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Tuesday, September 30, 2003
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OKAY, MAYBE I SHOULD'VE BEEN MORE INCLUSIVE
All right, all right. If my loyal readership knows anything about me it's that I'm the first one to admit that I'm wrong about something. Earlier today, I suggested that soccer should be banned and its fans forcibly deported. It was wrong to single out soccer.
I should have included football, too.
Let's review, shall we? Football halftime show that doesn't involve a gyrating Britney Spears? Fuck that! But, you know what they say, "Hey, we live in the town from 'Footloose'! We can't have have a half-naked, songstress with beautifully fake tits! We need Nazis! The town will fucking love it! What could happen? Jews don't watch football, everybody knows that! Tell the band fags to learn 'Deutschland Uber Alles' and tell my wife to get my Nazi flag from the rec room! Oooohhhhh this is gonna be GREAT!
I personally loved the apology best.
"We had an error in judgement intent was never to cause any harm."
Error in judgement? Fucking right! Football is all about winning! Last time I checked I wasn't speaking German (well, other than during sex...and I won't be having that for awhile.) A football team celebrated a LOSER! I'm amazed that Vince Lombardi hasn't risen from the grave and kicked these morons in the balls already!
So, in closing, football must be destroyed, too.
Currently Reading: "The Years of Lyndon Johnson: Master of the Senate" - Robert A. Caro
Number of Times I've Masturbated Today: 6
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IDLE HANDS: WHY SOCCER IS EVIL
I've always implicitly distrusted soccer as an institution, it's players and it's fans. Mostly this is due to my xenophobia but a lot of it has to do with it's rules. I feel any sport that disallows the use of one's hands should be outlawed.
My North American audience is unfamiliar with the peirls of soccer as decent people are. North Americans are desperately familiar with the sad legacy of criminal activity in professional sports. We live in a time when half of the NFL and about a third of the NBA is under indictment for various felonies.
Crime in soccer is usually reserved for it's fans. This is because soccer fans are criminally insane, much like Australians. The British are so bad that their fans are banned from entering several European countries during the World Cup play-offs. But now the athletes have decided to get into the general havoc. And they've decided to do it in a big way.
Everyone is familar with Kobe Bryant's problems. Soccer players went that extra mile. They went into gang rape. This is what's particularly odd though. In this story, the victim consented to sex with one player and then 7 members of the other team joined in! This would be like if Kobe invited most of the Detroit Pistons starting line up to join in on his alleged assault in Eagle County. Okay, in the spirit of finding something nice to say....You have to admire the sense of spotsmanship, I suppose.
Okay, I know you're thinking "sure, gang rape is bad but you make soccer players sound like terrorists. They can't be that bad, right?"
Wrong!
It appears some soccer players of North African origin have found a group of like minded folks with whom to share their retirement years. You've all heard of it, too. It's called al-Qaeda. YIKES!
Your mother told you that "idle hands are the Devil's workshop." Did you listen? Of course not. You should've.
Because now we must ban soccer outright. We must ban it and deport its players and enthusiasts, including all those annoying, yenta "soccer moms" who got Clinton re-elected in '96.
Women's rights and the national security demand it.
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JERK-OFF UPDATE
Okay, I know what that title sounds like. And, yeah...I am still a jerk off. After all, these things don't change over night. Shit, I'm into my fourth fucking decade of waiting for that change.
But as a postcriptum to my last post, I only hit five times. I'm very professional in tabulating these things. I start at midnight and end at midnight. So, if I come at quarter past, it only counts if I start at 11:59 or before. I'd never cheat my loyal audience with late wank counts.
Oh, and I found out that the publication ban should be lifted on Friday so I can with you my adventures with the Peel Region Court system. That should be fun. I'm even debating an audience participation bit so you can all play along at home, I just need to find out how legal my little game idea is.
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Monday, September 29, 2003
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LIFE WITH CAPTAIN HAPPY: MY ADVENTURES WITH INSOMNIA, MASTURBATION AND ROB LOWE
I just realized that I don't often write about my life. This is a good thing and I'm going to explain why. I know you're thinking "C'mon, MJ! We all come here for your fear and despondency. Don't be a jerk off! Give it up!" In a lot of different ways, I agree with you, too. But if I write about my fear and despondency then I'd feel obligated to tell you what I'm afraid and despondent about. Other people may not appreciate this because they're not exhisbitionistic, like me. So, in respect to other people's privacy, I refrain from telling those stories. Too bad, really. You'd all really like to what a horrible cunt and/or failure of a man I really am. Really, you would.
So, from Friday to late last night, I was really depressed. I figured I could write and this would cheer me up. Then, after staring blankly at the cursor for a half hour or so, I'd get even more depressed and go back to bed and read my giant LBJ book. Okay, I can't fool you teenagers for a second, I went back to bed, masturbated and read my giant LBJ book. There, I admitted it...I masturbate. A lot. Happy now? But yesterday alone, I managed to masturbate 6 times and got through nearly 250 pages of the big book O' LBJ.
It's a small victory, I know, but I'm lacking in even those lately. I'll take what I can get.
Usually, on Sunday mornings I get up all bright and early and watch the Sunday morning Clinton-hating shows. Meet the Press, Face the Nation, Fox News Sunday and This Week With George Stephanopulos-expialdoucious (I know, don't hate me because I'm beautiful. You think I got this sexy without help? Lots and lots of help?)
But given that the soul crushing depression started late Friday night, I decided to drink. Heavily. A 4 liter box of wine and a few Nytol and I was good and oblivious (I know... I'm classy, too.) Let's just say that my Sunday morning routine was, shall we say, pre-empted.
This is why I thank God that NBC has 17 stations in my cable package. "Meet the Press" is on constantly. And I knew that the guest would be Condoleeza Rice. Here's a dirty, little secret of mine. I'm hopelessly, desperately in love with Condoleeza Rice. Now, I know what else you're thinking; "MJ, realistically, how many women can you be in love with at once?" To this I respond, You really, really don't want to know. But Dr. Condi is the perfect woman (something I don't often say about women who speak English but Condi is fluent in Russian, too. And Zombie is fluent in everything. There, all my bases are covered, I think.)
Now, I had a major scheduling conflict. As "Meet the Press" was on at 10:00, that meant I couldn't witness Rob Lowe's second attempt at career suicide with "The Lyon's Den." But I could, on the Seattle NBC affiliate at 1:00. Then I'd also have a whole two hours to masturbate some more, read my massive missive of LBJ and even catch a nifty documentary on the media's role in the coup against Hugo Chavez in Venezuela last year (Christ, do I get sexier?)
Back to Rob Lowe. Is this guy a fucking show biz Lazarus, or what? The first time he was a big star, I was in high school, trying to be nothing like Rob Lowe....I was more of a Judd Nelson persona. Then he banged some high school girls. Two specifically. At the '88 Demoratic National Convention in Atlanta. Oh, did I mention he did it on videotape? This used to get you sent to prison. In 1990, you were forced to make a bad movie alluding to it with James Spader.
But Rob Lowe got a second chance. In prime-time, too. In his first scene on the "West Wing" he had just awakened from a night of hot sex with a semi-cute prostitute. But the whore was going to law school so it wasn't weird or anything. And he was a hit. A HUGE hit! So what did he do? He fucked it up, of course. Lowe decided that he wasn't getting paid enough and figured he go back to making bad buddy movies with James Spader. I giggled my ass off for a long time when he quit the "West Wing."
And then NBC gave him another show! Ye fucking Christ! Rob Lowe is the luckiest guy on the planet. The worst part is...The show isn't bad! In that spirit, I'm thinking of getting cosmetic surgery and videotaping myself having sex with teenage girls. My life has to improve somehow.
At midnight, I figured that I'd rub another out and read my book until the Nytol took hold and I could escape my miserable existence for a time. No dice. At 4:00 AM, I was still reading my fucking book. So, I did what any of you would do. I masturbated again, turned off the lights and laid there with my eyes closed, wide awake for 6 fucking hours!
God, I'm a miserable bastard. You should all be thrilled that you're merely entertained by me instead of being forced to be me. And for this, I hate you all.
Currently Reading: "The Years of Lyndon Johnson: Master of the Senate" - Robert A. Caro
Number of Times I've Masturbated Today: 4 (But it's early yet, so let's say 5. I'll amend this if tomorrow if I hit six but don't count on it. I'm very tired.)
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Sunday, September 28, 2003
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HOW ABOUT SHECKY GREENE FOR COMPTROLLER?
It's official, everyone in California politics has lost their fucking minds.
The state Republican party is seriously considering drafting Dennis Miller to run for the Senate next year. Incredible. It appears increasingly certain that Schwarzenegger will win his race (even though I don't buy the CNN polling. They only polled registered voters as opposed to likely voters so the sample is fucked.)
The state party is now taking the position that they can only win if they run celebrities. This is a recipe for disaster. I love Dennis Miller, he's one of the three funniest people alive, but Barbara Boxer is going to humiliate him. It will be a savage and horrifying thing to watch.
It does lead to other interesting questions though. At what point will they recruit Tommy Chong to run for Lieutenant Governor?
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Friday, September 26, 2003
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Wow, I hate myself in ways that I'm not even sure I have the energy to describe tonight. This is no fun.
On the other hand, my spiralling mental conditon should be a blast for all of you to read.
Aren't I considerate?
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GOD BLESS GENGHIS JON
As I've repeated over and over again, I read several online newspapers. But even I miss stuff. I'd like to personally thank Genghis Jon for finding this. I hope he dosn't mind my pilfering his idea.
It seems that a Crossfire viewer asked host Tucker Carlson for his home phone number. In a moment of jest, Carlson gave the phone number for Fox News' Washington offices. Fox responded thusly;
"WASHINGTON — In what could only have been a journalistic blunder, Tucker Carlson, co-host of CNN's "Crossfire," gave out the wrong phone number Thursday when prodded on the show to reveal his home number.
