Saturday, January 31, 2004 "DOROTHY, WE'RE NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE......WAITAMINUTE, YOU'RE NOT DOROTHY! YOU'RE NOT EVEN A GIRL" Here's your Saturday sports update. Heterosexual pederasty, 1 - Homosexual pederasty, 0. The Ref has called a 17 year time out. 12:49 PM NO MONEY, MO' PROBLEMS The great P.J O'Rourke once decribed the American system of government as consisting of three branches, bullshit, money and television. While this may or may not be true of the government, it is most assuredly true of American political campaigns and particularly the primaries. The question I'm most often asked after, "How can you satisfy a woman with such a miniscule penis?" is, "How is it that places like Iowa and New Hampshire are so instrumental in choosing the Leader of the Free World?" This is a kind of complicated situation and requires some historical backround to properly explain. Prior to 1950, primaries existed in about 13 states but were routinely ignored by party bosses. The prevailing party machines controlled the delagates to conventions and would gather in a hotel room somewhere and decide amoungst themselves who the standard bearer would be for the campaign. This is where the phrase, "smoke-filled back room" came from. It actually worked pretty well. All one needs to do to test this theory is to look at the presidents who came from the system. Lincoln, Clevland, both Roosevelts and Truman. By 1952, the populist movement - which oddly enough started within the Republican party - had gained sufficent strength to influence the nominating process. The populists decided that the party machines were circumventing democracy by limiting the choice of the people to maintain their own power. The first candidate to fully utilize the primary system was General Dwight Eisenhower. The conservative party bosses supported Senator Robert Taft of Ohio, having decided that losing 5 straight elections to the Democrats was fun. A popular "Draft Eisenhower"movement was established and set up a write in campaign for the, until then irrelevant, New Hampshire primary. It is noteworthy that Eisenhower as NATO Supreme Commander in Paris hadn't even committed to run. When Eisenhower soundly beat Taft without even being on the ballot, the party took notice and the modern primary system was born. The Democrats came to the party in 1960, when the party establishment was divided between Governor Adali Stevenson and Senate Majority Leader, Lyndon Johnson. The insurgent campaign of Senator John F. Kennedy took on a momentemum with victories in Wisconsin and West Virginia that it never lost and Kennedy won the nomination on the first ballot. The Iowa caucuses, which are too bizarre to describe here, were established in 1972 and became important in 1976 when an obscure, former one-term Georgia governor, Jimmy Carter won a suprise victory over 153 establishment Washington powerhouses. This is a very abbreviated history of the primary system. I could get far more detailed, but I'm cognizant of the fact that I've probably bored the shit out of 98% of you already. Fear not, I'll get back to the beastiality stories and tales of gay porn producing, Japanese baseball players you've all come to expect and love shortly. That explains how Iowa and New Hampshire became important. Now I'll get to why they remain important. These states are very small and no one lives there. Accordingly, all one needs is ten bucks and a dream of "I'ma gone be parsdent" and can, in theory, succeed. As no one actually lives in these states, media is very cheap in these places. Advertising rates are determined by the number of viewers or readers the ad can be expected to reach. Since fewer people live in the state of New Hampshire than live in New York City, media rates are far less expensive. Carter demonstrated how a poorly financed yet tightly disciplined team can beat more financially flush and recognizable candidates. A win or a better than expected showing in either (or both) of these states would bring in a flood of campaign contributions, which combined with the system of federal matching money, established in 1976, could allow a heretofore obscure candidate to compete and win in states with much larger (and expensive) media markets like New York and California. The system worked pretty well. Outsider campaigns actually had a shot at winning. Barry Goldwater, whom the Republican establishment actively loathed, actually won the 1964 nomination. Eugene McCarthy and Gary Hart actually came reasonably close to being outsider nominees in 1968 and 1984. Ronald Reagan very nearly took the nomination from a sitting president, Gerald Ford, in 1976. Primaries became interesting. And, as is true with most good things, it was not to last. The parties decided to fuck it up. As more and more states established primaries, they became marathon campaigns. To use the tortise and the hare analogy, these campaigns were long hauls in which the little guy could prevail. In the first modern campaign, 1960, the New Hampshire primary was in early February and the last one, California, was held in late June, just before the conventions. Since then, the parties have moved the primaries closer and closer together. This year the Iowa caucuses were held on January 19 and the final big primaries, New York, Texas and California will be held on March 2 and the nominee will be decided. A system that was spread out over 5 months is now compressed into five weeks. The result of this is that an outsider has to have a fucking boatload of money up front or he's doomed. This is how Howard Dean gained prominence. Dean managed to blow a record 41 million dollars on two very small states. And he lost. Badly. Because of the shortened calander, an unexpected win doesn't even produce a financial bounce anymore. John Kerry, who came back from the dead to win in both Iowa and New Hampshire, will soon be reduced to selling his own blood to finance his campaign past next week. You see, Kerry was so desperate a month ago that he opted out of matching money, along with Dean and Bush, so that he could mortage his home and loan his campaign the $6.5 million. With the short calander, Kerry won't raise any significant money until he has the nomination secured. Then he faces the president's expected $200 million war chest. Well, the system was fun while it lasted. I'm going to miss it. 10:15 AM Friday, January 30, 2004 TAKING ONE FOR THE TEAM You've gotta have a certain amount of sympathy for Kazuhito Tadano , a baseball play for the Cleveland Indians farm team. Seriously, baseball as about as gay as team sports can get - and all team sports are gay to a certain extent, Maybe not as gay as football with it's ever present dancing and ass-patting, but still pretty gay. So one baseball player is discovered to have a made gay porno and the jocks get their panties in a knot. What the fuck is that about? And Tadano even had a reasonable excuse. "I did participate in a video and I regret it very much," he said. "It was a one-time incident that showed bad judgment and will never be repeated. I was young, playing baseball, and going to college and my teammates and I needed money. In short, he took one for the team. Okay, he's a little coy about where he took one, but, to quote Tenacious D, "THAT'S fucking teamwork!" I'm all about going that extra mile. I think all of my personal friends and even employers will testify to that, but I think that I'd draw the line at getting fucked in the ass. Well, unless I'm REALLY drunk and DEEPLY in love. There, a couple of you broads can now keep your comments to yourselves.... "All of us have made mistakes in our lives," Tadano said, reading a statement in English. "Hopefully, you learn from them and move on." I agree whole-heartedly. Although I would question precisely what you learn from making gay porn, other than the need to be gentle during anal with your girlfriend. I've never actually seen gay porn, but I can't imagine that there's a quiz at the end. On the other hand, there might be one of those NBC "Now You Know" trailer-type things at the end. It's hard to say. Through an interpreter, Tadano added: "I'm not gay. I'd like to clear that fact up right now." One could resonably assume that that would depend on whether he was "pitching or catching", now wouldn't it? Christ, I'm punny. I wonder if a guy who's been videotaped performing homosexual acts vigourously defending their love of broads is as funny in Japanese as it is in English. Twice in the minor leagues last season, Tadano stood before his teammates and confessed to his participation in the video, which Nero said can only be obtained on the black market in Japan. Twice? I should think that once would suffice. Maybe the switch hitters couldn't get it through his head that he really IS straight. Tadano received overwhelming support from players at Kinston, N.C., where he started the season, and later at Akron, the Indians' Double-A affiliate. I'd be supportive, too. Especially since about half of Major League Baseball is under indictment for drug violations at any given time. It's my understanding that sodomy is rather popular in prison. I'd want to buddy up to a guy who's "been there" myself if I was inevitably facing that fate. If he pitches well during spring training, Tadano could win a spot in Cleveland's bullpen. Whenever he joins the Indians, pitcher C.C. Sabathia says Tadano will be welcomed. "This is the right team and the right organization for him," Sabathia said. "We have good guys here. Everybody has done something that they regret in their lives. He's a person just like everyone else." Under these circumstances, I'd be concerned about what the phrase, "We have good guys here" means. Tadano tried out for several major league teams last spring in Arizona. Coming off an elbow injury, he didn't get any offers. Nero said some teams were turned off by what he called "the scandal." "He didn't pitch well enough for them to ignore it," Nero said. "I also think they were afraid of the baggage that would come with it." Not the Indians. They liked Tadano enough to invite him to work out at their spring training facility in Winter Haven, Fla. Eventually, they signed him to a minor league contract that included a $67,500 bonus. Nothing says, "You have a real purty mouth" quite like five figures. Several happy marriages are built on that. Tadano knows he may face fan abuse in major league parks such as Yankee Stadium, where heckling the visitors is part of the pageantry. He joked that he's ready for it. "I don't understand English, so it doesn't really matter," he said. Who knows, maybe, "Homo" screamed really loud means "great fucking throw you maiden pillaging beast!" in Japanese. 7:17 PM Thursday, January 29, 2004 ALL THIS AND BRAINS, TOO Over the course of the last couple of days, I've written somewhat extensively on the rise and coming fall of Senator John Kerry. Not being particularly good at re-reading my posts (as evidenced by my spelling and grammar), I can't recall exactly how many times I've said that Kerry's record will come to haunt him but I'm pretty sure said it at least once. Well, last night the lovely and talented 0phelia (who is far more attractive and a much better writer than I) left this comment re: my dissertation of Kerry's "victory" speech. "You know, the polls here in Michigan show that Kerry is winning by a good margin. I think that since bush is such a fucktard, and everyone seems to be realizing it- aside from the moronic, flag-waving hicks- Kerry COULD take him. I mean hell, Bush lost the military vote, minorities LOATHE him... Kerry has a chance. I think. Ophelia | 01.29.04 - 1:36 am | " I responded thusly, "Michigan is but one state and a state where Bush doesn't stand much of a realistic chance anyway, Ophe. Besides, Democrats NEVER carry the military vote since the first thing they do when they win is cut the Pentagon budget so they can fund some lesbian needlepoint class in Wyoming. Aside from that, Massachussettes liberals with Kerry's "interesting" record don't have a history or doing well in the south or midwest. You'd be hard pressed to name some states that Gore lost that Kerry can win. In short, he's fucking DOOMED! On the other hand, I was convinced that Dean would win BOTH Iowa and New Hampshire. So I wouldn't listen to me, I'm stupid AND ugly. skippystalin | 01.29.04 - 2:06 am " Less than twelve hours later, my psychic prowess was verified and the first salvo on Kerry's record was launched by Republican National Committee Chairman, Ed Gillespie in this speech. For the two of you who may be interested, the link will take you to the full text. For the rest of you, who don't give a shit at all, here are the good parts. "As a member of the Senate Intelligence Committee, Sen. Kerry shared the assessment of the threat posed by Saddam Hussein. He voted for the use of force in Iraq, then later tried to say it was a vote to "threaten" the use of force, and then ultimately declared himself an "anti-war candidate." "In 1972,when John Kerry first campaigned for Congress,he made a commitment to vote against military appropriations.After he was elected,he went one step further,actively introducing legislation to reduce funding for defense and intelligence." "In addition to his opposition to defense funding, John Kerry opposed the policies that led to victory in the Cold War. In 1984 he called for a freeze on testing, production and deployment of nuclear warheads, missiles, and other delivery systems. In 1985, he introduced a Comprehensive Nuclear Freeze Bill, and sponsored two amendments to freeze SDI-related nuclear development. In 1991, he acknowledged Saddam Hussein's possession of WMD, but voted against military action in the Gulf War." "In 1993, Sen. Kerry introduced a plan to: -cut the number of Navy submarines and their crews; -reduce the number of light infantry units in the Army down to one; -reduce Air Force tactical fighter wings; -terminate the Navy's coastal mine-hunting ship program; and -force the retirement of no less than 60,000 members of the Armed Forces in one year." "In 1995, Sen. Kerry voted to freeze defense spending for 7 years, cutting over $34 billion from the defense budget." "Sen. John Kerry, twelve days after the terrorist attacks of September 11, said, "And the tragedy is, at the moment, the single most important weapon for the United States of America is intelligence. It's the single most important weapon in this particular war …" This is the same Sen. Kerry who in 1995, two years after the first World Trade Center bombing, voted to cut FBI funding by $80 million. That same year, again, only two years after the first World Trade Center bombing, he unsuccessfully proposed legislation to slash $1.5 billion—over the next 5 years—from our intelligence budget. That's a $300 million cut in intelligence funding in 1995; the year before terrorists attacked the Khobar Towers. That's a $300 million cut in intelligence funding in 1997; the year before terrorists attacked U.S. embassies in East Africa. That's a $300 million cut in intelligence funding in 1999; the year before terrorists attacked the U.S.S. Cole. Twelve days after September 11, after saying that America is weakest in the area of intelligence, he added, 'So it’s going to take us time to be able to build up here to do this properly." Had Sen. Kerry's drastic cuts in intelligence passed, it would be taking us a lot more time to do this properly." Now let's keep in mind that Kerry has been the front runner for a whole 10 days now. There's still a whole 9 months to go. And the Republicans haven't even touched the Senator's ridiculous position on gay marriage yet. And this election is only go be about two things: national security and gay marriage. Just watch. And remember, you heard it here first. 