bitter tirade that serves only to try, convict and actually crucify Lindsay in the media. If that shrew Estrich were a real lawyer, she'd be screaming from the fucking rooftops about how this is improper behaviour for an officer of the court.
Her sins are compounded because the subject of her scorn is endowed with such a beautiful rack. Courts everywhere have spoken out against this repeatedly over the years. If Richard Speck started taking his hormones a little earlier, he'd have a three-picture deal with Paramount right now instead of ending up like he did. The law, like the Lord, works in mysterious ways.
 The tone of the Estrich article tells you all that you need to know about its author. Hers isn't a disapproving essay, or even a condescending one. Reading this article is to be bathed in spite and hatred. If you're the sensitive sort, you'll actually feel the contempt flowing freely through your monitor and washing over you.
And who is this bile directed at, I ask? A girl with an adorable allergy to underwear and certain youthful enthusiasms. People throw around phrases like "multiple felony counts" and "danger to the community" without thinking about what they really mean. To listen to hysterical commentators like Susan Estrich, you'd think that Lohan was running a dogfighting ring.
Look, I can't tell you how often I find myself out on the town accidentally wearing a cokehead's pants whilst pursuing one of the parents of my former assistant. I'm not sure how it happens, but it does. God help me, it never seems to stop happening.
It couldn't be more obvious to me that Lindsay Lohan just wants to experience the same things that all girls her age enjoy; having fun with her friends and finding a bikini and pair of heels that don't clash with her alcohol-monitoring bracelet. But there are people like Susan Estrich out there who not only want to deny her that, they want to persecute her for it to the fullest extent of the law. She even says so in the middle of her tirade;
The prosecutor should throw the book at her. She had every advantage, and she blew it. Her life was most girls’ dream come true, and she took it for granted, abused her status, turned her fame into a license to ignore the rules and live above the law. She is entitled to the presumption of innocence, but she also deserves to be charged with every possible crime, and given the maximum penalty when she is found guilty.
Most rational people feel that this is more than just a little harsh. The "maximum penalty" under California law in this case is six years in prison. In a previous essay, I recounted Robert Downey Jr's strange and sad encounters with the California penal system. He did less than a year for offences more frequently repeated and immeasurably more bizarre than those Lindsay Lohan is alleged to have committed. In North Carolina - a much harsher jurisdiction that California - former Durham District Attorney Mike Nifong was before a judge today to answer for knowingly attempting to send three innocent boys of Lohan's age to prison for the rest of their natural lives. If the presiding judge feels inclined to find Nifong in criminal contempt of court, he faces a maximum of 30 days in custody.
 I should think that even a demented banshee like Susan Estrich would realize that if you wish to punish those with a "license to ignore the rules and live above the law," there are far better examples of same out there than Lindsay Lohan. I always had faith that people like Estrich could see things like that on occasion, if only by accident. Yet again I was wrong.
Look at those two sentences: six years and thirty days. Look at the comparative crimes: DUI with a side of cocaine possession and deliberately framing three people for a rape that even Nifong now admits didn't happen. Look at Lindsay's tits! Sorry, I had to throw that in.
If Estrich wanted to write a serious article about punishing people who live above the law, she would write an impassioned piece about how Mike Nifong should be getting raped in state prison for the next 30 years. Instead, she's demanding Lohan's head on a platter. This is because Susan Estrich is every inch the starfucker she accuses everyone else of being. If Susan Estrich were even halfway smart or halfway honest, she'd at least admit it.
Girls, there's another reason that you should never listen to Susan Estrich. She's an idiotic, jealous hag and she loathes everything you want your lives to be. You know as well as I do that Lindsay is the Patron Saint of Everything a 21-Year-Old Girl Should Be. In attacking La Lohan, Estrich is really attacking you. This is a full-frontal assault on your hopes and dreams. That twisted bitch won't rest until you become her.
And you don't have to take that lying down. You can fight back, dammit. So put on your bikinis and fight!
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Handshake Drugs By: Wilco From: A Ghost is Born
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Labels: Celebrity Skin, I Fought The Law, Journalists Are Swine, The War On Fun
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