Carlson, apparently confused, mistakenly gave out the number of the Washington bureau of Fox News Channel, which received numerous phone calls.
Viewers who want to reach Carlson can, in fact, dial the television "personality" at his Virginia home at 703-XXX-XXXX.
Following a riveting segment on his show about who's most annoying -- telemarketers, lawyers or talk show hosts -- Carlson graciously gave out his phone number to an e-mail writer who said he wanted to direct-market to Carlson some of his "junk in the garage."
Carlson praised the writer for his good idea, and co-host Paul Begala, egging him on, dared Carlson to give out his number.
"Get out your pen," Carlson said before reciting the main line at Fox News' Washington bureau.
"You can reach me there anytime," Carlson said. "That's fine. I have defended telemarketers. Feel free to call me, someone is always there."
After numerous callers made clear they had intended to reach Carlson, Fox News felt obligated once again to get the facts right and correct Carlson's error. Carlson's actual home phone number is 703-XXX-XXXX.
Thursday's hijinks were apparently the work of careful preparation, made evident in a tease before the commercial break in which Begala said: "In our 'Fire Back' segment, we'll find out if Tucker will be hearing a lot more about one of our viewers and what he or she keeps in their garage."
Now that viewers have the correct phone number, perhaps Carlson will be hearing a lot more.
For the record, talk show hosts ranked third in the 'who's most annoying?' poll. Of course, polling conducted after the show could register signficant changes."
I read this and thought "Holy Fuck! Those depraved bastards gave out a guys home phone number!"
However, Fox News backed down (maybe there is a sane person working there) and changed their post so that it merely gives out CNN's Washington offices.
Holy Christ, I was right, adulthood is just tall grade school.
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Thursday, September 25, 2003
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THE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS
I just finished watching CNBC's debate among the 53 Democrats running for the presidential nomination. This debate reinforced the problem that I have with all political debates, specifically, that they avoid the obvious questions. Everybody knows a Democrats position on most issues: "Social Security? GOOOD! Privitatization? BAAD! Environment? GOOD? Pollution? BAAAD! Women? GOOOD! Abortion? BETTTER!" (You'll note I didn't mention having interns blowing Democrats or Democrats drowning campaign volunteers ONCE! That's because I'm tasteful)
I feel there are questions that should be asked the current candidates. No, questions that must be asked. Some candidates warrant more than one question while some warrant none. But I'll ask at least one question of all the candidates. So far as equal time requirements go... Well, the FCC can eat me. Raw. This is the privlidge of being Canadian.
Senator John Kerry: Senator Kerry, how did you fuck up a fifteen point lead against someone no one had ever heard of other than being Governor of state that most Americans think is part of Canada? Are you retarded?
Governor Howard Dean: Governor, do you have a timetable on when you plan to punch another candidate? How can you sign "civil unions" legislation and be against gay marriage? Do you plan on crying in public before the New Hampshire primary? How would you respond to the allegation that you have the smile of someone who has murdered multiple prostitutes?
Representative Dick Gephardt: For someone who screams repeatedly about "fighting Newt Gingrich", how do you explain his beating you like a girl three times? Why should the American people trust a man without eyebrows? Can I call you Dick?
Ambassador Carol Mosley-Brawn: Ambassador, are you running for the presidency merely so that you may pardon yourself for any felonies we have yet to discover or that you may plan on committing?
General Wesley Clark: General Clark, you voted for Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan twice. You recently praised the Bush administration. Did you only enter the Democratic party three weeks ago because they needed a guy that had a cool suit with ribbons, stars and medals and they couldn't get Michael Jackson?
Reverend Al Sharpton: Is the popmpadour the only hairstyle that you feel adequately conceals your horns? Will you say hi to Tawanna Brawley for me?
Senator John Edwards: Since you withdrew from running for re-election to the Senate and have no hope of becoming President, are you afraid of getting a cramp from chasing that first ambulance next year?
Senator Joe Lieberman: Considering that you share so many positions with the President, are you running because he can't adequately defend your shared positions in Yiddish? Do you plan on winning more votes than the President yet still losing this time as well?
Representative Dennis Kucinch: Exactly which Tolkein character are you? Are you insane?
Senator Bob Graham: Who are you?
Currently Reading "The Years of Lyndon Johnson: Master of the Senate" - Robert A. Caro
Number of Times I've Masturbated Today: 4
Easy Listening:
"But she's had a sugar daddy
and a candy apple Caddy
and a bank account and everything
accustomed to the finer things
he probably left her for a socialite
and he didn't love her 'cept at night
and then he's drunk and never
even told her that he cared
so they took the registration
and the car-keys and her shoes
And left her with an invitation
to the blues"
Tom Waits
Invitation to the Blues
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GENERAL, ARE YOU SURE WHICH NOMINATION YOU'RE SEEKING?
This is beautiful in ways that I'm not sure I have the words to describe. Let's say you're.....I dunno, running for the Democratic presidential nomination and have been all WEEK. And let's say that you're getting ready for your very first debate with people who have been in professional politics for a combined 36,000 years. Then some comments you made in the distant past, say an indiscretion of youth, a WHOLE 27 MONTHS ago, came out. Comments, say, like these:
"And I'm very glad we've got the great team in office, men like Colin Powell, Don Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney, Condoleezza Rice... People I know very well - our president George W. Bush. We need them there."
Now let's also say that one of your major opponents has started a website called, say.....I don't know, something wild like www.amiserablefailure.com.
What are you going to do tonight, you ask?
Firstly, switch parties....Again.
Or, seriously start reconsidering that whole, "I'm not a stalking horse for Hillary Clinton" position that you've taken lately.
Goddammit, I love life today!
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AT LEAST THEY CAN GET MARRIED NOW
I've never held the Canadian courts in high regard. I figured that would score me some points when I was called for Jury Duty last year. No dice, I had to do it anyway. Long story short, a really cute black girl wasn't declaring her student loan payments on her welfare statements each month. We convicted her. It was hardly "12 Angry Men." it was more like 4 yentas, a couple of Koreans, a hot schoolteacher, a few retirees and me. But I got a paid week off of work and that was nice, too.
The Canadian courts have been out of control for decades. As much as Americans like to bitch about "activist courts" they have no idea what they're talking about. This has much to do with our respective consititutions. First we'll look at the U.S Constitution and its attendant amendments. All things being equal, these are fairy straightfoward documents. For the most part, they dictate what the government may not do and what activities they are not to interfere with.
Now compare this with the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms. You'll see the difference immediately.
All you really need to read of the Charter is Section one, it neatly negates the rest of it. It reads as follows:
1. The Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms guarantees the rights and freedoms set out in it subject only to such reasonable limits prescribed by law as can be demonstrably justified in a free and democratic society.
Do you know what means? No, no you don't. No one does. Parliment and the signatory Provinces (all of them exept for Quebec) figured these things are best resolved by the courts. After all, what could happen?
I'm glad you asked. This could happen! Boy goes to prison. Boy meets another boy. Love is decidedly not in the air. Boy One stabs Boy Two with a sharpened spoon. Boy gets off of a Murder Two rap on self-defence, which may or may not be reasonable. But Boy One argues that he has a right to carry a deadly weapon in prison. My American readers should keep in mind that we're disallowed from keeping deadly weapons outside of prison.
Now, the fact that the Supreme Court of Canada refused to hear this case is an argument that there is still a modicum of sanity in this country. But this is undercut by the fact that it even got that far in the first place.
Hey, I just realized that I ranted about the Charter without screaming about the "Notwithstanding Clause" once. Maybe I'll save that for later...it's really funny.
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Wednesday, September 24, 2003
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DEBATE A-GO-GO
This week is nirvana for me. No fewer than three political debates, three nights in a row. This is almost as good as free porn. Almost.
Last night was the Ontario provincial debate. Three political losers all vying to be our Premier. But since none of you know anything about it and that the debate itself was such a non-event, I won't bore you by writing about it.
I WILL, however, bore you by writing about the California recall candidates debates. I have two different scales by which I judge success or failure in televised debates; being generally good on television and actually having thought out your own bullshit political theories.On both these criteria, I neither have to agree or even like you, let alone consider ever voting for you to judge you a success. I don't hold politicians to a higher standard than I hold voters. I hold both beneath contempt. Maybe it's just me...I'm a "people person."
On the "actually having thought though their own bullshit" score, there were two winners, neandrathal Republican State Senator Tom McClintock and Tooth Fairy enthusiast, Green Party candidate Peter Camejo. The could could actually explain why they believe the insane bullshit that they respectively propose.
But no one wants to listen to policy, not while the West Wing is on in the same time slot (I wonder if they rescued Zoe tonight. She and Charlie are so cute together.) Voters want flash and bullshit. this was dominated by two people with accents that would ordinarily preclude them from being on television, psychopathic political transvestitie, Arianna Huffington and Conan the Republican, Arnold Schwarzenegger. But these two have been in front of cameras for decades.
Tomorrow night there's a debate between the 65 Democrats vying for the right to be humiliated by George Bush on CNBC. I'm sure I'll have a lot to write about that.
Current Reading: "The Years of Lyndon Johnson: Master of the Senate" - Robert A. Caro
Number of Times I've Masturbated Today: 4
Easy Listening:
"The sunshine bores the daylights out of me
Chasing shadows, moonlight mystery
Headed for the overload
Splattered on the dirty road
Kick me like you did before
I can't even feel the pain no more"
-The Rolling Stones
Rocks Off
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Tuesday, September 23, 2003
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HOMO NEWS ROUNDUP
As you all know by now, I'm a big supporter of the gay community. Aside from honestly not giving a fuck who anyone fucks if it isn't me, the community is a constant source of amusement. In that spirit, I feel that being made fun of like everyone else is the last barrier to true equality. So, I know make fun of gay people. Hope everyone feels better.