6:26 PM SWEDEN, HOME OF THE....HORNY There are some news stories that are just to perfect to pass by. It's alarming how many of these originate from Scandanavia, too. It would appear that Scandanavia is to sexual deviance what Germany is to genocidal mayhem. See, you can sterotype people by their national origin. Sure, a bunch of busybody lefties will tell you that you can't but they actually mean to say that you shouldn't. Liberals are as bad with language as they are with political ideas. Which brings me to Sweden. I've long wondered what would happen in to average person's sex drive if they lived in a place where everyone looks the same. Does it intensify due to the inherent narcissism of the human condition? Does it diminish due to internalized feelings of self-loathing? Or does it deviate into something proper people would never acknowledge in a polite society? If you picked door number three then we have a winner! This story is wrong on so many different levels that it can't help but feel right. It's also chock full of neat facts that I didn't know before. I'm willing to bet you didn't either. Let's go through them point by point, shall we? - "Animal sex is not illegal in Sweden, and every year between 200 and 300 pets are injured because of sexual assaults." Wow. Sweden doesn't have that large a population but it appears that a large percentage of it is quite litterally "fucking the pooch." Either that or there's one really horny guy with a LOT of pets. And I always figured that raping your pet was something we could all agree was wrong. I'm a uniter not a divider that way. But I was wrong. Sweden feels that canine carnal knowledge is a-ok. -"'We have seen an increase since 1999 when child pornography became illegal", said Johan Beck-Friis."It appears, in other words, as there are some people who have replaced children with animals. In both circumstances, it is sex with defenceless individuals.'" Child pornography only became illegal in 1999? Jesus, Sweden is wrong in ways I hadn't considered before. Wrong, but apparently versitile. I always thought pedophillia was a very specific kink, kinda like cross-dressing but malignantly evil. But desperation is the father of innovation. I love the image of a guy coming to the conclusion that railing a four year old on videotape is wrong and looking for a replacement kink. "Dammit, I can't fuck the kid anymore and I'm horny. I can't bang an adult because pubic hair freightens me.....here, Spot. Come Spot. God BOY!" -"In contrast with most other countries, animal sex is not illegal in Sweden. It was decriminalized in 1944 in connection with the decriminalization of homosexual sex." Again, wow. Let me get this straight; kiddie porn was legal in Sweden but homosexuality wasn't. Although this story does prove Senator Rick Santorum (R-Pennsylvania) wrong. Legitimisizing homosexuality doesn't lead to beastiality, banning child pornography does. 10:49 AM YOU ARE NOT ALONE I feel bad for R.Kelly. He can't even pick up a Grammy without The Man keeping him down. The Man won't even let Kelly kick it "old style" with people with similar interests. That aint right. I'm sure R. was so looking forward to sitting down with Micheal, knocking back some "Jesus juice" and consoling each other over how, even though they're both over 35, sometimes they just feel like a 14 year old and no one can understand that...... 1:49 AM KEEPING IT REAL Howard Dean wants you to know that he's no longer just mentally unhinged. He also now has balls the size of Alpha Centuari. Having dropped 44 points in three weeks in New Hampshire following his "I Have a Scream" speech in Iowa (which oddly enough was given on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day) and having lost by 14 points to Dorian Gray, Dean did what all psychotic losers do. No he didn't murder his wife's family and take the kids on a police chase...yet. He got rid of his campaign manager. Campaign manager Joe Trippi has resigned following his attempted demotion to chief strategist. Trippi is widely renowned in professional political circles for elevating Dean from an obscure former governor of a state where no one lives to a nationally known bellowing lunatic who knows the names of at least 18 states. Dean, who spent 48 million dollars to lose New Hampshire by 14 points - a state that doesn't have 14 residents when the press isn't there - had a difference of stratgey with Trippi. There are 7 primaries next Tuesday, most of them in southern states. The south is not a promising territory for a guy who once changed his religion over a bike path. Trippi argued that the campaign should concentrate on states like Michigan, Washington and Wisconsin, big states with lots of delegates that hold their primaries on February 7. Dean prefers being humilated like a fat kid on his first visit to a dominatrix and lose massively in every state he knows the name of. So Trippi went bye-bye. Dean, who has campaigned with great vigour against "Washington insiders and special interests", has announced that Trippi has been replaced by Roy Neel, Al Gore's former chief of staff and past president of the U.S Telecom Association, a powerful Washington lobby. 12:33 AM Wednesday, January 28, 2004 PAPA'S GOT A BRAND NEW BAG The charge: Domestic violence or, as I like to call it, wife beating. I'm old fashioned that way. Mitigating factor #1: He's the Godfather of Soul Mitigating factor #2:: He feels good. He knew that he would. Mitigating factor #3: They may not even be married. Mitigating factor #4: James Brown is 33 years older than his wife (?) How much damage can reasonably be expected to inflict? Somewhere out there, O.J is laughing his ass off right now. 11:56 PM DAMN WEBCAMS! DAMN THEM ALL TO HELL! I've always known that I'm an ugly man. I've lived and dealt with that fact rather well for nearly 35 years now. But I never really knew just HOW ugly I am. Then, after seen seeing Senator Dorian Gray....I mean John Kerry on TV last night, I decided to conduct an experiment. Most of my friends will tell you that I'm nothing if not a man of science. So here goes. THE EXPERIMENT: This is John Kerry about 2 weeks ago This is me about 2 weeks ago This is John Kerry yesterday This is me about 20 minutes ago CONCLUSION: John Kerry looked like he had had his face literally pried off of Mount Rushmore two weeks ago. Now his age is reversing in such a way that I fully expect him to give his victory speech on Super Tuesday on March 2nd (my 34th birthday)covered in afterbirth. I, on the other hand, looked like shit two weeks ago and looked even worse twenty minutes ago. And you wonder why I like chicks with tattooed faces? 6:29 PM THE GIRL OF MY DREAMS Much has been made of the state of my love life over the last several months. I understand that certain unnamed chat rooms are buzzing about it constantly. I can't really blame anyone for this. I mean, come on, I'm such a hot guy and I'm fascinating to boot. While I won't get into the details, I will confirm one thing. I really, really dig drunk chicks with a big mess of tattoos on their faces. Christ, I'm adorable. 9:18 AM A SMALL VICTORY I love every pundit on the frigging planet suddenly thowing praise at the feet of Senator John F. Kerry. It wasn't three weeks ago that the conventional wisdom was that Kerry would place 23rd in both Iowa and New Hamspshire, right behind Kenny, the child molestor and Eddie, the Trekkie who lives in his aunt's crawlspace. His campaign was so financially bereft that he had to forego federal matching money just so he could mortage his own home and lend himself the proceeds. Everything about Team Kerry smelled of death and humilliation. That changed in Iowa. Kerry, like the current president isn't winning due to his own efforts. He's winning because his opponents are imploding all on their own. In short, Kerry is more lucky than smart. For a very, very long time now, I've used this space to declare that Howard Dean would rise triumphant over the prostrate bodies of the other 963 contenders for the nomination. And for a long time this made perfect sense. Democratic National Committee Chairman Terry McCaullife, in his innate craveness, decided early on to frontload the primaries this year in such a way that it would take about 15 seconds to pick a nominee. Then the party would have 8 months and a zillion dollars to clearly compete with the Republicans. Given the staggering lead Dean maintained through Christmas (he was 30 points ahead of Kerry as of January 1), there was no way he could lose. This was my thinking. I underestimated Governor Dean's determination to lose. I've been a student of big time, nut-cutting politics for 20 years now and I've never, never seen someone blow a 30 point lead. People like me still marvel at the way that Michael Dukakis dropped 24 points over four months in 1988. That was unprecedented. Howard Dean managed to blow 44 points in three weeks. Shit, Micheal Jackson hasn't seen his numbers fall apart like that and no one has accused Dean of improperly touching a drunken 13 year-old cancer patient....yet. So, as much as he would like you to believe otherwise, John Kerry isn't winning as much as Howard Dean is losing. Actually, to say Howard Dean is losing is a massive understatement. Howard Dean has done everything short of going on television dressed as a Vietnamese, buddhist monk and set him himself on fire as his blog buddies cheered his "passion" and "commitment". So here's Kerry's "victory" speech. It's pretty funny when you actually read the words and not get distracted by the Senator's charismatic delivery, which makes Al Gore look like James Brown. I love New Hampshire. I love Iowa too. And I hope to have the opportunity to love a lot of other states in the weeks and months ahead. Yeah, Massachussettes liberals are beloved in places like South Carolina. Have fun there, Johnny. You've won in two of the whitest white places on Earth that aren't Norway and Sweden. Now you get to run against Al Sharpton in a state with a 50% black population which also happens to be next door to where Goober Edwards' took his sister to the prom. Enjoy. Thank you, New Hampshire, for lifting up this campaign and the cause of an America that belongs not to the privileged, not to the few, but to all of our people. Well, all people who aren't Howard Dean, Karl Rove or George Bush. And this victory belongs to all of you who made the phone calls, walked the cold and snowy cold streets, gave your hearts, your hands and countless sleepless nights. You stayed the course here in New Hampshire. And because of you, this has been a successful - and a happy campaign You gave me everything you had except your money, you motherfuckers! So help me Christ, if I win and STILL lose my house, you're all going to Gitmo! Actually, it was a successful and happy campaign because your main competitor was about three days away from wearing a tinfoil hat because the C.I.A was "listening to his brain." And I make you this pledge tonight: I have spent my whole life fighting against powerful interests - and I've only just begun to fight. Actually, you have a long history of fighting against REPUBLICAN interests, not powerful ones. I'm sure your Senate voting record will show a real "profile in courage" (the JFK initials work both ways, Johnny) in standing up to the teachers unions, trial lawyers and some of the more insane environmentalists. I have a message for the influence peddlers, for the polluters, the HMOs, the drug companies, big oil and all the special interests who now call the White House home: We're coming. You're going. And don't let the door hit you on the way out. Yeah, HMOs, drug companies and big oil, make way for the trial layers, teachers and unions! This victory also belongs in a special way to the veterans who marched with us and lifted us up from the lowest points to where we stand tonight. In the hardest moments of the past month, I depended on the same band of brothers I depended on more than thirty years ago. We're a little older, a little grayer, but we still know how to fight for our country. And if I am President, I pledge that those who wore the uniform of the United States of America will have a voice and a champion in the Oval Office. Wait a second! Aren't you running against a General, too? I mean sure, he's an idiot and everything but he's gotta have SOME claim on those who "wore the uniform of the United States of America." Now this campaign goes on to places all over this country. Which will be funny to watch. And I ask Democrats everywhere to join us so we can defeat George W. Bush, end the economy of privilege, and fulfill the ideal of opportunity not just for some, but for all. This is a cute way of saying "do we have to continue having the meaningless primaries? I mean pretty soon we're going to places where I have no hope of winning. While we're at it, can't we just pretend that I'm president now?" I ask you to go to johnkerry.com; enlist with us, march with us across this land, and demand a government that's on your side again. This is a modern, dot com way of saying "give me money. I'm running out of houses to mortage." And together, let us lift our country up to the America it can become. What's that? Boston? A place that only picks a winning presidential candidate by accident? Stand with us - and together we will give America back its future by repealing the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy so we can invest in health care and the education of our children. Running a class warfare, populist campaign is always smart. Ask Al Gore. He has lots of time to tell you about it, not being president and all. Stand with us - and together we will build a prosperity where instead of Americans just working for the economy, the economy is working for Americans. A prosperity where we will reduce the poverty of millions instead of constantly reducing taxes for millionaires. A prosperity where we create jobs here at home - and where we shut down every tax loophole, every benefit and every reward for any Benedict Arnold CEO or company that sends jobs and profits overseas. Wasn't Benedict Arnold from New England? And didn't most off those companies go offshore when a certain someone from "a place called Hope"was president? Stand with us - and together we will give America the fundamental decency of health care as a right and not a privilege. An America where Medicare is protected, health care costs are held down and your family's health is just as important as any politician's in Washington. Stand with us - and every day will be Christmas! Stand with us - and we will give America the security of energy independence, because our sons and daughters should never have to fight and die for Mideast oil. Because if I'm not in the Senate, I can't vote to send them to those wars in the first place! Stand with us - and we will give America back its truth as a country where freedom rings, a country of equal rights and civil liberties where the Attorney General is no longer named John Ashcroft. She'll be named Maxine Waters! Feel better? George Bush, who promised to be a uniter, has become the great divider. We believe in a country where everyone can hope and strive and move ahead - no matter where you come from, who you are or what the color of your skin. We believe in a country where veryone is a Democrat. Voting against me is so divisive. And if you stand with us, we will make America safer by rejoining the community of nations and restoring our true role of leadership in the world. Belgium, America's coming home! George Bush has run the most arrogant, inept, reckless and ideological foreign policy in the modern history of our country. Yeah, and he'll STILL beat you like a fucking drum on the issue. Now George Bush and Karl Rove say that in 2004 they want to run on national security. Because they have this weird view on winning. They seem to like it. Well, I know something about aircraft carriers for real. And if George W. Bush wants to make national security the central issue in this campaign, I have three words for him I know he understands: Bring it on. Don't you worry, John Boy. They will. You have a very interesting voting record in the Senate on that very issue. I'm sure we'll be hearing all about it very soon. As I stand here now, I think of Robert Frost's words: The woods of New Hampshire are "lovely, dark and deep." And they certainly are lovely tonight. And while we still have "miles to go," I want to thank just some of you who shared our journey in this Granite State. Since the Republicans are likely to carry the state in November, I won't be back so I may as well do it now. My amazing wife Teresa Who by the way used to be married to a Republican senator and is a registered voter on Pluto. What the fuck is that shawl thing? Vanessa and Alex, Chris and Andre, my brother Cam, my sisters Diana and Peggy. My national chair and my New Hampshire chair - who didn't sit down for a moment - Jeannie and Billy Shaheen. All of whom were the only 10 people who thought I had a snowballs chance in Hell before Dean had his emotional breakdown last Monday. And only two of them are registered to vote in New Hampshire. Some of the best and most talented leadership any campaign in New Hampshire or anywhere has ever had, Ken Robinson, Judy Reardon, Sue Casey, Nick Clemons, and Theo Yedinsky and all our great staff and dedicated volunteers - here and around the country. You kept on going, you never gave up. It's an honor for me to be on your side. Thank you. You're the best of the 19 campaign staffs that I've had in the last 14 months. I'll remember you all fondly after I fire you in three weeks. Mayor Bob Baines and our New Hampshire leaders and the firefighters who served all that chili and so many others in New Hampshire too numerous to name. Clever not mentioning that you had the firefighters union on your team. My colleagues from Congress and so many others who came to help. My friends Ted Kennedy and Fritz Hollings from South Carolina. Fritz, we'll see you soon. And Ted, I'll be hiding you in a closet for the rest of the year. People outside of New England still have a problem about that little misunderstanding between your car, Mary Jo Kopechne and that bridge. But thanks, you're a mench. And most of all, thank you to the people of New Hampshire who voted today for a new day of hope in America. No one can unite a country quite like the most unrepresentative state in the union. Thank you and God bless you. Gotta run. I need another botox injection before the Michigan primary! Bye! 9:04 AM Tuesday, January 27, 2004 AND WE HAVE A WINNER! I have just learned (thanks to Michelle at "A Small Victory") that there's no point in even having primaries or even an election. Ladies and gentlemen, the next President of the Unites States. No need to thank me, really. 11:00 PM HARVESTERS OF SORROW Okay, so none of the candidates have put their jerk-off speeches on their websites yet. So here are some election results. Christ, I love an election year. January 27th New Hampshire Votes % of Votes Delegates John Kerry 64,015 38% 14 Howard Dean 42,885 26% 8 Wesley Clark 20,958 13% 0 John Edwards 20,099 12% 0 Joe Lieberman 14,692 9% 0 Dennis Kucinich 2,388 1% 0 Al Sharpton 264 0% 0 80% of precincts reporting January 19th Iowa Democrats Votes % of Votes Delegates John Kerry 1,128 38% 20 John Edwards 957 32% 18 Howard Dean 540 18% 7 Dick Gephardt 318 11% 0 Dennis Kucinich 39 1% 0 Uncommitted 15 1% 0 Wesley Clark 3 0% 0 Joe Lieberman 0 0% 0 Carol Moseley Braun 0 0% 0 Al Sharpton 0 0% 0 99% of precincts reporting John Kerry made an especially funny speech which I hope to dissect the second he has the balls to put it up on his website. I hope this this happens before I pass out. Watching a Democratic primary alone, drunk and naked isn't kinky, right? I'm pretty sure it's just pathetic. 10:32 PM WHY CAN'T I BE SUPER FUNNY LIKE JON STEWART? Had Howard Dean done this 3 weeks ago, he'd be in a much better place today. 'I bet this is going to air in Michigan, and Arizona and Oklahoma and New Mexico ... keep it together Howard, it's only a list of states.' AL FRANKEN, KICKING ASS AND TAKING NAMES This is all the evidence that Democrats fight like little girls. If a fifty-something, nebbish, former comedian can beat your ass, your party is DOOMED! I very seriously doubt that Franken would pull that shit at a Republican rally/tractor pull/cross burning in Winston-Salem, South Carolina. 4:20 PM SPEECHIFYING PART THREE We are living in a time of great change -- in our world, in our economy, in science and medicine. Yet some things endure -- courage and compassion, reverence and integrity, respect for differences of faith and race. The values we try to live by never change. And they are instilled in us by fundamental institutions, such as families and schools and religious congregations. These institutions, these unseen pillars of civilization, must remain strong in America, and we will defend them. We must stand with our families to help them raise healthy, responsible children. When it comes to helping children make right choices, there is work for all of us to do. Okay, I get it. Children are good unless they're uneducated, racist atheists. Then they're bad. Government mut raise kids to not be uneducated, racist ot atheist. Presumably before the federal government learns how to do stuff like deliver the mail. One of the worst decisions our children can make is to gamble their lives and futures on drugs. Our government is helping parents confront this problem with aggressive education, treatment, and law enforcement. Drug use in high school has declined by 11 percent over the last two years. Four hundred thousand fewer young people are using illegal drugs than in the year 2001. (Applause.) In my budget, I proposed new funding to continue our aggressive, community-based strategy to reduce demand for illegal drugs. Drug testing in our schools has proven to be an effective part of this effort. So tonight I proposed an additional $23 million for schools that want to use drug testing as a tool to save children's lives. The aim here is not to punish children, but to send them this message: We love you, and we don't want to lose you. (Applause.) "We love you and we don't want to lose you but you sniff glue and we will see to it that you get sodomized in prison. We love you THAT much! No, don't get all mushy, just piss in the cup already." To help children make right choices, they need good examples. Athletics play such an important role in our society, but, unfortunately, some in professional sports are not setting much of an example. The use of performance-enhancing drugs like steroids in baseball, football, and other sports is dangerous, and it sends the wrong message -- that there are shortcuts to accomplishment, and that performance is more important than character. So tonight I call on team owners, union representatives, coaches, and players to take the lead, to send the right signal, to get tough, and to get rid of steroids now. (Applause.) Steroids? Aren't kids learning far worse things from athletes, like it's okay to slaughter your wife and waiter like hogs or that it's acceptable to rape a woman if your rebound average is high enough? Besides, didn't you used to OWN a baseball team? Shouldn't that have been a better bully pulpit? To encourage right choices, we must be willing to confront the dangers young people face -- even when they're difficult to talk about. Each year, about 3 million teenagers contract sexually-transmitted diseases that can harm them, or kill them, or prevent them from ever becoming parents. In my budget, I propose a grassroots campaign to help inform families about these medical risks. We will double federal funding for abstinence programs, so schools can teach this fact of life: Abstinence for young people is the only certain way to avoid sexually-transmitted diseases. (Applause.) And never leaving your basement is the best way to avoid getting hit by a bus. That's not super practical either. Decisions children now make can affect their health and character for the rest of their lives. All of us -- parents and schools and government -- must work together to counter the negative influence of the culture, and to send the right messages to our children. Messages like, "let's spend more money than we have, and the ends justify the means." A strong America must also value the institution of marriage. I believe we should respect individuals as we take a principled stand for one of the most fundamental, enduring institutions of our civilization. Congress has already taken a stand on this issue by passing the Defense of Marriage Act, signed in 1996 by President Clinton. That statute protects marriage under federal law as a union of a man and a woman, and declares that one state may not redefine marriage for other states. I guess no one else saw the irony in Bill Clinton endorsing something with the words "Defense of Marriage" in its title. Activist judges, however, have begun redefining marriage by court order, without regard for the will of the people and their elected representatives. On an issue of such great consequence, the people's voice must be heard. If judges insist on forcing their arbitrary will upon the people, the only alternative left to the people would be the constitutional process. Our nation must defend the sanctity of marriage. (Applause.) Yeah, and those robe wearing motherfuckers are making a real pain in the ass to execute retarded teenagers, too! The outcome of this debate is important -- and so is the way we conduct it. The same moral tradition that defines marriage also teaches that each individual has dignity and value in God's sight. (Applause.) Which moral tradition defines divorce, which over half of all straight couples turn to? Does a second marriage have dignity and value in God's sight? What if you marry your Mistress from your first marriage? Does the new mistress have dignity and value, too? It's also important to strengthen our communities by unleashing the compassion of America's religious institutions. Religious charities of every creed are doing some of the most vital work in our country -- mentoring children, feeding the hungry, taking the hand of the lonely. Yet government has often denied social service grants and contracts to these groups, just because they have a cross or a Star of David or a crescent on the wall. By executive order, I have opened billions of dollars in grant money to competition that includes faith-based charities. Tonight I ask you to codify this into law, so people of faith can know that the law will never discriminate against them again. (Applause.) How is not giving someone free money discrimination? And isn't just possible that religious charities are effective precisely because the government isn't allowed anywhere near them? In the past, we've worked together to bring mentors to children of prisoners, and provide treatment for the addicted, and help for the homeless. Tonight I ask you to consider another group of Americans in need of help. This year, some 600,000 inmates will be released from prison back into society. We know from long experience that if they can't find work, or a home, or help, they are much more likely to commit crime and return to prison. So tonight, I propose a four-year, $300 million prisoner re-entry initiative to expand job training and placement services, to provide transitional housing, and to help newly released prisoners get mentoring, including from faith-based groups. (Applause.) America is the land of second chance, and when the gates of the prison open, the path ahead should lead to a better life. (Applause.) Either that or let's expand the death penalty to cover everything up to and including double parking. For all Americans, the last three years have brought tests we did not ask for, and achievements shared by all. By our actions, we have shown what kind of nation we are. In grief, we have found the grace to go on. In challenge, we rediscovered the courage and daring of a free people. In victory, we have shown the noble aims and good heart of America. And having come this far, we sense that we live in a time set apart. I've been witness to the character of the people of America, who have shown calm in times of danger, compassion for one another, and toughness for the long haul. All of us have been partners in a great enterprise. And even some of the youngest understand that we are living in historic times. Last month a girl in Lincoln, Rhode Island, sent me a letter. It began, "Dear George W. Bush. If there's anything you know, I, Ashley Pearson, age 10, can do to help anyone, please send me a letter and tell me what I can do to save our country." She added this P.S.: "If you can send a letter to the troops, please put, 'Ashley Pearson believes in you.'" (Applause.) Tonight, Ashley, your message to our troops has just been conveyed. And, yes, you have some duties yourself. Study hard in school, listen to your mom or dad, help someone in need, and when you and your friends see a man or woman in uniform, say, "thank you." (Applause.) And, Ashley, while you do your part, all of us here in this great chamber will do our best to keep you and the rest of America safe and free. (Applause.) And you enjoy that tax cut, y'hear! Oh wait, 10 year olds don't get tax cuts? I'll fix that..... My fellow citizens, we now move forward, with confidence and faith. Our nation is strong and steadfast. The cause we serve is right, because it is the cause of all mankind. The momentum of freedom in our world is unmistakable -- and it is not carried forward by our power alone. We can trust in that greater power who guides the unfolding of the years. And in all that is to come, we can know that His purposes are just and true. Is it possible to parody a paragraph that doesn't mean anything? May God continue to bless America. (Applause.) END 10:05 P.M. EST Okies. Jesus, that was a long speech. 