Arnold Schwarzenegger made his views on "that fag business" well known in his 1977 "Oui" magazine interview. His tolerance was mocked when that interview came back to light earlier this summer. But now Arnold is putting his penis where his mouth is (wait a second, that doesn't sound right.) It appears that the aspiring Governator posed nude for celebrated bullwhip-in-ass enthusiast Robert Mapplethorpe. This should be good!
In other news, Pennsylvania is turning out to be a hotbed of homo-action. I just found this story randomly. This is a desire with a couple of interesting twists, a gay rape fantasy and anti-semitism. I know what you're thinking...Kinky! Me, too. And this is the Deputy Fire Commisioner. I guess Freud was right about guys who spend an inordinate amount of time around big hoses.
And finally, last Friday Mary Magdalicious (as funny as she is beautiful) reported this story. YIKES! Now, I always had a theory about high school jocks being huge homos, I just thought they'd do better at keeping it a secret. Can you imagine looking at your team mate and thinking "you know what would make him really cute? A broomstick, a pinecone and some golf balls up his ass!" All I can is...Wow. Okay, fucking Wow!
Of course, the good folks of Pennsylvania were slightly offended by this. And I can understand why! I mean, come on, these kids aren't in the Fire Department or anything! What the fuck?
The schoolboard was upset, too. So upset that they cancelled the team's entire season! See, if they only sodomized a couple of cheerleaders...I dunno, the board might've called a couple of games and pretended it was raining. Isn't there a "don't ask/don't tell" policy with high school homo-hijinks?
The funniest part is, the community is protesting the cancellation of the season! "Give us our homo rapist team!" they declare. "Who amongst us have never shoved a golf ball, a broomstick and some pinecones in a young boy's ass?" they cry.
Thank Christ that I was always horrible at sports because I have a beautiful ass and I've never taken anything bigger than a finger in it. And I was almost 30 when that happened. Granted, I came this close to marrying the owner of the finger.....
On second thought, I kinda wish they had pine cones where she lives.
Currently Reading: "The Years of Lyndon Johnson: Master of the Senate" - Robert A. Caro
Number of Times I've Masturbated Today: 5
Easy Listening:
"And if California slides into the ocean
Like the mystics and statistics say it will
I predict this motel will be standing
Until I pay my bill"
-Warren Zevon
Desperados Under the Eaves
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IN PRAISE OF KILGORE TROUT
I continue my ongoing correspondence with the lovely and talented (and, it turns out, suprisingly svelte) Kilgore Trout. Young Kilgore is crafty indeed. First, he softens me up with lofty praise, then points out three different ways that I'm fuctionally retarded.
His letter is posted below, my responses are italicized.
Hello MJ,
I stand in awe of the breathtaking scope of your knowledge of the political history and current affairs of countries where you do not actually live (That's awfully sweet, Kilgore.I'd be much prouder of myself if this could get me laid. Even once.). I, by contrast, am but a sad and envious man, with a flaccid intellect suited only for picking at minor mistakes made by greater minds (I'd hold off on that until you saw my SATs. And flaccid would be a nice change for me, really it would). So here goes:
1. In your excellent post on civil rights for fat people, you stated that Deidra Everett, who is 5-foot-10 and weighs 460 pounds, would be at her ideal weight if she were "25 feet tall." Actually, according to calculations I made regarding Body Mass Index, Ms. Everett can reach a "normal" BMI -- less than 25 -- if she increases her height to just 9-foot-6. Alternatively, she can lose 252 pounds, in which case she will be merely "overweight."
Okay, I exaggerated a little. So sue me! Wait...You're American, you might litigate. Nevermind. Although, 9 foot 6 gets me awfully aroused, but this will just start me on Arwen's_Curse again. Though she does seem to like it when I mention her here. Note to self: Mention her more.
Interestingly, if Ms. Everett laid down on top of and parallel to a railroad track and was cut in half by a train, (assuming it could survive the impact), each half-Deidra would have a BMI of 33, on a scale where 30 and above is "obese." Your BMI, MJ, is 19.8. Mine, for the benefit of single women in the Denver metro area, is 22.2.
While cutting Ms. Everett in half with a train sounds tantalizing for any number of reasons, it strikes me as impractical. It's also stomach turning that a "half-Deidra" would STILL have a BMI approaching mine and Kilgore's COMBINED! I also must point out that I have a lower BMI than Kilgore's. This makes me more sexually appealing! The patriarchal media told me so. And unlike Kilgore, I'm willing to travel. (Note to Kilgore: Every little bit helps.)
2. In an otherwise well-informed post regarding gay marriage in America, you stated that a "Defense of Marriage" Constitutional amendment would require the approval of 36 states. This used to be true, but a few years back we let Alaska and Hawaii join our happy little homophobic party, and nowadays Constitutional amendments have to pass muster in 38 states (three-fourths of 50 is 37.5, round up).
In response to this point, I'll concede two things; A) I write my posts very quickly and don't tend to think much when I do. I'm thrilled when I used proper paragraph structure and capitalize the right things. I may be obnoxious, ugly and stupid, but I'm easy to read. B) I suck at math. Although conventional wisdom does dictate 37 states to be adequate for a Constitutional Ammendment, I will bow to your abacus.
3. On September 21, you misspelled "chanteuse". Also: Beyoncé has an accent on the second "e".
I misspell many French words. Spellcheck doesn't recognize them and I would reserve the right tomisspelll them even if it did. You'd have to share a fucking country with those people to understand. I also refuse to recognize anyone from Houston, Texas having the right to an accent in their name. I'm funny that way, I guess.
Much love,
Right back atcha
Kilgore Trout, Chaotic Not Random
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I HATE IT WHEN I'M WRONG
Remember last Monday when I pontificated like a goddamn genius about the California recall? Sure you do...you all thought it was brilliant, too. Several of my female readers stuck to their chairs reading my wisdom, thinking if only I could whisper my political acumen into their ears as I roger them randily.....Okay, I can dream can't I?
Well, forget everything I said. The full Ninth Circut over-ruled the panel ruling. The freak show is officially back on for October 7th.
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I KNEW IT!
Australia is officially the world's gayest country! Of course, one should expect no less from a nation that was founded as a penal colony and has a nasty reputation as being the date-rape capital of the world. Christ, these people sell Rohypnol in school cafeterias. Except they call it "Happy Date."
And yes, it is my xenophobia that makes me so adorable.
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Monday, September 22, 2003
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FAT PEOPLE SHOULD REALLY SHUT UP!
Okay, I think that it's time for everyone to officially shut the fuck up. Particularly about how persecuted you are should qualify my remarks on this. There is still horrible discrimination against, say...Black people. Being black is something you can't really change or have any reason to be ashamed of. Therefore, discriminating against blacks (and yes, people of Texas, this does include chaining them to the back of your pick-up truck and driving really, really fast does count) is repugnant. To a lesser extent this is also true of Asians.
Picking on people due to their sexual orientation is also wrong. At this point, I'd be flattered that anyone would want to fuck me. And, given my experiences with women in the last six months, a set of sweaty balls in my mouth might not be the worst thing that's ever happened to me. Okay, I'm getting off point. But for the most part, gay people can avoid discrimination by not advertisizing their preferences. This may sound cold, but if I scream about who I'd like to fuck at work, I get fired. Buy a helmet and grow the fuck up, ok? Thanks.
Those are cases of genuine discrimination. But lately everybody feels the need to be targeted. And, to quote John Wayne, it's getting to be ri-goddamned-diculous. Fat people have decided that they need federal civil rights protection. And I thought those fucking people were supposed to jolly! Lying fucking media!
"Joseph Connor, also of Connecticut, claimed last year that McDonald's Corp. rescinded a job offer because of his size. This month, the fast-food company settled under terms both sides have declined to disclose. The plaintiff, who weighs close to 420 pounds and is 6 feet 1 inch, had alleged in court papers that the burger chain promised he could start work as soon as a specially ordered uniform arrived. But the job never materialized."
I have a couple of points on this. Firstly, 420 pounds at 6'1"? Holy Christ! I'M 6'1" and I weigh 150.4 lbs (Shit, I gained almost 7 pounds in week!) Granted, I understand that not everyone can be as georgous as me. This cat is very close to being THREE of me! And by the way, isn't McDonald's being sued for making people fat? Maybe having a guy who tips the scales at 420 isn't a face they want on the frontlines of that battle.
And when did fat people get the idea that they were so fucking special anyhow? About a year ago, some giant tub of goo decided that she was suing U.S Airways because she was made to pay for a second seat to accommodate her massive girth. Color me insane, but if you're as big as two people, you should pay the two people rate, okay? And while you're at it, try not to sleep on my shoulder on the Pittsburgh to San Francisco flight! I (used to) get laid for hours on end after I landed and no one wants to feel your drool on my body. I'm very specific about whose drool I want and where. So fucking sue me, fatty.....on second thought, forget I said that.
But the argument gets better. So much better.
"While there is little data available detailing the extent of size bias, Deidra Everett, secretary of the New England Chapter of the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance, believes there have been a few changes in society's view of the overweight. ''Society has changed its image a little when it comes to smaller large people,'' Everett said. 'It is more accepted now that a woman can be a size 12 through 18 and still be fit. Also, in the media, the whole extreme leanness [trend] is not as popular as it was six or seven years ago. So, the media is trying to show that curves can be OK.' "
The National Association of Fat Acceptance? What the fuck is that? Do they have a cute slogan, like, "We're Here, We're Steer, Get Used to it!?" I also love the phrase "smaller large people." "Smaller large people" is a phrase that plays like "a little pregnant" or "kind of crazy". You either are or you're not. Period! As to "curves"...As someone as painfully heterosexual as I, I understand the appreciation of curves. Buldges just don't qualify as curves unless I'm tracing you with a fucking crayon and I have an NEA grant!