10:27 AM Monday, January 26, 2004 SPEECHIFYING PART TWO From the beginning, America has sought international support for our operations in Afghanistan and Iraq, and we have gained much support. There is a difference, however, between leading a coalition of many nations, and submitting to the objections of a few. America will never seek a permission slip to defend the security of our country. (Applause.) Because it's not like we'll need countries like China or Russia to deal with...oh, I don't know, North Korea. We also hear doubts that democracy is a realistic goal for the greater Middle East, where freedom is rare. Yet it is mistaken, and condescending, to assume that whole cultures and great religions are incompatible with liberty and self-government. I believe that God has planted in every human heart the desire to live in freedom. And even when that desire is crushed by tyranny for decades, it will rise again. (Applause.) Unless, of course, it never stood in the first place. China was a democracy for about 45 minutes during the 1920's. The it fell and still can't get up. Democracy can be a HUGE pain in the ass. What happens if these Middle Eastern countries elect governments that hate the United States even more than the current ones do? Have fun selling "regime change"then. Okay, you did do it a lot in Central and South America. Point taken. As long as the Middle East remains a place of tyranny and despair and anger, it will continue to produce men and movements that threaten the safety of America and our friends. So America is pursuing a forward strategy of freedom in the greater Middle East. We will challenge the enemies of reform, confront the allies of terror, and expect a higher standard from our friend. To cut through the barriers of hateful propaganda, the Voice of America and other broadcast services are expanding their programming in Arabic and Persian -- and soon, a new television service will begin providing reliable news and information across the region. I will send you a proposal to double the budget of the National Endowment for Democracy, and to focus its new work on the development of free elections, and free markets, free press, and free labor unions in the Middle East. And above all, we will finish the historic work of democracy in Afghanistan and Iraq, so those nations can light the way for others, and help transform a troubled part of the world. (Applause.) Actually, the Middle East will remain a fucked up place as long as the overwhelming majority of its people are destitute and illiterate. Lots of people live under tyranny and don't fly planes into buildings. South Korea did for a long time, Indonesia, too. Terrorism has a lot more to do with education and economics than it does with democracy. The Voice of America is particularly adorable. The VOA broadcast into Eastern Europe for over 40 years to no effect whatsoever. Communism was toppled by the desire to have cool blue jeans and not wait in line for 3 days for nails and underwear, not because a bad DJ told them democracy was keen. The guys you're at war with now know all about blue jeans. As a matter of fact, jeans are big part of the reason they want to kill you all so bad. While you're up to stupid ideas, why don't you send Britney Spears on a USO tour to Islamabad? But this was my all-time favourite part: "and to focus its new work on the development of free elections, and free markets, free press, and free labor unions in the Middle East." After Florida, a lot of people find it kind of ironic for you to be discussing free elections. Your steel tarriffs and farm subsidies sort of undermine your free markets argument and Republicans aren't famous for supporting free labor unions in the Midwest, let alone the Middle East. America is a nation with a mission, and that mission comes from our most basic beliefs. We have no desire to dominate, no ambitions of empire. Our aim is a democratic peace -- a peace founded upon the dignity and rights of every man and woman. America acts in this cause with friends and allies at our side, yet we understand our special calling: This great republic will lead the cause of freedom. (Applause.) Yadda, yadda, yadda. This is boilerplate president talk. In the last three years, adversity has also revealed the fundamental strengths of the American economy. We have come through recession, and terrorist attack, and corporate scandals, and the uncertainties of war. And because you acted to stimulate our economy with tax relief, this economy is strong, and growing stronger. (Applause.) You have doubled the child tax credit from $500 to $1,000, reduced the marriage penalty, begun to phase out the death tax, reduced taxes on capital gains and stock dividends, cut taxes on small businesses, and you have lowered taxes for every American who pays income taxes. Americans took those dollars and put them to work, driving this economy forward. The pace of economic growth in the third quarter of 2003 was the fastest in nearly 20 years; new home construction, the highest in almost 20 years; home ownership rates, the highest ever. Manufacturing activity is increasing. Inflation is low. Interest rates are low. Exports are growing. Productivity is high, and jobs are on the rise. (Applause.) These numbers confirm that the American people are using their money far better than government would have -- and you were right to return it. (Applause.) "The uncertainty of war?" Did anyone really think that the Iraq war would would end with Saddam statues going up in downtown Akron? Yes, there was tax relief. There were also massive expenditures. Stuff like the farm bill, the prescripton drug benefit and giant expansion in the Departments of Defence and Education. Oh, and these Axis of Evil countries don't just bomb themselves. That costs money too. Lots and lots of it. Is the ecomony growing at a surprisingly high rate? Yes, it is. But it did in the 1920's, too. And I think everybody remembers how, without the 1930's, "The Grapes of Wrath" would be a sitcom. America's growing economy is also a changing economy. As technology transforms the way almost every job is done, America becomes more productive, and workers need new skills. Much of our job growth will be found in high-skilled fields like health care and biotechnology. So we must respond by helping more Americans gain the skills to find good jobs in our new economy. America's economy will very shortly turn into reminescient of a Dicken's novel. "High skilled fields" are wonderful for a time. Just look at Silicon Valley. But not everyone can have their very own dot com. There will be great growth in the service industry, though. Hope you kids look good in paper hats when you're fifty years old. Oh, and prostitution will be a good growth industry, too. Girls, repeat after me: "Joe, me number one fucky-fucky. Me love you Looong time." If you can't get it right at first, don't worry. There's still a bunch of Vietnam vets who can teach you the accent and everything. All skills begin with the basics of reading and math, which are supposed to be learned in the early grades of our schools. Yet for too long, for too many children, those skills were never mastered. By passing the No Child Left Behind Act, you have made the expectation of literacy the law of our country. We're providing more funding for our schools -- a 36-percent increase since 2001. We're requiring higher standards. We are regularly testing every child on the fundamentals. We are reporting results to parents, and making sure they have better options when schools are not performing. We are making progress toward excellence for every child in America. (Applause.) But the status quo always has defenders. Some want to undermine the No Child Left Behind Act by weakening standards and accountability. Yet the results we require are really a matter of common sense: We expect third graders to read and do math at the third grade level -- and that's not asking too much. Testing is the only way to identify and help students who are falling behind. This nation will not go back to the days of simply shuffling children along from grade to grade without them learning the basics. I refuse to give up on any child -- and the No Child Left Behind Act is opening the door of opportunity to all of America's children. (Applause.) People make far too much of education. It's never the really smart kids who grow up to be skilled with firearms, it's the stupid ones. This is a handy skill when you're threatening to overthrow half the planet's governments. You should keep that in mind. We must continue to pursue an aggressive, pro-growth economic agenda. (Applause.) Congress has some unfinished business on the issue of taxes. The tax reductions you passed are set to expire. Unless you act -- (applause) -- unless you act -- unless you act, the unfair tax on marriage will go back up. Unless you act, millions of families will be charged $300 more in federal taxes for every child. Unless you act, small businesses will pay higher taxes. Unless you act, the death tax will eventually come back to life. Unless you act, Americans face a tax increase. What Congress has given, the Congress should not take away. For the sake of job growth, the tax cuts you passed should be permanent. (Applause.) Because while I want to promise a whole bunch of cool free shit, I don't want the government to actually have the money to pay for it. Our agenda for jobs and growth must help small business owners and employees with relief from needless federal regulation, and protect them from junk and frivolous lawsuits. (Applause.) Yeah, government regulation is SUCH a pain in the ass! It's getting so most people think that they could suffer irreperable brain damage from a sirloin or get clobbered by a 757 in their office or have the stock value destroyed by Martha Stewart's avarice.......wait a second..... Consumers and businesses need reliable supplies of energy to make our economy run -- so I urge you to pass legislation to modernize our electricity system, promote conservation, and make America less dependent on foreign sources of energy. (Applause.) Which is why I tonight propose the annexation of Iraq. While we're at it, let's grab Venezula, too. My administration is promoting free and fair trade to open up new markets for America's entrepreneurs and manufacturers and farmers -- to create jobs for American workers. Younger workers should have the opportunity to build a nest egg by saving part of their Social Security taxes in a personal retirement account. (Applause.) We should make the Social Security system a source of ownership for the American people. (Applause.) And we should limit the burden of government on this economy by acting as good stewards of taxpayers' dollars. (Applause.) I should note that the trade isn't so free and fair as to jepordize my chances of winning Pennsyvannia or Ohio in November. And trust me on the whole Social Security/stock market thing. I've thought it through. Now that Enron, Global Crossing, Adelphia and Martha Stewart Living are all gone, what can happen? There are only good, solid companies left. What's that Dick? Yes, like Haliburton. In two weeks, I will send you a budget that funds the war, protects the homeland, and meets important domestic needs, while limiting the growth in discretionary spending to less than 4 percent. (Applause.) This will require that Congress focus on priorities, cut wasteful spending, and be wise with the people's money. By doing so, we can cut the deficit in half over the next five years. (Applause.) Or multiply by about 15. Who knows? Math isn't my strong suit. But I figure that the best way to make the government be wise with people's money is by not letting them have any of it. Tonight, I also ask you to reform our immigration laws so they reflect our values and benefit our economy. I propose a new temporary worker program to match willing foreign workers with willing employers when no Americans can be found to fill the job. This reform will be good for our economy because employers will find needed workers in an honest and orderly system. A temporary worker program will help protect our homeland, allowing Border Patrol and law enforcement to focus on true threats to our national security. I oppose amnesty, because it would encourage further illegal immigration, and unfairly reward those who break our laws. My temporary worker program will preserve the citizenship path for those who respect the law, while bringing millions of hardworking men and women out from the shadows of American life. (Applause.) Okay, since I may very well take advantage of this program in the near future, I won't make fun of it. I'm funny that way. Our nation's health care system, like our economy, is also in a time of change. Amazing medical technologies are improving and saving lives. This dramatic progress has brought its own challenge, in the rising costs of medical care and health insurance. Members of Congress, we must work together to help control those costs and extend the benefits of modern medicine throughout our country. (Applause.) Meeting these goals requires bipartisan effort, and two months ago, you showed the way. By strengthening Medicare and adding a prescription drug benefit, you kept a basic commitment to our seniors: You are giving them the modern medicine they deserve. (Applause.) You also helped me carry old-fart states like Arizona and Florida and take an issue the Democrats love off of the table. Gracias. Starting this year, under the law you passed, seniors can choose to receive a drug discount card, saving them 10 to 25 percent off the retail price of most prescription drugs -- and millions of low-income seniors can get an additional $600 to buy medicine. Beginning next year, seniors will have new coverage for preventive screenings against diabetes and heart disease, and seniors just entering Medicare can receive wellness exams. In January of 2006, seniors can get prescription drug coverage under Medicare. For a monthly premium of about $35, most seniors who do not have that coverage today can expect to see their drug bills cut roughly in half. Under this reform, senior citizens will be able to keep their Medicare just as it is, or they can choose a Medicare plan that fits them best -- just as you, as members of Congress, can choose an insurance plan that meets your needs. And starting this year, millions of Americans will be able to save money tax-free for their medical expenses in a health savings account. (Applause.) I signed this measure proudly, and any attempt to limit the choices of our seniors, or to take away their prescription drug coverage under Medicare, will meet my veto. (Applause.) Not that my veto will much matter. The basic laws of mathematics are all the veto I need. This bill vetoes itself and I still get the old farts. Jesus, Karl Rove is fucking smart! On the critical issue of health care, our goal is to ensure that Americans can choose and afford private health care coverage that best fits their individual needs. To make insurance more affordable, Congress must act to address rapidly rising health care costs. Small businesses should be able to band together and negotiate for lower insurance rates, so they can cover more workers with health insurance. I urge you to pass association health plans. (Applause.) I ask you to give lower-income Americans a refundable tax credit that would allow millions to buy their own basic health insurance. (Applause.) By computerizing health records, we can avoid dangerous medical mistakes, reduce costs, and improve care. To protect the doctor-patient relationship, and keep good doctors doing good work, we must eliminate wasteful and frivolous medical lawsuits. (Applause.) And tonight I propose that individuals who buy catastrophic health care coverage, as part of our new health savings accounts, be allowed to deduct 100 percent of the premiums from their taxes. (Applause.) As much as anyone will be paying taxes anymore. Hehehhhehehehehehe. A government-run health care system is the wrong prescription. (Applause.) By keeping costs under control, expanding access, and helping more Americans afford coverage, we will preserve the system of private medicine that makes America's health care the best in the world. (Applause.) And I know what you're thinking. "If government is doing all of these things, isn't the system esssentially government-run?" Not if the government doesn't have any money, it isn't. I love doing this but I need another break. To be continued. 2:09 PM SPEECHIFYING Okay, so I'm almost a week late on this. So sue me. There are few things funnier in politics than the annual State of the Union address. The address is really nothing more than government funded electioneering at the best of times and outright vote buying during an actual election year. This is so much the case that the pointy headed pundits actually refer to an incumbents speech as the "kick-off to the president's re-election campaign." This has been true of every president except for Clinton, who never actually stopped campaigning long enough to do anything crazy, like actually govern. While the Constitution mandates the State of the Union, there is no requirement that it actually be delivered in person. In fact, every president from Jefferson through Taft submitted the State of the Union in writing to Congress. It was only in 1913 that the speech was delivered in person. But sheafs of paper are famously boring on television. It's very hard to get re-elected when you're boring. The State of the Union address was revealed as a blatantly political tool in 1998, when President Clinton used it as an occassion to distract attenton from his penises misunderstanding with Monica Lewinsky's mouth and the Office of Independent Counsel. The address is a campaign weapon that hones a very old tradition in democratic societies; buying peoples votes with their own money. The speech has become a shopping list of cool things to give voters for that have no actual chance of passing Congress. Voters dig free stuff but have little idea that it's never actually free. I have a dream where the president is administered sodium pentathol on the afternoon of the speech. It would be great insofar as the honesty would be so jarring that no one would know what to think. Imagine, for example, that instead of giving this speech, President stood before the assembled Congress, cabinet, Supreme Court and diplomatic corps and gave this speech. That would rule! And that's why it will never happen. So, I will resort to my time honoured trick of replying to speech, point by point that has served me so well when I have nothing else to write about. As always, the president is in italics and I'm in reguar typeface. Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, members of Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow citizens: America this evening is a nation called to great responsibilities. And we are rising to meet them. I'd fund those responsibities, too but between massive tax cuts, buying off farmers and old people with subsidies and prescription drugs, not to mention bombing everything east of Long Island, I can't. Opps. Each day, law enforcement personnel and intelligence officers are tracking terrorist threats; analysts are examining airline passenger lists; the men and women of our new Homeland Security Department are patrolling our coasts and borders. And their vigilance is protecting America. (Applause.) The intelligence community is doing a particularly good job. You'll notice that before last March, Iraq had zillions of WMDs. Now they don't. Mission accomplished. Americans are proving once again to be the hardest working people in the world. The American economy is growing stronger. The tax relief you passed is working. The tax relief is working so well that pretty soon the government won't be able to. By the year 2010, the United States military will officially cease to exist. We will have to invade Syria with the Crips and Bloods. For this reason, the Brady Bill must be repealed. Tonight, members of Congress can take pride in the great works of compassion and reform that skeptics had thought impossible. You're raising the standards for our public schools, and you are giving our senior citizens prescription drug coverage under Medicare It was really sweet of you teenagers to spend $400 billion that we don't have. Oh, and Democrats, have fun explaining to voters that they plan will never, ever work. We own old people now! Muhahahahahahahahaha! We have faced serious challenges together, and now we face a choice: We can go forward with confidence and resolve, or we can turn back to the dangerous illusion that terrorists are not plotting and outlaw regimes are no threat to us. We can press on with economic growth, and reforms in education and Medicare, or we can turn back to old policies and old divisions. Old policies like colonizing the Middle East and implimenting massive government entitlement programs? Perish the thought. We've not come all this way -- through tragedy, and trial and war -- only to falter and leave our work unfinished. Americans are rising to the tasks of history, and they expect the same from us. In their efforts, their enterprise, and their character, the American people are showing that the state of our union is confident and strong. (Applause.) Every president says the state of the union is strong. I think there's a law that says he has to. I think it'd be great if, one year, the president got up and said, "the state of the union is.....fucked. We're broke and everybody hates us! Run for your lives!" Our greatest responsibility is the active defense of the American people. Twenty-eight months have passed since September 11th, 2001 -- over two years without an attack on American soil. And it is tempting to believe that the danger is behind us. That hope is understandable, comforting -- and false. The killing has continued in Bali, Jakarta, Casablanca, Riyadh, Mombasa, Jerusalem, Istanbul, and Baghdad. The terrorists continue to plot against America and the civilized world. And by our will and courage, this danger will be defeated. (Applause.) If if it's not, it's much better that brown people and Australians get blown up. Traffic in New York is already a nightmare. Inside the United States, where the war began, we must continue to give our homeland security and law enforcement personnel every tool they need to defend us. And one of those essential tools is the Patriot Act, which allows federal law enforcement to better share information, to track terrorists, to disrupt their cells, and to seize their assets. For years, we have used similar provisions to catch embezzlers and drug traffickers. If these methods are good for hunting criminals, they are even more important for hunting terrorists. (Applause.) Key provisions of the Patriot Act are set to expire next year. (Applause.) The terrorist threat will not expire on that schedule. (Applause.) Our law enforcement needs this vital legislation to protect our citizens. You need to renew the Patriot Act. (Applause.) Reichsmarshall....I mean Attorney General Ashcroft needs to know what books you read. A guy who lost an election to a corpse needs book recommendations. Besides, a guy who believes dancing is a mortal sin can relate to fundamentalist fantatics. He knows how al-Queda thinks. America is on the offensive against the terrorists who started this war. Last March, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, a mastermind of September the 11th, awoke to find himself in the custody of U.S. and Pakistani authorities. Last August the 11th brought the capture of the terrorist Hambali, who was a key player in the attack in Indonesia that killed over 200 people. We're tracking al Qaeda around the world, and nearly two-thirds of their known leaders have now been captured or killed. Thousands of very skilled and determined military personnel are on the manhunt, going after the remaining killers who hide in cities and caves, and one by one, we will bring these terrorists to justice. (Applause.) I know what you're thinking. If we captured or killed them all, how are they a threat? Well, it's questions like that the redouble my determination to renew the Patriot Act. As part of the offensive against terror, we are also confronting the regimes that harbor and support terrorists, and could supply them with nuclear, chemical or biological weapons. The United States and our allies are determined: We refuse to live in the shadow of this ultimate danger. (Applause.) And pretty soon, we'll go after the axis of evil that supplied said regimes with those weapons. This axis is constituted by France, Germany and .....ummmmm, us. The first to see our determination were the Taliban, who made Afghanistan the primary training base of al Qaeda killers. As of this month, that country has a new constitution, guaranteeing free elections and full participation by women. Businesses are opening, health care centers are being established, and the boys and girls of Afghanistan are back in school. With the help from the new Afghan army, our coalition is leading aggressive raids against the surviving members of the Taliban and al Qaeda. The men and women of Afghanistan are building a nation that is free and proud and fighting terror -- and America is honored to be their friend. (Applause.) And the fact that we were the "friend" of Iraq for a long time should keep them on their toes, too. Since we last met in this chamber, combat forces of the United States, Great Britain, Australia, Poland and other countries enforced the demands of the United Nations, ended the rule of Saddam Hussein, and the people of Iraq are free. (Applause.) They're free to be randomly shot and blown up in the street by crazy people. Baghdad is just like Detroit now. Except the English in Baghdad is marginally better. Having broken the Baathist regime, we face a remnant of violent Saddam supporters. Men who ran away from our troops in battle are now dispersed and attack from the shadows. These killers, joined by foreign terrorists, are a serious, continuing danger. Yet we're making progress against them. The once all-powerful ruler of Iraq was found in a hole, and now sits in a prison cell. (Applause.) Of the top 55 officials of the former regime, we have captured or killed 45. Our forces are on the offensive, leading over 1,600 patrols a day and conducting an average of 180 raids a week. We are dealing with these thugs in Iraq, just as surely as we dealt with Saddam Hussein's evil regime. (Applause.) Saddam, Willie Horton. Willie Horton, Saddam. Christ, these campaign commercials are going to write themselves. The work of building a new Iraq is hard, and it is right. And America has always been willing to do what it takes for what is right. Last January, Iraq's only law was the whim of one brutal man. Today our coalition is working with the Iraqi Governing Council to draft a basic law, with a bill of rights. We're working with Iraqis and the United Nations to prepare for a transition to full Iraqi sovereignty by the end of June. Dick wanted to turn over Iraq to Haliburton but I vetoed that. They can have it after the election. As democracy takes hold in Iraq, the enemies of freedom will do all in their power to spread violence and fear. They are trying to shake the will of our country and our friends, but the United States of America will never be intimidated by thugs and assassins. (Applause.) The killers will fail, and the Iraqi people will live in freedom. (Applause.) And they'll get tax cuts, too. I'll never ignore Iraq's 13 votes in the Electoral College. Because of American leadership and resolve, the world is changing for the better. Last month, the leader of Libya voluntarily pledged to disclose and dismantle all of his regime's weapons of mass destruction programs, including a uranium enrichment project for nuclear weapons. Colonel Qadhafi correctly judged that his country would be better off and far more secure without weapons of mass murder. (Applause.) Okay, we'll overlook the fact that Libya would be more secure from us..... Nine months of intense negotiations involving the United States and Great Britain succeeded with Libya, while 12 years of diplomacy with Iraq did not. And one reason is clear: For diplomacy to be effective, words must be credible, and no one can now doubt the word of America. (Applause.) And putting the homeless looking Saddam on TV didn't hurt either. If it worked that well on Qadhafi, wait till you see what it does to John Kerry. Different threats require different strategies. Along with nations in the region, we're insisting that North Korea eliminate its nuclear program. America and the international community are demanding that Iran meet its commitments and not develop nuclear weapons. America is committed to keeping the world's most dangerous weapons out of the hands of the most dangerous regimes. (Applause.) But not so committed that we'll attack them. Iran and North Korea are crazier and have bigger armies than Iraq did. Somebody could get hurt. Someone like my re-election campaign committee. When I came to this rostrum on September the 20th, 2001, I brought the police shield of a fallen officer, my reminder of lives that ended, and a task that does not end. I gave to you and to all Americans my complete commitment to securing our country and defeating our enemies. And this pledge, given by one, has been kept by many. And then I cut their benefits to fund the second round of tax cuts. Everybody wins! God, I'm cute. You in the Congress have provided the resources for our defense, and cast the difficult votes of war and peace. Our closest allies have been unwavering. America's intelligence personnel and diplomats have been skilled and tireless. And the men and women of the American military -- they have taken the hardest duty. We've seen their skill and their courage in armored charges and midnight raids, and lonely hours on faithful watch. We have seen the joy when they return, and felt the sorrow when one is lost. I've had the honor of meeting our servicemen and women at many posts, from the deck of a carrier in the Pacific to a mess hall in Baghdad. I've noticed how much fun the Democrats are having explaining that war vote to Howard Dean, too. Oh, and if you missed my visits with the troops, don't worry. You'll be seeing a lot of it, in 30 second incriments. Many of our troops are listening tonight. And I want you and your families to know: America is proud of you. And my administration, and this Congress, will give you the resources you need to fight and win the war on terror. (Applause.) Well, except for body armour and VA benefits. But you got a tax cut, didn't you? Don't be so fucking greedy. Some in this chamber, and in our country, did not support the liberation of Iraq. Objections to war often come from principled motives. But let us be candid about the consequences of leaving Saddam Hussein in power. We're seeking all the facts. Already, the Kay Report identified dozens of weapons of mass destruction-related program activities and significant amounts of equipment that Iraq concealed from the United Nations. Had we failed to act, the dictatator's weapons of mass destruction programs would continue to this day. Had we failed to act, Security Council resolutions on Iraq would have been revealed as empty threats, weakening the United Nations and encouraging defiance by dictators around the world. Iraq's torture chambers would still be filled with victims, terrified and innocent. The killing fields of Iraq -- where hundreds of thousands of men and women and children vanished into the sands -- would still be known only to the killers. For all who love freedom and peace, the world without Saddam Hussein's regime is a better and safer place. (Applause.) Just don't ask David Kay about any of that. Did you know his wife is a CIA undercover officer? Okay, this just brings me back to the Patriot Act....... Some critics have said our duties in Iraq must be internationalized. This particular criticism is hard to explain to our partners in Britain, Australia, Japan, South Korea, the Philippines, Thailand, Italy, Spain, Poland, Denmark, Hungary, Bulgaria, Ukraine, Romania, the Netherlands -- (applause) -- Norway, El Salvador, and the 17 other countries that have committed troops to Iraq. (Applause.) As we debate at home, we must never ignore the vital contributions of our international partners, or dismiss their sacrifices. I know what you're thinking. "It's never really a party without Slovakia." And I'm sure you're asking "what sacrifice?" Well, I've got three words to say to that: "Friendly Fire Incident!" This is fun. I'll continue it later.... 9:28 AM Sunday, January 25, 2004 FROM THE DESK OF FORD W. MAVERICK, SECRETARY OF HOMELAND SECURITY FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE "My fellow Americans. These have been trying times for the United States and indeed, the world. The threat of terror hangs heavily over our day to day activities. I, as your Secretary of Homeland Security, have been dilligent in my efforts on behalf of your government to protect the homeland. You may be aware of this chart, instituted 2 years ago as a means of alerting the public as to the actual threat level we all live under. Recent developments on our northern border have revealed a new and ominous threat, one our nation has never faced before. This threat is embodied in the libido of one Canadian, skippystalin. Much has been made of the threat of the "dirty bomb." skippystalin is, however, a walking "sticky bomb" with ready access to the major population centers of the United States. It is in recognition of this threat that in December, the Department of Homeland Security has instituted this threat level chart. It has recently come to the government's attention that skippystalin has not had sexual relief in some 18 months now. The external sexual stimuli on stalin is feared to be at the breaking point. Given that stalin is within 100 miles of our northern border and his incapability of getting laid in his own homeland, his penis is poised like a dagger into the midwest. It is for this reason that I have ordered, effective immediately, that the threat level be raised above the current "code red." This is the new threat condition I cannot stress strongly enough the threat to the American public. Therefore, I have ordered the National Guard to evacuate all major population centers between New York City, Miami and Chicago. This is in the interest of our National Security. Flee in an orderly manner. Resisters shall be shot. Thank you and may God continue to bless America." 11:52 AM FUCK THE KLINKS AND THE HORSE THEY RODE IN ON After nearly a month of my comments not working, I've finally had it with BlogOut. Accordingly, I've installed Haloscan as my new comments server. In monitoring other blogs, I've found Haloscan to be much more reliable and its actually pretty easy to install. Unfortunately, Geocities and Yahoo and general is fucking with me now. This is highly unfortunate as the lovely and talented Ford W. Maverick has created a brand new "skippy's Libido Threat Level" that is among the funniest things I've ever seen. So if anyone knows of a reliable (yet still free) picture hosting service, I'd appreciate your input. 11:18 AM Thursday, January 22, 2004 "HERE COMES YOUR 19TH NERVOUS BREAKDOWN" I've seen all kinds of cool stuff on television in my day. As a matter of fact, I can honestly say that if there's been something fucked up that's happened in politics in the last 50 years, I've seen the videotape of it. But never, never have I seen a presidential frontrunner have a complete nervous breakdown on national television. As you can see, it was beautiful. I view this footage the way most men would view the birth of their first child, wonderous, magical, daunting and scary all at once. But the visual was nowhere near as good as the speech itself. What may be the most spectacular example of the mighty being humbled since Richard Nixon flashed the "victory" sign before boarding the helicopter, Dean managed to turn a humiliation into a televised suicide. What should've been a exhortartion of his followers to redouble their efforts became an exercise in how many states the candidate could name in 2 minutes and just how loudly. A man who was widely considered to be exceptionally odd looking but harmless would've frieghtened small children across the eastern seaboard if not for the fact that it was past their bedtime and that the little bastards can't appreciate such depravity like I can. Somewhere out there Randy "Macho Man" Savage bowed his head in humility when Dean bodyslammed Iowa Senator Tom Harkin and pinned him to the stage for the 3 count at the end of the debacle. However, on Monday night Howard Dean did answer a question that I've been asking for 4 years now; "What does Axl Rose look like without the bandanna and hair extensions these days?" In short, I've never seen porno this good.....and I've seen my share of porno. Yours too. So it should go without saying that Howard Dean's meltdown moved my Libido Threat level right back to here 11:27 PM CRYPTIC PERSONAL UPDATE This new job of mine, should I decide to take it (the final meeting regarding this is tomorrow and let's just say that Daddy needs some more financial enticing), should prove interesting. Very, VERY interesting. Since I've been bitten on the ass about writing about my professional life before (see my old blog in the links. Oh, and I guess I can tell you all about losing my old job now but I don't feel like it), I'm going to have to be a little discreet about the actual details. Let's just imagine that you've spent the last 20 years cultivating a vicious hatred for a particular famous person. Then you get a job which may or may not take (again, Daddy isn't fond of the money end) which will necessitate looking at that hated, if distinguished personage every friggin' day. I think we all know what happens, right? Blog hilarity ensues. But I will be discrete this time. I won't get bitten twice. I'm pretty stupid but I'm not that stupid. Accordingly, I won't name the Hated Famous Person or even refer to him or her as something like a "Psychotic Former Political Hack" that would be too much of a giveaway. I'll just stick with "Hated Famous Person" for now. I'll give you a hint, I've written at some length about Hated Famous Person before. You can guess all you want but I will not confirm or deny HFP's identity. Unless of course, I decide not to take the job and I'll tell you all tomorrow. Hope you all understand. 6:32 PM Saturday, January 17, 2004 GEORGE W. BUSH, A MAN AMOUNG MEN George Bush is a famously friendly guy. All you need to see is one of his press conferences and see the affectionate nicknames he gives members of the Fourth Estate (Excepting Adam Clymer of the New York Times, whom he referred to as "a major league asshole" over an open mic during the 2000 campaign.) The president always wants you to know that he's remarkably well endowed. During every sit down photo-op, he'll have his legs as wide open as humanly possible, his manhood further framed by his hands resting on his knees as if to say "I've got your Chief of Staff right here!" I also needn't remind you of that flight suit back in May. Bush wants you to know that he's so much more than expert at bombing brown people. But who knew that the President of the United States was such a flirt? Well, Scott Reid does now. Reid, 35 is a senior strategist to Canadian Prime Minister, Paul Martin and widely renowned smart guy. President Bush also has a thing for him. On Tuesday morning in Monterrey, Mexico the president told Reid not once, but twice that he had a "pretty face." He also told Reid that he was "better looking than my Scott" (the presient's Scott being Press Secretary Scott McLellan.) The president's Scott is reported to have broken down weeping and declared that he "feels so cheap" as the Prime Minister gloried in the acknowledgement that he has the prettiest bitch in all of the Americas. Reid meanwhile, while flattered with his Ned Beatty-in-"Deliverence" moment with the Leader of the Free World, became consumed with sadness, knowing that this is indeed as good as it gets in Canadian politics. 10:06 AM Friday, January 16, 2004 MEMO TO MICHAEL II Dear King of Pop, Off the roof of the fucking van yet? Good. We need to have a little talk. I'll start with a question. Precisely what the fuck are you thinking? That little production this morning was a disaster. I'm sure it doesn't seem that way in the paranoid delusion that is your life. There are so many things I can point out that were impressive only for their hideousness. I'll need a moment to collect my thoughts and decide where to start. Okay, I think I have a list. Here goes. A) Busing fans into to the court house: You know who the last celebrity defendant was who bused in his supporters from out of town was? Charles Manson. As you may know, it didn't work out the way he may have expected. You can ask him all about it if and when you end up in San Quentin for pulling shit like that. Although, you might be able to keep your name in the news when one of your fans pulls a gun on an unelected president in Sacremento a few years from now. Oh, and calling said busloads of fans the "Caravan of Love" isn't a super-wise thing to do when charged with seven felony child molestation charges. You can be assured of this by the fact that the Catholic Church isn't even ballsy enough to try it. B) Bringing your own camera crew: What, you figured there wouldn't be enough cameras at the courthouse? You're only the most famous criminal defendant in human history. Trust me, you're getting plenty enough attention. The do-it-yourself-film making can lead one to one of two conclusions; either you've got an even more bizarre taste in home movies than I think you do-"yeah, kids, this is when I had that little misunderstanding over my ejaculating in front of the 13-year old cancer patient."- or you're looking to release a DVD extravaganza. Courts tend to frown on defendants making money off of a criminal complant. These are the Halls of Justice, not the set of the "Remember the Time" video. C) Showing up late: You may have noticed that the guy in the robe and high chair was a little upset this morning. I know that you have limited experience with the courts, but you would be well advised that judges are the only people who are bigger prima donnas than pop stars are. They hate to be kept waiting. You think Mariah Carey can be a pain the ass? Keep annoying the judge. I know, I know; you had to acknowledge the fans. Those screaming imbiciles you only seem to notice when you fuck up horribly, which seems to be happening with shocking frequency lately. And of course, camera crews don't direct themselves now do they? Too bad Spielberg stopped returning your calls. But there's a basic rule of thumb for film making felons, if you can't show up on time, don't show up at all. It worked for Roman Polanski. Sure he can't set foot in most of the western world but he got an Oscar. You can have one or the other, your freedom or good reviews but not both. D) Hopping onto top of your SUV: While, I'm thrilled to see that your shoulders have healed nicely (Note: remember your little tirade about police abuse on 60 Minutes a few weeks ago? Yeah, I thought you forgot. Opps.), hopping on top of your van and dancing probably isn't wise. It sort of looks bad when you try to make over your place of judgement into the five minutes that got edited out of the "Black or White" video sans senseless automotive destruction. Thankfully, you had the good sense to avoid the repeated crotch grabbing. Child molestation allegations require some decorum. Besides, if things work out differently than I think they will, you'll have upwards of 20 years in prison to work on your dance moves. You'll need your agility and muscle control there, too. E) Will you please cut it out with the fucking parties?: Please? It looks really bad. You got away with the private party the day after you were charged but opening your house to the public will attract some attention. Remember,there's a 13 year old cancer patient out there who says you gave him bukkake demonstrations. Not a good subject for a theme party. I hope you'll take these suggestions to heart but as it appears that you're only listening to Leonard Muhammed these days, I'm not holding out much hope. But I do ask one thing. If you insist on keping the Nation of Islam around, can you make them wear the bow ties? I can't get enough of black guys who dress like Erkel but still manage to appear threatening. It's a gift. Nobody's afraid of George Will or Tucker Carlson but the Fruit of Islam scares the fuck out of everybody. I Remain Your Friend, skippystalin 9:13 PM

skippy's Greatest Hits EMAIL skippy! skippystalin@gmail.com Retard Cage Match of the Doomed: The Sad Saga of the 2005/06 Canadian Federal Election - November 26, 2005 - January 24, 2006 Tyson TV: All Mike, All the Time The Ballad of Captain Geography The Madness of Mayor Mel I Told Her I Love Her and She Said "Que?" The skippystalin Lecture Series, Part One: Lessons of a Shithead Cyrano The skippystalin Lecture Series, Part Two: The Cunnilingus Chronichles Uday, We Hardly Knew Ye California Tumbles Into the Sea Terminating Government Arnold Uber Alles Waiting for Gaiman In the Realm of the Gaiman Fan "They're Selling Postcards Of The Hanging / They're Painting The Passports Brown" - Notes From The Ritual Suicide Of The Progressive Conservative Movement In Ontario My Dinner With Dr. Reverend skippy's Protection For Pornography Week Proclomation skippy For President Some Girls Give Me Knighthoods I Never Asked Them For Richard Nixon Died For Your (Explative Deleted) Sins Mr. & Mrs. Bloody Diapers, Bob Dylan & The Unbearable Gayness Of skippy Give Me A Leonard Cohen Afterworld : Thoughts On Kurt Cobain, Ten Years Gone George W. Bush And Me The Passion Of Carl Bernstein Adventures In Loss Prevention: Mind Your Own Mongloid "Welcome To Canada. Now Show Us Your Tits!" These Things I Believe: Gay Marriage And The Future Of American Law Retail Politics, Wholesale Horseshit George W. Bush: Last Of The Big Government Liberals Getting Serious About Islamist Terrorism Death Smells Sweetest In The Fall: A Timely Obituary For The Candidacy Of John Forbes Kerry, Esquire The Dumbest Songs Ever: "Do They Know It's Christmas" A Love Letter to Michelle, Driver of the 9:10PM Rocket Bus From Scarborough Town Center to Don Mills Station How To Get Ahead In Terrorism Without Even Trying Breaking With History: Bush's Second Inaugaral Address Some Kind Of Monster "The Doctor Will See You Now:" Kevin White Has The Greatest Bedside Manner Ever! The House That Hunter Built A Quiet, Peaceful Life: A Portrait in 24 Hours In Praise of Paris Hilton Just You and Me, Punk Rock Girl Who's Afraid Of W. Axl Rose? The Girls of Porn: Part One: Nikita Denise , Getting Fucked By Porn Stars: Not Always As Much Fun As You'd Think , Part Two: Silvia Saint , Jenna Jameson Is Braver Than You Are , Part Three: Inari Vachs , Obituary Edition:Anna Malle , Special Report: Mimi Miyagi and the Parliament of Whores Mass Transit Performance Art The Adventures of Zanta Terri Schiavo And Political Hypocracy Come To Me, My Karly-Curls skippy and Scalia: The Tale of a Great Friendship How The Republican Party Found God And Lost Its Soul Running On The Grave Of Terri Schiavo: Not Just For Republicans Anymore Deep Throat, Watergate and the Legacy Of Richard Nixon In Canada, You've Never Really "Done Your Time" The Revenge of LBJ Updated November 27, 2005 On L. Cohen, Swindled and Bankrupt: A Cautionary Tale Dinner is Served: Thoughts on Jessica Alba Your Own Personal Jesus Using Pakistani Domestic Policy To Flirt In The Court Of The Maximum Leader Sex Offender Registries And Stupidity Most People Are Wrong: Why Angelina Jolie Is A Much Better Wife Than Jennifer Anniston Death Of A Ladies Man: Martinis, Tranquilizers & Wife Beating - The Decline & Fall of Rene Levesque New Jersey, Home of the Sexy On the Smell of Victory...Among Oter Things Free At Last, Free At Last, Good God Almighty, I Am Free At Last Okay, But Hardly Lawsuit Worthy: The Litigious Tits Of Jennifer Anniston Justice For Karly-Curls Fuck the Children, Fuck those Needle-Dicked, Non-Smoking Cocksuckers, And if You Disagree With Me, Fuck You, Too! The Greatest Story Ever Told ,and Part Two Speaking Words of Wisdom: Jessica Alba's Ass Jessica Simpson Discusses Her Tits, Nick Lachey Unable to Stop Weeping A Nuclear Iran: Let's Start Thinking Like Rational Adults, Shall We? No Means No, You Bitch! Confessions of a Tobacco Fiend Behold the Magic Wand! Fear the Magic Wand! Me Learn Good, Part 1 Part Two Part Three Get Your Wings Hymen Love With You Scott Stapp Must Die Wherein the Birthday Boy is Challenged Won't You Take Me To Catholic Town Fuck Texas Love Letters From Rummy Whereupon Terrorist Threats Are Made Upon Poetry Magazine Evangeline Lilly Is A Delusional Pain In The Ass And Should Be Beheaded Soon The Greatest Conspiracy Story Ever Told She Come 'Round Here, Just About Midnight Sean Connery Smacks His Bitch Up "You Should See My Home. It's.....So Nice Lifestyle Columnists Aren't Very Smart Susan Sarandon Is a Liberal Loudmouth, Also Has Spectacular Knockers skippystalin: International Criminal Extradionaire , The Further Adventures of Fast Johnny Fuckhead , I'll Make You Famous: The New Adventures of Crazy Johnny Arkle Thoughts on I'm Not a Feminist, But... Notes on the Great Retard Smoking Debate Valerie Gibson And I Finally Agree: Children Are Evil And Have More Fun Than Either Of Us "I Don't Know But I've Been Told / Recruiting's Gotten Awfully Bold" He's Just Not That Into You Why Elvis is Still the King Gullible's Travels Who's the Better Boyfriend? Part One: Zacarias Moussaoui , Part Two: Roy Cohn Good To See That Worked Out: Thoughts On Middle East Democracy The Neverending Story Of Pamela Anderson & Tommy Lee The World Isn't Fair: On Hot, Blonde Supermodels and the Trolls Who Eat Them Out in Public , Victoria Silvstedt, The Lord, and the Mysterious Ways Thereof Requiem for a Heavyweight: On the Late, Great Rob Smith From the Department of Sexy Secrets Revealed: Regis Philbin Edition Is Bill Clinton a Fairy or Just an Asshole? Building A Better Broad Oh, Grow the Fuck Up, You Fucking Babies Big Ones, Little Ones ... Everyone Loves Boobies Titanic Titties Top Terror From The Department of Behaviour