"At most workplaces, she said, little has changed. Everett, who, at 36, weighs 460 pounds and is 5 feet 10 inches, knows firsthand. She said prospective employers have pursued her aggressively over the phone, and then suddenly changed their minds after meeting her. Stunned by her appearance, the recruiter will scan her body, pausing at the fattest part, and then look away."
'''Eventually, they'll get back to your face and give you this nervous smile that says, 'Oh, dear!' They don't know where to look. They become flustered and there is not a lot of eye contact,'' she said. ''I can't understand how people can be so judgmental without knowing who I am. It makes you feel terrible.' "
460? Now don't get me wrong....460 is an ideal weight....If you're 25 feet tall! If you're surprised at people being "stunned "at your appearance, then you're a fucking idiot! I particularly love the "pausing at the fattest part" bit. How could you not? Most people are amazed at the mavel of nature that is physics. You see a girl at 460. What are you going to think other than "how the fuck did that happen?"
You might read this hateful little screed and think that I'm being mean to fat people. You'd be right, too. I am. I would argue, though, that I'm not being half as mean as God or nature or the "Goddess" or whatever you fucking people believe in is. My words may hurt to whoever is dumb enough to give a shit about what I think but I would venture a guess that they don't hurt half as bad as the heart attack, stroke or diabities that invariably shithammer these fucking people does.
Did you know that diabieties can lead to having your foot amputated? It can. Although, that can also lead to Diedre Everett losing 83 pounds.
I think I'm ready to go to Hell now.
Currently Reading: "The Years of Lyndon Johnson: Master of the Senate" - Robert A. Caro
Number of Times I've Masturbated Today: 6
Easy Listening: "I Hate Myself And I Want To Die" - Nirvana
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Sunday, September 21, 2003
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I LOVE THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE LESS RELEVANT THAN I AM
So, I know what you're thinking, "Gee, MJ hasn't posted all weekend, I wonder why." Okay, I know you really don't give a fuck if I post or not but I sometimes pretend that you do. It makes me feel pretty. I'm funny that way.
Just in case somebody actually does give a fuck, I'll tell you why I haven't posted. Firstly, I've looked over what I've written lately and realized that I suck, so why bother? Secondly, I'm massively depressed and have spent most of my time in bed, drinking and taking sleeping pills. Not that I actually sleep for more than three hours...yeah, I know, I'm fun central. So, between sucking and being depressed, I've decided that I now don't give a fuck if I post every day or not. Maybe this will change, maybe it won't, like I said, I don't give a fuck. Zombie has enough backlog material from me that I never have to write again if I don't feel like it and I still meet my commitments. Go me.
Anyhow, I'm still sort of scanning newspapers and I came across this. Look teenagers, the shockingly relevant Stevie Nicks has an opinion on something...lets take a look. Stevie has a problem with Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Augileria. It appars that the cash-whore chantusse of the obsolete Fleetwood Mac has a problem with hot, barely clothed entertainers tounge kissing on MTV. I guess it's not the same as kissing the creepily obnoxious Don Henley or the generally freakish Mick Fleetwood.
And why do I get the feeling that if the new Fleetwood Mac tour stiffs any bigger we'll all soon see Stevie holding Beyonce Knowles like a puppet on VH1?
In any event, this stupid story gave us all an excuse to look at this picture again.
Christ, I love faux lesbianism.
Laters.
Currently Reading: "The Years of Lyndon Johnson: Master of the Senate - Robert A. Caro
Number of Times I've Masturbated Today: 4
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Friday, September 19, 2003
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STALKING HORSES AND WOUNDED DOGS
So it turns out that the Clinton's had more to do with General Wesley Clark's presidential campaign than previously thought Interesting that someone who is being touted as so brilliant can be so blind to the motives of Bill and Hill. Especially someone who's been bitten on the ass by Bill Clinton before and proceeded to write what I understand to be a really angry book about the whole experience.
It's becoming increasingly apparent that the Clinton's have a convention strategy at work here. It is as follows, Clark dilutes support for Dean (on popular appeal), Kerry (on national security) and Edwards (on southern moderate issues). Assuming that Dean wins both the New Hampshire and Iowa (which would knock Gephardt out of the race entirely) primaries, the field becomes wide open in South Carolina, where Clark softens up Edwards and Kerry without actually winning himself.
Then on Super Tuesday, those primary states are divided between Dean, Clark and Lieberman. Lieberman will probably win New York but a situation arises, for the first time since 1952, where the Convention opens in Boston with no clear front runner.
The question then becomes "Who can beat Bush?" I think that Lieberman probably could (in the same way that Clinton beat Bush 41, by running on his issues) but he won't have the delegates to win the nomination. Under this theory, a "Draft Hillary" movement starts on the floor, which conveniently allows the senator to sidestep her repeated promise not to run, citing party unity.
This scenario cannot play out without Clark in the race. Without Clark, as things currently stand, this race is Dean's to lose. Clark softens everybody up sufficiently that no one goes into the Convention with a delegate majority. Another plus is that Clark's campaign team are all Clinton veterans whom Hillary could neatly inherit by promising Clark the vice-presidency.
I believe that this is what's behind the Clinton support for Clark. Whether it plays out that way is an open question. In any event, Clark ends up being a tortured cur left in the South Boston park of the Clintons' macheivellian ambitions.
And they all live happily ever after.
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Thursday, September 18, 2003
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I HATE TO DISAGREE WITH MARY, BUT HOW OFTEN DO I GET TO SHOW OFF MY KNOWLEDGE OF INDIAN POLITICS?
As my regular readers know, I have nothing but the utmost esteem for Mary Magdalicious. She is amoungst the funniest and most sensitive writers I know. I implore you all to read both her blog and her work at Chaos In Motion. You'll be glad you did.
And I can't really blame her for knowing little about Indian politics. It's an aquired taste.
Mary had linked this article from the Guardian (the most leftist newspaper since Pravda went legit) that implied that sectarian strife in India is actually sectarian in nature.
It's not. Although it's a little complicated to explain the current "religious" violence is anything but. For melinnia, India had a peaceful co-existance between its Hindu majority and Muslim minority. Sectarian violence was almost unheard of. The Caste system existed to fuel the local need for irrational hatred. As a matter of fact, during the, albeit brief, Persian reign over India, inter-religious strife was virtually unknown.
Then came the British. The British had already perfected the political tool of "divide and conquer" by the tme they reached India (see, Africa). The division of the sub-contenient along ethinic/eligious lines'prevented a uninfied front against the British occupation and exploitation of their land. The problem was they were just a tad too successful. When it came time for the British to go back to the Isle of Boiled Food, they realized that they couldn't just flee without a Hindu/Muslim holocaust. So, they carved a big hunk out of northeastern India, called it Pakistan and said "Okay, Muslims, on three......One, Two, Three.....RUN!" And the Muslims ran just as fast as the British did. Well, not quite...the Muslims didn't have a navy. Hundreds of thousands were slaughtered during the "repatriation" process.
But there was a lession to be learned. The Indians are good at learning.
For a long time the lessons were held in reserve. During the socialist rule of the Congress Party (all of whose leaders were from one family. I'd also like to take this opportunity to point out to Mr. Harding that Ragiv Gandhi was removed by multiple assassin's bullets as opposed to a weapons scandal) there was more than enough corruption to go around.
But the corruption train reached it's last station and Congress was at a loss as to where to turn. Thankfully, there was the opposition BJP which had an answer; killing thy neighbour. Well, that's not entirely true. You see, India has a problem common to countries whose names begin with the letter "I"... They have more political parties than citizens.So, the BJP is actually an amalgamation of smaller, regional parties. These parties learned in the early nineties that more Muslims you kill, the more votes you get. And so on and so on and so on.
Nothing works like success, the BJP and it's component parties won one election. Then another one. And another one still. And guess what....an election in India is due pretty soon. Nothing succeeds quite like success. In terms that Americans can understand, it's like the Governor of Alabama pushing a tax-raising referendum because that's "what Jesus would want"...Okay, bad example.
Anyway, I hope this served as some clarification, All right, I know it isn't but I feel pretty now.
Okay, actually I'm bitter! I demand to know why a working knowledge of Indian politics can't get me laid! Is it not........ sexxsay??
Currently Reading: The Years of Lyndon Johnson: Master of the Senate - Robert A. Caro ( Well, I am over 600 pages in)
Number of Times I Masturbated Today: 3
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WE DON'T NEED NO EDUKASHUN
I should preface the following commentary by saying that I'm the only person I know who dropped out of both high school AND college. I'm fantastically uneducated. My stupidity knows no bounds as both my intellectual pursuits and my love life will testify to. Yet still I'm one to throw stones. Funny that.
Apparently, Mayor Richard Daley,Jr of Chicago recognized way back in 1995 that the public high school system is in crisis. After 8 long years of study, Daley determined the source of the problem. High school is boring. This is an original insight. I know people who went to high school in Chicago and "boring" is the last adjective that would be used to describe it. I've heard the Chicago school system as being like Vietnam with heavier artillery, but never have I heard it described as boring.
For years now, I assumed that children were just getting stupid, as if a reverse evolution was taking place. Now I know better. The entire bureaucracy is soft headed, from the Mayor on down.
At least we can count on teachers to be there for kids, right? Even if their underqualified, they can be counted on for their racial sensitivity, right? Wrong! I read that story and nearly fell off my chair laughing. A teacher referred to her black students as "Little Sambos?" Holy Fuck, what year is it there, 1936? Does this woman brush with "Darkie" toothpaste. I loved her excuse, too. She thought it was no different than Joe, Suzy or Sam. Now, I'm a fairly worldly cat....I've never met a Sambo and so far as I know, the name only carries one connotation. Just one.
Maybe the children are our future. And if they are, we're all fucking doomed!
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YOU KNOW YOUR BAND SUCKS IF...
I'm not particularly well versed in the current music scene. This is largely because I'm bored and old but also because most of it sucks and I gave up caring years ago. It doesn't sound like much but giving up caring about the music scene was a big step for me. Perhaps soon, I'll give up caring about everything else.
I still read the music press though. Granted, this is because I'm involved on a betting pool on when and how Scott Weiland next gets arrested. But last night I saw this and had to comment.
It turns out a Florida industrial band named Hell On Earth is promoting the fact that one of their fans is going to commit suicide onstage at a show next month. Apparently, the fan is terminally ill although being a fan of industrial music should be enough to warrant a public suicide. The fan is planning to put a plastic bag over his head to promote the cause of "death with dignity." Maybe I'm old fashioned, but suffocating in public while some jerk-off band plays a song called "Toliet Licking Maggot" doesn't strike me as a Churchillian level of dignity. The story would be funnier if he actually offed himself during "Raped By the Virgin Mary" because at least it's a funny song title.
Obviously, this little publicity stunt has caused something of a stir. There are several sad aspects to this story. First, this IS a publicity stunt; the poor bastard will probably end up dying alone in a hospital somewhere. Secondly, people actually bought it, giving these losers priceless publicity. Thirdly, the band won't be joining in on the public suicide.
The whole sorry spectacle makes me miss a truly sensitive artist like G.G Allin.
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Wednesday, September 17, 2003
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WHEN PARENTS ATTACK!
Okay, it's a really slow news day. I hate it when then that happens because it leaves me with a dilemma; do I write about my own life which I am loathe to do (and not sure I can without weeping uncontrollably) or do I not write at all? I'm trying very hard to make a least one entry a day because if I stop for an extended period of time (more than say, three days) I'll stop completely. And then what will you people do? I'm well aware of how so many of you have fallen in love with my self-disgust and that if I quit, you'll have no choice but to focus on your own.
So, I consider this useless prattle (Sorry, 0phelia) a public service. And I take public service very seriously. I'm like Wesley Clark with a shitty resume and a better chance of becoming President that way.
Anyway, on with the show. I question of the judgment of most people when they decide to become parents. Most people are such titanic psychic messes that they have no business having children. Their neuroses are guaranteed to impact their children in ways that can only benefit Oprah and Jerry Springer. And Christ help us all when sports become involved.
I've always felt that the vicarious thrill that fathers get through their sons on the athletic field is deeply disturbing. It's become increasingly obvious in recent years that the insane euphoria attendant a child's victory on the field soon leads to the psychotic violence of defeat. It wasn't that long ago that one father beat another to death following a hockey game in Boston.
Now, with equality of the sexes being what it is, girls are involved. Perhaps even more perplexing than the minor public assault on the girl was the fact that the family moved to the Toronto area from the U.S so that she could play hockey "at a more competitive level." I would suggest that if your love of children's athletics is strong enough to drive you to expatriotism then you should lose custody of your children and you should be immediately sterilized. At some point society should be allowed to step in.
Maybe I'm over-reacting. I just don't think so.
Currently Reading: The Years of Lyndon Johnson: Master of the Senate - Robert A. Caro
Number of Times I've Masturbated Today: 4 (Which is odd as, if anything, I'm more depressed than I was yesterday.)
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Tuesday, September 16, 2003
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WHO KNEW? TELEVISION EXECUTIVES ARE SWINE!
Special Edition From the "How Did I Know This Would Fucking Happen" Desk
So, John Ritter died on Friday and everybody was really sad....until Tuesday.
Today officially became ABC's "How do we make a boatload of money from the corpse" day. And like network vermin always do, they found a way. For those of you who, like me, were unaware that Ritter was back on television, he was. He had a show called "8 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter" (I never saw the show, so I can't tell you if it sucked or not. But from the memorial footage, I can report that the "daughter" had a really nice ass and that's what makes a hit.)
Well, the cooperate curs at the network decided that the show must go on and they'll just kill the Ritter Character and build the show around the mourning of the family. I know what you're thinking, too "That should lead to laugh-filled dates for the daughter." In fact, it might mark the first time in human history that a woman gets a sympathy fuck. Actually, that's not true either. I gave one once, but that was a long time ago and I'd rather not talk about it.
But this turn of events raises an interesting question. What happens if you violate one of those rules now? Does the Ritter Ghost haunt you with pratfalls from beyond the grave? Maybe Katey Seagal should marry a meth-dealing, neo-nazi...You know, to give the title some bite. It would make for a hell of a season cliffhanger. "Tune in for a very special (all wedding, drug related, death or molestation themed sitcom episodes are "very special" as opposed to "unfunny") 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter....Mom has mourned over love lost and in the process, found love again." Then you could show Mom and the kids hugging a guy with a cut-off denim jacket over his tuxedo and three tattoo tears.
I really should move to Hollywood.
Currently Reading: The Years of Lyndon Johnson:Master of the Senate - Robert A. Caro
Number of Times I've Masturbated Today: 1 (I'm really, really depressed today.)
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YOU ALWAYS FIND THE FUNNIEST THINGS BY ACCIDENT
I found this on one of Judy0309's multiple blogs. It appears that my new speakers are fucked up, so I can't actually hear the bit but it looks really funny and I can personally testify to her sense of humour. The woman loves a good joke.
After all, she put up with me for far longer than she should have.
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SIN, VICE AND DEPRAVITY...WELCOME TO VANCOUVER
As most of my American readers know, Canada has gone insane lately. We've got everything you fear, loathe and deep down, secretly crave. We, in the last six months, got Gay Marriage, the decriminalization of marijuana, an impossibly convoluted stand on the War in Iraq, laws that-at the best of times-makes the USA Patriot Act sound like leftist propaganda, Mad Cow disease and, oh yeah, SARS. We love the attention. You finally noticed us!
But as crazy as Canada has gotten, the city of Vancouver has gotten crazier. Lots and lots crazier. Last week, in response to a letter from Kilgore, I addressed a "shooting gallery" (a safe house for injecting heroin and/cocaine). That gallery was operating illegally but was tolerated by the Mayor, Larry Campbell. Instead of issuing a cease and desist order, Campbell lobbied the Provincal and Federal governments for a waiver to the Criminal Code to open his own, municipal shooting gallery. Miraculously, he got it.
As I argued last week, I feel the War on Drugs is insane, stupid and should've collapsed of its own weight years ago. As matter of both personal liberty and of public health, I support the move. Yet, however much I support the principle, I fear its consequences. Just as when the Ontario Court of Appeal legalized same-sex marriage American gays flocked to Toronto to get hitched, every Seattle teen with a Kurt Cobain death rock fantasy will go to Vancouver to dabble with Heroin "safely" (one must remember that teenagers are stupid).
I can't imagine that the State of Washington, its Congressional delegation or the 68 people currently running for president will much like this. And one must remember, the United States is going into an election year. At this point, my only question is "Which candidate proposes to change the national anthem to 'Blame Canada' first?"
Could it get wackier, you ask? Sure it could. But it's not like the Vancouver City Council would ever do anything crazy like legalizing prostitution, right? Well....Wrong. They are. Under a proposed city ordinance, "hooking from home" will soon be all nice and legal-like. Well, sort of.
Unlike the United States, Canada only has one set of criminal laws, the Criminal Code of Canada. American criminal law is largely a state issue. For example, in the U.S, murder is not a federal offense unless the victim is a federal official killed in the course of his or her duties or the victims were killed with a weapon of mass destruction. Timothy McVeigh was only convicted and executed for 9 counts of murder (the number of Secret Service, FBI and IRS agents he killed with a WMD) out of 168 victims. Oklahoma state law governed the murders of the rest. As Canada has only a Federal criminal law, it is not possible for one province to decriminalize something that remains felonious in the rest of the country (like Nevada has done with prostitution or several states have done with gambling). Should this ordinance pass, the City of Vancouver will be in direct contravention of Federal Law. In an broad interpretation of the Criminal Code, each member of the City Council who votes for this measure could theoretically be prosecuted for either promoting prostitution or criminal facilitation. This will never happen, but it would be funny.
I've made my views on prostitution known on August 29 in an entry called "Rubbing and Tugging the Law" where I also explained how it can be conducted legally with little inconvenience to ordinary neighborhoods (because I'm helpful like that) so I won't repeat them here.
But always remember, no matter how crazy you think the place you live is, there's someplace crazier. Unless, of course, you live in Vancouver.
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Monday, September 15, 2003
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DAMN YOU, 9TH CIRCUIT COURT OF APPEALS, DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!
Those Marxist motherfuckers on the 9th circuit Court of Appeals just postponed the California Recall Election until March!
Godfuckit!
In the 20 minutes I've had to analyze the situation I've come to the following conclusions.
1. Gray Davis has shamrocks growing out of his ass: This decision effectively reschedules the recall until the March 2 presidential primary.
What does this matter, you ask? Well ask yourself this, "How competitive is the republican primary this year?" That's right, only the President is running. Not an enticing situation for republican turn-out. So Davis now has an election where only democrats are voting. Sweet set up.
2. Exit the Arnold: Schwarzenegger cannot win now. He doesn't have the cross-over appear with democrats to avoid utter humiliation. There is now almost six months for the press and Davis' opposition research people to dig up all sorts of interesting nuggets from Arnold's past. Therefore, Arnold will drop out by the end of the week. At least he still has a day job.
3. Cruz Bustamante is fucking doomed: The Lt. Governor entered a race he opposed and explicitly said that he wouldn't enter on the day it was certified. That promise didn't last a week. Bustamante entered for one reason and one reason alone, he and Davis despise one another. Now that Davis is almost certain to escape recall, Bustamante's name is officially shit in democratic party circles. Expect him to drop out in the next 48 hours.
4. The U.S Supreme Court will not go anywhere near this mess: remember that ugliness with Bush v. Gore about three years ago? Now, do you remember how popular it made the Court? Yeah, so do they. They had a pretty good idea how popular it would be, too. Accordingly, within the decision itself the Court declared that the decision was relevant only to the case at hand not as a means of establishing precedent. In other words, they said "Keep this shit away from us in the future, ok? Thanks." I doubt that they'll willingly involve themselves in another political circus anytime soon.