Modification Dildos Can Be Dangerous "And I Know No One Can Sing The Blues Like Blind Willie McTell" When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong G.G. Allin And The Meaning Of Life Is Karl Rove Finished? Leave My Porno Slut Alone , Destroying The Villiage To Save It Lindsay Lohan And The Importance Of Role Models Let's Get Kinky! Dear Mr. President, Go Fuck Yourself He's Not That Innocent: The Devil & Mikhail Sergeyevich Full Of Cum, Full Of Dumb: The Ballad of Belinda Stronach Let's Hear It For The Boy: Mark Foley & The Meaning Of Love Bill Donohue And The Interesting Logic Of The Catholic League The Greatest American Hero: Mouhammed Shaukat, Soldier Of Freedom Remember Her Voice: A Plea To Support The Memory Of Iris Chang, 1968-2004 Robert Redford & The Infamous Mr. Ed Screeched: Dustin Diamond Is Ready For His Close-Up In My Father's House Postcards Of The Hanging: The Softer Side Of Saddam New Model # 15: The Unquiet Love Life of Marilyn Manson Kim Kardashian And The Color Of Love Gavin Newsom Is On Fucking Fire! Assissted Suicide For The Mentally Ill: Not As Crazy As You'd Think The Sad Life And Death Of A Centerfold Getting Obama Lisa Marie Nowak Wants To Know What Love Is Stem Cells: Now With New And Improved Tits! Locking Up The Toybox: The Sad, Strange Saga of Williams v. Attorney General of Alabama "Hurt Him? It Damn Near Rectum!:" An Asshole Adventure In A Loser's Life "With A Head Full Of Snow:" Keith Richards & The Meaning Of Father's Day Any Way You Cut It, I'm Fucked: Sikhism & skippy The Devil, Daniel Johnston, Dr. Reverend & Me The People vs. Paris Hilton Lindsay Lohan is the Greatest American Ever! Making a Run for the Border: Why Comprehensive Immigration Reform is Unmitigated Bullshit On Richard Russell, Curiously Remembered The Decline & Fall of Katie Couric If I Was Peter North The Greatest Song Ever Getting Sober The Right Way Constitutional Law in Theory and Practice Through the Eyes of an Idiot Chuck Schumer is a Dick! Give Me Your Poor, Your Tired, Your Huddled Leftist Shitheads, Yearning to Annoy Me The Poontang Primary Jim Crow For Thee But Not For Me: Barack Obama & Gay Marriage Dickhead Revisited: Rudolph Giuliani & Ground Zero The Adventures of Michael Vick: Part One, Part Two, Part Three ,Part Four Mr. Rove? He Dead. Alberto Gonzales Wants to Kill You Quickly Love: With Jelly or Without Jelly The Adventures of Larry Craig: Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five George W. Bush Through the Eyes of Karl Rove When Children Attack: Pre-Teen Wasteland Edition Chris Crocker is Scarier than Osama bin Laden The Ninth Circut Court of Appeals Said No, No, No James Woods is Everywhere! Your Southern Can is Mine: Reflections on the Meg White Fuck Tape On a Classiness Scale of One to Ten: Rudy Giuliani is a 9/11!, Part Two On Budget Surpluses, Debt, Tax Cuts and the Continuing Idiocy of the Toronto Sun Stephane Dion is Fucked, Liberal Party of Canada .... Fuckeder Laugh, I Nearly Died: Ronnie Wood Had Fun On Howard Hampton, "Happy Warriors" & the Coming Death of Democracy Comparative History Class The Decline & Fall of John Tory Stephen Harper's Best Friend: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Jean Chretien's Memoirs Because He's Slash, Kids. Because He's Slash The Bush Doctrine In Theory & Practice: Kurdistan Edition The Unelected Majority & the Absence of Opposition Canada: Where You Have the Right to Remain Silent ... Until You Don't The Ballad of Rudy & Bernie Vanity's End: When Hot Girls Find Jesus & The Heroin Diaries Rudy's Other Strange Relationship: Why Being Endorsed By Pat Robertson Isn't A Particularly Good Idea If the Leg Fits:Heather Mills is Having a Funny Divorce Giving Thanks for the Amy Fisher Fuck Tape & What It Can Teach Ladies About the Making of Love They Come From the Land of the Ice and Snow and They Won't Go Back: The Return of Pagey, Percy & Whatshisname Whereupon skippy Falls in Love Again: South Asian Edition Pimp My Faith: Mitt Romney Gets His God On For the Love of God: The Lonely Death of Aqsa Parvez Hey Joe, Where You Goin' With That Gun in Your Hand? What's skippy Reading? State of War: The Secret History of the CIA and the Bush Administration by James Risen Finished, Thursday 19 January 2006 A Simple Twist of Fate: Bob Dylan and the Making of Blood on the Tracks by Andy Gill and Kevin Odegard Finished, 23 January 2006 Grits: An Intimate Portrait of the Liberal Party By Christina McCall-Newman Finished, 17 March 2006 Running the World: The Inside Story of the National Security Council and the Architechts of American Power by David Rothkopf Finished, 6 April 2006 Strategery: How George W. Bush is Defeating Terrorists, Outwitting Democrats and Confounding the Mainstream Media By Bill Sammon Finished, May 10, 2006 George Wallace: American Populist By Stephan Lesher Finished, June 15, 2006 Secrets of the Kingdom: The Inside Story of the Saudi - U.S Connection By Gerald Posner Finished, June 20, 2006 Soldiers of God: With Islamic Warriors in Afghanistan and Pakistan By Robert D. Kaplan Finished, June 27, 2006 Before the Storm: Barry Goldwater and the Unmaking of the American Consensus By Rick Perlstien Finished, July 4, 2006 Flawed Giant: Lyndon Johnson And His Times 1961-1973 By Robert Dallek Finished, August 10, 2006 Bush's Brain: How Karl Rove Made George W. Bush Presidential By James Moore and Wayne Slater Finished, October 7, 2006 The Fall Of Baghdad By Jon Lee Anderson Finished, October 31, 2006 The Way It Works: Inside Ottawa By Eddie Goldenberg Finished, November 12, 2006 Child Of God By Cormac McCarthy Finished, November 18, 2006 Right Side Up: The Fall Of Paul Martin And The Rise Of Stephen Harper's New Conservatism By Paul Wells Finished, December 8, 2006 The Private Life Of Chairman Mao By Dr. Li Zhisui, Translation By Tai Hung Chao Finished, December 14, 2006 Exile On Main Street: A Season In Hell With The Rolling Stones By: Robert Greenfeild Finished, February 21, 2007 "Work Hard, Study ... And Keep Out Of Politics!" Adventures And Lessons From An Unexpected Public Life By: James A. Baker, III with Steve Fiffer Finished, March 7, 2007 Supreme Conflict: The Inside Story Of The Struggle For Control Of The United States Supreme Court By Jan Crawford Greenburg Finished, March 14, 2007 Imperial Life In The Emerald City: Life Inside Iraq's Green Zone By: Rajiv Chandransekaran Finished March 18, 2007 Memories Of My Melancholy Whores By: Gabriel Garcia Marquez Finished, March 21, 2007 Guests Of The Ayatollah: The First Battle In America's War With Militant Islam By: Mark Bowden Finished, April 4, 2007 Screwjack By: Hunter S. Thompson Finished, April 19, 2007 State Of Denial: Bush At War, Part III By: Bob Woodward Finished, April 22, 2007 31 Days: Gerald Ford, The Nixon Pardon, And A Government In Crisis By: Barry Werth Finished, May 6, 2007 At The Center Of The Storm: My Years At The CIA By: George Tenent with Bill Harlow Finished, May 28, 2007 No Excuses: Concessions of a Serial Campaigner By: Robert Shrum Finished: July 1, 2007 Chief of Staff: Lyndon Johnson and His Presidency By: W. Marvin Watson with Sherwin Markmarn Finished: July 12, 2007 Nixon and Kissinger: Partners in Power By: Robert Dalleck Finished: July 17, 2007 1912: Wilson, Roosevelt, Taft & Debs - The Election That Changed The Country By: James Chace Finished: August 5, 2007 Becoming Justice Blackmun: Harry Blackmun's Supreme Court Journey By: Linda Greenhouse Finished: August 20, 2007 President Reagan: The Triumph of Imagination By: Richard Reeves Finished: September 20, 2007 Dead Certain: The Presidency of George W. Bush By: Robert Draper Finished: October 1, 2007 Harper's Team: Behind the Scenes in the Conservative Rise to Power By: Tom Flanagan Finished: October 9, 2007 Full Circle: Death and Resurrection in Canadian Conservative Politics By: Bob Plamondon Finished: October 17, 2007 My Years As Prime Minister By: Jean Chretien Finished: October 23, 2007 The Thumpin': How Rahm Emanuel and the Democrats Learned to Be Ruthless and Ended the Republican Revolution By: Naftali Bendavid Finished: October 25, 2007 Not A Suicide Pact: The Constitution in a Time of National Emergency By: Richard A. Posner Finished, October 29, 2007 Slash By: Slash and Anthony Bozza Finished: November 1, 2007 The Heroin Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rock Star By: Nikki Sixx and Ian Gittin Finished: November 2, 2007 Clapton: The Autobiography By: Eric Clapton Finished: November 5, 2007 Rise of the Vulcans: The History of Bush's War Cabinet By: James Mann Finished: November 13, 2007 Miami and the Siege of Chicago: An Informal History of the American Political Conventions of 1968 By: Norman Mailer Finished: November 15, 2007 Memoirs: 1939-1993 By: Brian Mulroney Finished: December 3,2007 Peace Kills: America's Fun New Imperalism By: P.J O'Rourke Finished: December 4, 2007 The Looming Tower: Al-Qaeda and the Road to 9/11 By: Lawrence Wright Finished: December 11, 2007 The One Percent Doctrine: Deep Inside America's Pursuit of Its Enemies Since 9/11 By: Ron Suskind Finished: December 19, 2007 Cheney: The Untold Story of America's Most Powerful and Controversial Vice President By: Stephen F. Hayes Finished: December 25, 2007 When Trumpets Call: Theodore Roosevelt After the White House By: Patricia O'Toole Finished: January 1, 2008 America's First Dynasty: The Adamses, 1735-1918 By: Richard Brookhiser Finished:January 7, 2008 The Road By: Cormac McCarthy Finished: January 9, 2008 The Conviction of Richard Nixon: The Untold Story of the Frost/Nixon Interviews By: James Reston, Jr. Finished" January 11, 2008 Write It When I'm Gone: Remarkable Off-the-Record Conversations with Gerald R. Ford By: Thomas M. DeFrank Finished: January 15, 2008 The Bush Tragedy By: Jacob Weisberg Finished: January 18, 2008 When All You Have Is Hope By: Frank O'Dea with John Lawrence Reynolds Finished: January 21, 2008 Confessions of a Political Hitman: My Secret Life of Scandal, Corruption, Hypocrisy and Dirty Tricks That Decide Who Gets Elected (and Who Doesn't) By: Stephen Marks Finished: February 8, 2008 The Nine: Inside the Secret World of the Supreme Court By: Jeffery Toobin Finished, February 18, 2008 The Architect: Karl Rove and the Dream of Absolute Power By: James Moore and Wayne Slater Finished, February 21, 2008 Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln By: Doris Kerns Goodwin Finished, February 26, 2008 Post Office By: Charles Bukowski Finished: March 6, 2008 Factotum By: Charles Bukowski Finished: March 7, 2008 Women By: Charles Bukowski Finished: March 10, 2008 Queer By: William S. Burroughs Finished: March 12, 2008 To Live's To Fly: The Ballad of the Late, Great Townes Van Zant By: John Kruth Finished: March 17, 2008 Twenty Thousand Roads: The Ballad of Gram Parsons and His Cosmic American Music By: David N. Meyer Finished: March 24, 2008 W.A.R: The Unauthorized Biography of William Axl Rose By: Mick Wall Finished: April 4, 2008 Deception: Pakistan, the United States, and the Secret Trade in Nuclear Weapons By: Adrian Levy & Catherine Scott-Clark Finished: April 21, 2008 The Assassins' Gate: America in Iraq By: George Packer Finished: May 5, 2008 Worse than Watergate: The Secret Presidency of George W. Bush By: John W. Dean Finished: May 7, 2008 Clinton in Exile: A President Out of the White House By: Carol Felenthal Finished: May 12, 2008 Nixonland: The Rise of a President and the Fracturing of America By: Rick Perlstein Finished: June 2, 2008 Infidel By: Ayaan Hirsi Ali Finished: June 11, 2008 The People's Machine: Arnold Schwarzenegger and the Rise of Blockbuster Democracy By: Joe Mathews Finished: June 20, 2008 The Strong Man: John Mitchell and the Secrets of Watergate By: James Rosen Finished: June 30, 2008 American Spy: My Secret History in the CIA, Watergate & Beyond By: E. Howard Hunt w/ Greg Aunuapu Finished: July 4, 2008 Legacy of Ashes: The History of the CIA By: Tim Weiner Finished: July 16, 2008 The Prosecution of George W. Bush for Murder By: Vincent Bugliosi Finished: July 21, 2008 War by Other Means: An Insider's Account of the War on Terror By: John Yoo Finished: July 25, 2008 Your Government Failed You: Breaking the Cycle of National Security Disasters By: Richard A. Clarke Finished: July 31, 2008 The Persian Puzzle: The Conflict Between Iran and America By: Kenneth M. Pollack Finished: August 13, 2008 The Human Factor: Inside the CIA's Dysfunctional Intelligence Culture By: Ishmael Jones Finished: August 19, 2008 Havana Nocturne: How the Mob Owned Cuba ... And Then Lost It to the Revolution By: T.J Enjlish Finished: August 25, 2008 Descent into Chaos: The United States and the Failure of Nation Building in Pakistan, Afghanistan and Central Asia By: Ahmed Rashid Finished: Sepember 9, 2008 The Case Against the General: Manuel Noriega and the Politics of American Justice By: Steve Albert Finished: September 25, 2008 Condolezza Rice: An American Life By: Elisabeth Bumiller Finished: October 10, 2008 Presidential Courage: Brave Leaders and How They Changed America, 1789-1989 Michael Beschloss Finished: October 13, 2008 What People Are Saying About skippy "hands down, Canada's most underrated blog" Damian Penny, The Undisputed Dean of Canadian Political Bloggers. Posted at Daimnation , Saturday October 21, 2006 "You can count on “Skippy” to make you think in different ways about familiar issues. You can also depend on him to be rude, offensive, and outrageous – if you're offended by completely uninhibited sexual imagery (and imagination!), don't read Skippy – but your prudery will keep you from an often interesting perspective." Posted On: Jamulblog, July 12, 2007 "Your Maximum Leader is beginning to think that the less he posts, the better Skippy’s political posts are. Indeed, your Maximum Leader even thought (just a few short moments ago) that if your Maximum Leader just stopped blogging all together would Skippy just keep on writing enough good material for two blogs? (Admittedly one of those blogs would be an X-rated social commentary/diary site and the second a remarkably well-informed and insightful political commentary site…)" Posted On: Naked Villainy, September 18, 2007 "I love your writing. few could pull off sarcastic humor and self-loathing like you do. You've turned self-disgust into an art form." Posted By:Ophelia July 19, 2003 "hahaha um, not funny" Posted By: Ophelia July 17, 2003 "This is not fucking funny." Posted By: Bee August 21, 2003 "I join Bee in saying that this isn''t funny AT ALL. jesus christ, Skippy." Posted By: Ophelia August 23, 2003 "You are obiviously being kept down by the Mud People." Posted By: DrReverend August 21, 2003 "I''ll give you $50.00 if you kill yourself." Posted By: DrReverend August 19, 2003 "Last time I read this blog." Posted By: Dave, October 24, 2003 "I think you should stop talking about killing yourself and ACTUALLY kill yourself. For fuck's sake, everybody is tired of hearing about how you might, just do it or face the fact that you are too pathetic to even kill yourself." Posted By: A Caring Guy, October 25, 2003 "If Joey Ramone were alive today he'd probably shit in your mouth." Posted By: DrReverend November 11, "When you're good, you're good. When you're bad, you're even better. See you in hell." Posted By: Anna November 11, 2003 "Skippy, if you can prove to me that giving head and swallowing will without a doubt keep lung cancer and heart disease at bay, you've earned yourself a BJ." Posted By: Mary Magdalicious, December 5, 2003 "Wow...you know nothing about politics." Posted Dr. Reverend, December 26, 2003 "You are a dick and should think seriously about killing your stupid blog - go get a job, you big fag"Posted By: Princess Paragonian, December 29, 2003 "You have a, how shall i say.... appealing 'tough', yet gently gay look." (Univited PM) Posted by:Jus20012002, January 2, 2004 . "I hope jesus doesn't kick you in the nuts."Posted By: Mary Magdalicious February 2, 2004 "Stumbled on to your blog by accident and i must say alot of the stuff had me in stitches. Love it" Posted By:Jeremy February 4, 2004 " .....sick."Posted By: Bee February 7, 2004 "Hey Skippy, you ever consider running for public office in the states? I know some people in the West Virginia state government and our Senator can't live forever.Hell, even Strom, Thomas-Jefferson-Fan, Thurmond died eventually.Posted By: Ford W. Mavrick, February 9, 2004 Wow, for someone who is so opinionated, you really don't know shit about American or Canadian culture. You appear to know even less about history." Posted By: Dr. Reverend February 13, 2004 "Your blog's the best I have come across in a long time. I may not agree with all you say but the verve with which you say it and the humour and irreverance is terrific. These days when the media just reproduces the handout from central control, blogs like yours do a great deal to form informed opinion in a democratic society. Thanks. Keep it up." Posted By:Anandan February 13, 2004 "SKIPPY pities ME? Where's my noose?" Posted By: Kilgore Trout March 22, 2004 "Jesus Skippy. Now Allah is going to kick you in the nuts" Posted By: Mary Magdalicious March 22, 2004 "I could make one that says "Skippy has a small penis" although his cock is superb. Posted By: Bestest Pussy March 23,2004 "Cunt sucking is for bitches.You're considered one of the girls because you dress like one. Posted By: Dr. Reverend March 24, 2004 "John Malkovich is one sexy bastard. I have such a thing for him. And I never realized til now, Skippy, how much you resemble John Malkovich...this, by default, makes you also one sexy bastard. See how that works?" Posted By: Zombie March, 26, 2004 "Too bad you live up north. It could have been beautiful. Ever since I started coming here and saw your pic I wondered why you weren't getting more action. You are not a bad looking guy at all. Maybe the girls are just...well, that's enough kindness for one day." Posted By: Serenity March 26, 2004 "Hell, if they make gay marriage legal, I'll marry you..." Posted By: Outpatient March 26, 2004 "You look creepier than the REM faggot. But he looks much more like a homersexual." Posted By: Dr. Reverend March 27, 2004 "Purge Trifecta. When all others make you wonder where the content Gods reside, check here: Chaotic Not Random and Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness and Enjoy Every Sandwich. These guys write their balls off." Ruthlessly Stolen From Primal Purge March 26, 2004 "Skippy, your hits will go up again if you post pictures of your man nipples. Lots of man nips." Posted By: Mary Magdalicious April 15, 2004 "What the fuck? You turning faggot? Posted By: Dr. Reverend April 16, 2004 "Sometimes it gets to be just a little too much. Sharing, that is." Posted By: Bee May 23, 2004 "I'll give you $5.00 if you make the fucking font you use on your blog bigger. I'll give you $50.00 if you stop fucking writing about American politics. I'll give you $500.00 if you fucking kill youself." Posted By: Dr. Reverend May 26, 2004 "Of course women like jerks. Why the fuck do you think they like me? I guess you've learned nothing from me over all these years." Posted By: Dr. Reverend May 29, 2004 "Sometimes a bitch just has to die." Posted By: Ford W. Maverick May 29, 2004 "It looks like we have more in common than the swastikas carved in our foreheads."Posted By: Dr. Reverend May 29, 2004 "This might be a shallow and 'Waiting-for-Godot-like' comment but...you seem to have not only brains but also beauty." Posted By: Nietzscheswife June 7, 2004 "Skippy, you are such a twisted bastard. Seriously. Why haven't we had sex yet?"Posted By: 0phelia June 25, 2004 "Just found your site. I find some of the things you say quite disgusting. And really quite enjoyable,so keep up the good work."Posted By: Big Al June 28, 2004 "I've read most of your blog. I'd say that so far it's the best I've come across, and believe me, I've seen a few. It's funny, well written (except for the spelling...) and interesting. There will always be those few idiots who just don't get it. It's useless to get worked up about it." Posted By: Johnny June 30, 2004 "Skippy... Go for the facial tattoo. I dig em', and fuck what those other bitches think. You can always bite their tits off if they back talk you." Posted By: Mary Magdalicious July 1, 2004 "Go fuck yourself up your butt." Posted By: Reek Stankleberry July 6, 2004 "Well if ass-fucking won't keep Satan away, I just don't know what will." Posted By: Dr. Reverend July 7, 2004 "dude, you're killing me. keep it up." Posted By: Son of Nixon July 22, 2004 "Are you always either naked or in a suit?" Posted By: Rehella July 22, 2004 "That person should speak for himself or herself. 'Cause you really are that much of a cunt, skippy." Posted By: Kilgore Trout August 4, 2004 "I've read you for a long time but have never commented before. That isn't a slight to your great writing ability, it's mainly because I don't want to be seen here!" Posted By: Paul August 4, 2004 " Dead on. Bulls-eye. I take back what I said about you being a cunt. For now." Posted By: Kilgore Trout August 4, 2004 "Know what, Skippy? You're alright." Posted By: Anna August 18, 2004 "Excellent work. Damn you for being so dead on." Posted By: The Maximum Leader August 24, 2004 "Skippy, fuck the puppy idea. Try getting a monkey that smokes. That will get you laid." Posted By: Mary Magdalicious August 27, 2004 "As to the beard - I like the clean shaven better - and what's wrong with a bald head? Bald heads are hot on some guys - unfortunately most can't pull it off * sigh * You look like you can pull it off though and that's a good thing - not a bad. BTW, love your blog. I saw it in my referrers and thought it was just a random hit. Then I started reading and found you to be hilarious - it was only after about 10 posts that I noticed you linked me. I was more than flattered - linked by someone I was about to link anyway - awesome. Thanks" Posted By: Kinky August 27, 2004 "Fuckin' Goy bastard." Posted By: Dr Reverend December 19,2004 "Who does a guy have to sleep with to get one of his Skippy quotes pasted to the sidebar? Great googly-moogly." Posted By: Smallholder December 20, 2004 "Are you a child molester or what's the story?" Posted By: Fukinator, December 28, 2004 "Sick dude." Posted By: DCayer December 29, 2004 "You officially suck." Posted By: Sorry, January 22, 2005 "I heart you, Skippy" Posted By: Karinsky, January 25, 2005 "As I've stated before, you were quite skilled in bed and I had no need to fake any of my multiple orgasms." Posted By: 0phelia, June 30, 2005 "I love Skippy. I swear I do. The only blogger more twisted than me." Posted on: Velociworld, July 26, 2005 " You are so fucking ignorant about America. And while the American people ARE stupid, so are you." Posted By: Bill Lassiter, August 2, 2005 "How can you not love a man who hates himself so viciously?" Posted on: It's All About De , August 31, 2005 "If I wasn't positive that all Canadian men had tiny penises, I'd be all over that Skippy." Posted On: It's All About De "I've seen pictures of you and I'd say you're fuckable." Posted By: Joan, September 29, 2005 " I love your posts on Canadian politics even more than I love your posts on porn. And I love your porn posts. Why the hell do you waste all this talent on the internet? Write a book or something, goddammit! Posted By: Cliff S., November 17, 2005 "Let it never be said that underneath your self-cavilling, bitter (yet strangely egomaniacal) surface that you never take the time to give the people what they want. Even if it's just one people. Gawd bless you, Skippy! Posted By: Locke, November 18, 2005 "Wow! I don't know that I've ever been flattered and yet somewhat revolted at the same time... It's an interesting sensation." Posted By: Dewey in Toronto, December 1, 2005 "Very often, debating you is like playing whack a mole: You pop up some premised assertion moles, I pull out my mallet and start whacking, then you pop up more premised assertion moles - which are mostly or completely unrelated to the original moles I was whacking at. Your stock of moles seemingly stretches into infinity. And yet, an endless supply of moles does not equate to cogent argument. Very often, debating you is like speaking to a salesman who will not answer a particular direct question, and instead flies off on the flight of rhetorical splendor known as "baffling them with bullshit." I'm impressed with your rhetorical skills, and your IQ, and your accumulation of knowledge. I'm impressed that I'm the American citizen, yet you might have a more thorough knowledge of the American Constitution than I. And yet, these impressive things are not substitutes for cogent argument."Posted By; gcotharn, December 21, 2005 "Besides, you seem to think you're the least respectable person I know. While you're often right, you're wrong on that count. Careful, I might out YOU as a nice guy. Or something." Posted By: Dewey In Toronto, December 27, 2005 "I've been to Toronto. The most dangerous thing I saw there was an 11 foot tall red head with shaved balls."Posted By: Judy, December 31, 2005 "There was this "Caught on Tape!" video I watched back in my highschool days where one of the scenes shows two people starting to cross the railroad tracks. One looks up at the last minute and sees the train, the other does not. In the commercial, it cuts away just before the train does its thing, but the video... Your blog is like a twisted version of the video. We know the train is going liquify you in shocking gory fashion, but that's why we keep coming back. It's so much more fun that we both know the train is coming and you still gleefully walk into its path...and we love you all the more for it." Posted By:Locke, January 13, 2006 "Fuck. I'm hooked." Posted By: DeAnna, January 14, 2006 "Your Maximum Leader has found Skippy's commentary more insightful and interesting than anyone elses. So now he supposes that Skippy will go back to writing about porn and strippers he meets in the subway." Posted By: The Maximum Leader on Naked Villainy January 24, 2006 "Slightly crazed is fine, but with the beard you look like a total nutjob. If you ever hope to get laid again, for fuck's sake, Skippy, NEVER, EVER grow a saddam beard. You're welcome."Posted By: The Lady O, 28 January, 2006 "Maybe we should get married. My readers could support us by purchasing my worn panties and you could be the panty pimp." Posted By; Joan 28 January 2006 " I know it must be hard for you...being objectified by women all the time. But come on, how can they really help themselves? Have you seen yourself lately? Your pheramones preceed you into a room (as does your crotch). Don't blame it all on them...you did choose to leave your house. :D" Posted By: Joan, 3 February, 2006 "Skippy, you sarcastic twerp." Posted By: Arwen, 8 February 2006 "Just so you know.. if I had to choose between Moussaoui or Skippy.. You'd win. Even if I know what an asshole you are. Posted By; Judy, 13 February 2006 "I'd be willing to sign a legal document stating that is IS ok, in fact, to masturbate whilst thinking of me." Posted By: DeAnna (Who seems unaware of my reputation as an outlaw) February 24, 2006 "Feel free to masturbate while thinking of me...actually, do you need some of my panties to help you with that?" Posted By: Joan, February 24, 2006 "I blame myself for this. I have been too lenient with you. Your Godless behaviour must come to an end. You will receive a severe beating this weekend and I am contemplating removing your testicles." Posted By: Dr. Reverend, February 24, 2006 "Just remember skippy, the US never threw a fit when you smuggled your own personal WMD over the border twice a year. After all, it wasn't like you were hiding in your pants or anything. All's fair in love and war, so to speak." Posted By: Judy, April 4, 2006 "Wow...nothing hotter than a man willing to issue fatwas for pussy." Posted By: Joan, April 16, 2006 "You sir, are a brilliant writer." Posted By: Judy, May 4, 2006 "I think I'm falling in love." Posted By: DeAnna, May 11, 2006 "THIS IS THE MOST DIABOLICAL FALSITY YOU HAVE EVER ENGAGED IN!!!! I was intending to kick you in the face upon our next meeting, but now it's obvious that I must douse your scrotum in kerosene and set your testicles aflame. Alas, it is the only way you will learn." Posted By: Dr. Reverend, May 12, 2006 "And i would like to commend you on some excellent blogging. This particular story would normally warrant a few cryptically humorous lines and a link. To an ordinary blogger. But you managed to wring an essay of New Yorker-esque proportions out of it. That takes talent. Your beautiful young friend is right. I see big things for you in the future." Posted By: Annika, June 4, 2006 " I like a man who will unabashedly tell someone his penis size because hes unashamed. Thats hot. *raises hand* I'll take that 6.5, thank ya" Posted By: Kinky, June 6, 2006 "Elvis, like skippy, is the very definition of rock and roll. Posted By: Rube, June 10, 2006 " I'm beginning to think you're the only good man left in the world, skippy. WTF?" Posted By: By: DeAnns, June 11, 2006 "Just so everyone knows. Skippy does indeed, taste like bacon. And, any guy who doesn't know cum tastes good to real women, is clueless." Posted By: Judy, July 2, 2006 "There was a British columnist whose work was described as 'a suicide note in weekly installments.' This blog is sort of like that." Posted By: Gadfly, July 6, 2006 "Jeez, Skippy. Sometimes I really hate coming here." Posted By: Cynlee, July 18, 2006 "Someone needs to throttle you with a riding crop...truly!" Posted By: Joan, July 18, 2006 "Holy mother of god. I just had an orgasm. It's official: I'm devoting the rest of my life to you, skippy." Posted By: DeAnna, July 19, 2006 "Skippy, sometimes I'm not quite sure of your sanity, but you are without a doubt the baddest morning news reading, quiz show hosting, talent introducing PIMP in the motherfuckin' blogosphere." Posted By: Shank, July 19, 2006 This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License. Links BLOGGY GOODNESS The Sandwich Shop (or what passes for my July 2004 - September 2005 archives, before Blogger decided to fuck with me again My Diapers are Bloody What Would Tyler Durden Do? The Superficial - Because You're Ugly Seven Inches of Sense Ace of Spades HQ Forget Your Fears Deus ex Machina A Swift Kick and a Band-Aid Save Manny Velociworld Whistling in the Graveyard Judyisms Naked Villainy Mental Floss Sometimes not work safe- be careful Big Hominid's Hairy Chasms Annika's Journal Mitchieville I, Asshole The Best Page in the Universe Gut Rumbles The Hatemonger's Quarterly Filigree Shadow Straight White Guy TeaFizz It's All About De Girls Are Pretty Evil Coffee Chick Crazy Aunt Purl Miss Doxie Suddenly, Sometimes One D at a Time (probably not work safe) Blog D'Elisson You Bitch Speak of the Devil Drunken Stepfather (probably not work safe) Lemons And Lollipops Rantings Of A Sandmonkey Miss Doxie Primordial Slack Fatbacks and Collards Celebslam: They're Better Than Us Dirty Rotten Whore SEX BLOGS Needless to Say, these sites are NOT work safe Submissive Reflections ...Sweetness Follows Eroticalee1: Close Your Eyes Eroticalee2: Open Your Imagination Married With Sex Girl With a One-Track Mind Delimmas of a Virgin Slut Nympho Girl: A Journal of Wanton and Wildly Inappropriate Sex Kinky Bitch POLITICAL BLOGS Dipatches From the Culture Wars Damianation The Politico Captain's Quarters Angry in the Great White North The Moderate Voice Andrew Coyne Patterico's Pontifications Calgary Grit Cherniak On Politics Vijay Sappani The Dan Report TDH Strategies: Solutions for Everyone Stephen Taylor Mean Mr. Mustard 2.0 The Jawa Report Michelle Malkin Talking Points Memo Politus Warren Kinsella Instapundit Jihad Watch The American Thinker Decision '08 Inkless Wells LEGAL BLOGS SCOTUS Blog The Volokh Conspiracy Anal Philospher Is That Legal? 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Org Landover Baptist Church The Smoking Gun Who Links Here Archive 08/01/2003 - 08/31/2003 09/01/2003 - 09/30/2003 10/01/2003 - 10/31/2003 11/01/2003 - 11/30/2003 12/01/2003 - 12/31/2003 01/01/2004 - 01/31/2004