5. I now have no reason left to live: Let's review, shall we? Not only do I not have a job or a girlfriend, I don't even have a freakshow to entertain me anymore. Sure, there's a dopey election here in Ontario, but it's not the same. Anybody have any suggestions on how to write a funny suicide note?
Currently Reading: The Years of Lyndon Johnson: Master of the Senate -Robert A. Caro (C'mon, the fucking thing is 1,100 pages long)
Number of Times I've Masturbated Today: 5
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Sunday, September 14, 2003
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AL GORE IS AN IDIOT
I'm constantly amused by the continuing leftie anger toward Ralph Nader. Jesus, wasn't that election nearly three years ago. But the anger continues. Democrats believe in "counting every vote (over and over again, if necessary)" but apparently not in the unfettered right of anyone to run for public office, especially if it fucks with their odds of winning.
So Gore had a challenge from his left, so what? People often forget that George W. Bush had a challenge from his right in Patrick J. Buchannan. In 1948, President Harry S. Truman had challengers on his right (then Governor Strom Thurmond) AND his left (former Vice-President Henry Wallace). Both Truman and Bush overcame their intra-party challenges and won the general election. It's called being a political professional. You have an opponent, you beat him. It's pretty simple when you think about it.
Vice-President Albert Gore, Jr. was never a political professional. Granted, he did well in Tennessee, where he ran against nobodies for 13 years. But people forget that the 2000 campaign wasn't Gore's first run for the presidency. He ran in the primaries in 1988 where he got stomped like the naked, fat guy at Altamont by Jesse Jackson of all people. Jesse Jackson beat Al Gore in Michigan, too. In white county after white county, Al Gore became a prison bitch to one of the least serious people ever to run for the presidency. In the 2000 primaries Al Gore was in mortal terror that he, a sitting vice-president, might lose the nomination to an NBA white guy.
George Bush, like him or not, is a political professional. People forget how Bush became Governor of Texas. He ran against a highly popular incumbent, Ann Richards. The polls had Richards ahead by 40 points, an insurmountable lead. And Bush won. Big. Richards was being touted as a future presidential nominee, so popular was she. And Bush, a supposed idiot frat boy, crushed her like a fucking beer can. In he re-election campaign, Bush won with 60% of the vote and went on to face a field of 9 for the GOP presidential nomination, a field that included media centerfold Senator John McCain. And Bush beat them all in record time. The nomination was his by the first of March.
Then came the general election campaign. Bush worked his ass off and he really didn't need to. Gore was so busy destroying himself on the road that Bush should've just sat back and watched. Gore, in a move unique to southern nominees through history, wrote off the south. He almost never went there. He ignored his own home state of Tennessee, which had he won it, would have made Florida irrelevant. So panicked was the Gore team that, in the days before the election, they were plotting a strategy of how to spin his losing the popular vote while winning in the Electoral College.
And then came Florida.
During that debacle, Gore was seemingly on television every 15 seconds with more American flags behind him with each appearance, justifying why he was suing everyone in sight. His public support eroded daily. Counting every vote seemed like a nice concept (unless, y'know you vote by military absentee ballot) but Gore wanted the votes counted over and over again. And the only reason that Florida mattered at all was because his campaign strategy made it matter.
So, let's let Ralph Nader fade into obscurity, Democrats. With all this bitching and moaning, you only encourage him to run again. If you want to win, nominate someone who looks like they want to win...Someone like Al Sharpton.
Shit, I just political again, didn't I?
Currently Reading: "The Years of Lyndon Johnson: Master of the Senate- Robert A. Caro
Number of Times I've Masturbated Today: 5
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BE ALL THAT YOU CAN BE
Ever feel like you've been fucked by the U.S government? No? Fear not, now you can be. It turns out that the four branches of the Armed Services have been recruiting convicted sex offenders and deploying them overseas. Apparently it's not a secret either. On one of the sex offender registry websites, there's a picture of an offender, in full military uniform, with the caption "deployed to Kuwait" underneath it.
You could build a nice little recruiting program out of this. The posters alone would be fantastic. "There are only 150 million women to rape in the U.S and 2 and a half billion everywhere else" and "Foreign kids are easy and we provide the candy bars. Be all that you can be." Incentive programs could be "kids like shiny objects...Like a Siver Star."
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Saturday, September 13, 2003
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THE FUNNIEST THING I EVER SAW (Note to People I Actually Know: You've Heard this Story Before. Several Times)
In July of 1987, my friend Richard turned 18. Richard is, to this day the sweetest, most innocent guy I've ever met. He was a sweetheart. Richard is Guyanese, maybe 5'5 at the time and looked like he was maybe 12. Not suprisingly, he had never been to a strip club before, I had. Despite Ontario's 19 drinking age (and my being 17 at the time), I had gained extensive experience in both bars and peeler joints over the previous two years. So I decided that Richard needed to see naked women gyrate on a pole. Richard, while ecstatic at the propositon had some reservations.
"But, but....I look young. What if I don't get in?"
"You'll get in, Rich, don't worry. The secret is to walk in like you belong there. If you look nervous, you're fucked. Just follow me." This was easy for me to say, you couldn't see my face to tell how old I was for all the hair.
"Okay."
So we go.....and walk right past the bouncer. I was impressed. Even I wasn't sure I could Richard into a peeler, he did look like he was 12 after all. It was then that I understood the power of my own understanding of "bouncer psychology".
I had decided that since Richard had never been to a strip club before, he needed the FULL experience. So I seated us at "pervert's row". Pervert's Row, as some of you will know, are the stools set up at the bottom of the stage with a small lip that protrudes, upon which you can rest your drink and ashtray. For all intents and purposes, if you're in Pervert's Row you ARE onstage. Thankfully, it was a Tuesday night and quiet enough to get a seat on Perverts Row.
Another benefit of it being a Tuesday night is that it was the "Raincoat Crowd" in attendance. The Raincoat Crowd are the lonely, middle-aged business men who hope for a serruptitious handjob and not mess up their suits. A Friday or Saturday night crowd is famously obnoxious and puts the strippers on the defensive. Plus they would've scared Richard. I patted my own back for Richard's wisdom in having his birthday on a Tuesday that year. Go me! Things were coming together.
It turned out that we came in just before the "Feature Entertainer" of the week, one Farah Fox, Miss Nude Philidelphia. There is a decided difference between most house strippers and features. House strippers will wander around and do a "snatch flash" every couple of minutes. Features are all about audience participation. Farah Fox went the extra mile. As a matter of fact, there was one member of the audience she seemed downright fascinated with. Who might that be, you ask? The 12-year-old-looking-Guyanese kid. Richard. This was going to be good.
Miss Fox came out in a nurse's outfit, which is standard. Little did I know the dark possibilities that could come of it and their consequences on Richard's heretofore unspoiled innocence. Then her top came off. It turned out that she liked Richard. A lot. Farah got on her knees on the stage and, resting her elbows on the lip if the stage, took Richard's beer between her breasts.....and fed him some. Richard nearly choked on the beer.
Then Nurse Fox's skirt came off. She wasn't wearing panties. The immodesty! Farah stood on stage wearing nothing but a stethascope. Well, she wasn't standing long. She was soon sitting on the lip of the stage in front of Richard. The earpieces of the stethascope went into Richard's ears and she procedeed to ensure that Richard knew that she was "healthy", albeit in an area that a stethascope isn't usually used to determine. Richard looked like his eyes were about to pop out of his fucking head.
The lovely Miss Fox proceeded to prance about some more then returned to Richard. She returned to our area of the stage and sat in front of Richard, legs akimbo. Then she took Richard's cigarette and smoked it.....with an orfice not commonly associated with tobacco use. And then she blew rings!. Smoke Rings! It was the most unbelievable thing I've ever seen!
Up until this point I had been laughing. Mostly at Richard's facial expressions. But once I saw those rings, I lost all control. I was chuckling at first but then I looked around at the Raincoat Crowd.....and they were turned on! By a woman smoking a cigarette with her snatch! And blowing rings! Now, I was hysterical You couldn't hear the music in the club (The Bermuda Triangle in Toronto, now sadly dufunct) for my laughing.
I should explain this. During the whole "smoke gets in your eyes" bit, all I could picture was this woman having this idea, "Hey, I know what I'll do....I'll smoke a cigarette with my pussy! Then I'll blow rings!!! I was amazed by the originality of this thought. Then I thought "This can't be a talent that comes naturally. This must take rehearsal." Then I pictured this beautiful woman in a room (presumably alone), in front of a mirror (presumably)....rehearsing this. Getting it perfect. Getting it ready for the public. And the more I thought about it, the more hysterical my laughter became.
I was afraid that I was going to get us thrown out. That's how loud my laughter was.
After her show, Miss Fox left the stage and cleaned up. Then she went out onto the floor and sat with me and Rich. Rich was still awestuck and couldn't speak much. Farah seemed intrigued by my reaction to her act. I told her what I just told you in the above paragraph. She just looked at me, smiled and said "I like your sense of humour."
That was almost 17 years ago and I'll never forget it. But I still have one question.
I presume that Farah Fox has since retired and if she quit smoking......where did she put the patch?
Currently Reading: "The Years of Lyndon Johnson: Master of the Senate"-Robert A. Caro
Number of Times I Masturbated Today: 1 ( I slept late, I had to play with my nephew and I had a lot to write. Now I'm drinking. But I'll wank before midnight, promise!)
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THE GIRLS OF PORN
My hand gets tired and my dick gets sore
But the girls of porn want more
So I flip through the pages one more time
And I just let the jism fly
-"The Girls of Porn"
Mr. Bungle, 1991
It appears that my recent posts as "Policy Lad" have bored the shit out of everybody but Greeny (You're a good boy, Green). So, in keeping with my long standing policy of giving the people what the want while sharing entirely too much, I've decided to write about the most successful, longest standing relationship in my life. My relationship with pornography.
I can't say enough about pornography. Its always been there for me and for that, I'll always be grateful to those good folks...no, secular saints of the San Fernando valley.
My relationship with pornography began as an awkward, ugly, socially inadequate boy and has continued into my years as an awkward, ugly, socially inadequate old man. Whenever I needed somplace to turn and a free hand, porn was there for me.
I know that several of you are probably asking questions like, "Well, MJ, what about a healthy long term relationship with a woman? You seem smart and funny and, you know, looks don't really matter." I would respond as follows; on point one: you're wrong. On point two: True, but so what? If women want to laugh, they have male friends they don't fuck for that. Guys like...me. On point three: you're either, lying, stupid or so blind to my repulsiveness that your opinion doesn't qualify. And I only get uglier on the inside, too. Mostly, this is my on fault. I always was told (all right, I was told by Playboy's playmate centerfold profile) that beautiful women always wanted a man "with personality." Well, you could've been a little more specific and said you were looking for a man with a good personality! Christ, Charles Manson was FULL of personality and look at the trim he got. Lots and lots of it! Memo to Broads: Don't be so fucking vauge, ok? Thanks.
Thats not to say that I didn't have relationships. I did. I just wasn't that good at maintaining them. Between the ages of 15 and 28, my relationships lasted anywhere between one night and six months. Then I had a five year relationship that I'll cherish forever with a woman in California. The lesson I learned from this relationship is that I'm not so bad...if taken in small doses, kinda like morphine, any more than twice a year and THEN the trouble starts. So, if you're a single, beautiful woman between the ages of 18 and 50 and you live in Jakarta, Indonesia...e-mail me at skippystalin@yahoo.com, I might be your guy. Plus, I hold semi-cool citizenship in a country with very loose immigration standards.
So, I had relationships. But there were dry patches both between and during them. Where does a lonely, backed up, awkward, ugly, socially inadequite boy/old man turn? You guessed it, porn! Over the years, I became quite the conniseuer, too. I own tons of the stuff. Magazines, videos, dirty e-mails, you name it ( I experimented with porn on DVD but it just didn't feel dirty enough. I need my porn to be big, clunky and obvious. God bless you, VHS).
As a conniseuer, I feel a certain social...no, messianic, responsibilty to name for you the top ten porn stars.Besides, a female friend of mine asked me during a phone call who my favourites were a couple of weeks ago and I was at a loss. Granted, these are in no particular order and all strictly my opinion.
They are as follows....
- Rebecca Lord is a beautiful brunette with long, silky hair and the most beautiful eyes on the planet. All-natural-implant-free body that just can't be beat. Plus she gives those "look Ma, no hands" deep-throat blowjobs that every man dies for. And she's French. As much as I loathe the French, I know from personal experience that they sound fantastic getting fucked (If you cared enough to track me down and are reading this, thanks Clara).
-Kobe Tai is an American of Asian (one would guess Thai) extraction. Super cute face and magnificent oral skills. Miss Tai also isn't so snooty that she would say no to anal, you know, if the plot demands it. Another plus is that she's 4'11"...a spinner! On the minus side, bad implants. Over the muscle with obvious scarring along the botom of each breast.
-Rebecca Wild has the most obnoxiously big implants imaginable. Almost disturbingly big, with painful, half-moon scarring around the bottom of each nipple. The tits are even more offset by her thin (yet still beautiful body). Rebecca, though, looks like someone I used to know and really wanted to fuck (and I suspect would've fucked me if she wasn't engaged. Okay, that not true, she told me she wanted to fuck me but I was stoned and stupid). That alone puts her on the list. I'm funny that way, I guess.
-Jeanna Fine has the filthiest mouth in the business. The woman will say the most ridiculous things while getting plowed that I learned that, why yes, you can laugh while masturbating. Plus her eyes tear up while she deep throats and nothing, NOTHING is sexier than that.
- Sylvia Saint is czech and formerly a big star of the European porn set. I've always found Euro-Porn disturbing. Everything ends up being a gang bang. Memo to Euro-Porn producers: If I wanted to see that much cock, I'd be buying gay porn! Sylvia Saint is perhaps the single most beautiful woman ever in porn.
-Juli Ashton has the single most impressive implants I've ever seen by which I mean that I didn't know they were implants until she announced it on television (Ashton co-hosts "Night Calls on Playboy TV). She also used to be an elementary school teacher whose most famous quote is " I don't know, I just always wanted to get fucked in the ass with a lot of people watching." Now, if you have a better fantasy than fucking your hot third grade teacher in the ass while the class watches, I'd like to hear it. That doesn't make me...kinky, does it?
-Vanessa Chase isn't a big star and never got a major contract but has that tiny, cute itallian girl look that kills me. All natural body. And this girl will do anything! Including analingus! Beat that! If your partner won't do that, I suggest you find one who will. Ask on the first date if neccessary. Okay, now I think I'm sharing too much. Sorry.
- Stacey Valentine Beautiful face, acceptable implants given her body type and looks like she's actually having fun. She seems to prefer anal. I can't say enough about that. There was a documentary about her called "The Girl Next Door", which she looks like. 'Nuff said.
- Bettina is a black girl from the Netherlands. Beat that for exotic! Plus she's stunningly beautiful, all natural. Drawback; she's exclusive to Europe (see Saint, Sylvia). But she's just way too pretty to leave off of the list.
- Pamela Anderson is well, Pamela Anderson. I learned many things from her tape, such as A) She looks better without make-up than with, which is rare. B) I love it when horrible things happen to pretty people and C) I don't have the self-esteem to ever date someone who was once with Tommy Lee. I could never satisfy her.
There, I didn't mention politics or anything at all intellectual once. In an odd way, I'm almost proud of myself. Let the bitching begin.
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Friday, September 12, 2003
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MAYBE WHAT YOU AMERICANS KEEP TELLING ME ABOUT YOUR SCHOOLS ISN'T THAT FAR OFF...
As you may have noticed about me, I'm not one to underestimate the stupidity of other people. This is largely because people whose opinions I otherwise respect think that I'm bright...and if they can be wrong about that, who knows what the fuck else is going through their heads. So I always assume my interlocutors may be idiots who just hide it really well.
And then came this story. A guy walks into a Food Lion in North Carolina and picks up $150.00 of groceries and pays the cashier....with a $200.00 bill. What's wrong with this picture you ask?
-The president on the face of the bill is George W. Bush. No incumbent or even living president has ever been minted on currency. Certainly not one with a 52% approval rating.
- The signatures on the bill are Ronald Reagan's and George H. W Bush's
- The serial number of the bill is "DUBYA4U2001"
- There's not only a presidential seal but an NRA slogan on either side of the president's portrait.
- On the reverse there's a portrait of the White House lawn littered with signs that read, "We Like Broccoli", "No More Scandals", "We Like Ice Cream" and "USA Deserves A Tax Cut".
-There's no such thing as a $200.00 bill.
But the cashier did the rational, reasonable thing. She gave the customer $50.00 change and wished him a good day.
Currently Reading: "The Years of Lyndon Johnson: Master of the Senate" - Robert A. Caro
Number of Times I Masturbated Today: 3 (Subject to revision. it's still early yet)
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ALL WE ARE SAYING/IS GIVE PEACE A....OH, FUCK IT!
I was parusing the Jersusalem Post this morning and found this editorial. As you read it (and assuming the link skips the log-in requirement), remind yourself that the Post is one of Israel's more moderate newspapers.
"The world will not help us; we must help ourselves. We must kill as many of the Hamas and Islamic Jihad leaders as possible, as quickly possible, while minimizing collateral damage, but not letting that damage stop us. And we must kill Yasser Arafat, because the world leaves us no alternative."
Wow! I mean, fucking wow! I've read several papers a day for years and I have yet to see an editorial that uses the phrase "we must kill" twice in the opening paragraph.
Not that I neccessarily disagree. Hamas and Islamic Jihad are terrorist swine who wholly deserve whatever comes of Israel's policy of "targeted assassination." This position is no different than the one the United States is taking in both Afghanistan and Iraq. For the Americans to oppose this is the height of hypocracy. No serious person believes that Osama bin Laden will ever survive to see the inside of a lower Manhattan courtroom. Why should the leaders of Hamas?
Arafat is a different issue. As much as I physically crave his death, to assassinate him causes far more problems than it solves. Should the State of Israel liquidate Arafat, the outrage in both Egypt and Jordan would demand a severing of relations with Israel, if not outright war. The governments in Cairo and Amman could easily be toppled assuring a wider war. The reaction of the European Community is uncertain. Both France and Germany, with huge Muslim populations, could sever relations with Israel or face rioting in Paris and Berlin. Very few, if any, countries could diplomatically support such a move.
"No one seriously argues with the fact that Arafat was preventing Mahmoud Abbas, the prime minister he appointed, from combating terrorism, to the extent that was willing to do so. Almost no one seriously disputes that Abbas on whom Israel, the US, and Europe had placed all their bets failed primarily because Arafat retained control of much of the security apparatus, and that Arafat wanted him to fail.
The new prime minister, Ahmed Qurei, clearly will fare no better, since he, if anything, has been trying to garner more power for Arafat, not less.
True enough, as far as it goes.
"Under these circumstances, the idea of exiling Arafat is gaining currency, but the standard objection is that he will be as much or more of a problem when free to travel the world than he is locked up in Ramallah."
Also, true. If anything, Arafat was more of a menace when living in exile in Beirut and Tunis. Exiling Arafat lifts any constraints that he's currently operating under. But killing Arafat lifts any consraints that some 2 million Palestinans are currently operating under. Isreal is currently fighting a police action against terrorist incidents. Killing Arafat would mean fighting a war against the Palestinan people.
"If only three countries Britain, France, and Germany joined the US in a total boycott of Arafat this would not be the case. If these countries did not speak with Arafat, it would not matter much who did, and however much a local Palestinian leader would claim to consult with Arafat, his power would be gone.
But such a boycott will not happen. Only now, after more than 800 Israelis have died in three years of suicide bombings and other terrorist attacks, has Europe finally decided that Hamas is a terrorist organization. How much longer will it take before it cuts off Arafat? Yet Israel cannot accept a situation in which Arafat blocks any Palestinian break with terrorism, whether from here or in exile. Therefore, we are at another point in our history at which the diplomatic risks of defending ourselves are exceeded by the risks of not doing so."
This is also true, but an assassination of Arafat will not enhance Israel's security or its diplomatic position. It would assuredly worsen both.
"Such was the case in the Six Day War, when Israel was forced to launch a preemptive attack or accept destruction. And when Menachem Begin decided to bomb the Iraqi nuclear reactor in 1981. And when Israel launched Operation Defensive Shield in Palestinian cities after the Passover Massacre of 2002.
In each case, Israel tried every fashion of restraint, every plea to the international community to take action that would avoid the need for "extreme" measures, all to no avail.
When the breaking point arrives, there is no point in taking half-measures. If we are going to be condemned in any case, we might as well do it right."
A distinction with a significant difference.The Six Day War and the strike on Osirak were responses to direct threats to the existance of Israel. The current situation, while horrible and intolerable, is not. A general war in the Middle East that would involve Egypt, Jordan, Syria and quite possibly Saudi Arabia and Iran would threaten the existance of Israel;and given that this war would result entirely from its own actions, Israel would lack the international, and possibly even American, support it could rely on in the past.
"Arafat's death at Israel's hands would not radicalize Arab opposition to Israel; just the opposite. The current jihad against us is being fueled by the perception that Israel is blocked from taking decisive action to defend itself."
This statement is too insane to comment on.
"Arafat's survival and power are a test of the proposition that it is possible to pursue a cause through terror and not have that cause rejected by the international community. Killing Arafat, more than any other act, would demonstrate that the tool of terror is unacceptable, even against Israel, even in the name of a Palestinian state.
Arafat does not just stand for terror, he stands for the refusal to make peace with Israel under any circumstances and within any borders."
Which is true, so far as it goes. That Arafat is swine is beyond dispute. Killing him would send a signal. But is it a signal to fight a war over?
"In this respect, there is no distinction, beyond the tactical, between him and Hamas."
Nonsense and the Israelis know it. It was, after all, the Mossad gave Hamas tactical support to in the early 1980's as a means of destabiling the PLO. They succeeded enough to drive Arafat to the negotiation table but as a means of his personal survival, Arafat had to co-exist at some level with Hamas. Just as the United States was instrumental in the creation of Al-Queda in Afghanistan, Isreal was instrumental in the creation of Hamas. The early 80's were a bad time for democracies breeding terrorists.
". Europe's refusal to utterly reject him condemns Palestinians, no less than Israelis, to endless war and dooms the possibility of the two-state solution the world claims to seek."
Also true, fuck Europe! They're irrelevant. Just ask Donald Rumsfeld. Okay, bad example.
"While the prospect of a Palestinian power vacuum is feared by some, the worst of all worlds is what exists now: Terrorists attack Israel at will under the umbrella of legitimacy provided by Arafat. Hamas would not be able to fill a post-Arafat vacuum; on the contrary, Hamas would lose the cover it has today."
Also nonsense. Terrorists don't need cover. They operated freely in Afghanistan, Algeria and Sudan for years. They would only lose "their cover" under a full-scale re-occupation of the West Bank and Gaza. Which would lead to an accerlation of the Intifada and potentially war. The Palestinans are seeing how guerrilla operations are working in Iraq against U.S forces. They would operate equally well against the IDF. Suicide bombings every three weeks are tragic. Hamas and Islamic Jihad have the capability, between them, to carry them out every day.
"A word must be said here about the most common claim made by those who would not isolate Arafat, let alone kill him: that he is the elected leader of the Palestinian people. Even if Arafat was chosen in a truly free election (when does his term end?), which we would dispute, this does not close the question of his legitimacy."
This is irrelevant. Arafat's legitimacy is to be decided by the Palestinian people (who overwhelmingly support him) and the international community (which recognizes his election.In this case the perception is the reality. The sad fact is that everyone Israel is or has been forced to negotiate with wasn't placed in power through a modern democratic process. They were either installed through military coups or are monarchies established by Britain or France in 1919-21. Although questions have been raised about Arafat's margin of victory in a corrupt campaign, no one questions that victory or even whether it would happen in a "fair" election.
"Whom the Palestinians choose to lead them is none of our business, provided it is a free choice, and provided they do not opt for leaders who choose terror and aggression. So long as the Palestinians choose such a leadership, it should be held no more immune to counterattack by Israel than the Taliban and Saddam Hussein were by the United States."
True, but the consequences are very different. Just because you can do something doesn't make it wise. The United States is now learning this in Badhdad.
"We complain that a double standard is applied to us, and it is. But we cannot complain when we apply that double standard to ourselves. Arafat's survival, under our watchful eyes, is living testimony to our tolerance of that double standard. If we want another standard to be applied, we must begin by applying it ourselves."
This cannot be argued. A double standard is being applied to Israel and has been for decades. In the last three years, Israel has done nothing that no other country wouldn't have in similar circumstances. For the European Union, whose members include some of history's most brutal occupiers, to chastise democratic Israel would be laughable were it not obscene.
None of this changes the fact that an assissination of Yassir Arafat will lead to a regional war in a matter of weeks. In a best case scenario, terrorism would increase, not decrease in the re-occupied territories and Israel proper. And this the best case scenario.The worst case scenario is total war in the Middle East. Whether Arafat is a moderating influence on terror is now debateable. It wouldn't be after his death at Israeli hands.
Okay, honestly....I'll get back to dick jokes soon, I PROMISE!
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I GET MAIL (PART TWO)
As the lovely and talented Kilgore Trout is the only person who e-mails or comments, you're going to be hearing a lot from him. Maybe I'll just merge his site with mine. Anyway, here we go.
Hello MJ,
Bang-up job you're doing dissecting an the electoral process happening here in the land of fruity plains and purple mountin' majesties. As an American, I'm proud to say that I'm not quite sure whether we hold elections in odd or even years. I just know that when the Summer Olympics come around it's time to register to vote.
I was wondering if you had seen this article about safe injection havens for junkies in Vancouver, a lifesaving idea that makes too much sense to ever catch on with U.S. federal drug officials. (The article is free, by the way; you just have to watch a short commercial before you get to read it.)
So score another point for Canada, which now appears to be leading the world in common sense production -- gay marriage, rational drug policies, the ability to resist conquering weak countries for reasons of political expediency, and money with beavers and ducks on it.
I've been trying to implement your bright idea to try masturbating with someone else's finger in my butt. None of my friends or coworkers want to participate, however, even when I offer to pay for latex gloves and buy them lunch afterwards. And all the hookers charge extra "for that kinky-ass shit." Any suggestions?
Regards,
Kilgore Trout
Minister of Propaganda, Chaotic Not Random
Kilgore,
Thank you again for your kind words and continued support. My interest in American politics, as you may know, grew out of the lack of hope that I'd ever have actual, regular sex. This Great Fear first consumed me in my early teens and didn't subside until my late twenties. I suppose I felt that if I was more like H.R (Bob) Haldeman, I'd get all the poontang. As with most things, I was wrong.
In addressing the Salon.com article about safe-injection sites, I'd like to start off by saying that that the "War on Drugs" is the most ridiculous public policy initiative imaginable. There is no firm intellectual basis and only a slim moral one for it. Any policy predicated on stopping people from doing things to their own bodies is doomed to failure. On this point, I should tell you that suicide was removed from the Criminal Code of Canada in 1962. Therefore, under Canadian law you can fail a suicide attempt with a knife or (registered) shotgun without legal consequence. However, should you attempt and fail a suicide attempt with a syringe, you potentially face upwards of 7 years in Federal prison under the Narcotics Control Act.
As good of an idea as I believe safe-injection sites to be, the ramifications of them on U.S-Canada relations could be potentially enourmous. Should Canada lose its "Drug War" certification from the American government, any number of border controls and sanctions would be implimented that could have unknown effects on the NAFTA (1993) and U.S/Canada Free Trade Agreements (1989). Added on top of the recent same-sex marriage decision a Canada's incomprehensible stand on the war with Iraq and our pending decriminilisation of marijunna (Note to Tommy Chong: You're a Canadian citizen, you can sell bongs here legally, douchebag), U.S/Canadian relations are now at the lowest point imaginable.
So, as much of a social libertarian as I am, there are far reaching economic and foriegn policy considerations that must be taken into account. Canada is a "progressive" society, true. But the pace of that progress should be tempered with other realities. Canada is rapidly replacing Mexico as the primary point of entry for illeagal drugs into the United States, and as much I wish that ALL drug laws were abolished tomorrow, I recognize that it won't happen that way. In fact, it's likely that Canada's recent policy about-faces may lead the U.S to redouble some of its more absurd positions. You may note that a consitutional ammendment banning gay marriage (which will never,ever,ever pass the required 36 state legislatures) was inconceivable before the Ontario Court of Appeal's ruling on that issue.
Canadians deeply resent the reliance we have on the United States but often fail to consider the ramifications that our social policies could have on a relationship that the nation cannot long survive without.
That was me being Policy Lad. You can understand why it never gets me laid, right? Not that I do much better with dick jokes, but dick jokes are more fun.
On to your lonely rectum. All I can say is, keep looking! Once you find that special someone you'll be glad you did. Never let her go for, verily, a woman who'll help you out in that way is nothing short of a keeper. Best of luck in your Homer-esqe search.
You're Welcome,
MJS
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